Depressed due to turning 30 and still being single and a virgin

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable and unattractive due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello LundiHvalursson: Well... I'm not a woman. So I'm not one of the members you want to hear from here on PC. But I noticed this is your first post & you had yet to receive a reply. So I thought I would at least welcome you to Psych Central.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of soulmates plus 1 on the subject of on-line dating:

8 Ways to Find Yourself Before Looking for Your Soulmate

How to Make a Soul Mate Relationship

Making the Most of Online Dating — Despite the Disadvantages

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I don't think the virgin thing would be that bad but, I think the above might be. Personally I once worked on a project gathering doctors records and you would be shocked, SHOCKED at how many people are virgins -- for just this reason. There is nothing wrong with them their life just went in different directions.

I am watching a tv show (based on a book) about being a teen in the 1970s and I realize now probably why my life was so difficult... because I didn't do what they did, try to socialize in high school. I thought things would unfold for me naturally when I became an adult but if I didn't do the experimenting in high school and college, they didn't. This show btw actually has two girls determined to "get it over with" gosh where was I during these rituals? I was home studying and assumed everyone else was too.

I think being an introvert is kind of seriously difficult for a guy. Especially over a certain age. Most girls do not want to have to be the aggressor so they are waiting for you and, if you don't step up, nothing is going to happen. It makes it even more difficult in the "me too" generation.

I just feel like you need to try harder and devote more time to finding the right girl. If you find the right girl I assure you she won't care. (actually maybe look for an older lady).

No need to worry.Just start now and keep looking.You will find someone.

I am not a woman either so I'm afraid my advice is not going to be really useful to you. But yes, I COMPLETELY agree with what ALL the other WISE and WONDERFUL posters have already WISELY and WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! KEEP FIGHTING! It is certainly not easy to meet other women who may be interested in dating after a certain age, but that doesn't mean that it's imposibble! There are PLENTY of men and women who go on dates in their Forties and Fifties. You're DEFINITELY not alone in this, so please NEVER give up HOPE! I hope you'll find the RIGHT PERSON for you! KEEP LOOKING AND KEEP FIGHTING! Sometimes the RIGHT PERSON IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER when you least expect it! DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP FIGHTING Please NEVER give up Hope! KEEP FIGHTING! Keep looking wherever you can. Dating sites, clubs... ALL of these things! I feel like the BEST starting place may be your own interests and hobbies and perhaps join some Activities and Clubs where you can meet MANY more like-minded people! I am sure you have thought about this already, but PLEASE give it a try if you haven't! KEEP FIGHTING! Please be REALLY kind to yourself! There's NOTHING wrong with you! You just need a little more practice but hopefully things will get easier once you get the ball rolling! DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP FIGHTING! You may also want to consider a Therapist so that He/She will be able to teach you some SOCIAL SKILLS that are certainly FUNDAMENTAL when it comes to dating! I believe there are also PLENTY of books on the subject so please take a look at them if you wish to do so! KEEP FIGHTING! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need Advice And Support or even simply SOMEONE TO TALK TO! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY HELP YOU OUT AS WELL IF YOU JUST ASK FOR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @LundiHvalursson, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do keep fighting and do keep rocking AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN like you're already WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! Please be REALLY kind to yoursel, MY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, KIND, GENEROUS, SWEET, RESOURCEFUL, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMEBR THAT YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WISE AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL BECAUSE THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU AT THE MOMENT! KEEP FIGHTING!

What is it you are doing to meet people?

I am a woman and I find that fact of being a virgin, as a good thing. Sex should be saved for a committed relationship! I made the mistake of letting a guy take advantage of me and have been in and out of recovery from sex and quick relationships! If you can stay away from one night stands, great!! If you need to vent we are so here for that. Don't let it get you down!

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

There is not much opportunity just "naturally" meeting people here, so I attend meetups. One is a Europeans gathering and the others are a foreign language meetup and a general socialising event.

Since my hobbies are very introverted and based on being alone, e.g. chess and foreign languages, I have to attend these meetups to actually meet people.

Are you meeting/going on dates with women your age who are also on the spectrum? You seem to have many qualities that a woman on the spectrum would very much appreciate, however, an NT woman would recognise early on, that you are unlikely to meet many of her relationship needs and wants. I mean no disrespect when I say this, just suggesting that maybe you need to narrow your focus when looking for a mate.

I am not a one-night-stand kind of guy (and by definition I am not, since I am still single/virgin), but also because my personal opinion that is just something meaningless and quick.

