Week #5 (hate it)

This morning i woke up truly wanting to off myself. The thought of going to work and having another whole week ahead was too much. I did have the means, but i dont know how or why (maybe for parents) i got to pull through. I hate, i truly hate this f*ing life. Cant wait for it to be over. Now I'll take my pills and go to work. What else has remained to do??? What else am i supposed to do??? I dont think i can take it for much longer. Im.so tired and exhausted and unwilling to live... what a nice start today, ugh?

I do not have a choice. I dont want to work. I dont want to live alone. I dont want to go live back with my parents. I dont want to go at the clinic. I dont want to be alive at all. I really have no choice at all... none.

I contacted my T because i couldnt do it alone. But nothing will change except i feel a little better now. But tomorrow or tonight will just be exactly the same

Did i say what made me give in and contact my T before? today at lunch with all my baggages and walking under the rain i came home only to find out 2 more bills to pay. after having fought with the individual tax return with my dad for 2 hours yesterday night that made me infuriate, this was the last straw. when will this stop??? im so f*ing tired of paying every 15 days for everything. and why isnt it all authomatic???

and why am i still having stomachache so that i cant drink or take pills????

and did i say a caller made me cry for 10 mins at work today? she attacked me saying my voice was indolent as if i was treating her as if i was doing her a favor doing my job. it was not like that at all. i was only trying to be as gentle as i could since i had so much turmoil inside and was trying to hold back tears. i dont know how that was perceived in such a negative way. she hung up on me saying she didnt want to talk with such a person. i closed myself in the bathroom crying for 10 mins.

at the end of the shift, i didnt stay and wait for P because i was in a hurry to come back home and pay the bills that arrived today. luckiliy my dad calmed me down and said we can do them together on wed… tonight coming back home i saw a line of cars with fines on them. its where i usually park when it rains and i dont feel like spending 30mins looking for a better parking lot and walking 20mins under the rain to get home. so at least that went well tonight...

now it doesnt seem to be there anyone in my neighbors flat and i hope nobody will arrive and i'll get to sleep a last good night sleep before the new neighbors will arrive. this is extremely anxious and terrifying for me.

i know most of these things are nor al and routine for people at my age but i had to start facing them all together all at once without ever being prepared for any of it. i know i may sound winy and spoiled and i know im so much weaker than most people but i truly cant make it i this goes on this way or even gets worse with the new neighbors.

im planning on quitting t so that if things do get worse i'll be free of doing it without getting my t in trouble and leaving her with the message she could have done nothing else, nothing more and nothing different. its just that when you've had enough, you've had enough.

Dear, dear Sinking..... ...... Sweetheart....

PS - Where I am you can arrange to pay some or all of your bills automatically, in fact I do it myself. But I don't for one moment think that's even a tiny part of what's really bothering you.

Please don't give up, sinking! Were you able to talk to your Therapist? Did it help a little bit? We're here for you, my friend! I hope tomorrow you'll feel a little bit better! Please DO ask for help when you need it! There are PEOPLE WHO CARE AND WHO WILL HELP YOU OUT THERE! I know it's hard to believe but there are! We're here for you as well! Please keep us updated on your situation, ok? I always enjoy SO MUCH hearing and reading from you! You're such a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! I admire you SO MUCH! Please keep us updated AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU WANT TO, OK? WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going for you in your life, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU AND WE DO WANT TO KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING FOR YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! SENDING MANY KIND, SAFE, SWEET, WARM AND WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SINKING, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, MY FRIEND!

And do keep calling your therapist, Sinking, if you keep feeling like this. Sounds as if you had a pretty heavy duty session last time. Serious, painful stuff. You may need a little more of her help, a little more constantly, to get through this. But you CAN get through it. You WILL.

((((((((((( sinking )))))))))))

Mopey, its true. maybe its not much about bills to pay and forms to fill in but more about my dad losing his temper with me, reprimanding me for not knowing how to do things, for not understanding things and for not having a little more patience with me. but on the other hand, i KNOW that if i do really need his help he is there. he may have no good manners, no sweet voice, he may not be patient or be good at teaching because he expects others to know what he already knows, but when i need him, practically at least, he is there. he may not be good with words, not good with expressing love or emotions but he shows me anytime i need it, that he is there with me and for me and i've learned to accept that as his way to show love. its almost making me crying now ;( but its the truth.

but yes, im so mad that life is so difficult, that bills arrive every 15 days and that i only seem to work to keep paying bills and little else (pizza with my friend is the only luxury i concede myself). so yes, f*k life and f*k the system too.

