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Default May 20, 2019 at 12:42 PM
  #1
So it all started on last wed, when i allowed myself to get drunk after T. it was so nice that the day after i didnt do it but the day after (friday) i got high with pills. i was all excited about getting to smoke weed that wodka and pills didnt seem so much of a thing. problem is saturday and sunday i couldnt get out of the bed. my friend E called but i said i was in bed and didnt want to move out. i was feeling so lazy, lost and sleepy that i stopped taking my meds. (but still my parents anniversary went well)

today at work i found out P was home ill (we exchanged a few texts) and it got me really down. so without a second thought, i started taking pills again and after the grocery store at lunch break, i got some vodka too, and back at work i took some more pills again. i just wanted to not be there.

i contacted my T. i barely spoke to her through texts but i got her understand i was drinking and taking pills while at work. she was concerned and offered to talk abut i declined. im going to see her on wed so no big deal, i'll wait until then.

i came home, got dinner, and drank again. its become like an addiction again. nothing really happened so i dont know why this is happening and i dont feel like stopping at all.

i dnt want to go to work. i dont want to talk with anyone. i dont even want P. i dont want to go at the clinic. i dont want my meds. i dont want to stay at my flat, i dont want to stay with my parents, i dont want to be anywhere. maybe drink and pills yes, cutting, maybe… dying probably… i just want to stay drunk, high or whatever forever. im sorry for everything and everybody else but thats what im feeling at the moment and theres no reason for whats happening. i wish it could happen...

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Default May 20, 2019 at 02:19 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, sinking! Please DO NOT give up! You're still in time to fight back! Try to avoid drinking and to resist! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're going to see your Therapist on Wednesday soon! Please just try to do EVERYTHING that isn't drinking! Try to distract yourself as much as you possibly CAN! Perhaps read some good books? Watch some TV? Please try to resist! You've been fighting up to this point, you can STILL fight! I'm here for you as well if you need someone to talk to! You can always PM me or contact me through chat! Just try to avoid ANYTHING DANGEROUS and drinking, ok? You've got this! YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you can! Is there anything we can do to HELP YOU OUT? ANYTHING AT ALL! Just let us know and we'll do it! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU HERE! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, sinking, my caring, dear, sweet, wise and WONDERFUL FRIEND!
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Default May 20, 2019 at 03:16 PM
  #3
Please listen to Mickey, Sinking. She says it better than I ever could. Quite frankly I don't know WHAT to say to this post, except that if you really want to end it all, you're definitely heading in the right direction. Now I don't know if I'm supposed to say that on this forum or not, but I sure can't help thinking it. You say you don't want to talk, you don't want to do anything but get high. There's not a lot I can say or do in response to that. Except I hope you change your mind.

And if you do change your mind, we're here for you. You know that. ):
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Default May 21, 2019 at 12:48 PM
  #4
Thank you both Mickey and Mopey for still talking to me, it means a lot. i know im in a self destructive mode but i need it. after being like a good robot for so long... id have to explode.

today went a bit "better". i took pills this morning then i got drunk at lunch and then my body rebelled to me so i was very nausous for the rest of the day and i stopped taking pills and i didnt drink tonight. its victory for my body but im not happy about it.

but i have to admit i got to do more stuff. cooked dinner, cleaned by bathroon (finally), got ready for tomorrow (sending a package, seeing T, getting money out of an atm etc.). im also losing weight…

but im still struggling and i would dream of using drugs but i dont know whom to ask or how to get it. maybe i'll ask E again. P is still ill but we keep in touch via texts. its more me texting him than viceversa but its ok for me now. i do still care a little bit but i care about getting high more.

tonight i was worried i mixed up alcohol and benzos. of course just a little big amount of it but what if my body reacted wrong and i had died? one part of me wanted it and one part of me was scared about it.

i dont know what will happen tomorrow when i see T. but nothing i guess…

ps. work is still and always playing in the background of my day and today i wondered what was the point in going if i couldnt see P? im depressed...

