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Nat92
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Post Jun 28, 2019 at 07:33 AM
  #1
I've been a member of this forum since 2014 and it's always helped me to come here. Whenever I've felt down, I was raised back up on my feet by you guys and for that I want to thank you all.

So, to start off I'm the typical naive young woman who's even though she's been hurt and used several times, keeps coming back for more hurt. I've written about my relationships before, but I've never told anyone the darkest moments in between them. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bomb. I can't look at myself in the mirror, not really anyway because all I see is a hollow shell. A fraud. Someone who's a great actress and who wears a mask. It's not me.

Anyway.

I had a VERY good relationship between 2010-2016, until I burnt down my last bridge with this wonderful guy. I did something stupid, something so incredibly stupid and the worst part is though we have no contact today, he doesn't know what I did.

I was broke, I didn't want to tell him I was about to ruin my life again and our relationship was going down the drain. We had countless of arguments because I couldn't find a job and I was battling a lot of things. But I was desperate for him to see me in a better light and so I lied. I kept building on the lies and playing them off so he wouldn't suspect anything. Eventually it came down to me having to go see him and I had no money. I was panicking, I was so terrified of losing him. He said if we were going to fix things, we had to see each other face to face. And as I was already tangled up in all my lies, I tried to find a way to fix it.

This part is so messed up.... I'm so ashamed of this. I've never told this to anyone, ever. Not even my best friend. I often pretend that it never happened but it did.

On the day I was supposed to go see him, I arranged to meet someone who would borrow me some cash. I promised him I'd "repay" him, but he never showed up and so I was stranded midway journey. I didn't know what to do and I kept holding off my ex, saying I was on the train to the airport. Desperate and in my utter terror of not following through, I went onto this website. God knows I regret ever doing this, but I did. I wasn't thinking.

It was the type of website you'd go onto if you needed fast cash and didn't care about the price.

I took the next train without a ticket, as the conductor already had passed through. I ended up on the station and at one point I got in touch with someone who wanted to meet me. We set a time and place ad I walked there on foot to his apartment. However, he never opened the door or reacted to my messages. I was stood up. I walked back to the station, waited around for hours and kept my ex on hold by saying that my train was delayed and i had missed the last flight. I told him I had to wait until the morning. He said it was okay, but I knew I had already dented the surface and his trust was leaking.

You see, I was never good at following through with my promises and he didn't trust me very much.

As night fell, I kept trying to find someone but ended up sleeping on the cold floor at the station. In a last attempt, I reached out to someone I had met the year before. He said I should swing by his bar where he worked. I ended up getting drunk with him but nothing happened though he later claimed he wanted to kiss me. Morning came and I was back trying to find a way to get some money.

I was running out of time, my ex was getting impatient and asked if I was actually coming. I couldn't hold him off for much longer. Around noon a message popped up and I set up a meeting with someone. He said he'd pay me what I wanted.

And then I went numb. I met up with the man, committed the ultimate act of betrayal all so I could get money to see the man I truly loved. I felt nothing, I was empty and hollow. It was like someone turned off the light. But when I met my ex it was like the light was flicked back on. I felt like nothing had happened. I was in denial.

The moment he left me, it all came rushing back like a tidal wave and I was drowning. I am drowning. In sin, in disgust and in hatred towards myself. I feel like I want to disappear. I want to sit alone in a dark room and just vanish.

I can't trust myself, because it was so easy for me to do that. It didn't require any thought, any questions. It was so easy because I felt justified in doing it - I wanted to see the man I loved.

Needless to say, it was for nothing and a month later our relationship fell apart. He never knew and he never will know but I sit back with the broken pieces of myself. A facade that's made up of lies about who I am.

And I have no idea how to fix it?

Thank you for reading this, if you made it this far.

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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 08:12 AM
  #2
I hear you, Nat92. Please don't be so hard on yourself You've made mistakes but what matters is that you're acknowledging it. That's the first step towards healing. Can I ask you if you're working right now? Do you live with your parents? What is your current situation? Are you able to sustain yourself? I hope you don't mind me asking those questions! What you've described has happened in the past and although you can't change it, you CAN change your future. I'd suggesto to focus on that and to make that your priority although I understand it isn't easy. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn many new things and many new ways to cope with your feelings. I'm not sure if you can afford it right now. If you can DEFINITELY give it a try though Hang in there. Things CAN and WILL get better. I'm sure of that. Just keep trying your best and keep working on yourself. We'll be here for you when you're looking for support. I DO hope you have a support system in real life as well! Please hang in there. It gets easier. Keep trying your best like I'm sure you're already WONDERFULLY doing. Surviving is hard but it can be done. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Nat92, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 07:52 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nat92 View Post
I've been a member of this forum since 2014 and it's always helped me to come here. Whenever I've felt down, I was raised back up on my feet by you guys and for that I want to thank you all.