Mickey, i did contact my T, we exchanged a few texts she more than once checked on me if i was still there. i appreciated it of her and have prepared another letter to thank her again and quit, yes. thats my plan for now…. and yes, Mopey, the last 2-3 times we did touch heavy stuff like CSA and how it affected and is affecting my every single relationship with men so much that i do not think i can have one at all in my whole life. its not distorted perception, its the truth.

tonight i couldnt sleep half of the night because i was overloaded with thoughts about what i need to do. i wrote down some thing but on others i'll have to work on a little more. maybe i'll ask 2 hours of leave to do what im planning on to do. and i feel such a coward sh|t because of all the support you've given me here that i do not deserve but i truly dont think i can make it. not for long. we'll see in the next days.

Thank you all for your support

So today my T called me in for some sort of an emergency session. I dont know what she expects but i bet she'll be very disappointed. Its a goodbye session. I wrote her letters, i have worked on my plan, i have my mind set and now its just a matter of waiting for the right time. I never was as ready as i am now. Im serious. I never thought living alonecpuld be so hard, difficult, sad and less fulfilling than i ever thought. Im.also afraid of my new neoghbors and i cant go on with the job i have but without that i'll lose my flat and dont want to go back with my parents. Not another failure and i dont want to go ip. Ive outweightedy energies and now i cant go on anymore. Sorry for disappointing everyone. I'll still be around for as long as i have the strength to. Thank you for your support.

My T let me go.

in session, she let me vent and cry. she read my letters and said or did nothing. nothing that mattered anyway. she knows whats going to happen and she said or did nothing at all. she just let me go after (while crying), i got out of myself all i had inside. like i never did before. while quietly sheding tears on her carpet (i asked her to lie down and i covered my face with my hood)..

it was my last attempt, my last resort, she was my last hope. she let me go. we parted forever.

we parted. i'll never see her again. i'll never hear her voice again. she'll never see me again. or my quiet tears. she'll never hear my voice again. no more calls, no more texts. nothing. gone. disappeared.

she said she's not mad at me, that she understands me even if im too stubborn to give my life a chance to change. i do not believe it is possible. i tried everything and im done.

she said that if she'll have to talk with my parents she will. bless her.

at the end, i shooke her hand, thanked her for everything and thats all. end of story.

as i always said, nobody can save you if you dont want it…. maybe i dont want it or not enough...

I'm here with tears starting down my face. I know there's nothing I can say except, I'm here. We're here. We're here for rage, for tears, for despair. You don't owe us anything. We too suffer, though you may not have heard much about it. We know. We know how it feels to see absolutely no hope and be in such pain that you just want to die. We are aware the decision is yours and no one else's.

Dear Mopey,

now YOU are making me teary eyed.

thank you for your words, thank you for being here, thank you for your support and thank you for understanding.

i must admit i was a bit disappointed in my T. i expected something more. more reaction by words, actions (putting me IP??) or feelings. instead it all seemed so flat, so already accepted and passed or forseen and already dealt with, with no other options. i guess she agrees with me and my thoughts and feelings, even though she denied it.

now only one tiny bit of hope is remained. i'll contact my exT on thursday. i'll already warn him my T already knows eveything so He doesnt have to do or say anything (dont want to put Him in a difficult position), but i do hope He will say something, even just a little tiny word that will warm my heart even though it wont be enough to give me hope of any sort. i just hope for some warmth or connection with Him.

if it wont happen then yes, i'll see no other option or reason to remain except for my parents. but as i already said, i cant live my life for them and i hope they will understand that.

now i just have to focus on passing the night trying to finally sleep (didnt sleep at all tonight thanks to my mind being busy making plans and finding words to say and write to everyone i care about) and overcome half day of work tomorrow morning. but its becoming harder and harder going to work these days… harder and harder. i wish i could call in sick but then what would i do alone at home? i wouldnt go at my parents because i dont want them to see how low i am so i better go to work afterall.

then, in the late afternoon (i wont tell parents i quit T), my dad will come here to help me with the bills and i hope i'll be a good pretender enough because i dont want anyone to know whats going on inside of me. NO ONE, except T and you here guys. THANK YOU.
now just step by step, baby step by baby step actually, i'll try to survive tonight and tomorrow at work. the rest should be easier… but where the hell do i find the strenght to go on living for more days like these??? guess PC is my only strenght at the moment. so thank you again for pushing me through.

