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Peter76
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Trig Jul 17, 2019 at 12:09 AM
  #1
I keep hearing we are here for a reason, but I feel like I’m here to suffer. I tried to stay positive stay away from bad friends, but everything I do is a **** up . It feels like the whole world is against me . I wish I could switch places with my brother and dead when I was a kid instead of him . Everything is about money! No wonder why so many people commit suicide . There’s really no help unless you pay for it.
Anyways I feel like what’s the point in being here when you bring other people down or hurt other people by being around? I would’ve killed my self already if it didn’t cost my family to bury me . Why did I survive so many bad wrecks, been shot, stabbed, shocked , jumped so many times, but still alive? It’s not like I saved anybody from anything, but lead them down the wrong path . So wouldn’t I being doing everyone a favor by killing myself when I could pay for my own funeral?

Last edited by atisketatasket; Jul 17, 2019 at 10:20 AM.. Reason: Added trigger
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Smile Jul 17, 2019 at 01:54 PM
  #2
Hello Peter: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've had a lot of extremely difficult experiences in your life. You mentioned people saying we are here for a reason. Personally I don't believe that. To me that suggests there's someone higher up "pulling the strings", so to speak. I'm an atheist. I don't believe there's anyone "up there" pulling the strings & I don't believe we're here for any reason other than that our parents conceived us. And, while we're here, we just do whatever we do... hopefully good, but sometimes also bad or indifferent.

You asked if you wouldn't be doing everyone a favor by killing yourself when you could pay for your own funeral. To me that's just a decision you have to make. I can certainly see where if all a person's life is going to consist of is being in more bad wrecks, being shot, stabbed, shocked , & jumped perhaps a person might just decide it's all not worth sticking around for.

On the other hand perhaps a person might decide there could be a reason why they have had all of the bad experiences they've had. And then they might try to figure out what that reason might be & what they can do to turn their life around. (After all... it's the only one you're going to get.) Yes in order to get help you're going to have to pay for it unless you can qualify for some no-cost services. That's simply the way it is. Ultimately the choice is yours. Perhaps the fact that you've come here to PC asking the question you're asking suggests you're not ready to throw in the towel yet, as the saying goes? Perhaps what you're really looking for is a reason to go on...

Here are links to 5 articles on the subject of suicide prevention, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

10 Signs You May Be at Your Tipping Point

How Suicidal Thoughts Can Become a Coping Mechanism

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #3
((((((Peter76))))))), I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. With what you have shared it would not surpise me if you are struggling with PTSD.

First of all what you have listed are all things you experienced and SURVIVED THROUGH. Being a surivivor can cause a person to feel confused as you have laid out. The person that needs SAVING in your life IS YOU. What you laid out in your post of things you survived through can mean even though you surivived you have still been hurt which is why you have these feelings that you have shared here with us. Just because someone surivives doesn't mean that person came out unscathed, instead the individual will now need help to psychologically recover from whatever he/she survived.

I struggle with PTSD myself and I have experienced the feelings you have described feeling. This means you DO need help and time to heal which often people who survived any trauma that created a sense of powerlessness and left that person questioning their sense of safety and how to heal from all these confusing feelings needs time to heal from. When it feels like the whole world is against you, that's a FEELING that is often left after surviving what could be several traumas or somehow failing to experience more favorable outcomes as one engages trying to learn and grow and make gains in their life. Healing includes gaining one's self respect, and for some it could even be learning to have a sense of self respect. Your ability to help others will actually come from your FIRST helping yourself and that requires developing and maintaining PATIENCE with self. Also accepting that you are not perfect, that everyone makes mistakes and you CAN learn and grow as a person even though you feel so lost right now.

What will help you right now is reaching out for help and given what you have shared, I suggest you look for a trauma therapist that can help you manage and reduce these troubling feelings you are experiencing right now. It would help if you had a diagnosis and to learn where your challenged areas are so you can work on managing them and healing so you can gain on having more control of your life instead of how you are feeling right now where you feel you have so little control.

