Starting again...

Today was my first day in real life after 2 weeks of being IP.

I was pretty scared to get out and to start the day, but once decided i had to get out and once stated that being scared is normal and is what i always feel like when getting out, it was a bit easier. it helped a lot to know T and exT are on my side and pdoc wants to see me on friday morning. also, it helped a lot having asked at work to have a part time schedule this week.

Going back to work this morning was hard. i had to think "thats why i wanted to off myself". but as the morning proceeded it started to get a little easier and i started to feel more comfortable.

After work i had this "date" with P. we just had lunch break together actually. but it was the first time i saw P outside the workplace except for having been in contact through texts while i was IP. we talked a lot. about our studies, previous jobs, friendhsips, muisc, dancing, sports, volunteering and we admitted to each other that we both have been patients at the mental health center. and i admitted to him thats where i was during these 2 weeks of sick leave. it didnt seem to bother him, he just said its quite normal for very sensitive people, so he made it look as if it was a positive thing. at the greeting moment we kissed each other on the cheek (i started it - i guess i just think i have othing to lose if i try to be more open and effusive. i wanted to see how it would feel and it felt a bit embarassing but nice) and then he went back to work and i left.

i honestly dont know what i would want to come out of this. based on previous relationships i guess this will lead to failure because normal people in a normal relationship expect kisses, sex, sleeping together, emotional dependance etc. while i could tolerate them but not looking forward to them. id like for both of us to have a Squish on each other but possibilities that this happens are maybe less than zero. but since each and every relationship is unique, i guess i could think that maybe things could be different with him. i have already told him i love the way he talks and he said he feels the same about me. next time we get to talk (if we do it again) id like to focus more on the present and future rather than the past as we did today. it doesnt sound like he has a gf but maybe, from what he said, i could think he has a crush on one of his girl friends. i dont know and i dont wan to think too much. just letting things go as naturally and spontaneously as possible.

my T texted me to know how i was doing and i told her i was trying to keep myself busy not to think too much but that up to that moment things were ok.

after that i went at the mall. got a toner and did grocery shopping. once at my flat, i saw i had received 2 letters. one is a bill to pay (but thats ok because it will go automatically) and the other is a registered mail, so i'll have to go at the postal office to get what was sent. im sick of these things. i hope i'll get it done within this week, when i go to close my bank account (i switched to another one). also i immediately saw there is a new carpet at my neighbors door. i didnt hear nosies and i saw a man coming out of it alone, so i guess they're working on the flat before coming to live here but im a bit disappointed it didnt stay vacant. now i just hope the new neighbors will be decent and there wont be problems.

i called my mom to tell her the news. i couldnt wait until tonight… also i noticed its quite hot at my flat, and maybe i'll have to buy an air conditioner… i put everything in order and started to update my files and decided to keep my "last will box" here instead of at my parents'. its easier to update that too..

as soon as i opened my laptop i saw i have problems with Windows. so i called my dad and will bring him the laptop so that he can fix it. i really hope he gets to fix it.

then, while writing this post, and thinking about soon going to sleep, i had to re-call my mom because i was a bit scared of going to sleep alone. she got to calm me down and tranquilize me a bit. its true. i dont like it very much. i love being free of eating what i want and when i want it but being alone all the time is a bit scary. even though when im at my parents i spend most of the time alone with my tv series, LIVING alone is different. theres nobody i can exchange a word with or nobody to go to if i have a problem or just feel like chatting a bit. i usually dont, but having my parents' presence at their home is reassuring. living alone is scary. maybe thats why i keep writing all about my day here… trying to feel less lonely…. deluding myself im not THIS alone.

all the while, i had a small dinner, got my meds and now im ready to go to bed. almost….
Tomorrow will be a busy day too. i keep trying to keep myself busy so that i dont think too much…
i guess…. more tomorrow...

Has it really been 2 weeks, Sinking?

Welcome back to the big, noisy, unpredictable outside world.

I'm REALLY HAPPY to see you back, sinking! I'm glad that your appointment with P went well. I completely agree with what you've already wisely said better than I ever could. Just go with the flow! You've got nothing to lose! I'm sure you'll get used to your routine again just like you did before! You've been able to survive through many difficulties and you will do that again! I'm sure of that! You're definitely NOT alone here on PC! You know you have people caring about you here! Please keep writing since it is helping out! We DO care about you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life, my friend! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, P, your family and ALL the people you love and who love you, sinking, my dear sweet friend! IT'S SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!

