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xxKaneLovesZoexx
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Trig Jun 22, 2019 at 07:05 PM
  #1
Sorry for the title, it probably sounds worse than I meant. So essentially I've been struggling with ptsd, bipolar, borderline for a very long time, I made this promise that I'd not survive past my 21st birthday and when I did it was such a surprise.

I was that serious thst I didn't plan anything past 21, it wasn't that I'd die at my own hands, but others or drugs, or fate. Something just told me I wasn't going to survive. Then on my 21st birthday I developed bacterial pneumonia and was hospitalised - and for the first time ever I felt comfort. I felt like yes was finally it, my last days. However I was released a few days later with antibiotics..

However, now I have this new feeling of doom. I ride motorcycles, been in three bike "should of been fatal" accidents but again, here I am, writing this post. But I have this feeling I'm going to pass soon, again maybe not by my own ways, but illness or accidental. I have this desire to die, not unhappy as such, just fed up of this constant lifestyle. I've ran away many times new life, new people, new jobs ect.. I've started a bucket list, but the urge to just end myself is so intense. Again, I'm not sad.. Just fed up now, done what I've wanted to do, wanna go now, type of mood.

Any ideas what this could stem from?

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Last edited by FooZe; Jun 23, 2019 at 06:57 PM.. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #2
This sounds like being passively suicidal? I've experienced the same before, being somewhat obsessed with death. Had a period where I felt that death was my calling, that I needed to die or that it was my purpose to die. Technically it's true since everyone dies eventually, but there should be more purpose for life than simply ending.

I guess it may come from feeling done with life, not really wanting anything more. I've never really wanted anything, for example stuff like having a family or being successful career-wise. This feeling went away when having someone to live for, someone who I cared about who needed me. Right now I don't feel like they need me anymore so it's kind of back, but not as strong as it used to be.

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Last edited by byfnvy; Jun 23, 2019 at 09:25 AM.. Reason: Accidentally clicked post before done.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:37 AM
  #3
Yeah - you hit the nail on the head. Maybe once I start my new job and settle down AGAIN it'll go.

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Amitriptylne

Tried
Resperidone
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Zopiclone
Olanzapine
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:53 PM
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 03:00 AM
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 09:04 AM
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 07:48 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxKaneLovesZoexx View Post
Sorry for the title, it probably sounds worse than I meant. So essentially I've been struggling with ptsd, bipolar, borderline for a very long time, I made this promise that I'd not survive past my 21st birthday and when I did it was such a surprise.

I was that serious thst I didn't plan anything past 21, it wasn't that I'd die at my own hands, but others or drugs, or fate. Something just told me I wasn't going to survive. Then on my 21st birthday I developed bacterial pneumonia and was hospitalised - and for the first time ever I felt comfort. I felt like yes was finally it, my last days. However I was released a few days later with antibiotics..

However, now I have this new feeling of doom. I ride motorcycles, been in three bike "should of been fatal" accidents but again, here I am, writing this post. But I have this feeling I'm going to pass soon, again maybe not by my own ways, but illness or accidental. I have this desire to die, not unhappy as such, just fed up of this constant lifestyle. I've ran away many times new life, new people, new jobs ect.. I've started a bucket list, but the urge to just end myself is so intense. Again, I'm not sad.. Just fed up now, done what I've wanted to do, wanna go now, type of mood.

Any ideas what this could stem from?
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! You are not alone! I am going through this right now myself!
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