Depressed due to turning 30 and still being single and a virgin

A 2-tier economy is becoming standard; it isn't at all unique to your area. The middle class has been shrinking for a long time and even the working class seems to be closing off. Moving up is a thing of the past. It takes everything we've got just to maintain a precarious hold on what little we have.

Gender conflicts among rigidly cicgendered people, both within and between their polarized groupings, is also not unique and something that both bores and annoys me. I dream of a post-gender society. And also one without the concept of money. What you're descirbing is classic gentrification, though at a much higher scale than in most areas. And you're right, Social Darwinism plays a huge underlying role in defense of the practice.

The DSM5 changed it to autism spectrum disorder for a reason. There are no clear tiers, it's a wide range of overlapping traits that aren't at the same level for everyone. One person on the spectrum might have no trouble with humor or sarcasm but have ultra-high sensory sensitivities. Another might be almost nonverbal but handle change almost as well as an NT. It sounds like it's the nonverbal stuff you have trouble with if languages come with relative ease if you put effort but have no success with NT communication. People judge a lot more harshly on facial expression, tone, and body language than the words you speak. Writing frees people of those constraints.

True, both in Britain and USA, as well as Canada and various European countries, the working class are being relegated to a status where no one really addresses concerns. Monied interests just care about maintaining the status quo and power. The only places where the working class have power are in the Scandinavian countries like Norway and Finland.

I often get berated for being very left-wing economically. I also believe in a society without money, without social and economic classes. A lot of my economic philosophy is based on the anarcho-communist government of Barcelona and Catalonia in general in the 1930s. No money, no classes, everyone equal. Close to no one whom I have met knows what I am talking about here. And if I explain it, you can imagine why people making six figures or millions hate me. And my trying to date women who make six figures or millions--which I have tried before because I had not known about their income levels before--quite clearly never works out.

At meetups, often you encounter people who are unbelieveably proud that they work for a big tech company like Facebook or Google--indeed, walking Downtown you see all of the headquarters for tech companies like Google, Uber, Twitter, Facebook, Lyft, Dropbox, etc--but often you will see how they often find themselves to be better than others. A few acquaintances told me, "Some guy asked what I did. I said I do sales. He said that he is a coder at Google. Then he basically brushed me off as a nobody." and similar comments. In addition to discrimination based on class, there is also a discrimination based on profession. Non-tech people are of a lower social stratum compared to tech people. Finance people get a pass, as well as high professions like doctors and lawyers. But anyone less than that is relegated to the second (or third) division. People like me.

I think that Social Darwinism is particularly popular in San Francisco due to the IT sector. I have met countless people in data or IT who basically treat people like data points. In other words, they treat people as numbers--as entities that have no feelings or worth as human beings. So the attitude of displacing working class people from their homes is nothing to them. They think of it as, "Well, if we shift 100000 poor ones out, we can get 100000 rich IT ones (one of us) in the city." People are just a number to them. Likewise, I am a "number" and they consider me as less than they are because, also due to numbers, I earn less, I have less wealth by number, less cars, less space in my home (sq.ft. or m2) than they do, I have a lower number of friends than they do, a lower number of girlfriends than they have had, a lower number of sex experiences than they have had--the list goes on.

It took me a long time, probably just until October, to realise that I was living in some sort of dystopia where I was not the only one being treated like this. I notice that I am also not the one with low self-esteem. I have met a lot of male acquaintances at meetups who had told me that they also had some self-esteem issues based on how they get treated, both in dating and in social gatherings. Probably not as bad as my case, because they do sometimes have success, but there is a general sentiment.

But thanks for telling me about my self-esteem. I am very dense when it comes to interpreting things. I am basically of the nature, "If I am not told, I never know". So when people hint things at me, I often do not even sense it in the first place. Yet people think that I am purposely ignoring their subtle hints. I have to be told extremely explicitly to the point that it is blatantly obvious.

