What to do?

I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE.

this morning pdoc said she'll give me a new (to me) med to help me sleep. I hope it works. Staying awake all night alone with your obsessive thoughts and feelings is not fun at all.

Then i saw T. She said we could only continue T if we kept talking about my sui ideations and it wouldnt become a taboo.
I was uncertain. I dont want them to stop me again next time. I said we could talk about my feelings and thoughts about it but not about dates. She replied she was unsure she could manage dealing with such an anxiety. I then gave in and said I'll text her if im on the verge of doing it. She seemed satisfied. I didnt want to hurt her in any way and i didnt want to quit either so i think we found a good compromise. I still think i can manage texting her and die a little later before anyone arrives to save me.

The news from today that left me happy, hopeful but scared too, is that my colleague P seems to feel for me what i feel for him. Or something like that. T read our texts exchanges and said he's really nice. We're just at the beginning, being colleagues and not even friends but we decided to meet up next week for an icecream or whatever. Just to chat a bit out of the working place.

Im scared I'll ruin everything before it even starts. He will probably ask me why was i on a sick leave for so long and i dont want to lie but not tell him everything (yet) either. Im afraid that just one single word too much or wrong will push him away. How much do you tell????? And how?

And im also afraid I'll hurt him if i cant stop my sui ideations and end up doing it. Im such a selfish monster.

Either way it doest seem to me i (or we) have any chance.

Im not like others. Not like normal people. Not like normal girls. He deserves better and much more than i can give him. I know it for sure. So is it worth giving it a try? My mind says no, my heart says yes.

But im so afraid. He saying he's fond of me was really heartwarming. So much that ive started having a little bit of hope in life. And i hate it. It was easier when there wasnt any because there were not any contrasting feelings and thoughts and now instead im overwhelmed and so f#ing scared I'll hurt him and I'll be hurt too if he rejects me because of my past/present issues.

Im too bad, too selfish, too rigid and too damaged to have a healthy relationship.
Thats what has always happened in the past anyeay, so why this time should be any different? Why even try if you know you'll fail and hurt and be hurt?

Any thoughts??? Advices??? Please???

You're NOT a bad person, sinking, and you're NOT any of those things you've said you are! I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad! The fact that P still wants to talk about you DOES mean that he truly cares about you in my opinion and that he DOES see value in you! I understand that getting closer to people may be scary, especially if you've been hurt in the past, but please DO give it a try! If you find out he isn't kind to you you can always leave before things get worse! Just try to go eat an ice cream with him, perhaps go to take a walk! As for you telling him about his hospitalization, you can always say that you don't want to talk about it at the moment. That's perfectly fair! He can't force you to do that and he HAS to respect your boundaries otherwise things won't work between you two! If you feel like you're not in the mood for talking about that, just tell him that. Perhaps you'll share it when you feel more comfortable around him and when you feel like you can trust him. There's no need to hurry! Take things slowly. Please do NOT hurt yourself as you're truly a valuable and wonderful person! I know it's true, we all know it's true, people in your life know it's true, there's only one person that needs to know it's true, and that's YOU! Be honest with your T and please DO tell her when you're feeling bad! If you feel like she may not be too helpful to you, perhaps DO consider seeing another one! That's just my opinion of course! REMEMBER THAT YOU MATTER! I hope you'll be able to believe that someday! Sending mnay safe, warm hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!

Thank you so much Mickey for your kind gentle words and support.

But yes, i am a bad selfish monster.

Apart that, Yes, getting closer to people IS VERY scary for me.

Im sure P is a gentle soul. I can feel it. Problem is i already told him i would have given him some explanation for my long sick leave. All the while, we've been in touch through texts (best communication way for me), ive been very vague about why i wasnt at work. I think maybe i could tell him i have issues with depression... that would explain everything and truthfully without revealing too much about whats really going on... i guess thats my plan for now about how to answer to that question, but it may also be he wont ask and then i HOPE, we'll be able to talk spontaneously and it will all come up by itself easily. Thats my hope at least.