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Default May 22, 2019 at 01:28 PM
  #5
Today went ok. tonight i couldnt sleep so i stayed op until midnight on the comp to write my stuff. since i quitted one particular type of meds i cant sleep anymore. (did it on purpose because its time for me to go down the hole).

today work went on as always. this morning i woke up with a lancinant pain in in my stomach so i dedided to not mix up alcohol and meds together again. this morning i was clean but so sleepy that i was almost like i took some pills.

after work i got some alcohol, then went to send a package to my friend, got out some money for my bro's bday, and went to visit old coworkers at the RU. it was so nice being with them there.

after that i had session with T and i got there drunk. she was feeling guilty because it all started last week when she made me talk about my abuser. i do not deny it was hard but i dont think its why it started. getting drunk and getting my abuser email back and having E offering me weed…. thats what i think drove me to go back to pills and alcohol.

i made T a chronological order of what happened after last wed: drinking, getting my abuser email, restarting with pills and alcohol, total rest for the weekend (becasue of how many pills i took), stopping that particular med.

and then restarting the week again, on monday with the feeling i was going to lose everything and i didnt want to go to work... and restarting with pills and alcohol. P was ill so we exchanged a few texts and today he texted me first and i was happy about that but its not enough. i want to feel drunk or high forever.

Yesterday afternoon i got a bad nausea so i stopped pills and alcohol, but i did wonder why go to work if P isnt there? i got home, cleaned the bathroon and couldnt sleep as i said.

today after T (we did talk more about CSA and i was ashamed of that but also happy about that), i drank again, took a shower, cooked dinner (something new that didnt come out too bad) and came back here on PC.

my T said she is ready to get me admitted at the clinic next week but i dont agree. i dont want to go there. i just want to go on like this with alcohol and pills to help me cope during the day until it helps or anobody finds that out.

i only need her to be there for me week after week and maybe contact my exT every now and then, like tomorrow maybe. things are going WELL. as planned even if a bit late.

things are ok, following through the plan...

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Default May 23, 2019 at 09:12 AM
  #6
So today went awful until lunch, then got a lot better.

tonight i couldnt sleep. 1. because i quitted my meds and 2. because the neighbors (?) had been talking loudly until 2.30am. i got to sleep less than an hour and then heard them back talking. they were not really loud but i couldnt ignore them. all the while i was thinking about the session with my T, about texting my exT and slowly the whole body started aching. ok, maybe my stomach was inflammed because of alcohol and something i ate for dinner but all the rest? just irritability because i couldnt sleep??? my head was aching, my muscles and bones too, and my stomach was aching especially. i was feeling as if i had got temperature but i didnt. i was feeling cold, hot, cold again but sweating at the same time it was not pleasant at all.

then i took an anti inflammatory med and it got better but still i was unable to sleep until about 5am and then i woke up at 6.55 am. all in all i got to sleep a bit more than 2 hours during the whole night after having slept about 5 hrs the night before. i was exhausted. while i couldnt sleep i was trying to decide whether to go to work in the morning or not, but i didnt know how to warn who and how to get the illness document from the doc because i couldnt feel like i could get up and go to him at all...

instead when i did wake up i was feeling a little better and decided to go to work and maybe ask to work a little less in the evening. work went quite ok. i got to hear from P by text (he's still ill) and i also contacted my exT who heartwarmed my heart like only He can do. at lunch break i explained my supervisors my difficulties and they let me stay home for the whole afternoon! wow!

i found a nice parking lot, i heard my mom on the phone to vent a bit and then had lunch, took another shower and cooked for tomorrow. i realized the tick bite is still red so i decided to go take the blood work tomorrow morning to see if that could be the cause of the aches. so tonight im going to have dinner and sleep at my parents (its closer to the blood work building) and hopefully i'll get to sleep a better night (trying some other sleeping pills). tomorrow morning early i'll take the blood work and then will go to work and then the week will finally be over! cant wait evem though sat or sunday we'll celebrate my brother's bday and we'll likely stay out of home the whole day so…. tiring!!!!!

today, during the rest of the time i got to write a short letter with brief thoughts for my next appt with exT and now im going to write another letter for T when i see her next week.

i already knew that stopping those meds i would have strong troubles sleeping, but im determined not to go back and try something else instead. hoping they will work… at this point i only hope for a good night sleep….

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Default May 23, 2019 at 09:20 PM
  #7
To address just one thing, please do have the blood work for your tick bite, dear Sinking. It could be infected or something. Please let us know how the blood work comes out. ((((hUGS))))
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Default May 24, 2019 at 06:47 AM
  #8
Thank you Mopey. i did take the tests but they resulted negative (i was kind of hoping in some sort of explanation but its not the case). i probably cant sleep because of changing meds but i dont want to go back to those meds because they change me and i dont want to not know who i am without meds. i want to be me and at the worst i'll take other kind of meds (like tonight that worked better but not as good as the previous ones). as for the stomach its still up and down. maybe alcohol and pills messed it up? but i didnt take them for long. a week maybe. could only that short time of period have made such a mess in my stomach??? as for the rest? aches, pains, itches headaches etc? maybe i'll go to my GP. i dont know what to think and i dont know what to do because im messing up with meds without my pdoc knowing (but my T does, so maybe i'll talk with her first).