We often have differing traits no matter having ASD, true. Everyone has a little bit of a better understanding on how to do A, and another person maybe B. I have a poor, almost non-existent, sense of humour. This probably puts off many women here, since I have heard many times that sense of humour is important in a guy, in addition to physical looks, sexual history, income, etc. My sense of humour is quite lacking to the point that I cannot tell when someone is making a joke. My default is to think that someone is always talking literally and seriously. If someone wants to make a joke to me, they must tell me explicitly, "I am only joking" or, "This is a joke", lest I just think that they are speaking factually. This weird quality, in addition to my aversion to smiling or any sort of body language, probably contributes as well to my being considered "unattractive" in dating.

I think I might be on the spectrum too, as I have a lot of trouble recognizing humor, especially sarcasm. I wish people would just say what they mean, but it doesn't work that way unfortunately.

Hi
Your posts and struggles are written for me because I am the mirror reflection of you. The only difference is I am a female. I struggle with society anxiety and loneliness and could not hold up a conversation as well. I am extremely lonely, so you are not alone. We are all living in an 'ugly' world and it is really hard sometimes when all your pains consumed you all at once. But I chose to believe there are still genuine, nice and kind people around us. After reading all your posts, I want to tell you that you are a compassionate and beautiful soul, virgin or not and not forgetting that you are very intelligent too. I wish I have a friend like you.

People who think they have something to lose in a society that's more egalitarian need to really think about their privileges. Yet so many will get offended or even angry if you point out their vast privilege. Stratification is certainly nothing new--it's as old as civilization itself--but as wealth gets concentrated into fewer and fewer hands, so does power.

Placing human lives at the level of a collection of numbers is ubiquitous; that isn't your area alone. Some people even call that being objective.

Just scroll through these forums and you'll see how ubiquitous certain issues are. Low self-esteem, loneliness, social isolation, lack of meaning or purpose in our lives, growing inequality, fear of a future that almost guarantees global war/climate change/treatment-resistant pandemic, and a sense of powerlessness and futility. All over the world people are bitterly, even violently divided. People turn to substances, extremism of religion or politics, hate groups, or cults, all to gain what's missing and try to gain control. My chosen candidate is the only one speaking of a crisis of belonging that underlies so much of what's going on in the world, and he's 100% right.

It isn't just you or your ASD that made you think you were the only one suffering form self-esteem issues and trauma from so many negative social interactions. Reading through the forums, any of them, and you'll see that EVERYBODY ends up thinking this way. The self-compassion exercises I found on here have helped me restructure this in my mind to it being part of the shared human experience. Thinking of it this way makes it impossible for pain to feel isolating.

Please don't insult yourself by calling yourself dense. You already get too many insults from other people; don't do it to yourself too or you'll never heal. Everybody on the spectrum needs clearer instruction when it comes to social stuff. Hints and vague implications won't get through, and that isn't your fault. You can't beat yourself up for having a brain that's structured differently.

Literal interpretation of words is gold-standard ASD, especially for males. That's one reason I think I'm subclinical rather than fully on the spectrum; I tend to interpret the figurative before the literal and I enjoy humor, so long as it's clever, and I love subtle plays on words (but no silly puns). I never had issue understanding sarcasm or making eye contact. Actually, I find it hard not to make eye contact, and in some areas making accidental eye contact with somebody is considered a hostile act and I've had some uncomfortable experiences as a result. This quality in you is not weird in the context of ASD. Please pay careful attention in how you speak to yourself. I did this too and once I stopped, I was amazed at how much better I felt. Please check out the self-compassion website if you have not done so.
Self-Compassion
Body language and facial expression are hard for most people on the spectrum, and something I have struggled with too, both understanding it myself and others. Watching some TED talks on it, and skilled actors like Natalie Portman and Eddie Redmayne, have helped me to understand it a little better.

Do you have any clinicians near where you live who do testing for adults? If that's something you're interested in perusing of course.

