What to do?

ExT betrayed me. T was going to also.
(Talking about T confidentiality for both).
Im IP now. What am i doing here? I shouldnt be here.
What will i do now? Or just tomorrow?
How can i trust anyone now? How can i talk?
What plan to follow?
Saying im fine so i get out of here,
Or quit talking because i dont feel i can trust anyone anymore and dont want to talk to anyone?
What am i doing here? What will i do tomorrow? Will they just let me out?
What am i supposed to do?
Im SO confused.
PLEASE HELP ME. ANY OPINION WELCOME.
THANKS.

((((Sinking))))

I am thinking of you, not sure what advice to give you.

Sending warm wishes to you

(((((((( Sinking ))))))))

Thank you. Ive tought through it and decided its useless to lie this soon. I'll let some time pass, get out of here and when the next perfect day will come i wont tell anybody, not even Ts. Just a call to hear their voices and goodbyes texts when it will be too late to stop me. It was so dumb of me to believe in T confidentiality... I'll still have to think what to do with Ts (see them or not, talk with them or not about other stuff, etc), but i have time...

Sinking, dear, part of the mission of your therapists is to keep you alive. I'm not sure what the laws are in Italy, but I believe that here in the U.S. if a therapist has reason to believe that a patient is a danger to herself or others, that therapist actually has a legal obligation to hospitalize or restrain that patient.

So far from it about being a betrayal of you, it is quite the opposite, and very likely a necessary compliance with the law. It's likely their licenses could be forfeit otherwise.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking! I'm sure they did it for your own safety! Please try to stay safe AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I'm glad at least you're in a safe space right now! Just stay there until you start feeling better, ok? Your own health must be the PRIORITY! Please try to stay safe and to be honest with your Ts! I understand why you may feel betrayed, but trust me when I say that they've had no bad intentions! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're still here with us! Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you want to discuss thing privately! You know my inbox is ALWAYS open for you! YOU ARE LOVED! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE KEEP US UPDATED ON YOUR SITUATION IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO, OK? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK! YOU'LL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! SENDING MANY AWESOME, KIND, SAFE, SWEET, WARM, WISE AND WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SINKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, MY FRIEND! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

Thank you both.

Mopey, now i know they were obligated to do something. ExT chose to talk with my parents. T would have shown up at my flat since i had told her what time i was thinking of doing it. I had asked them if there was any chance i could have been stopped and they said there wasnt. Maybe to not alarm me and force me to do it sooner, before THEY could have done anything.

But the result is only that now i cant be honest with them anymore. Not about plans...

Today i had an intense exchange of texts with exT. Im afraid he's mad or hurt from what i told him which is, im not pushing him away (ie. Not going to session on monday) but i dont want him to be professionally involved with me so that he is free from me and i wont be a problem or a burden to him. We decided for a phone appt. on monday since i dont think i could have beared a face to face session...

Today i didnt get to talk with pdoc who yesterday told me we would have, but at least i should be able to see her tomorrow morning and ask if they let me out on monday. I dont feel like going back to work and routine. I just want to complete the plan...T

Mickey, thank you for your kindness and continuous support too. I hope you're doing better. Please, forgive me but i dont have much strength to talk more than this and help you as i wish i could.
Takecare.

((((((( ))))) Much love and support to you.

Thank you Mopey for you support. You are such a nice, gentle and caring person. Thank you. I hope you're ok.

Now im still waiting to talk with pdoc to see if they let me out on monday. I dont know what i want or what I'll say. I guess I'll just answer questions and then accept consequences... cant do much more or "manipulate" because, i for first, dont know what id want to do on monday... so... I'll just answer questions sincerely i guess...

Answering sincerely is the way to go, sinking! It will definitely take time to readjust to your normal routine but YOU WULL MAKE IT! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Don't be afraid to ask to stay in there a little bit more if you feel like you need that! THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER! THAT'S A PROMISE! Hang in there, my dear, sweet friend! We're all rooting for you! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please keep us updated on your situation and let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I hope things will get better soon for you and that you'll be able to come back home soon! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, SINKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND, JUS TLIKE YOU ARE! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER AT SOME POINT! THAT'S A PROMISE!