Sinking, I certainly can't know what's going on in your therapist's mind, but it may be that she has come to a place where she believes that at this point, the only one who can save you is you.

Mopey , yes, i agree

or mabe she thought im not serious enough but its not the first time and i have already proven her and others that it may take time but sooner or later i get there. could it be a challenge??? (but not happier about this possibility at all)

Sinking I don’t believe it was any kind of challenge because as I understand it that is a total therapeutic no-no. As a matter of fact somebody’s girlfriend just got jail time here in the U.S. for doing something like that. Her boyfriend kept threatening to off himself and she finally got tired of it and told him to go ahead. He did, and wham! They arrested her.
and she was just his girlfriend, not a professional of any kind.

Then i guess thats not the case, thank you Mopey.

This morning my T texted me to know how im doing. I told her i feel like crying all the time even though im at work and i was crying in the moment i was texting her back because i didnt think id ever hear from her again. I told her maybe i didnt tell her how much i love her, thank her and appreciate her for all she did for me enough. She texted back saying not to cry, that she does know all of it and that she reciprocates my feelings. It was so nice of her and so helpful. Now i feel like seeing her again but of course i cant. It was bittersweet but of course nice of her.
Thank you T. I love you.

Now i'll just have to try and survive today at work, hen without our usual session and in the end pretending well enough ith my father when i see him.

Tonight went a little better as i took more pills...

Sinking, it's obvious your therapist cares a lot about you. And why can't you go back to her? If seeing her makes you feel even a little better? And would you consider an inpatient stay, if your therapist approved it? You're in such awful, unbearable pain...

Another thing is, Sinking, that it's really easy to think oneself into a deep hole where you consider all possible options for the future, they all look dark and pointless, and you conclude that things will never get any better, and you decide that life will never be worth living. But life doesn't tend to be like that. It can be full of twists and turns, and it truly is impossible to know our own futures. As some people say, "God works in mysterious ways", or the Universe, or the Higher Power, or whatever you might call it. You don't have to have a religious faith to observe that happening around you all the time.

Not all lives follow a prescribed pattern, or develop in conventional ways.

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I thought about you, sending positive thoughts your way. I hoped you were still alive.

Yes Mopey, i know my T cares. she has texted me a few more times during the day and i cried like a baby when she did and i told her so. i cant see her because im afraid i'll change my mind or she'll suggest something else to try.

i do not want palliative cures. IP, hospitals, more meds, going to live with parents for a while etc. because after the "crisis" passes it will all come back as before and it will have been a useless waste of time and hopes.

i truly have tried evything i could to make my life better or worth to be lived but nothing worked because im not made to be alive or to live in this world. its too hard. i cant make it.

tonight my parents came at my flat and i vented a bit with them telling them how badly im living my life alone. they got a glimpse of my agony but i doubt they expect another attempt. but maybe with the hindsight they'll be better able to understand why i see and saw it as my only choice or option.

unfortunately i do not believe in positive changes in life because mine has gone from bad to worse since i was a child. i am sure things will not get better and im sure my life is not and will not be worth living. im only a disappointment and a pain and a reason to suffer for my parents. they do not deserve that as i do not think i deserve or want to keep living like this.

Thank you for trying to let me see the positive silver lining in life.

but my life is doomed. its since i was an early teen that i knew i would have died by suicide. reasons have changed during the years but the tought is still there. i do not see other options.

Thank you for your warmth and constant support. it means to me more than i can say.

i have it all planned out. im not sure 100% i'll succeed but i hope so. if i do, i'll watch over you from the above wishing you all the best always. you are and have been an angel to me. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love and takecare

ps. maybe i've found a way not to be alone in those moments but on the phone with a volunteer. that would help a lot. i hope it will be possible

Sinking

Mopey