done

I am not sure why I try, it always ends the same. I was even starting to believe that I am not an ugly stupid pile of crap, that is hilarious that I could be so delusional. I guess that is a good measure of my stupidity and worthlessness.

I am always good to laugh at so I guess that is something. The only time I feel anything positive is when I sleep but of course I can not sleep more than an hour or two because sleep leads to a panic attack. Not much longer

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Thanks for that

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I am SO SORRY you're hurting, @qwerty68! Can you tell us what happened? If you want to, of course. I remember things were going mostly ok with you. In any case, we're here for you to support you. My Inbox is ALWAYS open for you. You know that's ALWAYS true! I'll try to get back at you AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN! THAT'S A PROMISE! Remember that you're AWESOME, you're BEAUTIFUL, you're NOT UGLY AT ALL, you're IMPORTANT, you MATTER, you're WISE, you're WORTH IT and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER! I AM SURE OF THAT! PLEASE KEEP TRYING YOUR BEST LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support! I am SURE plenty of others will also WONDERFULLY help you as well if you just ask! YOU'RE THE BEST! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @qwerty68, and ALL the people you Love and who ALSO Love you back as well! Keep fighting and keep rocking as much as you possibly csn like you're already wisely and wonderfully doing all and entirely by yourself and all and entirely on your own! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREDY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!

I just can't go back to being alone again. I don't know what happened but I am alone. Maybe she will come back, maybe not but she knows she is hurting me and I know something is wrong with her but she won't talk.

Sorry for even posting, I am a waste of everyone's time and effort.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I am so sorry. I know how happy she made you. All you can do is cry and be sad but also feel grateful for the times you shared. Hang on. It may always feel bad sometimes but, with time, it won't feel bad all of the time. It is good that you are talking about it. Who knows how she feels and I encourage you to tell her exactly how you feel (maybe you already have) regardless of whether or not she talks. Keep in mind that long distance relationships just have really bad odds of lasting. She can get more of what she needs from someone who lives closer and she may just be the type of person who hates delivering bad news (I don't know ). Hang in there. You are a great person. I hope she explains. I hope you get her back. Hugs.

I am so sorry she hasn't got back to you yet. Have you tried to contact her yourself? Definitely explain to her that her absence is hurting you. You have every right to tell her that. At the very least, she has to be honest about your relationship with her. Please be kind to yourself. Believe me when I say that you're worth it. Your Life is worth it. You are important and you matter. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you're feeling alone... or if you want some advice and support. I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @qwerty68, your family, your friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am SO SORRY that you're struggling!

I do contact her. I try to follow our habit of me saying good morning and good evening so I do that and occasionally send a short video. I guess I am trying to pretend there is normalcy.

She is not one to hide her feelings if I annoy her or make her really happy so if it was unwanted she would say something. Although, I do feel like an idiot for doing knowing the odds of a response are low. She hasn't unfriended me so I take that as a good sign.

She has done this before, what is upsetting is that she promised that if she needed time away for whatever reason she would let me know and even then, at least write something every 2-3 days. She claims I am the best and most patient man in the world, she even said that just days before disappearing, clearly that is a lie but it seems strange that she would do this after saying that. The week before we also talked about her maybe coming back around Halloween but not in detail.

I do think there is some kind of MH issue that she has that I can not put my finger on. I know she has been emotionally abused, which breaks my heart that anyone could do that to her. She says that MH care is not really a thing in Russia so she has not been diagnosed with anything. She has self-esteem issues, just a little noticeable but not bad. That is shocking to me.

I could tell something was wrong about 3 weeks before she got quiet but she flat-out told me that she doesn't want me to know. Which is her right of course, but it is a struggle to reconcile that with her talking a lot about marriage. Maybe it is a cultural thing or just part of her personality?

