I'm being pulled 2 different directions and it is driving me insane

I don't know how else to put it. I have already had 1 nervous breakdown (and will pay the price for that for the rest of my life) and have been on the verge of 2 others.
My religious beliefs all my life have taught me that if I kill myself I will goto Hell. I can only imagine how upset this would make my wife. Not to mention that yet once again I would disappoint my parents proving once and for all that my brother is the best and smartest one of us.
Yet I am so tired of fighting. I just want to kill myself. How long should I live for others? I'm going to Hell anyways so what does it matter how I get there.

Some days the pull to stay alive is stronger while other days the pull to just end it all is stronger. The one constant is every day I wake up I regret not doing something the day before.

Have you tried writing what you are grateful for? If you have please excuse the suggestion. If you haven't, why not try it for a month and see if it helps.

Keep going, this life has to be worth something.

I understand your pain HD.

It is very tiring.

I would miss you and I imagine you have people close to you IRL who would be devastated to lose your support.

At this point I can't really think of anything that I am grateful for. It all leads back to I would rather be dead.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Humpty Dumpty I'm sure it must be painful to live like this. Perhaps you just need to make the part that wants to live stronger. You have plenty of qualities and I'm so sorry that you can't see them right now. The fact that your wife loves you means that there ARE many things about you that can be appreciated. I'm not sure how your relationship with your parents is but hopefully they appreciate many things about you as well. Of course love from other people can only go so far when that Love doesn't come from within ourselves I hope you'll be able to receive help since you DO deserve to get better and to feel good AT LEAST as much as everyone else if not more! .throb: You're a WONDERFUL person, Humpty Dumpty. I hope one day you will be able to see that. Try to keep fighting in the meantime. It is hard but you're doing it, Humpty Dumpty. That is something to be proud of! Of course we'll be here for you when you need support. You can ALWAYS count on us, Humpty Dumpty! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Humpty Dumpty, and to ALL of the people who you love and who love you!

I understand

I would miss you

I think there would be people in real life who would be devastated if you exited

Are you grateful for your wife and family?

Not really. If it weren't for my wife I would have been dead years ago. I know you don't see that as a bad thing but I do.

As for other people being sad if I'm gone how long should I live for them? No matter how or when I die there will always be someone who will be sad.