Sometimes I feel like I'm already gone, but... (long post, sorry)

Hello everyone,
I apologise in advance for any grammar mistake :/ I'm not a native speaker

Although the title may appear really negative, I would like to share some "neutral" thoughts about my experience with depression, isolation and other disorders :/

I'm a woman in her early thirties, I've been struggling with major depression since the age of 16

Looking back, one problem was that I felt lost in life and always behind, always not enough, insecure
This mainly applied to career orientation and so it was quite a serious problem that I should have fixed in time. But... when you're young you cannot know, people are often so judgemental and almost cruel to themselves
I had lots of interests but no direction also because I was feeling alone inside, I needed to feel loved I guess, but didn't know well my own emotions

I love my family (even if I had troubles with my father, to the point that I seriously couldn't stand him anymore), they taught me all the basics, but also lacked in some educational aspects
They are problematic themselves, so til a certain time in my life I haven't felt safe anywhere. I had friends but I was always missing something deeper
A common problem

So here is one point: I didn't know that I wasn't a failure, that it wasn't too late, that I could think positive and calm down... and try to comfort myself
Being young sometimes it's really hard, there's too much fear for the future and it takes a little courage to try to be more relaxed and control the situation
But it's possible
Music helped me a lot in some moments also good people and inspiring actions
Maybe it's about trying to take care of things and explore little by little

I didn't manage myself good, anyway; and ended up being unemployed in my late twenties
Depression was back also because I was experiencing feelings of loss and grief, existential crisis
I've been isolated for a very long time and even unable to look for therapy or medications
My life fell apart
4 years after, I'm here saying "Oh, but it was easier than I thought. I could have managed that". But i'm making it too easy. It's easy to regret
Back then I just couldn't

Also, this year in spring(for a mix of factors*) I had a brief but intense obsessive psychotic disorder episode ._. as it is described
*depression in winter, a dysfuncional relationship , isolation, I guess
It really took me down again while i was trying to swim up to reach the surface again, to fix my life a bit and trying to go in
I don't know if anyone here has ever experienced a brief psychotic episode (hopefully not) It's so uncomfortable. It happens that you somehow lose control but come back to a normal state after a about a month (more or less)
It's strange and also quite rare, I think

I'm mostly ok now but have been embarassing in some relationship in ways that now i cannot believe
I lost some people because I behaved strangely and they were literally scared and confused
Now I feel quite humiliated and sad
It's something that I could never believe was going to happen to me, I didn't even know something like this could happen to someone
I'm having psychoterapy sessions and it helps

At 31 there's a part of me that feels like it is over. I'm just tired and find comfort in sleep and the idea of disappering.guilty
The other part just realized how much my perspective can change when I feel hopeful about the human kind
If we just tried to be kinder and correct to each other, to respect the Earth, we could seriously have a richer life experience
I think communication between people is quite important
The world has a bad side, there's a lot of chaos, there are still violence, abuse... we damaged the planet
To educate ourself to be respectful can be somehow motivating I think
I don't know, these thoughts helps me fighting depression, giving a sense to things, taking care

Just some considerations, again

Thank you for sharing these wise, thoughtful thoughts, @Gasplessy! Please DO keep posting! YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WISE, YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL! Sending many safe, warm hugs to You, @Gasplessy, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

Thank you MickeyCheeky

It's a rollercoaster, but I know that it's possible to be ok and a little bit more in control

But regarding me, specifically, I feel I really ruined my life and people around me

It's so hard because sometimes i feel really ready to go, to disappear, closing my eyes hoping that the world will be ok
But I can't abandon my family now, it's cruel

I wish I could rewind to 2016 or at least to the beginning of 2019

I made a lot of damage in the last two years while I was depressed and unemployed, i really went down and screwed everything

I lost people and can't communicate with them anymore. The doors closed while I was having that psychotic episode... such a strange experience for me, but I don't even know how they feel now One person in particular, I hope he's happy
He run away but didn't know me enough, I scared him behaving a bit strangely and couldn't explain who I am without depression... just a person with her own life experience

Maybe I could have been a good friend to him and I just hope he will find soon comfort and good people
I wish someone could listen to my prayers

But mostly feel sad and humiliated/humiliating

I'm so sorry