cloud of darkness overshadowing happiness

I have been quite active this summer and have found great enjoyment in things that I am passionate about. The most significant is my being outdoors a great deal. I have been camping now seven times this summer with another four day stint coming up this weekend.

I have been genuinely happy - but not overjoyed. There has been a constant black cloud hovering overhead threatening to rain on this parade. Some of it has touched down here and there marring what would otherwise have been an amazing summer. So, while overall the summer has been positive I just haven't allowed myself to feel as though it was a lasting joyfulness. Always in the back of my mind has been the sense that the balloon is going to pop. I feel then that one foot is stuck in the mire holding me back a little.

My husband is conscious of this, asking what is wrong and what can he do to right it or at least ease the depression that is encroaching upon me. "Are you happy?" he asks and I really don't know how to answer other than a "Yes, but... I don't know."

There have been some solid events I can point to that have rained on my parade.

I mentioned elsewhere earlier that a white supremacist has begun attending my support group. I can't bring myself to attend again and I feel anger obviously but also great sadness as I will miss it greatly.

I encountered a major trigger to my PTSD in the appearance and behaviour of a neighbouring camper on one of my treks.

I enjoyed being active but was greatly saddened by the knowledge I wasn't the person I used to be and didn't live the life I used to either. This was very depressing. It depressed me further that I was allowing myself to be depressed by this.

More recently, I had another trigger. I read an article about an individual being harrassed in the military and nothing being done about it. It was essentially talking about the Old Boys Club preventing action. I wanted to be sick. Even sicker when I scrolled down to see a photo in the article of one of my very perpetrators. Ugh. How do I enjoy my day after seeing that? How do I unsee that? I haven't been able to.

So yeah, I know it sounds really weird and strange but despite the smile, I feel the weight of darkness on my back and feel as though it won't take much to break it.

I feel so very fragile.

You live in CANADA. Not the US. We need the rest of the sane and civilized world to stay strong for the half of us. Please!