It is clear that those who make six figures and millions whom I meet deeply despise people like me, and they absolutely do find it offensive when I make a point that they are not better or worse than anyone else just for their money, nor am I better or worse than anyone else. But their argument is always the same--they are some special "innovative" genius who deserves tax write-offs and to treat poorer people (like me) like scum. That guy is a rocket scientist who is probably a millionaire. I tell him, so what. I have three STEM degrees: one in biology, one in mathematics and one in chemical engineering, and plan to get another one in medicine. There is no logical reason that he is a "better", smarter or more "worthy" person than I am just because he has more money. Yet they will tell me, well I hate when my income goes to poor people. Too bad, suck it up, I would tell them. Crying about paying more in taxes to benefit the "peasants" is hardly cause for me to feel sympathy for them in this case. This might be another big reason why I have huge difficulties getting along with people here--a working class person mingling amongst people who brag about their money and profession and wear designer dresses and three-piece suits on a Sunday afternoon is probably not going to see eye-to-eye.

I like the slogan, "Not me, us." I think that sums up a lot of my philosophy as well. However, most people whom I meet think, "Not you, me." It really is the polar opposite of what I believe. "Me, me, me" and "***** the rest" is a very pervasive attitude here, amongst all ages. People really like money and status. Status can be in every single characteristic. Just like how being a person who has had multiple relationships and sex has "high status", someone like me, a virgin at 30, is said to have "low status". It is just an arbitrary game. It is a pity that it took me so many years to figure this out. But better late than never.

I also get lambasted for wearing his campaign shirt. I get called all sorts of names and often verbal arguments. They say that I make them pay taxes for lesser people like myself.

I think that I never realised that a lot of other people could be feeling the same thing about self-esteem. Where I am it seems like the vast majority of people have a lot of self-esteem, perhaps even too much since a lot of people are ruthlessly arrogant and self-absorbed. Their self-esteem is so excessive that they think that they are godlike and are better than everyone else for no logical reason.

You are probably right. I am very self-depreciating. I probably take humility too far and put myself down instead. I subconsciously insult myself, sometimes I barely notice it. Thanks for the self-compassion link.

I do notice that people here lack empathy. I know that the generalisations of ASD is a lack of empathy; however I have met so many neurotypicals who blatantly like an iota of empathy. They "other" people on a regular basis, if someone for example has no health insurance or has a bad health insurance plan like I do, then they just say, "So what? I can afford. ***** those who cannot." I do notice that online some people who moved to San Francisco have written that empathy for your fellow human is very much lacking in many here in this city. It is not without reason that my parents both say that this city is no longer the city that they once knew when they were younger decades ago.

Looking back now, I think that all of the women whom I have tried going on a date with were lacking a lot of empathy. If I revealed something that were not in the mainstream, e.g. not only the virginity and being single, but also in terms of my world views, my hobbies, etc., they do not understand me or even think that perhaps that I am just different but equal like everyone else--they usually think or tell me explicitly that I am a weirdo and a reject. So I think that I just happened to meet ones who did not respect me not only as a date, but also just as a human being.

I think that the ASD brings out a test in people. When I went on dates, I noticed that ASD, in their minds, is a big sign of weirdness. So I got cast as a weirdo just for that. Anyone who is not extroverted, talkative, gregarious, flails their hands and arms around whilst talking and is really animated like the super neurotypicals whom you see at nightclubs and on reality TV, that the person is just too weird. A pity that I have never had a date that were not like this. But at least now I know to find out first if the woman has basic empathy before agreeing to go out with her.

It's also important to remember that not every person with money is an asshole, and not everyone who doesn't is noble. That's one of the themes Victor Hugo explores so beautifully in Les Miserables. You're in a toxic environment and a narcissist is of course going to think that they earned all their privileges and that anyone who has less is less. Narcissists are only capable of thinking in terms of a rigid hierarchy of value. Do some research on malignant narcissism and you'll see the behavior of the people you've endured in a new context.


Go ahead and wear the campaign T-shirt whether they like it or not. You'll win the respect of fellow supporters and might even bring undecided voters on board.

We live in a culture that demands that people mask our pain and fake confidence even when we don't feel it. Inevitably, when we do feel pain or worthlessness or anything else, we falsely believe we're the only ones int he world feeling that way. That sense of isolation is as damaging as it is untrue. It wasn't until I came to this forum that I really understood just how common that is.