Maybe I really am an INJF, even just chatting I can feel her mood shift and it definitely affects me. I still talked to her but what I said and how I said it changed when her mood did. Maybe I am just nuts like my sister said who thinks I have PTSD from all the times I have been dumped with no reason ever given. I don't think PTSD from an ex-wife walking out with no warning one day or a handful of losing girlfriends in embarrassing ways would cause that. It just proved what I always suspected. The last dumping was almost 20 years ago so that seems unlikely it would affect me now. She also claims my self-esteem was ruined by those experiences which seems unlikely since I have always felt lower than everyone else. I am just much older and uglier now. Much more boring and inactive than I used to be but that would be my fault.

Another sister claims that she can tell I am trying to push everyone away and maybe I am doing that to Irina. Or maybe her actions have nothing to do with me, despite her claim of me withdrawing. I don't think I am pushing her away. If I could I would go all caveman and put her over my shoulder and bring her home and a month ago she would have approved of the idea, not sure if she would now.

I know I have too much wrapped up into this but it is hard to not get that way. She is everything I have dreamed of and so much more and believe it or not being alone for nearly 20 years isn't much fun. This and the last time really shows how insecure I am, I guess that comes from never having a successful relationship.


I think I could have one with her though. It is very embarrassing also, the thought of losing her. She took a lot of photos of us together and I shared some on my FB and with family and that is very hard for me to do but I did it thinking I would not embarrass myself by doing I am not sure what to make her pull away.

I just suck and need to disappear for good I think. I feel a strong push to do that before my birthday in a few weeks. I am not sure I could stand being alone that day, especially when we had talked about having a virtual party and she was getting really excited for my birthday. Yes, I am an idiot for thinking that I could find someone and be happy.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Please, qwerty, be kind to yourself. You have value and you're worth it REGARDLESS of other people. I feel like that's what you may want to work on... your self-esteem. You have absolutely NOTHING LESS than other people, your Age or otherwise. Please start to be kind to yourself because YOU DESERVE IT AND YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through and that you're feeling lonely, but it is important to be happy and content with ourselves and NOT rely on other people for our own happiness. Of course it's GREAT if one has friends or a relationship... but that doesn't have to be your sole reason for Living. Please try to do something nice for yourself. It can be something simple like buying yourself some gifts or some food. ANYTHING THAT YOU MAY LIKE! Try to find some distractions as well if you can! As usual, feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you want someone to talk to or vent. You are important and you matter! You know that as well even if it's deep down inside you! REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE ALONE HERE! THAT'S A PROMISE! Hopefully we can celebrate a Virtual Party here when your Birthday comes! Let us know if you want that! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You and Her, @qwerty68, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE WISE AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW ALL OF THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU, MY AWESOME, KIND, SWEET, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, DEAR, GENEROUS, RESOURCEFU, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND!

This is probably way too long and not worth reading.


She is not my sole reason for living. Not in a certain sense. Even when she was here I had severe but short bouts of depression. It was nothing she did. It was my feeling that I could not be enough for anyone, much less her. The possibility of losing her is more like the proverbial last straw on the camel.

I do have 2 grown daughters and 4 grandkids. 1 daughter and 1 grandkid live with me, and I try to be what they need. I try to help and get yelled at, one abandoned me over it, even if it was only two weeks and got yelled at because the other one looked like she was in distress and even people who witnessed it said that I was right to try to intervene and I got called controlling and pathetic. I am not a controlling person, I don't lose my temper. I am always measured in my responses to people, Irina calls me cautious and reasonable and she saw me with my granddaughter whom was throwing a fit and also labelled me very patient.

Those are good attributes I will accept because they are true. Any "negative" thing I say about myself is true and nothing will change my mind. Truth is immutable.

I am pathetic but it hurts to have someone I mostly raised by myself to call me pathetic. I almost died that night and should have, you would be spared this pathetic BS. All of this happened in the same week and if that is not a sign, there is no such thing.

If I lose even one of my daughters, what is the point? I put everything I had into them for their entire lives because I was the most stable and always available parent but it was for nothing.

If I lose my daughters, they will block me from my grandkids and that is not something I can live with. I honestly did nothing to earn their contempt. I am not perfect but I am not abusing, demeaning or controlling in any way.

