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Old 06-12-2019, 09:40 AM #21
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Default Re: What to do?

I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE.

this morning pdoc said she'll give me a new (to me) med to help me sleep. I hope it works. Staying awake all night alone with your obsessive thoughts and feelings is not fun at all.

Then i saw T. She said we could only continue T if we kept talking about my sui ideations and it wouldnt become a taboo.
I was uncertain. I dont want them to stop me again next time. I said we could talk about my feelings and thoughts about it but not about dates. She replied she was unsure she could manage dealing with such an anxiety. I then gave in and said I'll text her if im on the verge of doing it. She seemed satisfied. I didnt want to hurt her in any way and i didnt want to quit either so i think we found a good compromise. I still think i can manage texting her and die a little later before anyone arrives to save me.

The news from today that left me happy, hopeful but scared too, is that my colleague P seems to feel for me what i feel for him. Or something like that. T read our texts exchanges and said he's really nice. We're just at the beginning, being colleagues and not even friends but we decided to meet up next week for an icecream or whatever. Just to chat a bit out of the working place.

Im scared I'll ruin everything before it even starts. He will probably ask me why was i on a sick leave for so long and i dont want to lie but not tell him everything (yet) either. Im afraid that just one single word too much or wrong will push him away. How much do you tell????? And how?

And im also afraid I'll hurt him if i cant stop my sui ideations and end up doing it. Im such a selfish monster.

Either way it doest seem to me i (or we) have any chance.

Im not like others. Not like normal people. Not like normal girls. He deserves better and much more than i can give him. I know it for sure. So is it worth giving it a try? My mind says no, my heart says yes.

But im so afraid. He saying he's fond of me was really heartwarming. So much that ive started having a little bit of hope in life. And i hate it. It was easier when there wasnt any because there were not any contrasting feelings and thoughts and now instead im overwhelmed and so f#ing scared I'll hurt him and I'll be hurt too if he rejects me because of my past/present issues.

Im too bad, too selfish, too rigid and too damaged to have a healthy relationship.
Thats what has always happened in the past anyeay, so why this time should be any different? Why even try if you know you'll fail and hurt and be hurt?

Any thoughts??? Advices??? Please???
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:10 AM #22
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Default Re: What to do?

You're NOT a bad person, sinking, and you're NOT any of those things you've said you are! I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad! The fact that P still wants to talk about you DOES mean that he truly cares about you in my opinion and that he DOES see value in you! I understand that getting closer to people may be scary, especially if you've been hurt in the past, but please DO give it a try! If you find out he isn't kind to you you can always leave before things get worse! Just try to go eat an ice cream with him, perhaps go to take a walk! As for you telling him about his hospitalization, you can always say that you don't want to talk about it at the moment. That's perfectly fair! He can't force you to do that and he HAS to respect your boundaries otherwise things won't work between you two! If you feel like you're not in the mood for talking about that, just tell him that. Perhaps you'll share it when you feel more comfortable around him and when you feel like you can trust him. There's no need to hurry! Take things slowly. Please do NOT hurt yourself as you're truly a valuable and wonderful person! I know it's true, we all know it's true, people in your life know it's true, there's only one person that needs to know it's true, and that's YOU! Be honest with your T and please DO tell her when you're feeling bad! If you feel like she may not be too helpful to you, perhaps DO consider seeing another one! That's just my opinion of course! REMEMBER THAT YOU MATTER! I hope you'll be able to believe that someday! Sending mnay safe, warm hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:38 AM #23
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Default Re: What to do?

Thank you so much Mickey for your kind gentle words and support.

But yes, i am a bad selfish monster.

Apart that, Yes, getting closer to people IS VERY scary for me.

Im sure P is a gentle soul. I can feel it. Problem is i already told him i would have given him some explanation for my long sick leave. All the while, we've been in touch through texts (best communication way for me), ive been very vague about why i wasnt at work. I think maybe i could tell him i have issues with depression... that would explain everything and truthfully without revealing too much about whats really going on... i guess thats my plan for now about how to answer to that question, but it may also be he wont ask and then i HOPE, we'll be able to talk spontaneously and it will all come up by itself easily. Thats my hope at least.

BUT
Im torn. I want the sui euphoria, not the "first meeting" excitement/fear. I want to be done with thoughts and feelings. Im SO tired. I dont know if i can find the courage to hope even.kust a little bit again...
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Old 06-12-2019, 01:35 PM #24
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Default Re: What to do?