Hugs

Thank you both.

I did get to talk with pdoc and i did tell the truth. I even said "i could lie to get out of here" and she answered she would know, so i guess sincerity is the best way to go at the moment.

When I'll be too sick and tired to stay here, then maybe i would lie to get out of here. For now im staying with the truth.

She said theyre keeping me IP until monday and then we'll discuss about getting out. Im still not sure what i want to do. But im glad to be here until monday because i dont think i would have been ready to go back to work.

At least tomorrow i will go at my parents for lunch and good shower. It will help passing the time since sundays are so flat and boring. But maybe, every day is like that too.

Thank you all for your support.

That would probably be good, Sinking. The honesty part, I mean. ♥️

Yes, i guess you're right Mopey. Until it wont be possible anymore...

Today was a good day. I even went at my parents for lunch, shower, seeing the cats and chat a bit with parents.

But im VERY worried and VERY anxious for tomorrow. Should see pdoc but we dont have an appt. So i dont know when.
T may offer me a session, but again i dont know what time.
The most important thing is i have a phone T appt. at around 3:30pm and i hope the other two wont be at the same time. I owe my exT to be there on the phone with him at the time he fixed because it should have been a normal session but i refused to go and talk in person. So he accepted my suggestion for a phone call. So i owe it to him to be punctual and not in a rush or on the streets.

Im so worried and anxious the three things will overlap and i dont want to be so stressed.

My friend could also come to visit me. She just texted me asking what time she could come but i dont know. Evening maybe should be better, since the other appts should have already taken place. I was kind of hoping my friend wouldnt ask to come but it should be nice to have her here and chat a bit... i hope I'll be able to do everything tomorrow. But i repeat it: IM SO WORRIED AND ANXIOUS FOR TOMORROW. I know its not something that matters, but it does matter a lot to me. Please anyone, be with me and send good energies... Thank you

Sending good energies. Please do try to be truthful if you can. Being truthful can lift some of the burden of anxiety off you, no matter how the other person responds. At least you know you were grounded in something with weight. That is, the truth.

Thank you Mopey, it went all right, your positive energies worked!

This morning my T came to me (so kind of her), and we had a weird session in a bar (but reserved place)! I got to tell her everything i had to tell her. Then we talked with pdoc about the meds and she said I'll get out in a "few" days, just staying vague about that, and that was it.

I informed people at work. I actually dont feel like going to work or get back to routine too soon. (Im still scared and excited at the same time when i think about the plan...) but sooner or later ill have to go back.

After lunch i called exT and we had a nice long chat. I love that man. He's so gentle and kind...

Then met with my friend and we caught up with the news from last week. It was pleasant except that it was very hot for a walk so we didnt stay out long.

Today couldnt have gone better than this. Thank you for your support again

Blessings to you, Sinking. Glad, glad, glad things went so well.

Just by the bye, it's HORRENDOUSLY hot here as well. This can be a pattern for us here in early June. The plants in the yard are all fading, we are all fading, the swamp coolers are on.

Thank you Mopey,

Today i got to briefly talk with pdoc but only to arrange a real meeting for tomorrow morning.

I think I'll say i prefer to stay IP a few more days. It feels safer for me and for my family. Giving us more time.

Then tomorrow my mom and i will get a coffe together and then she'll give me a ride to see T.

The rest of the day should be free.

Positive of this all: parents are more aware of what may happen, dad talked to me, and P and i are again in touch via texts which is nice.

I didnt get to sleep tonight. Too many thoughts and worries...

I'll talk with pdoc about a change in meds to help me sleep more and better, and ask her when they'll let me out. At this point i prefer to stay all week or at least until friday. We'll see what she says...

Then i have session with T. And we'll talk about how appropriate it is to continue therapy together....

Im nervous for both meetings. Im so tired. This is exactly what i wanted to avoid!!!