Of course the virgin problem is basically coalesced with the single problem. Like the old saying, "It takes two to tango". Being single is not like studying chemistry or physics where I can spend the whole day alone and improve quickly. It takes two to make a couple, and it seems like I get criticised anyway.

From what I hear, other people, both men and women, are telling me that my location being single and a virgin is a big no-no at my age, more than in other locations. So perhaps that might also be a reason why people keep insulting me for being single/virgin.

No offence taken, I understand what you mean.

No, I have never went on a date with a woman who had autism/Asperger's. At least to my knowledge. Where I live is rather strange--a lot of males are on the spectrum, yet most females are neurotypical. To be honest, disregarding dating altogether, I do not remember ever even meeting a woman on the spectrum in this city. Most of the women whom I meet are very neurotypical--outgoing, extroverted, party-goers, talkative, very confident, etc.

Rather the opposite, the women think that my qualities are very negative. Chess, foreign languages--these hobbies are rather introverted. The women whom I have met generally have had negative reactions, and I have received comments about why I am so "alone" instead of going out and, for example, partying or going to dance events. Most of the women with whom I have went out were from meetups.

My last date when I was a teenager was around 17. After that, I basically shut down on dating. Not until I was 26 did I go on my first date in almost 10 years. The woman was Ecuadorian (due to my interest in languages, I had learnt Spanish to around native level) and very extroverted, and could sense that I was awkward. Especially since I was visibly shaking like someone with a nerve problem. It clearly did not work out.

My second date thereafter was when I was 27, with a Venezuelan woman. Again, very extroverted and very outgoing, very talkative. She could visibly see that I was awkward, again. It was a rather chaotic date, because it was in a bar during the 2016 USA presidential election. We tried to go out again a month later. I made plans with her to go to a restaurant and then to a bar that I often frequent. When we met, I am not sure why, but she suddenly made us change plans and go to a hamburger place. I was visibly shocked and confused about the change in plans. I am not sure if it was a joke to throw me off of my plans since I am a very rigid person, because then she said, «¿Qué, te he sacado de tu sarcófago?» which loosely means, "What, am I taking you out of your cave?" referring to the bar to which we were supposed to go, or perhaps the fact that I am introverted. Maybe because of the Asperger's I was completely confused and distraught the entire night about the change in plans. But she also said, «¿Eres una persona que necesita tenerlo todo cronometrado, verdad?», which loosely means "You are a person that needs everything super-organised, no?" then she started laughing. I was not sure if she was laughing at me or what. But I felt quite insulted that night.

My third date was when I was 28, with a super extroverted woman. I mean super extroverted as in she did public speaking and public presentations in front of over a hundred people, something that would cause me extreme anxiety. Clearly it did not work out, and she suddenly told me that she had graduated university in 1991. So she was close to 50. A bit of an age gap.

My fourth date of my 20s was just over a month ago. Again, very extroverted, very outgoing, talkative and very alert to body language. We went to dinner at a restaurant. I got extremely uncomfortable when we were talking about how we went to the same university in the UK, and then she suddenly started talking about how she missed the birth control options at the chemist Boots. She found out that I was single/virgin. Needless to say, it did not work out.

I would definitely prefer meeting a woman who had a personality and interests similar to mine. But where I am, it seems quite difficult. Like I said, in the past few years during all of the meetups that I have attended, not even once have I met a woman who could probably be on the spectrum. Not even a neurotypical woman who had interests similar to mine.

It might be telling that I also have a big problem making male friends as well, because they have very different interests. People in general here seem to like hiking, clubbing, dancing, rowdy bars, etc. If I mention chess or foreign languages, often I get asked, "But why do you spend time with languages?" or "Chess? Is that like cup-stacking?", or "Are chess people crazy like Bobby Fischer?"

Lundi, you are very unlikely to meet the woman most suited at events for extroverts. My husband has Asperger's and his dating, social history is not dissimilar to your's.

I think online, perhaps in communities geared towards people on the spectrum is where you would find a woman who really understands you. A woman who would appreciate your uniqueness, and who would be grateful to find a man who understands her as well.

And, I'm not suggesting that you should only date women on spectrum, or that NT women will never be happy with you. But the extroverted sphere of party-going NTs is not the place for you to find life-long companionship. It's not the place for a lot of folks not on spectrum who are more introverted either.

Either way, introverted women, who enjoy similar things and are looking to date a man who enjoys the same, are likely to be at home online and not at meetups.