It's essential to understand the difference between cognitive and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy means understanding, for example, the cause-and-effect relationship between an event happening and a person's emotional response to it. There's a lot more to it, of course, and there's plenty of info out there about it. Emotional empathy is really feeling it when you see how someone else feels, like getting upset when you see someone else crying. A sociopath or narcissist has cognitive empathy, but no emotional empathy; this allows them the knowledge of how to exploit other people without feeling any remorse for the pain they cause. A person on the spectrum or with ADHD can feel another person's pain, they just can't always understand the why and how. In addition, the issue might be with having trouble reading a person's facial expression and body language, or not picking up on subtle hints. NTs might misinterpret this as a lack of empathy when it's just a communication glitch, which is probably where the nonsense got started that people n the spectrum lack empathy. My experience, with myself (though probably subclinical) and others who were definitely on the spectrum (diagnosed or not) is that the emotional empathy level is far higher than the general population, once they have the understanding of what's happening.

Absolutely make sure a date is capable of empathy. This is an issue I've faced too and have had so many bad relationships and friendships with narcissists, including with a sibling. My semi-stalker ex is, I'm quite sure, borderline personality disorder. Going back to the mention of Les Mis, I've thought for a long time that early on I'll have the person watch the musical version with me. Anyone who can make it through the whole thing without a box of tissues nearby isn't capable of feeling pain on behalf of anybody else's suffering, and is not BF or GF material, or friend material for that matter.

True, I can see the narcissism in people. I think that the problem is that I meet quite similar types of people, although they are not homogenous at all. But in attitude and profession, they are quite homogenous. Often in tech, and if not tech, in something lucrative such as high finance or real estate. I think that since this type of narcissism and classism is encouraged since high-class restaurants are now opening in newly gentrified parts of the cities, kicking out poor people in the process, that the narcissistic rich people tend to really flaunt it. They are so proud of paying $20+ for a glass of Napa Valley or Sonoma Valley wine. For reference, Napa and Sonoma are only about 40 miles north of San Francisco. We are not even talking about imported French or Italian wines. There are not even any import taxes since these wines are domestic. Things are just overpriced, and it feeds into people's narcissism.

I am definitely wearing my campaign shirts. I just did today. Sometimes people give me dirty looks, but on occasion, some people say, "Hey, I like your shirt". It is a kind of "test" of my self-confidence. I feel more comfortable putting myself in situations where people insult me for being me. I guess that it is part of having self-confidence; these things will just happen.

I did not know that there were different classifications of empathy. I would have to read up on it. But I think that I kind of get it. Those vile people who enjoy making themselves look better than everyone are using cognitive empathy, twisting it to make those whom they dislike really feel bad about themselves. But I do understand what you mean about someone on the spectrum not really converting their empathy into what NTs do, that is making themselves publicly display as understanding the situation. I think that sometimes I do this by mistake. I do feel empathy, but my brain just messes up, and people think that I am acting "cold" or aloof. When what is happening is that I just cannot convert this feeling into showing publicly that I feel bad for whatever they are going through.

I think that before, I just did not know how to screen a possible date. I just did not know at all how to know if a date were suitable or not. Which probably explains why I ended up going on dates with extremely extroverted, talkative, gregarious women with top-notch social skills plus social graces that could easily land them a job as an actress for sitcoms or reality TV. I could not match even 10% of the amount of social grace (i.e. the opposite of social awkwardness) that they had.

Of course, the easiest test they created themselves--when they asked me about my sex life. When they made fun of me or made sly comments for being a virgin and/or never having had a girlfriend, that is quite clear that their empathy levels are low, to say the least.

That type of over-payment for a local wine is a variation on the theme of conspicuous waste, something that has plagued humanity since the dawn of civilization. It isn't unique to any economic form, governmental system, or culture. It will take a lot of human evolution to finally move past it.

Kudos to you for wearing your campaign shirt regardless of the reaction! You'll win the respect of good people, even those who support someone else. Those who will trash you for it aren't capable of genuine respect. Hiding yourself only causes damage. Yet another lesson I had to learn the hard way.

