What it feels like to be me

People tell me to shake it off. To cheer up. They don't know.

It's like a fire in your room. You can feel the blistering heat against your skin. Only you can't see the flame. If you could see the flame, you could put it out. Problem solved. But you don't know what it is. All you feel is pain.

The days drag by, day and night. It's almost paralyzing sometimes. You don't wanna move you don't wanna talk. You don't wanna go to college or meet your friends. Nothing interests you. Not eating not shopping. If you think sleep is going to solve it think again. You're just existing. Breathing. Falling to sleep is next to impossible and if you do end up sleeping, you wake up feeling the same again.

You look at people laugh and wonder how they do it. How can they be so happy? How does one be happy? What is this feeling called joy? Sometimes you burst into tears. Not the few streaks running down your cheeks but a full crying spell, and what's worse is it can happen in public. Among strangers or your friends or your loved ones. They worry, they ask what's wrong, but you just can't stop.

Sometimes it feels like the walls are closing up on you. Your breathing rate elevates and it feels like something or someone will harm you. It usually happens before bed time which is a huge inconvenience. Especially if you have college or work the next day. The constant sleepless nights drive you insane. So you resort to over the counter sedatives. Only you don't know the exact dosage or proper time to take them. So in the morning you end up feeling dopey, lethargic and overall worse.

You see people study for upcoming tests. You don't know how they do it. How do they focus? How does one focus? How does one remember all this stuff? It's like you've forgotten how to do this. You can't sit in front of your books longer than 10 minutes. When test day comes the questions are just a jumble of words. You remember nothing. Nothing makes sense.

You think of ending the pain sometimes. t would end all the pain. Solve all your problems. But then you think of your mother. What will become of her? You stop yourself, but the thoughts go on in a loop.

You try to act "normal" to be "okay". For yourself. For the people around you. You try so hard it gets exhausting. And when too tired to try they say "you're not trying". They don't know.

Every psychiatric visit is draining. Another prescription of medications. And while the medication does help and you do get better for a week or two, there will be a relapse. It's like an undulating fever. You think you're getting better and then you're at ground 0 again.

I've been going through this for almost a year now. This is the first time I'm sharing my story.

Thank you for sharing your pain. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find deep peace in your life.

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, and I'm not feeling well enough myself to write good supportive posts tonight. But I wanted to respond because sometimes replies can be a little slow to come. Give it a little time. Often people just aren't around or aren't feeling well enough to respond right away. It's the nature of online forums unfortunately. Please feel free to post or message anytime. We often talk about what helps and what doesn't for each of us. Often, we just share. I hope something here helps a little.

Please hang in there.

SignOfHope

I am sorry you are feeling so down. You are not alone here. Some people find it a comfort to know they are not the only one to feel this way.

When I am alone, I feel lonely and when other people are around I feel a fraud because I am finding it hard to interact with them.

It sounds to me like you are trying hard. One day at a time, try not to pressure on yourself to measure up to what society expects just now.

Sending hugs

I agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters, @SignOfHope I'm sure many people can relate to your struggles. Please NEVER give up hope. I'm so sorry life is being so hard for you. You deserve MUCH, MUCH better than this. If it can help a little bit, we'll be here for oyu. Feel free to PM me anytime. My inbox is always open for you. I'm sure many other posters will gladly help you as well. Just hang in there. It gets easier. I know it's hard to believe but it does. Just try to do your best like you're already doing. You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL person! Please do ALWAYS remember that. My inbox will be open for you if you need advice and support. Even if you don't, just remember that we'll be here for you. I'm sure you'll like this Forum! Please make yourself at home and don't hesitate to ask for help to the Admins and Moderators or ANYONE else here. I'll be here for you as well. Wish you the BEST of luck in both your healing and your life. Please keep us updated. I hope you'll be able to see yourself like the beautiful person that you truly are. Please stay safe. Take GREAT care of yourself. You are IMPORTANT and you MATTER! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! We'll ALL ALWAYS be here for you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, SignOfHope, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you!

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Invalidation and lack of understanding from other people is upsetting to me as well. I hope you feel better soon.