BUT
Im torn. I want the sui euphoria, not the "first meeting" excitement/fear. I want to be done with thoughts and feelings. Im SO tired. I dont know if i can find the courage to hope even.kust a little bit again...

Hello again, Sinking, dear.

Just a couple of quick responses to your last 2 posts.

Firstly, you say you don't really want to quit with your current T, and I think that should tell you something. I do understand how totally demoralizing it is to have your hopes constantly demolished, although I don't know exactly how that has worked in your life. One way to get around that is to stop having hopes, and just take one step at a time. Stop and see how that turns out. Then when you're ready, take another step. But keep your goals realistic. For you. Honor your life for what it is, for what is has been.

Another thing to avoid is to start getting too far ahead of yourself. As in, what if this happens? What if that happens? The thing is, you have limited control. You have control only over yourself, and not over what other people do or what the world does. All you can do is try to figure out what you are reasonably comfortable revealing, or saying, and try that out on the other person. Then wait.

Please - be well, and stay safe. Life really is precious.

Very wise Mopey. Thank you so much
I'll think about what you wrote. Thanks again!

Sinking, I have to apologize. I don't mean to come across like the Prophet Isaiah. Nor do I consider myself wise. I'm just old. Therefore I've had some experiences. As I mentioned to you before, when I read people's posts, I seem to respond to them from somewhere other than my thinking brain. Thoughts knock against me and I put them out on paper, or on the screen. I have no idea if those thoughts are worth anything or if there is any truth to them, but they seem to come out of me through intuition rather than analysis, and they're all I have to offer, so I post them.

Hopefully I'm not doing anyone any harm, especially you.

Mopey, my angel, please dont apologize. You said nothing wrong. Actually i apologize if my answer made you feel like that. I sincerely found your words wise. I didnt add much because i was too tired to think and give a better answer.
Please. Never stop talking with me, unless it makes YOU feel bad. Im excited everytime i see you answered to my post and you always made me feel better. Keep talking as you are doing. By intuition or however you can/feel like it. Please do not stop talking, you are helping me so much and i bet many others too. I hope you're getting some help from others too.
And... I do consider you wise and i truly mean it.

Yesterday night they changed my meds and i finally got a good long night of sleep. Im also more free from thoughts and feelings, almost numb. Today is a resting day, i have nothing to do and I'll enjoy it as much as i can. Pdoc said they'll keep me IP at least until tuesday. Its ok with me.

I got to clarify something with a friend and im happy we're not mad at each other anymore. Now I'll write to P, then lunch and a resting afternoon, with my mom coming to visit me...

I still have sui ideations but they dont bother/worry me too much until im IP. I could, but i wouldnt do it here.

Mopey, as for your previous post: not wanting to quit T., what should it mean? I want to keep going because it helps me with daily struggles, not because i want or hope it will stop my sui ideations.

As for hope, i was talking in general. Hope means you have a little reason to live and i dont want that. HOW DO YOU STOP HAVING HOPES? expectstions maybe, but hope? I dont think.theres a way to stop having them.

As for P, im doing exactly what you suggested actually. No plans, just let things go spontaneously. But i had to prepare something to say to explain the long sick leave without lying.

I know thinking too much about whay MAY happen is no good, but i need to feel in control and have a way to deal with whatever could happen.

I know its about control. And i know i cant control others but i can prepare myself in the best way i can.

As for what to tell P, i think mentioning d epression in a lighter way couldbe the best way to go. But anyway, we'll see...

Thank you Mopey for your support and helping me think things through.
Love you hugs

How did your appointment with P go, sinking? I sure hope it went alright! Let us know if you're feeling any better! Mopey is VERY wise and I'm so glad that he's helping you out so much! I'm so sorry I'm not here for you as often as I should be! Either way, please keep venting here and please keep us updating us if you can and want to! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please do remember that you ARE a GOOD person! No need to feel ashamed of yourself! It's not your fault if you're feeling bad! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, sinking!