ETA: And ask yourself, is this something you even want? You have doggedly pursued your education and interests of chess and foreign languages, no doubt because they mattered to you. Are you really lonely for the companionship of a romantic or sexual relationship? Or is that just how you've been told you should feel? When you are engaged with something that excites you, is your first reaction to think "gosh, I wish I had a girlfriend to share this with?" Or are you quite content to enjoy most things on your own?

There are many successful, happy and productive people who have never had a sexual/romantic relationship and been at peace with that. You don't need to be sexual, you don't need to be in a relationship, there are even NTs who are very happy living lives as single virgins. It happens, and it really is okay. Sure in the superficial world of "we all must be the same" it's not very cool or fashionable, but does the approval and acceptance of these people really matter? Or is this ( a romantic or sexual relationship) truly feel like something you and only you want for yourself?

The dating this I am definitely doing for me. I have received a lot of criticism, but I do a lot of things that get me criticised for not obeying the norm. For example, I have had a very alternative look since around age 17-18. I had hair past my shoulder and John Lennon replica glasses up to age 25. A lot of women whom I met, most likely neurotypical, told me that I would look better with short hair and contacts. But I really did not want that look. Now I have shoulder-length hair and aviator glasses like Ray Manzarek.

Maybe I am too into what I learnt as a child, too romantic. I dislike the games and body language reading of modern dating. I live several minutes away from the Pacific Ocean, and at sunset, as in like right at this moment, I like to sit in my backyard and watch the sun go down. I feel like something is missing, like I cannot share this with anyone, which is why I felt so depressed about not having a girlfriend. I eat alone at restaurants, and despite having become comfortable from people staring and making comments about me, it would be enjoyable to eat with a girlfriend instead of me reading a book and eating alone. I often listen to love songs of older bands like The Carpenters and Bread, thinking how it would be nice to listen to (or even play) these songs with a girlfriend. These little moments make me feel like I am missing out on something that would lighten up life at least a bit.

All of the relationship stuff I feel like I am missing something, no matter how much academics I do. I could study medicine, get the grandmaster title in chess and achieve C1-C2 in ten foreign languages, but still feel like I am missing out on relationships. I understand that many people feel content single, but I feel rather lonely by myself all the time.

The virginity issue is tied in with the relationship issue more or less. I feel that I also miss out on intimacy. I hope that this does not sound like too much information, but I have a high sex drive as well. Instead of enjoying this in a relationship, I often have to relieve my urges by myself on a regular basis.

I opened online dating accounts when I was around 25. OKCupid, PlentyOfFish, Tinder, Match, Bumble, and lately I installed Cove. But this never has worked. I have never met anyone from a dating app. And in my area I often see extroverted women--often pictures where they pretend to drink the entire champagne bottle, are in a nightclub, hiking in Yosemite, at a pool party with captions like "Go shorty, it your birthday.". Around 75%+ of the profiles seem to be like that.

Unless there is an online dating site for introverted, more studious people, but so far I do not know of any.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I been ashamed by my ex and my coworkers because I was twenty three year old who never been in a relationship. Try to think of this way anyone who shame a person for being a virgin must be a shame of themselves and jealous of what they don't have. Either because they wish they still was a virgin or they are jealous because they missed their freedom of being single! Being single is a great thing. The question is what make you happy as a person?

That great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

In my own personal experiences in all my 29 years, 11 months and 3 weeks on this earth, I would estimate that over 80% (a quite conservative estimate at that) of people, both male and female, who upon knowing that I am a virgin at an older age, they have reacted negatively to very negatively. Quite a few have reacted extremely negatively, as in laughing out loud, giving me the middle finger, calling me a virgin loser, saying that I will be single for the rest of my life, women calling me asexual or mentally ill, I have heard and seen it all. I expect people to act like this to me now. It is just recently that I learnt how to be content with how I am as a person and ignore what those people have said about me.

If I included people who seemed like they did not care but then made comments about my being odd or weird, the estimate would be over 90%. It is not just a few people, but I would say the vast majority of people. Of course by logical deduction, this most likely means that I am living in a place full of judgemental people.

What makes me happy is probably hard to define. I like my interests in sciences and mathematics, and my serious hobbies like chess and foreign languages. I plan to study medicine in Europe despite having 3 STEM degrees, and I have a one-track mind in being studious and academic. Perhaps this turns the women off back home where I live. I am not seen as a normal person for these interests, and I can barely make male friends as well, because they consider me too odd, and even way odder due to the virgin/single issue.

I think that you are also asking if I am tying happiness to relationship/sex. In a way, yes. It is certainly not the key factor to determine happiness though. It is a part of it, probably something like 20%. I feel like something is missing, quite lonely.

