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Haaum
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #1
Hello...

Today is one of those days. **** after **** piling up inside my head.

Its probably gonna be a long post.

I am not on antidepreassant nor seing a therapist right now.

I feel so extremely worthless and that no one cares about me. Nor anyone will ever love me. I am 27 year old guy btw

In my childhood things were OK (I think) uptil I was around 12 and my parents had huge drinking problems. I was frequently taken out of my home by social services but got to return. In the house it was always covered over. I did everything I couls to not let anyone know that my parents has such problems.

I was never physically abused. But it was an extremely bad situation at home. My mom has deep mental issues as well. It was extremely unstable and on the verge of being real unsafe.

So. I moved out when I was 18. Needless to say I had no girlfriend or no one except my friends.
I tried getting a gf at age of 17 but pretty much ****ed that up and she left for someone else.

It was a strange situation with my parents. They were such horrible people when drunk but the kindest ever when sober. I tried helping them but 3 years ago my father drank himself to death and I sit with a horrible feeling still of not being there enough.

Anyways. From age of 20-25 involved a lot of working and casual drunken hookups but never led to anything. I so desperatly feel the need of getting close to someone but I somehow **** it up or push them away even when I dont want to push them.

I tried dating a new girl last summer. This is the best friend of my bestfriends girlfriend. We dated for 4 months. I was getting real attracted and attached and of course she ran away with someone else. I was completely shattered. Yet again someone runs away.

I started dating again a new girl in april. Two dates in she says she still is hooked onto her past and dont want to date. Fair enough but still left me feeling like ****.

Now I am sitting here alone again just watching tv and dont feel like I have anything. My head is boiling yet feels so empty.

I am just so tired. So extremely tired of being abandomed and left to fend for myself like I have all my life.

Still I have not completely given up yet.

Funny thing is that I am a fairly succesfull guy.

My economy is fairly ok. I have education. I own my own house (actually I bought my parents house when my father died.)
I have full time job, I have hobbies and I work out every morning and I have lots of friends.

I just wish I could have someone I could get close to. Who could love me for me. I am not saying I am looking for a gf to fix me or my problems but I get extremely lonely never having someone to talk to. I have no one left in my family except my 1 sister. My two uncles who I connected with are dead. All grandparents dead. I had a cousin eho was like "a second father" to me who I could open up to died 4 months ago in an accident.

Sorry I am just rambling on here but what actually caused this was that I was with a friend today helping him and he said that they were having a couples party thing later with that girl I used to date and her new bf. He said I could come but what the hell am I supposed to do there. Sit there like this lonely hopeless guy getting drunk watching them making out?

This just made me angry and sad and I had problems coping with all them heavy feelings of worthlesness and loneliness coming back up so I thought Id unwind here.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Hide the Sky
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 09:35 AM
  #2
Wow Haaum. I have the same problem. I always feel pretty worthless when I "fail" at the girlfriend/relationship thing. The thing is, it's not my fault. It's not YOUR fault. It's so easy to blame ourselves and feel like we didn't do enough to make it work, but the truth is we did all we could. I get in this head space where I feel so abandoned that I push people I care about away. It does make having a girlfriend that much harder when I get hurt so easily. So, I don't know if it makes you feel any better to know that you're not alone, but believe I understand.
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 09:50 AM
  #3
Hi. Thanks for the kind words. Its so easy to think that I am the only person feeling like this..

I know its not always my fault, but somehow it has do do with me. Ive seen friends getting girlfriends easy as pie abd everytime I try getting close I get burnt.

Dont have to be gf either. When I try open up to someone I get stabbed in the back somehow.

It is so strange. I have had about maybe 5 girls who ran away from me and a few girls who actually seemed eager and interested and avaiable who I didnt act on because god knows what stupid reason I had so they eventually gave up.