So, to start off I'm the typical naive young woman who's even though she's been hurt and used several times, keeps coming back for more hurt. I've written about my relationships before, but I've never told anyone the darkest moments in between them. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bomb. I can't look at myself in the mirror, not really anyway because all I see is a hollow shell. A fraud. Someone who's a great actress and who wears a mask. It's not me.

Anyway.

I had a VERY good relationship between 2010-2016, until I burnt down my last bridge with this wonderful guy. I did something stupid, something so incredibly stupid and the worst part is though we have no contact today, he doesn't know what I did.

I was broke, I didn't want to tell him I was about to ruin my life again and our relationship was going down the drain. We had countless of arguments because I couldn't find a job and I was battling a lot of things. But I was desperate for him to see me in a better light and so I lied. I kept building on the lies and playing them off so he wouldn't suspect anything. Eventually it came down to me having to go see him and I had no money. I was panicking, I was so terrified of losing him. He said if we were going to fix things, we had to see each other face to face. And as I was already tangled up in all my lies, I tried to find a way to fix it.

This part is so messed up.... I'm so ashamed of this. I've never told this to anyone, ever. Not even my best friend. I often pretend that it never happened but it did.

On the day I was supposed to go see him, I arranged to meet someone who would borrow me some cash. I promised him I'd "repay" him, but he never showed up and so I was stranded midway journey. I didn't know what to do and I kept holding off my ex, saying I was on the train to the airport. Desperate and in my utter terror of not following through, I went onto this website. God knows I regret ever doing this, but I did. I wasn't thinking.

It was the type of website you'd go onto if you needed fast cash and didn't care about the price.

I took the next train without a ticket, as the conductor already had passed through. I ended up on the station and at one point I got in touch with someone who wanted to meet me. We set a time and place ad I walked there on foot to his apartment. However, he never opened the door or reacted to my messages. I was stood up. I walked back to the station, waited around for hours and kept my ex on hold by saying that my train was delayed and i had missed the last flight. I told him I had to wait until the morning. He said it was okay, but I knew I had already dented the surface and his trust was leaking.

You see, I was never good at following through with my promises and he didn't trust me very much.

As night fell, I kept trying to find someone but ended up sleeping on the cold floor at the station. In a last attempt, I reached out to someone I had met the year before. He said I should swing by his bar where he worked. I ended up getting drunk with him but nothing happened though he later claimed he wanted to kiss me. Morning came and I was back trying to find a way to get some money.

I was running out of time, my ex was getting impatient and asked if I was actually coming. I couldn't hold him off for much longer. Around noon a message popped up and I set up a meeting with someone. He said he'd pay me what I wanted.

And then I went numb. I met up with the man, committed the ultimate act of betrayal all so I could get money to see the man I truly loved. I felt nothing, I was empty and hollow. It was like someone turned off the light. But when I met my ex it was like the light was flicked back on. I felt like nothing had happened. I was in denial.

The moment he left me, it all came rushing back like a tidal wave and I was drowning. I am drowning. In sin, in disgust and in hatred towards myself. I feel like I want to disappear. I want to sit alone in a dark room and just vanish.

I can't trust myself, because it was so easy for me to do that. It didn't require any thought, any questions. It was so easy because I felt justified in doing it - I wanted to see the man I loved.

Needless to say, it was for nothing and a month later our relationship fell apart. He never knew and he never will know but I sit back with the broken pieces of myself. A facade that's made up of lies about who I am.

And I have no idea how to fix it?

Thank you for reading this, if you made it this far.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Forgive yourself!
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 07:55 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I hear you, Nat92. Please don't be so hard on yourself You've made mistakes but what matters is that you're acknowledging it. That's the first step towards healing. Can I ask you if you're working right now? Do you live with your parents? What is your current situation? Are you able to sustain yourself? I hope you don't mind me asking those questions! What you've described has happened in the past and although you can't change it, you CAN change your future. I'd suggesto to focus on that and to make that your priority although I understand it isn't easy. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn many new things and many new ways to cope with your feelings. I'm not sure if you can afford it right now. If you can DEFINITELY give it a try though Hang in there. Things CAN and WILL get better. I'm sure of that. Just keep trying your best and keep working on yourself. We'll be here for you when you're looking for support. I DO hope you have a support system in real life as well! Please hang in there. It gets easier. Keep trying your best like I'm sure you're already WONDERFULLY doing. Surviving is hard but it can be done. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Nat92, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!
That is great advice! I wish I had thought about that myself!
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 01:30 PM
  #5

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