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Werewoman
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Trig Jun 01, 2019 at 05:43 AM
  #1
Last week I had a major breakdown with suicidal ideation and did as my doctor has asked me in the past to go to the ER if it happens again. Well, in 2008 it happened, and I found myself in a psych hospital. Last Wednesday, I found myself again in hospital.
This time wasn't as bad as the first. The staff was first class and the other "inmates" were for the most part, very pleasant. Of course, we were all dressed in paper clothes and hospital socks. The beds were like those you find in a jail. This time I didn't cry for days, just the first night, then I accepted my fate.
I have severe Bipolar type 2, CPTSD, ADHD, and what I affectionately refer to as my IED - intermittent explosive disorder. I get so depressed I can cry for days if I don't seek help.

It's what put me there this time that is so unique - at least for me. If you've had a similar experience, I'd like to hear from you because I've never come across anything like this in my life and pray I never do again.

There's a website I've belonged to for the past 5 years or so called Fetlife. It's facebook for kinky people, basically. I am a Dominatrix or as I prefer to be called, a Domme or Mistress. It's a role I have always enjoyed because I love giving pleasure to others. My submissives love my work and I have always been well respected and liked in my local kink community. I am especially partial to transgender people. I just find them fascinating and a lot of fun to play with.
One afternoon in mid April, I met a young TG (M to F) named Lexi and my whole world changed in an instant. My husband is bisexual, and he found her attractive as well. After 27 years of marriage, we decided we wanted to try a threesome, so when we met Lexi, we were very excited and so was she.

We invited her to join us the following weekend. She did and it was fantastic! We all had a blast, so a couple of weeks later we asked her to go to a femdom party with us. We hold these parties in a private home where we set up various St. Andrew's crosses, spanking benches, racks, cages, a CBT chair, and a few other stations for play. I cuffed Lexi to a cross and she thoroughly enjoyed our time together. After the party,, we went back to our place for more play and we stayed up most of the night.

Everything was fine until the next day when that afternoon Lexi started to not feel so well. I told her it was probably what we call "sub crash". It's caused by the endorphines built up during play. It's rather like a runners high. Usually, if a Domme is skilled, the sub will experience a 'crash' the following day when the endorphines wear off. It's what I shoot for when I'm entertaining a sub. We sent Lexi home thinking we would again join up at some time in the future. I was so excited and happy!

Well, it seems there always has to be a party pooper, and we were attacked in ways I didn't know people were capable of. Traditionally, a sub wears some sort of collar as a sign of submission or ownership if the sub is a slave. I made some very masculine beaded necklaces which my husband wears as my submissive. The "vanilla world" that most people live in would not recognize it for what it is so we can keep things private when we're in public. I made a black and white one for Lexi which looked great on her. For the party, I bought her a red dog collar to match her outfit. She looked stunning to me.

She was a bit nervous, as she had never been to a femdom party before, so to reassure her, when I collared her, I assured her that if any other Dommes wanted to play with her, they would need my consent, which I would not give since this was her first party. That settled her down and as I said, we had a blast.

A few days later, my husband gets a text message from a friend at the party telling him I was predatory and irresponsible for collaring Lexi too soon after meeting her. There is no set time, it's a very private - to me - moment and not fodder for rumor mills. He did not take kindly to this and asked our friend to please mind her own business as it was between me and Lexi only. Well, with this particular individual - I'll call her Rose - that was not acceptable. She has apparently hated me for some time. I was not aware of this.

The next thing I know, I find out she has minions everywhere literally spying on me. They started taking screen shots of everything I posted and sending them to her. She took everything I said to mean it was about her because we were upset over what she said about me and I told her on several occasions to mind her own business. You'd think it would have stopped there, but no, it took on a life of it's own. The same people that said I was a predator and taking advantage of Lexi were now using her against me. She started showing them all our text messages. I hope they were shocked by a few of them. LOL!

This thing took on a life of it's own and people from out of state started denigrating me. Rose had told everyone that I was attacking her when all the while I was oblivious. People started saying really mean things to me online and it all turned into one big hot mess. Lexi was afraid to talk to me because of Rose, so I thought if I left her alone for a while, it would go away, but no, by this time it had grown into Cthulhu. I couldn't take it any more.

One of my big PTSD triggers is for people to accuse me of wrongdoing when I know I am innocent. It's a direct result of childhood abuse. This began to trigger me all over the place. People would not leave me alone. I was being harassed every time I went online - unknowingly, sometimes. Friends started finding posts about me that were horrible. I could not believe what was happening to me. By this time, complete strangers were telling me I had abused her when at worst I had given her a light spanking - I was starting to wonder if there was a camera hidden in my bedroom - and to me that was ludicrous because I was very loving and generous to Lexi. Some people even knew that I had been abused, and I'm sitting there wondering how in the hell all these strangers knew things about me that I rarely talked about. I guess my husband must have told Rose at some point, I don't know.

Anyway, all of this started taking it's toll on me, it went on for weeks, I lost my Lexi, and I was devastated. I could no longer function I was so preoccupied with trying to convince people I was not a monster. I even tried posting my side of the story, which actually made things worse, if that was even possible.

I woke up last Wednesday morning simply beside myself with grief and loss and terror and confusion. I packed a suitcase and headed for the hospital. I cried all the way there and all day long. They sent me to a psych hospital in the next town, and I cried the entire night. By the time I was released on Saturday, I was ready to go home, but I didn't know what I would be going home to.

By this time, I was pissed. I was beyond pissed. I was in a rage. I started fighting back, which my friends, God Bless Them, pulled me back from. Because of all this, I had to leave fet. There was no way to get people to leave me alone and my being in the hospital just created more fodder - now I was crazy on top of being a predator. I am no longer a Domme - Werewoman is dead. I called myself Werewoman because I was a Domme.

Maybe at some point in the future, I'll go back to it with a different identity, but right now, the whole thing has left such a bad taste in my mouth I never want to see or do anything kinky ever again. I'm not sure I would survive another attack.

Until I come up with a different identity for myself, I will still use Werewoman, but she is truly dead.

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 09:43 AM
  #2
(((((Werewoman)))))

I am sorry my concentration is a bit poor and I am not able to read all your message. Many of us suffer from your affectionately refered to IED - intermittent explosive disorder. We cannot help our triggers.

Much respect to you for all you have to cope with
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 09:24 PM
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(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))

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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 05:32 AM
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 05:22 AM
  #5
Update:

How long has it been since I originally posted this? Time is losing it's meaning.

People are still at it, apparently. I don't know because I deactivated my fet account so no one has been able to post any more derogatory remarks about me there. I have not read any more posts about me since I posted this here. Friends tell me it's still simmering.

There's no doubt in my mind that Rose and Mel - the two women who have it in for me - are at the very least, borderline personality's, and probably narcissists as well.

During an EMDR session yesterday, it came to me how much my sense of abandonment was. I felt abandoned by Lexi, and the quiet, secret community I've been a huge part of for the last 5 years.

Kink was safe for me. People respect each other's privacy. They don't pry into your vanilla life. Kink requires a great deal of trust and communication in order to play safely. Safety is paramount always. It was my home.

I've lost all of it. My and my husband's new lover who we are very fond of, still. My sense of safety is gone. I have been abandoned to my illness.

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