this morning i saw 2 prickets running wild on the street near my parents home: it was beautiful! i also got to greet the cats and then went to work. work is going as always on the background and im so happy i've only half day left. tomorrow or sunday i'll have to go celebrate my bro's bday for lunch but we'll probably stay out all day ugh

P and i are still talking through texts everyday 1-2 a day but thats enough. maybe he'll be back at work on monday. im still having to finish my drafts for my Ts and thats also what doesnt let me sleep at night. my mind is in overload.

i hope i'll have a nice night and dinner with my friend tonight and then a good night sleep.

now, a little while ago i heard other people coming to see my neighbors flat and they had 2 (TWO) babies crying all the time. i really hope it wont be them here. what i really would hope is that it would remain empty. oh what a dream it would be….

Thanks for still reading me and have a nice weekened to everyone

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Default May 24, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #9
Prickets? What are prickets, Sinking?
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Default May 24, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #10
Mopey, "prickets" arent they like fawns or young deers? did i spell it wrongly??? i hope its clear now…

anyway, today afternoon at work was hard because i was so tired from lack of sleep but it went ok. tonight with my friend went fine too. she said my body issues are probably due to insomnia and irritability (along with meds change and alcohol and pills from last week which i didnt mention to her).
tonight i've decided i'll take a quarter of those pills hoping that i'll get to sleep better tonight. i really really need it, im exhausted. physically and mentally.

my bro's bday will be on sunday so i hope i'll get to sleep most day tomorrow. and watch my tv series with my cat.

next week will be another hell week. my dad will be tested to see if they will renew him his driver license. on wed i'll have paperwork to do all day (and get all ready for that) and see T (so have her letter ready too). and i'll see again P. he didnt text me back today when i said i was feeling pretty bad myself. is he one of those who only loves to talk about themselves and dont care at all about others??? im a bit disappointed… my friend will know if she'll get hired after 3 years of unemployment… (emotionally good for her but emotionally bad for me if she does. we wont be balanced anymore ).

and it will still rest to see how i'll do physically, with insomnia and what will happen with the new neighbors (someone should definitely come to live there after the 28th)

i know i may be keep complaining here day after day but i need to vent, i have nobody else except T to talk with (and we're talking about hard stuff lately)… it helps me. im sorry if im boring or just wasting your time or just wasting space here… but thanks to who reads me... Week #4 (out of my mind)

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Default May 24, 2019 at 11:20 PM
  #11
You are not wasting our time, Sinking. We care deeply about you. This is evening for me so I'll just leave a brief message and plan to read your recent postings in more detail tomorrow.

Just want to say, "prickets" is a new term for me! Every day you learn something new, yes? My husband and I looked it up and say the definition and pictures on the iPhone, finding that it is a 2-year-old male fallow deer with single horns on each side. It must have been wonderful to see them running down the street. Do you live in an area where there is a lot of wildlife?

I'm glad your bloodwork turned out OK; sounds like they ruled out Lyme's Disease from the tick. But I can understand that you might have wanted a little more explanation for why you felt so sick. Take care, and sleep well.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 01:31 PM
  #12
Thank you Mopey for your kind words, you are very kind with me Week #4 (out of my mind).

my parents' house is near some grassy hills, so the young deers may have gotten lost. but i had seen them even around the old Home so it isnt very strange for us to see them but it happens so rarely on the streets that its a wonder when it happens.

Today went fine. yesterday night i threw down as many (mild) different pills as i could, along with that quarter of pill to get to sleep better and it worked! today i got up at past 3.30pm, and i remained in bed with my cat watching tv and sleeping again until dinner. just complete relax and i hope tonight goes on as today as well. for as much as it will be possible.

because tomorrow, we'll go celebrate bro's bday at lunch and then we'll probably go get to see if i can buy a ceiling fan for my bedroom since they foresee 40°C next week (while these days it has been around 10-20). i hope we'll get to do everything soon and come back home and get to rest again as much as possible. i dont want next week to start .

my physical issues have gotten better, so maybe my friend was right: it was because of insomnia and irritability for te many new changes im going through these days.

i wish everyone a nice sunday! Week #4 (out of my mind)

