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Chocopiano27
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Indonesia
Posts: 92
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 05:27 AM
  #1
I often feel left out and rejected, even though in reality people are actually looking for me. They contact me and ask me what's wrong, and yes there are lots of them.
But I always feel like I can never fit in, yet they want me to. It's frightening for me to be in a crowd (sometimes I even get panic attacks), but I have no trouble in meeting 'new' ones. At this point, people would see me as very extroverted and outgoing, very cheerful and lively to be with. And yes I'm all about parties and concerts.

Yet I tend to get away when things get too personal, and I freeze and freak out whenever there's a goodbye session, but I'm unable to express or be chill about it. I end up being quite cold and my friends seem to have a hard time figuring me out. I'm a very open book person when I'm happy I'm 'that' cheerful when I'm not in a good mood.. You get the point.

I really hate that I always try to run away. At the same time, I have a tendency to talk about things that I consider too private because I just want to get close to others. And then I felt guilty for it and I felt depressed alone when I enter my room. It becomes a cycle.

And I don't really think I have any boundary issues because I have a 3 year LDR boyfriend that I usually share all my thoughts with and I'm comfortable doing that. My panic only applies to those 'rather close, but yet not that close' friends. And it makes me feel very lonely, very.. very lonely and guilty.

What is really wrong with me? I'm really tired of my own guilt and shame that I even think about suicide several times. This is driving me insane
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 11:54 PM
  #2
It sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder. If you contemplate suicide then you should see a psychiatrist, if one is available in your country. You may have a medical condition which could require medication, but not self-medication. That's a very dangerous road to go down.
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