Do I need help? Is feeling Alone and unloved a fear?

Okay, I am someone who has gone through a lot. Sexual abuse, family members who are addicts, a divorce, you name it. I struggled with depression and anger, and I always got sad and cried because I am not close to anyone in my family and feel like I am all alone. In the early stages of that, I used anger to fuel me and keep me pushing through whatever stood in front of me. It worked for awhile until I got married to someone who was so nice and didn’t deserve me at my worst. My divorce taught me that anger did nothing except for make me a horrible person capable of not having love and compassion. Sadly it wasn’t until after my divorce that I changed that because I didn’t like the person I was becoming. Later, I dated a guy whom I thought I really liked but in the end I just felt like It was the same old thing and I wasn’t getting the love and attention I wanted and it just made me feel more and more alone. Recently, I have found a partner and we both established we didn’t want anything but just be in a situation that is strictly friends with benefits. It’s been 3 months and he has wanted me over every day, I honestly believe that we both crave that attention that we give each other and we use each other for that reason.
Looking at this I realize that I don’t know how to be by myself and enjoy my own company. I feel like everything I do is either for someone or because of someone other than myself. And it has made me feel even more alone to the point I really think I just can’t grasp the whole “live a happy life”. And it’s crazy to think that even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to rebel and act out or be crazy because it’s not me. I don’t know what to do or how to fix it, I just realize that I can’t be alone and I feel like I need to have someone care about me and be there with me in order for me to not get depressed or all panicked from being alone.

I know this is a lot and I apologize. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry that you are wrestling with that big old hole too ...

I don't know what else to call it, but for me, it's not so much a fear as it's just a realization of how empty and alone I've actually been my whole life because of early neglect and abuse by those who should have been taking care of and loving me.

Not sure how to fill that hole or even if that's even a possibility.

And that just makes it hurt all that much worst.

It's like I can see how badly it's damaged, but have no clue how to make it better - even with 20 something years of therapy under my belt.

I'm almost 60 years old now and have all but given up on ever being whole enough to have a healthy relationship with anyone else and that jut makes me even sadder ...

Hello lion-heart: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I believe this is your first thread here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are having difficulty with being alone & being your own company. You didn't mention if you see a counselor or therapist. If not, that may be something to consider. Chances are the roots of your dilemma stretch deep into your past... sexual abuse, addiction, divorce. It's going to take time & intense effort I would suspect to dig through all of this & figure out how to live that happy life you mentioned.

There are so many articles, in Psych Central's archives, that could be relevant to your concerns it's difficult to know where to begin... or where to stop. Here are links to a selection of 8 articles that (hopefully) may be of help:

Three Ways To Become More Emotionally Self Reliant | Leveraging Adversity

How to Build Self-Confidence, Inner Strength, & Resilience

Inner Strength: How to Build a Firm Foundation for Living Your Best Life

Trapped in a Circle of Your Own Self-Doubt? 3 Steps Out

6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...elf-every-day/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways...with-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-sel...ula-for-women/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.