There are some good TED talks about the different types of empathy, and lots of books and articles. I don't have any links to posts, but a general search should bring up something for you. By your posts here, it's clear that you have very deep empathy for a wide variety of people despite being treated so badly for most of your life. In case no one tells you this very often, you are awesome, Lundi. You compassion is strongest for the most downtrodden, the very people most of those around you would spit on if they could. Expression your thoughts and feelings is hard for anybody on the spectrum, or with ADD or other neurological differences.

Knowing how to screen dates is something even NTs struggle with, and many never master it. People who have very good social skills don't judge those who don't; they're patient and kind. The ones you met only pretended to have skills, the "fake-it-'til-you-make-it" mentality. I'm still working on learning to distinguish an act from the genuine article. My own Aspie-ish tendencies make me too inclined to take people at their word. I'm learning to hold back and see if their actions, and how they interact with others, actually match what they say.

Genuine social skills are based on empathy, both cognitive and emotional. Those who use cognitive empathy as a weapon because they lack emotional empathy are fakers, and are likely either narcissists or psychopaths (and of course narcissism is an essential part of psychopathy). It sounds like you fell into a hornet's nest of them.

I just came back from a meetup. I mostly went to see my acquaintance and talk with him about life and stuff. Again I saw the wine prices of $12-$13 for domestic Sonoma Valley wine. And these were happy hour prices.

I hate seeing people suffer, especially the poor and weak. Not weak as in they are of lower class, I mean weak as in they have hardships and other problems which leads them to end up in unfortunate situations. I always thought that if one treats others with dignity and compassion, that that dignity and compassion would be shown returned onto that person. Somehow it looks like that is not true. But I do have a lot trouble expressing my thoughts. I cannot express them succintly in words in most cases, but I can express them only if there existed some brain-to-brain telepathy. Obviously that is not possible.

I almost never can understand what people are thinking. I often have no clue. I can only make the most educated guess that I can based on what I see as evidence. But this is so faulty that my best guesses are often so fallacious that I am close to useless in nonverbal communication. I need things to be spelt out to the letter, so literal and blatantly obvious that even a blind and/or deaf person can understand it. Of course, one of the hardest and most important aspects of nonverbal communication that I simply cannot comprehend is trying to tell if a woman likes me or not. I simply cannot understand any hints or any type of nonverbal stuff in that area. It is terrible frustrating for me.

Things are not going so well. Since Christmas, which I spent completely alone, I very rapidly fell into a downward spiral of a deep depressive state. On New Year's Eve/New Year's Day, I thought about how I spent the entire decade of 2010-2019 without even so much as having kissed a woman. My self-hatred returned quickly, and everyday has been hell. I feel not only the sick feeling in my stomach, but also my blood pressure is constantly high from the stress of thinking about this over and over. I feel not only extreme humiliation and self-hatred of this entire single/virgin thing, but also shame as a human being that I seem to be going into the low percentages of people who are in my situation. Like for example only 2% of men are virgins at age 30 in the UK according to reports. Here in USA it probably is similar. I feel like an outcast. I keep seeing couples and stuff, and when I had to attend some family gathering near the New Year, my relatives tell me how their 13 year old son or whatever has a girlfriend already. They ask why I always attend and never have a girlfriend or wife. What is wrong with. Etcetera.

I think that this is definitely the worst that I have felt since age 25 when I lost a third of my body weight due to falling deep into a hole of depression. And from the exact same issue, this single/virgin thing. Except now, I am older. I just feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in this area. I am 30, but am in the exact same position that I was at age 25.

I hate to say this, but as I was diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26, partly due to poor family history of heart disease, yet mostly due to severe psychological stress, and am technically at risk of having a heart attack, if I had a massive heart attack or sudden cardiac arrest in my sleep and died as a result, I feel like it would not bother me.

I assured you that if anyone ever been shamed for being a virgin it was me because my oldest sister felt that she need to tell my store manager,my assistant manager and all of my coworker that I am a virgin even though I was in my early twenties. But when I look at everyone around me I told myself I happy to be one because everyone around me were all unstable and their relationship weren't great and they were jealous of something that I had.

They say that when you are not looking is when you find someone.