Hello again, Sinking, dear.

Just a couple of quick responses to your last 2 posts.

Firstly, you say you don't really want to quit with your current T, and I think that should tell you something. I do understand how totally demoralizing it is to have your hopes constantly demolished, although I don't know exactly how that has worked in your life. One way to get around that is to stop having hopes, and just take one step at a time. Stop and see how that turns out. Then when you're ready, take another step. But keep your goals realistic. For you. Honor your life for what it is, for what is has been.

Another thing to avoid is to start getting too far ahead of yourself. As in, what if this happens? What if that happens? The thing is, you have limited control. You have control only over yourself, and not over what other people do or what the world does. All you can do is try to figure out what you are reasonably comfortable revealing, or saying, and try that out on the other person. Then wait.

Please - be well, and stay safe. Life really is precious.
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Old 06-12-2019, 01:50 PM #25
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Default Re: What to do?

Very wise Mopey. Thank you so much
I'll think about what you wrote. Thanks again!
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Old 06-12-2019, 02:51 PM #26
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Default Re: What to do?

Sinking, I have to apologize. I don't mean to come across like the Prophet Isaiah. Nor do I consider myself wise. I'm just old. Therefore I've had some experiences. As I mentioned to you before, when I read people's posts, I seem to respond to them from somewhere other than my thinking brain. Thoughts knock against me and I put them out on paper, or on the screen. I have no idea if those thoughts are worth anything or if there is any truth to them, but they seem to come out of me through intuition rather than analysis, and they're all I have to offer, so I post them.

Hopefully I'm not doing anyone any harm, especially you.
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Old 06-13-2019, 04:54 AM #27
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Default Re: What to do?

Mopey, my angel, please dont apologize. You said nothing wrong. Actually i apologize if my answer made you feel like that. I sincerely found your words wise. I didnt add much because i was too tired to think and give a better answer.
Please. Never stop talking with me, unless it makes YOU feel bad. Im excited everytime i see you answered to my post and you always made me feel better. Keep talking as you are doing. By intuition or however you can/feel like it. Please do not stop talking, you are helping me so much and i bet many others too. I hope you're getting some help from others too.
And... I do consider you wise and i truly mean it.

Yesterday night they changed my meds and i finally got a good long night of sleep. Im also more free from thoughts and feelings, almost numb. Today is a resting day, i have nothing to do and I'll enjoy it as much as i can. Pdoc said they'll keep me IP at least until tuesday. Its ok with me.

I got to clarify something with a friend and im happy we're not mad at each other anymore. Now I'll write to P, then lunch and a resting afternoon, with my mom coming to visit me...

I still have sui ideations but they dont bother/worry me too much until im IP. I could, but i wouldnt do it here.
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Old 06-13-2019, 05:56 AM #28
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Default Re: What to do?

Mopey, as for your previous post: not wanting to quit T., what should it mean? I want to keep going because it helps me with daily struggles, not because i want or hope it will stop my sui ideations.

As for hope, i was talking in general. Hope means you have a little reason to live and i dont want that. HOW DO YOU STOP HAVING HOPES? expectstions maybe, but hope? I dont think.theres a way to stop having them.

As for P, im doing exactly what you suggested actually. No plans, just let things go spontaneously. But i had to prepare something to say to explain the long sick leave without lying.

I know thinking too much about whay MAY happen is no good, but i need to feel in control and have a way to deal with whatever could happen.

I know its about control. And i know i cant control others but i can prepare myself in the best way i can.

As for what to tell P, i think mentioning d epression in a lighter way couldbe the best way to go. But anyway, we'll see...

Thank you Mopey for your support and helping me think things through.
Love you hugs
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Old 06-13-2019, 02:08 PM #29
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Default Re: What to do?

How did your appointment with P go, sinking? I sure hope it went alright! Let us know if you're feeling any better! Mopey is VERY wise and I'm so glad that he's helping you out so much! I'm so sorry I'm not here for you as often as I should be! Either way, please keep venting here and please keep us updating us if you can and want to! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please do remember that you ARE a GOOD person! No need to feel ashamed of yourself! It's not your fault if you're feeling bad! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, sinking!
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Old 06-13-2019, 02:56 PM #30
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Default Re: What to do?

Dear Mickey, i havent met with P yet, we just TALKED about meeting up next week or maybe the week after. We do not have a date yet. Of course if and when it will happen I'll post about it.
Thank you for caring and supporting me. Love and hugs
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