I am pleased you are back sinking

Hugs and peace to you

(((((((((( Sinking )))))))))

Hugs, respect and peace to you

It sounds like you been really busy in the past couple of weeks.

Welcome back!

WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! i didnt expect any answer really, especially since i have written an essay yesterday and i think im SO boring… but thanks, everyone for answering or even just reading. really, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU!!!!

Today was ok. i slept pretty well in spite of the hot. im finally losing weight. while being IP i started eating less and it gave me the courage to continue this way even out, so im finally losing and im so happy and more confident now. especially since summer and the beach are here now.

work went pretty well. nothing special between me and P. we were just colleagues as always, no mentioning of yesterday's lunch together. its ok this way. its easier. not having much pressure. but if it happens, i'll ask him out for another lunch together i guess. i really like talking with him.

after work i went at the Human Resources because i had to do some paperwork because of the sick leave in IP and i got the chance to chat a bit with my "old" colleagues (the ones i started with, when i was supposed to be a secretary for them but since it could not become a real job they invited me to try the call center job and i did, even though i hated and still dont like it too much, so im happy when i see the old colleagues. one of them is also my "friend" since we met a couple of times outside of the working place). we got to hat a bit about how my job is going, about the courses we attended and we actually had a good time together.

after that i went at the postal office to complete the paperwork and then i went to get two small presents for my friend and her bf since they both have their bday at the end of the month. i thought i could get the gifts in time for once and i did find what i was looking for (a cd with relaxing music for my friend and a key chain for him). i even spent less than i thought so i was pretty happy and satisfied with myself.

then i went at my flat to get some stuff (laptop included and i REALLY hope my dad will fix the windows problem!) and came at my parents. just because its easier to see the pdoc tomorrow morning coming from their house rather than mine. they are not here tonight so im alone again but i feel safer at my parents'. im not sure why. yesterday night i was feeling so bad i asked my mom to sing me a lullaby on the phone. i dont know how but it really relaxed me and comforted me. i know it may sound ridiculous at my age, but im such a scared little girl inside… im also lucky my mom doesnt think its too weird and complies me. i must say it when my mom really is a GOOD mom.

so once here, i took a shower, cuddled a bit with my cat and started dinner while coming here on PC. it really helps me feeling less alone.

now i'll go feed the cats, then watch my tv series while waiting for my parents to come home. from my dad i hope he'll fix the laptop issue while from my mom i hope she'll stay a little bit with me before going to bed. im still taking my meds as prescribed and i think they're helping me. but what really helps is knowing that i do have a perfect plan and if/when things will be too bad and dark and desperate i'll have the strength to follow through. this is what gives me the strength to go on at the moment. the awareness that i can stop it all whenever i want it.

somebody said once: "without the idea of suicide i would have surely killed myself". i find this so true…

Good night everyone

WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! i didnt expect any answer really, especially since i have written an essay yesterday and i think im SO boring… but thanks, everyone for answering or even just reading. really, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU!!!!

Sinking, dear, you may be many things, but you are NOT boring!!!

Definitely NOT boring, sinking! As you can see you ARE LOVED here, MY FRIEND! I'm REALLY HAPPY your day went ok! Keep taking these little steps and you'll get BETTER and BETTER! Just remember to take GREAT care of yourself! Of course if things get bad we'll be here for you cheering you on and supporting you! You can count on us for support! Please keep us updating since it is helping you out! WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I'm REALLY HAPPY that writing here is helping you out! Wish you the best of luck in your healing and in your life my dear sweet friend! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend and to ALL of the people you love and who love you! KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, MY FRIEND!

Thank you both for saying im notboring!

Today was a little different thanmy usual routine. i slept at my parents and that was fine, then went to seepdoc and in spite of not liking her much, not having much intimacy withher and not estimating her particularly for always making me wait 30mins beforegoing in and keeping me there about only 5 mins, with both of us not knowingmuch what to say, i was really upset when she said they (those who decidethings) have decided to move her to another place.

at first i was worried about whoelse im going to be matched with (i dont think i can choose), but as the daykept going on i started to feel more and more upset about not seeing heranymore. we have fixed one last session next week and thats supposed to be thelast one. i've thought about giving her a plant and actually right now ivethought it would be nice to give her a small letter too.

she might not have been the bestpdoc ever, but in her own way she made me feel she did care about me (saying itdirectly not long ago), even if just a little bit (because i still think she is too burned out to care really for her patients) and thats a good thingand something i feel i have to thank her for.