As an example, I am on holiday right now. I was in Germany for a week, and I just arrived a few hours ago in Portugal. As a sole traveller, I like to see dramatic landscapes and views from the city. Tomorrow I plan to do some photos from the city hills overlooking the Atlantic Ocean during sunset. I shall undoubtedly see hordes of couples there taking selfies. I have been in these situations before. Romantic view and romantic setting. Yet I am alone, no one to talk to but myself. The fact that this scene keeps repeating itself over and over in my life up to age 29, at just one week from my 30th birthday, makes me depressed instead of just feeling ambivalent.

So what I mean is, having a girlfriend and all of the stuff that comes with relationships would brighten up life at least a little bit. My entire life does not hinge on relationships, but it certainly would improve it.

Sex complicates a lot of things, and while most people are ready for the physical, few are ever ready for the emotional impact. There are a lot of individuals who don’t even know what they really want, let alone who they want. I lost my virginity at 25, and I wanted to wait. I ended up giving in because I felt like I was missing out on some romanticized version that I had in my head. I wish that I could go back in time. Sex is overrated, unless you have someone who really meets your needs, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Hi! I'm 21, and a girl. Here's my 2 cents.

You believe women find you "undatable and unattractive". Let's start with that. Everyone can be attractive in someones eyes--I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. Make sure you're putting your best foot forward when you go on dates so that you feel confident. Get that haircut you've been putting off. Make sure your hygiene is good. Dress in clothes that make you feel and look good. Everyone can improve their attractiveness by making sure they're clean and well kept. If you're already doing this, good. Keep this in mind: nobody KNOWS you're a virgin. They can't judge you on that because they don't know. You don't have to tell anyone about your past sex life--it's none of their business.

Use meetup, tinder, bumble, and other dating apps to increase your probability of finding someone.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being a virgin at 30, but I understand the stigma and shame it could cause. But think about this: are you really going to be any different after having sex with a person? I mean, sex can be great and formative and yadda yadda, but really, I've had some very unremarkable sex that left me thinking "what was the point in that?" Lol. It's not going to make you a different person--what you have to offer now is good enough. Go into dates with that confidence of knowing that you're already enough.

It is not really that I believe it insofar as it is what I infer based on reactions and negative comments. More than a few times back home in San Francisco since I was a teenager women have called me disgusting, horrifically ugly and other names. I think that I believed too much what they were saying. I mean yes, maybe on average every few months women would just say that I was ugly, but I think that I forget to recall that I live in a unique place where the majority of people, not just women but also the men, are complete arseholes. Women tend to make negative comments about me back home, and men as well, so much that I can barely make any male friends because they say that I am weird or whatever.

In terms of hygiene, I think that I am quite good in this area. Since I have OCD, I go a bit crazy when it comes to personal hygiene. I shower thoroughly and shampoo and soap a lot that my water bills are going high because of my shower lengths. It takes me five minutes just to brush my teeth, and I brush my hair for over ten minutes. I am definitely not sloppy in this area.

I always had this type of anxiety about being a virgin at 30. My birthday is exactly one week from now. But throughout my 20s, I always had this impression that I had to "get it over with" and lose virginity as quick as possible, so that I could claim that I was normal. Even male acquaintances told me that I had to lose it as soon as possible, by any means necessary, even if it meant risking pregnancy or contracting STIs, because that would still be better than being a virgin at 30. I always had the feeling that being a virgin in the 20s was like being in a sort of purgatory, and that being a virgin at 30+ would be like being sent to hell. I am not even religious, but the comparison was something like that. Maybe I listened to mainstream society too much and the ridiculous people that surrounded me.

My hairstyle is long/medium hair. Around shoulder length. When I was younger I always had short hair, but I strongly disliked having hair that short. The hair does not really matter, because short hair or long hair, women have given me negative comments regardless. Maybe my looks are just a turn-off, since for most of my adult life I have tried to imitate the look of John Lennon after he left the Beatles--long hair, circular glasses, sometimes with a beard. Women used to call me disgusting for that look. Right now I have aviator glasses and try to imitate the looks of Ray Manzarek (the drummer of the 60s band The Doors). Maybe women like short hair, but really, I truly dislike having short hair. I cannot compromise my own looks just for women to like me. If they hate me for having long hair, then really I cannot do anything about that.

In terms of letting women know about my situation, you are right. I think that due to my Asperger's whenever they asked, whether they were genuinely curious or with malintentions, I would answer honestly that I was single/virgin. Quite a few times their reactions were something like, "Oh my god!" or "Are you serious?!" and then followed with laughter. This did not really help my self-esteem.