That is really great advice.

That is great advice.

I completely understand how you feel because I have depression, anxiety, social anxiety due to the bullying.

You are a person of deep compassion and strong morality. I may have posted this quote before, but I will do so again: "Genuine goodness is threatening to those on the opposite of the moral spectrum." I forget to whom that quote belongs. You live in a place that scorns compassion and morality as weakness, because it's a vicious scrabble up the bleeding backs of rivals to get ahead in relationships as well as economically. Moral people WILL return compassion and dignity; immoral ones will see it as a sign of weakness or foolishness. I urge everyone to hold fast to their values and live them, no matter what reaction we get from the outside. We can't be complete human beings otherwise.

The difficulty in expression thoughts and feelings is almost ubiquitous for people on the autism spectrum, as well as those on the ADHD spectrum, with social anxiety, and with learning disabilities. Even some others who were just never taught skills, or who grew up with emotional neglect. That covers A LOT of people. I don't say this to minimize anyone's struggles, I only say it to bring a feeling of unity in a shared struggle. I'm still working on self-expression too. Writing is easier for me than speaking. It gives mea much better platform to organize my thoughts in a way that's comprehensible to others. I've also had struggles understanding nonverbal communication. Watching the work of highly skilled actors has helped me in this.


I'm so sorry Christmas and New Year's were such rough times for you. I 100% understand the loneliness and the downward spirals of self-attack. That's what brought me to PC in the first place, and I'm sure most everyone else here too. The self-compassion exercises have broken this cycle for me and I again urge everyone to work through them. The OCD worksheets might also be helpful. Please keep in mind that you are not fundamentally flawed, and your situation is NOT hopeless. I don't wish to be intrusive, but sometimes you have to remove yourself from toxic situations and people if it's bringing you to this place. Even if the removal is temporary, you need that time away to recover. If you have a wound on your arm and someone continually pokes at it, you have to pull it away. The same is true for our emotional and psychological wounds.

Please reach out to someone quickly. Is your mom supportive and understanding of your situation? Is there any affordable mental health care where you live? This is very serious and I'm concerned about you.

This TED talk on emotional first aid was helpful to me and may be to others.

YouTube

I wish a safe and healthy new year to everyone!

Thanks for the kind words. I just feel like the quote by the Beatles song "The End", The love you take is equal to the love you make is not really pertinent. Maybe I just need hard evidence to see it, since I am so results-based and science-based. It is hard to keep reminded myself that the sample bias of this place is very different to what I would find elsewhere. My mother believes in karma despite being irreligious, and it seems like karma is that whatever one does good is never repayed as goodness. It seems that goodness just vanished into thin air.

For that reason, I was contemplating doing some temporary work thing in a place like Finland or Sweden before studying, just to have a quick change of atmosphere. Italian bureaucracy to get paperwork done and certified will take a while, so I probably cannot study until at least next year.

Sometimes I feel like the only way to express how I feel is through telepathy, because with words I would just stutter and pause and it would just come out wrong if I tried to say it orally. What I am writing here, I pause every few seconds to think and look it over. In speaking, I cannot do this, so I know what you mean.

Both Christmas and New Years I went to Japantown alone, and felt like I were seeing couples all over the place. I just feel like I am at the same stuck position that I was when I was in my 20s. Everyone else is progressing past me. Male relatives who are younger than half my age have girlfriends. This so frustrating. It is like Einstein's adage about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is insanity. But what is doing new things and expecting a different result, but still getting the same or worse results? It is like nothing changes.

I usually talk to my mother about stuff. On occasion when she was alive, like when I was 25, my grandmother would come up to talk to me. But this issue that I have eats me up like battery acid on wood.

I have been monitoring my blood pressure because this issue is recently giving me a lot of stress/grief.

As of 01h27, my blood pressure readings in succession were:

1) 161/97
2) 151/84
3) 154/92
4) 144/83
5) 158/91

I already take 10 mg Lisonipril. I have been on blood pressure medication since 2016. This incessant topic is causing me so much hardship. I have lost a lot of interest in my hobbies already. I can barely concentrate on my language books anymore.