Add in my new medical issues. I have grade 4 patellar chondromalacia in one knee and grade 3 in the other, meaning behind one knee cap I have basically no cartilage and the other slightly more. Also add tendonosis to each knee. These are degenerative diseases. I am supposed to start PT but they will get worse no matter what I do, they can only get worse. Because of the grade 4 and from kneeling in my garden, I got a complex tear of the medial meniscus which causes a lot of pain and popping and clicking in that knee. It is inoperable. It may or may not get worse, but it will not get better and it is already quite painful and often difficult to walk but sometimes I can ride my bike.

My shoulder has a calcified rotator cuff that was severely torn a long time ago, there are bone flakes in the shoulder causing random bursitis and locking up my shoulder along with a bone spur poking into my rotator cuff and the surgeon will not operate. This is degenerative. To make matters worse, Geodon made my testosterone levels so low I lost a lot of muscle mass and my shoulder can not deal with weight lifting so I look even more pathetic than I used to.

I have neuromas in the ball of my feel that the surgeon also will not operate on. It is also degenerative to some extent.

So feet, knees and shoulder are FUBAR. I have osteoarthritis nearly everywhere, including the vertebrae in my neck. I have bone spurs everywhere including my neck. My brain is even worse. MH is getting worse and worse and no med and no therapy has helped even a little. An MRI showed cerebral softening that could possibly be a sign of a minor stroke.

I recently had surgery on my sinus because I had silent sinus syndrome and I was at risk of my sinus collapsing which would cause my eye to drop into it. The risk is much lower and the surgeon thinks it will not weaken more and should be strong enough to not collapse on its own. What happens if I get in a car wreck or get hit by a baseball?

That leaves little hope for anything but a physically and mentally painful future that will only get worse.

It is fitting that I will die alone and in pain. It is what I deserve. So maybe I should stick it out so I can get what I have earned.

You and Tuned out help me, along with a member I chat with in FB a few times a week, she has way more important issues than I do that need to be addressed because she is a really great person. Clearly no one else really gives a crap, and it is difficult to blame them.

I will not break rules and discuss methods but I have everything I need to fall asleep and never wake up, hopefully it will be peaceful but since my state discriminates against the mentally ill forcing us to take matters into our own hands, even though I believe I am terminal, I know that no pdoc would concur, no matter how many decades I suffer. Freaking sadists! Just because I suck I have to deal with constant pain and since doctors are myopic and overreact, I can't even get proper meds to help the pain. I have a long history of taking addictive pain pills for years and not abusing them, or getting addicted. I can and have stopped after taking them for daily for years. I was even in school getting nearly straight-A's. Maybe if I were in a little less pain, my mind would be slightly clearer right now.

I even have the dumpster picked out since it is obvious it is where I belong since I have spent a life time getting metaphorically thrown away.

The question is what date? Tomorrow sounds good and yes, my lovely friend all by herself could save me. I could live a happy life with her, it would not cure me but with her next to me my problems become unimportant.

No, she does not know that. She knows I miss and love her and I really want to start talking again but I don't let anything else leak to her, that feels very manipulative. Given her history she could go back to normal tomorrow or in 2 weeks and it is possible never. With my luck, I will be dead in the dumpster and my phone with beep with her ringtone.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Qwerty,
You really are enduring so, so much. I understand how depressing it is to have serious medical issues including pain because of what I endured when I first got out of the hospital after I harmed myself. I was on pain meds every 3-4 hours (Percocet and Oxycotin) then released to an inpatient mental hospital where they took it away cold turkey. I was in so much pain. It was cruel but I didn't complain because I was terrified that they would deem me mentally incompetent. Sadists for sure!!! Other people around me were suffering as well.
I am lucky things mostly healed (though I am not as physically strong as I was before that self harm) and I can still walk. Walking (and running when I was younger) has always been an essential element to keeping my depression at bay. My heart breaks that you are dealing with so many issues.
When she said, "She claims I am the best and most patient man in the world, she even said that just days before disappearing, clearly that is a lie but it seems strange that she would do this after saying that."--It probably wasn't a lie. My guess is that she her feelings were genuine but she found someone else. When it became serious between my husband and me, I stopped dating other people. I am afraid I did not give them much explanation. Now that I have read on here how much it hurts to be dumped without explanation--I now know I should have talked to one boy. Because of my anxiety and fear of losing my H, I was afraid to talk to him at all.
My husband says that some of the things our kids do are not our fault. They are their own people with their own personality that they were born with. Some of their choices are completely their own. I now understand how right he was! Please don't blame yourself for your kid's bad behavior. That is our depression and anxiety playing tricks on us!! We were both very, very good parents! Take care of yourself Qwerty! PM me on your birthday and tell me how old you are.