I think I am sabotating myself.
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 10:30 AM
  #4
I'm so sorry Life is being so hard to you, @Haaum Like @Hide the Sky has already wisely said better than I ever could, it is NOT your fault. Still, I understand that things are being rather hard for you right now. Please hang in there and NEVER give up hope! I'm sure good things will come to you. I'm REALLY HAPPY that your economical situation is good at least. Can I ask you the reason why you're not seeing a therapist? You don't have to reply of course! Just asking you that since I feel like that may REALLY help you given what you've been through. I respect your decision either way. Please stay safe and do NOT give up. You're not alone. Trust me when I say that. Hang in there, my dear, sweet friend! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Haaum, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Accept you and Love you for who you TRULY are! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 10:34 AM
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 12:00 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry Life is being so hard to you, @Haaum Like @Hide the Sky has already wisely said better than I ever could, it is NOT your fault. Still, I understand that things are being rather hard for you right now. Please hang in there and NEVER give up hope! I'm sure good things will come to you. I'm REALLY HAPPY that your economical situation is good at least. Can I ask you the reason why you're not seeing a therapist? You don't have to reply of course! Just asking you that since I feel like that may REALLY help you given what you've been through. I respect your decision either way. Please stay safe and do NOT give up. You're not alone. Trust me when I say that. Hang in there, my dear, sweet friend! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Haaum, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Accept you and Love you for who you TRULY are! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!


Hi! Thank you but its not just now, I feel Ive never had a break all my life. I envy people who can actually take a day and relax and not about anything. With family situations etc theres never room for me to think about me and my needs.

I have tried therapy last year for 4 months.. Didnt seem to help.. I dont feel like going into therapy. First of all I have to consult it with work which is emberassing. I feel like such a weak guy for going and sit and moan to some guy who I dont think ever would understand.. I have lots of trust issues as well and like to keep things to myself because every other time Ive open up to someone it has come back to bite me somehow.

Thats also the reason Id like post on a forum than open up to my friends.

I found the "only way to keep a secret between two persons is if the other person is dead" to be very true in my life..

I do appriciate your kind words and they help!
I try not giving up. Took a ride in my car but didnt help. I just got angry and went home.

But today is just a real **** day. Especially when even more people are texting me now to go to this get-together tonight but I have no intention of going there when this ex girl is there.. Its just gonna break myself down even more.. Just sucks so much.
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Smile Jul 20, 2019 at 04:18 PM
  #7
Hello Haaum: Thanks for sharing your concern. I see you're a 5 year member. However it appears this is your first post here on PC. Glad you decided to dive into the pond!

Perhaps you're already familiar with the articles in Psych Central's archives. However, just in case not, here's a link to DocJohn's article on the subject of loneliness plus links to 3 articles on the subject of finding one's soulmate:

Loneliness | Psych Central

8 Ways to Find Yourself Before Looking for Your Soulmate

Soulmates and Unconditional Love

How to Make a Soul Mate Relationship

I hope you find being active here on PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 02:00 PM
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 04:09 PM
  #9
Sending hugs to you Haaum
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 12:54 AM
  #10
I'm a woman, I can identify with what you said. Life is hard, but I have found that substances don't help, nor do certain behaviors. I'm not saying that is an issue for you but it could lead to feeling worse then you feel now. I'm 31, no boys in sight, and no friends. I'm very busy going to grad school and feel inadequate sometimes. But I have found that taking good care of my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health helps. Especially spiritual and physical. I hope turning to Meditation Lonely, depressed, worthless, no one cares. may help you. There are several YouTube videos that are good. Just type in meditation, or guided meditation, or guided visualizations.

You are one up in me. I live with my parents. And no prospect of moving out in the next 2 years.
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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 08:53 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Haaum View Post
Hi. Thanks for the kind words. Its so easy to think that I am the only person feeling like this..

I know its not always my fault, but somehow it has do do with me. Ive seen friends getting girlfriends easy as pie abd everytime I try getting close I get burnt.

Dont have to be gf either. When I try open up to someone I get stabbed in the back somehow.

It is so strange. I have had about maybe 5 girls who ran away from me and a few girls who actually seemed eager and interested and avaiable who I didnt act on because god knows what stupid reason I had so they eventually gave up.

I think I am sabotating myself.
I swear to God Haaum, I'm having the exact same problem. I have MAJOR trust issues and that definitely gets me locked in my head imagining all these scenarios and sabotaging myself. But I'm starting to delve into it with my therapist, but it's been a LONG road. IF you do decide to try therapy again, it's extremely important to find the right one. One you feel comfortable talking to and one you can trust and that's not always easy to find. If not, feel free to vent to any of us any time. It's also very important to have a good support system and that's pretty much why we're all here.
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