after that, i went to the postaloffice with my dad, to close the bank account. as expected it was not that easyas it might seem and they said i'll have to go back in 2 weeks because blahblah blah….. i hate that stuff.

then went home, watched some tvseries episodes while the bricklayers were working (i hate having strangers athome!) and then had lunch with my parents (my fav. pasta: carbonara!!!).

after that i went to work. i hadonly 3 hours scheduled for today but i was feeling sick and tired of it anyway.its hard to do a job you dont like, you know?

and in the end i went out fordinner with my friend. we chatted and walked and had a good time.

now im at my parents again. havefed and cuddled with both my cats and my dad got to fix the laptop problem (mydad is a genius with computer stuff!) and now im soon going to bed. im so gladits the weekend again. i hope i'll get to enjoy it and relax as much as i can….and if i feel like it i'll text P but im not sure of that. it didnt seem he wasinterested in seeing me again outside the workplace. i dont know… but thats nota problem really.

im more upset about pdoc leavingme.

I'm sorry too about Pdoc, Sinking. Doesn't sound like it's Pdoc's choice though...

Glad you had a nice time with your friend. Pet your cats. Hang in there.

Today has been a boring day.

i got to sleep until 12pm and i was glad about it. the less i am conscious the better i feel. i hate living through life consciously. with all the thoughts and feelings stressing me out.

then spent the rest of the day watching tv series, cuddling with my cats and eating (i hate that i gave in and got some nutella). i also spent some time with my mom but all in all today was just boring. not really relaxing because i still feel upset and agitated inside. not sure why. im just trying to keep everything under control and even though it helps on one side, on the other its just stressing.

i worte that letter for my pdoc, write a few stuff for my exT and the next session and fixed a schedule for next week and updated most of my files…. now im going to have dinner and then sleep again. i wish i could sleep forever.

Today has been hard. inside i mean.

apparently everything went ok. didnt sleep very well but got to rest all day watching tv series, cuddling with my cats and everything seemed ok. i went to the grocery store for my parents, went to get gas for my car and also watched a movie exT gave me as a GIFT (the first and only gift i got from him - something material i mean). i had already seen it (years ago when he first mentioned it), i dont find it particularly deep or resonating with me so im not sure why it means so much to him that he wanted to share it with me, but it got me thinking about stuff and i started feeling like SHing (especially since my parents went away fro 2 hours) and re-planning my sui day.

but i behaved well. no self harm, no comfort binge eating, no pills, not bothering anyone only to keep me distracted (and didnt hear from P anyway). took a shower instead but didnt help calming down. i feel so much turmoil inside.

im trying to tell myself i just have to behave normal, follow routine and schedules and will also get to see T on wed. but inside, deep inside, im so agitated, im thinking about when and how soon will be the day. im trying to hold on with baby steps, baby goals etc. but i really would just want to end it all. im tired of everything. sick and tired of everything. why did they stop me? i dont want to disappoint anyone, especially Ts and family, but i feel so much like giving up. bad day today

You're trying your best and that's what counts, sinking! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you were able to resist your urges and to NOT harm yourself! That truly proves how strong you are and I hope you'll remind yourself of this accomplishment if you still feel bad. Either way perhaps you won't agree with me but I believe you're magaging ALL of this very well. You're taking care of yourself, working, trying to stay with other people and you're NOT isolating yourself. These are all HUGE steps you're taking and I believe you need to give yourself more credit for this! I know it isn't easy but please keep trying. You're doing WONDERFUL! We're here for you if you need support or if you feel like you can't handle it. I'm so sorry to hear about your Pdoc! I COMPLETELY understand how you feel and what you mean. Even though you may not like her too much you've STILL made a connection with her. You've been seeing for her for a long time after all. Is that correct? Feel free to correct me if that's not true! Either way, the positive side is that perhaps your new Pdoc will be BETTER! Try to think of that if you're not doing it already. Perhaps that will make you feel slightly better. Keep taking care of yourself and keep relaxing when you can! You're an hard-working person whether you want to admit it or not! Also, you don't have to answer this, but can you tell which movie did your ex-T suggest? Just curious! You don't have to asnwer of course if you don't want to! Either way, keep doing what you're doing! I hope you'll feel better soon and that things will adjust soon for you and your life! Please keep us updated and let us know how things are going for you, your family, your Pdoc, your therapist and your friends, ESPECIALLY P if you feel like talking about that and if you want to talk about that of course! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and ALL the people who you love and who love you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!

(((((((((( Sinking )))))))))))