Dear Mickey, i havent met with P yet, we just TALKED about meeting up next week or maybe the week after. We do not have a date yet. Of course if and when it will happen I'll post about it.
Thank you for caring and supporting me. Love and hugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by sinking Mopey, as for your previous post: not wanting to quit T., what should it mean? I want to keep going because it helps me with daily struggles, not because i want or hope it will stop my sui ideations. As for hope, i was talking in general. Hope means you have a little reason to live and i dont want that. HOW DO YOU STOP HAVING HOPES? expectstions maybe, but hope? I dont think.theres a way to stop having them. As for P, im doing exactly what you suggested actually. No plans, just let things go spontaneously. But i had to prepare something to say to explain the long sick leave without lying. I know thinking too much about whay MAY happen is no good, but i need to feel in control and have a way to deal with whatever could happen. I know its about control. And i know i cant control others but i can prepare myself in the best way i can. As for what to tell P, i think mentioning d epression in a lighter way couldbe the best way to go. But anyway, we'll see... Thank you Mopey for your support and helping me think things through. Love you hugs

Thanks for this, Sinking, all of these points are good points and have caused me to re-evaluate what I said.

First of all, I guess that as to your T, the way I see it is that your day-to-day struggles are in fact your life. While you have day-to-day struggles, even though you may have thoughts and ideations, you are still alive. I see that as a positive thing, myself.

As to hope, of course we all have hopes and aspirations. Wouldn't be human if we didn't. But I've read a lot of New Age philosophers, and they often say to stop concentrating on our hopes, and I think what that has come to mean for me is to stop living on our hopes and saying, Gee, when THAT happens I'll finally feel OK. I.E., I'll only feel good about myself if I can get married. I'll only feel good about myself when I can do a double pirouette. That sort of stuff. Sure you can have hopes and goals, but it's also possible to have a sense of yourself as having value, quite outside your goals and accomplishments and hopes.

Naturally, of course you need to find something to comfortably say to P. I see nothing wrong with a mention of your depression. And I'm also interested in how your meeting turns out. Hope it goes well.

And of course you must try to prepare yourself as best you can for what you are able to foresee. I do the same thing, of course. I am constantly anxious, and therefore spend hours ruminating about what if this happens, what if that happens, and what will I do if it does. I just TRY to realize that I can't control everything! (LOL)

I am in no way any better than you or any wiser (I am just older), and I hope we can just think of ourselves as online friends, completely equal to each other. The way I think of it is, Mickey and I, who have been posting with you a lot lately, are outside your situation rather than inside it the way you are, and so can offer a different perspective. That's all, really.

Till next time, be well.

Hi Mopey, Thank You for your answer.

Excuse me, but i dont think i have understood what you said about T. Maybe you meant to say that day to day struggles equals to life and since im still alive T is doing a good job with me?

As for hope, i have read the same stuff too but instead of not having hopes i have perceived/interpreted it as "do not look for happiness outside of yourself as in objects, money, success, people, etc. But in yourself because being happy is your choice"

Im aware this may be hard to hear in this forum, but of course i dont think thats that simple. Depression is also chemical imbalance, so as for "the choice", - that part - will is not enough. Not for everyone.

but i do believe theres truth in this way of thinking. For some people it comes easier and for others it may seem impossible, but the whole thing resonstes with me.

Thank you for your opinion on meeting with P and what to say and prepare myself the best way i can. It makes me feel more confident hearing you agree with what ive thought about it. Except for a few points, i hope it will all come naturally and of course im not planning how the whole meeting will go. Just a few things to feel more confident, more excited and less scared!

Yes, we are online friends, equals. I was just saying you are wise. But i do consider us online equal friends. And i think its a beautiful precious thing. At least for me it is....