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Default May 25, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #13
I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're sleeping better, sinking! Please be careful with your meds! It may be VERY DANGEROUS to play with them without your Pdoc and your Therapist knowing it! I hope you'll be able to find the right meds combination together with your doctors! KEEP TRYING YOUR BEST LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY DOING, SINKING! WE ALL CARE ABOUT AND YOU ARE NOT BORING! I appreciate you keeping us updated as much as you possibly CAN! It is very reassuring and mos timportantly I feel like it's REALLY HELPFUL FOR YOU! Please don't be afraid to ask for ANY advice or help, ok? WE'RE HERE FOR YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE Let us know if there's ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT, SINKING! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION and we'll TRY TO DO YOUR BEST to HELP YOU OUT IN ANY WAY WE CAN! If you just want to VENT, that's ok as well! Whathever you feel like doing! Of course you can always PM me if you need it! I'm sure Mopey will be glad to help as well, although I don't want to speak on his behalf of course! DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR ADVICE OR FOR HELP! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many KIND, SAFE, SWEET, WARM and WONDERFUL hugs to you, sinking, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!
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Default May 25, 2019 at 03:34 PM
  #14
Good morning, Sinking. (Or at least it's morning where I am).

Please, dear - Mickey is SO right about the combinations of drugs and alcohol. They can kill you in the wrong combinations and doses, and certainly make you very ill. But remember: THEY CAN KILL YOU. Besides which I have to wonder how in the world you are able to function at work with all that stuff in your system? I guess your Guardian Angel is working overtime..... Please, please, please try to be more careful. I understand you're in pain and it sucks. And without the drugs there is the pain. But that's what your T is there for, right?

As to P, it sounds to me as if he has responded to you pretty regularly overall. And you've said you're not sure quite how much contact you want anyway. After all, you do have a lot of stressful stuff going on.

Well, I'll say goodbye for now. Hopefully you're getting ready for a good sleep.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #15
Even though I am new and not known to you, I would like to say: alcohol and pills are not good for you. Prickets are good for you. Mopey and Mickey are good for you. Cat is good for you. Grassy hills are good. Loud neighbours are bad. Being a good robot is obviously not good for you. Expressing yourself is certainly good. Enough sleep is very good for you. Reading your stories of woe is good for me. I like gentle people who cannot be good robots all the time. Whoever was abused in any way has my complete sympathy, because I have experienced abuse myself, and I know what it does to one. Or at least I have an inkling. Forgive me for chiming in to your good, loving, caring conversation.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 09:21 PM
  #16
Thank you, Poiutyl, thank you. Please keep chiming in. We all need all the help we can get. And if there’s something we might be able to help you with, or at least try, please chime in. There will be more of us in the conversation, trying to support each other.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 01:52 PM
  #17
Oh Gosh! i just wasted 2 hours to get paperwork ready for next appt for individual tax return. i hate paperwork, forms and all sorts of those things with my whole heart. it got me so irritated and nasty that i couldnt help but being *****y with mom and dad who were trying to help (dad reprimanding me though for not knowing 90% of what i should have known). im so thankful it has ended for now but until im done with that appt. i wont be happy or relaxed (june 5th).

the rest of the day went quite well. i could sleep quite well but not for too long, lunch with family went ok even though everybody seem to be a bit nervous and tense and grumpy for these family events! lunch was nice but not what i would have wanted…

the best part is that we didnt have to go look for the ceiling fan for my flat because my bro said he has one he isnt using and he can give it to me (we spared time and money!!!). it remains to see when he'll be able to come and fix it for me because nobody else can, unless i pay someone, but id try to avoid that. and i hope this will be able to be done BEFORE hot summer kicks in.

i watched just a couple of tv series, didnt get to spend time with cats and had to take a shower and go get meds. and after that all the paperwork stuff started and i got SO FU*ING irritated.

im glad i still got time to come here and write and watch a last tv serie before going to relax a bit with mom bit. i really wouldnt want to start my week tomorrow. im scared more than anything else. its like i feel it will take more energies than i have so i'll be forced to go back to pills and alcohol.

THANK YOU Mickey and Mopey for your concern and words, they mean a lot to me Week #4 (out of my mind) and THANK YOU Poiuytl for chiming in and giving me your support and thought. i appreciated that. i know playing with alcohol and meds isnt healthy but i dont feel i have a choice.

i cant wait to see what will happen with my new neighbors and for this week to be over. and the next one too. i already hate them and i truly wish i could die rather than having to face them.. im so tired and so tired of being alive and face day after day.

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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #18
(((((((((((( sinking ))))))))))))

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