Welcome to Psych Central, there are lots of caring supportive members here that understand how you feel that can validate you and be supportive. Give yourself a chance to do some learning and putting some effort into figuring out a place to start where you can get help and work on slowly healing and finding some direction in your life.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:08 AM
  #4
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much, Peter76 I agree with the wise and just Skeezyks and Open Eyes. Don't throw away your shot as it's the only one you've got. Please do not worry about you "saving" other people. Right now YOU are the one who needs help so please just try to focus on yourself and your own healing. I'm sure that you're not a burden like you think you are. You have EVERY RIGHT to live your a good life just like everyone else does. Yes, often it is difficult but I'm sure that good things can come. Just try to do your best at life. What are you doing right now to help yourself? Do you have a job or anyone that may help you with money? Perhaps you can try to ask for help to a therapist if you can afford it. Either way, PLEASE hang in there. We're here for you and we won't abandon you. THAT'S A PROMISE! I hope you DO have ANY kind of support system in your life. Please be kind to yourself, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Peter76, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for who you TRULY are!
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 08:55 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter76 View Post
I keep hearing we are here for a reason, but I feel like I’m here to suffer. I tried to stay positive stay away from bad friends, but everything I do is a **** up . It feels like the whole world is against me . I wish I could switch places with my brother and dead when I was a kid instead of him . Everything is about money! No wonder why so many people commit suicide . There’s really no help unless you pay for it.
Anyways I feel like what’s the point in being here when you bring other people down or hurt other people by being around? I would’ve killed my self already if it didn’t cost my family to bury me . Why did I survive so many bad wrecks, been shot, stabbed, shocked , jumped so many times, but still alive? It’s not like I saved anybody from anything, but lead them down the wrong path . So wouldn’t I being doing everyone a favor by killing myself when I could pay for my own funeral?

if it helps, I really don't believe in the whole " everyone's put here for a reason" thing. I believe that we're all put here on this earth with basic stuff to help us get started

for example: the ability to breav. being born in to a family. the ability to eat and drink, what happens next (well falls under 2 categories)

their's the stuff you can't change: for example your family, if they were horrible and abusive, or nice and kind and braught you up properly, that part's out of your control- and the former can really be hard (I had abusive parents)

another thing you can't change is your mental health diagnoses

if you have bipolar, BPD, what ever, that's something else out of your control

but then their's everything else which falls under the category of.. well I've reached this age, I can make my own decisions, I can paint this life like a blank canvas. what I want to go on it will go on it

yes things are hard and yes people will try and tell you how to live your life, but what I'm saying (rather long windidly), is how do you want to live your life. what have you got painted on that canvas that matters, and what more do you think you need?

dying and ending your life is like throwing away artwork. you just can never alter it once it's gone.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 08:24 PM
  #6
Hello Peter. From what I've read, it sounds like you're going through a rough time. I've also been through a lot of things that actually drove me to suicidal ideation twice now. I have so many mental health issues that I sometimes wonder how much more can there be? but life is about the little victories and learning to accept the bad takes a lot of effort and the fact that you reached out is something you should be very proud of. I takes a lot to reach out and get help. And I am proud if nothing else
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 06:58 AM
  #7
Hi Peter

You have been through so much. Many of us understand the emotions you are experiencing here.

I am learning to accept myself as I am. There is too much pressure in society to be a person that is who others want us to be.

It's good you have a reason not to leave this planet. I am sure there would be unbearable pain to your family if they were to lose you especially after losing your brother.

CPTSD is trauma based and not your fault. Your are worthy in your own right.

I wonder if any of these tips can offer any solace. They take practice and are not a cure but offer support and relief when you are facing dark days.

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Take lots of care of yourself
Sending respect and compassion to you
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 07:21 AM
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:38 PM
  #9
I understand what you are saying. I don't think anyone wants to commit suicide, but sometimes it's hard not to wonder what's the point. I get it.
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