And i appreciate yours and Mickey's posts with your opinions and suggestions and support. Actually i want to THANK YOU very much for not abandoning me. I know my posts are long and probably boring, but you read and answer anyway, so THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Today i see my friend for lunch (they let me out only if accompained by someone), and then T again because she wont be available next week... so today should be a pleasant day in spite of my continuous urges. I hope T will help me with them... just for a little longer...

(((((((((( Sinking ))))))))))

Thank you Fuzzy. Hugs to you.

Today was good. I slept well, stayed in bed until my friend came to have lunch together (an excuse to get out of here and see my T since nobody else could accompany me to see her) and then saw T.

I think its the first time T got what i mean when i say i see "flashes" because this time i had a motory reaction that she could clearly see.

We talked about P a lot, and i decided to give him a chance. Meaning i wont back off before i meet him outside of the working place and the meeting goes bad for both of us.

We also talked about my sui urges. I think she got that too but it was very triggering so as soon as it was possible i asked for meds to calm me down.

I dont know if i can resist the urges until i meet up with P (who knows when??), or until i see T again on the 26th, or until i get to see exT on july 11th. Its a lot to wait and im not sure i can resist. Urges keep bombarding my mind and i dont know how to stop them and maybe a part of me doesnt even want to stop them...

Tomorrow im going at my parents. Im not sure what attitude to have with them. I surely dont feel like talking. Id like to stay on my pc but i think it would be impolite and unfair to them if staying at their home means i stay alone with my pc. I'll try to balance the two things...

How is it going, sinking? Are you with your parents right now? I hope you're taking this chance to RELAX! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're trying to resist those urges! You're stronger than you think you are! Just try to hang in there to that part of you that wants to live, ok? YOU'VE GOT THIS, MY FRIEND! Please believe in yourself because YOU CAN DO THIS! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! Definitely keep us updated if you can! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I hope things will get better soon for you one way or another! Keep working on yourself! Stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your family, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!

Thank you Mickey.
Im still IP. Weekend went well, P is always nice with me by texts but...
Thinking about going back to normal life in a couple of days scares me.
Today is just not a good day...
I wish i were dead. I should be dead by now.

(((((((( sinking ))))))))

Tomorrow I'll have to talk with my pdoc to decide whether im staying IP or getting out. Im scared of getting out but its something I'll need to do sooner or later, so maybe its better tomorrow so that i can meet up with P on wed. There are other things i need to do too but im afraid my parents wont let me be alone at my flat in fear i attempt again. So in a way, getting out, would be useless if i cant do my stuff alone. Im scared of meeting up with P too. What will i tell him? Too much, and scare him away? Or too little so that he finds me boring? It cant go well with him. I already know. Who would want me? And the stuff i need to do... and survive 3 whole days at work? Maybe i could ask to work less, they would probably let me, but still it would mean being at work anyway.

I dont want to face it all over again. I dont want to go back in the real world again. I dont know when to attempt again and i guess thats what scares me the most. Not having a real plan. Having to live as before. I dont want to live. I want to be dead. But its so hard to find the perfect day, the perfect moment and the meeting of my thoughts, wants, needs, feelings... all together cooperating to create the perfect attempt. I dont know if all these things will be "at the same page" all together again soon. How can i do it without a perfect plan?

Baby steps, i know, but thats exactly what scares me and i dont want to do. No baby steps, no life. I dont want it. And here, being IP IS a little like not living...
Not sure i explained myself too well, sorry. Im confused and scared and not having a plan is the worst for me. Theres no peace in my mind. It keeps being numb, trying to find a solution, not finding it and being back to numb again. I hate it. What can i do to calm down? Im going crazy here. And nobody can help me. And who could, cant because they cant. Nobody can.

Its so hard to go against what your heart is telling you and follow your mind instead...

What does your mind tell you, sweetheart, as opposed to what your heart tells you?