If I am still here I will try to remember. I will be too old for anything. I just had my last chance at not spending the rest of my life alone and being the pathetic loser that I am, I failed. Like everything else in my life. I have no one to talk to, all I have left is to whine here and honestly it feels like I am just screaming into the void.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Please stay safe, qwerty. I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting SO MUCH, @qwerty68, that you're feeling SO LONELY, that you're struggling SO MUCH and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! I think your Life is worth it much, much more than you believe. Please don't hurt yourself... I beg you. You matter and you know that as well! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! I understand how hard it is to be rejected by the people who should be the closest to us - but that doesn't say anything about you. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you necessarely did anything wrong. Please try to remember that because it is true and I'm sure you know it as well deep down inside you! YOU ARE IMPORTANT YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WISE, YOU'RE WORTH IT AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL! ALL OF THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! Please try to hang in there... give yourself some time before taking any harmful actions, like 24 hours or so. Perhaps you'll feel a little bit better by then. Also, please don't feel guilty about venting here. You have EVERY RIGHT to do that! We are here to listen! I hope that helps a bit. There are people who care about you... you are worth it. Please believe me because that's the truth! I hope you'll be able to see that... It is the Truth! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! Please try not to focus too much on what other people think of you or may think of you. You're not a loser. There aren't many people as patient and kind as you. You've been through so much and yet you're still standing. You're still trying to do your best for your daughters and grandkids... Our children can unfortunately be ungrateful and it isn't our fault. It just happens. So please, be kind to yourself - and I hope you'll still be here with us to celebrate another Birthday - and another Victory! You can PM me ANYTIME as well, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! I am sure many others will alslo gladly and wonderfully help you as well if you just ask for assistance. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @qwerty68, Irina, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Daughters, Your Grandkids, ALL the People you Love And Care About Who ALSO Love You And Care About You As Well And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're going through ALL OF THIS, qwerty, that you're hurting SO MUCH, that you are feeling SO LONELY and that you're struggling SO MUCH, MY DEAR SWEET FRIEND! YOU'RE THE STRONGEST THERE IS AND YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND!

I brought up the fact that I knew that if she met someone awesome there I would lose out because he is there and I am not. She told me she was not looking and there was no Russian man that could compare to me. She seems to really dislike them, basically calls them all abusive control freaks, which can not be true but it is certainly her experience. It is why a pathetic, ugly loser like me looked so good to her.

It is telling that the one person in my entire life that treated me like she loved me lived so far away and is such a complicated situation. My ex-wife and the few people I dated never treated me like they loved me and when they got what they needed they ditched me, Irina is different than that yet even if she comes back and talks to me the odds are long that we will ever be together.

It is moot





You guys are really great, especially Só leigheas.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I don't know what I can say. I don't want to lose you and I hate that you're hurting. More so that I can't stop it for you.

I'm here. I'm always here, qwerty.

I hope you'll reconsider , @qwerty68... please don't go. We care about you here. You are a friend to many here. Please, PLEASE don't hurt yourself! You will be very much missed by this Board if you're gone. I PROMISE YOU THAT! I hope you'll be able to see the WONDERFUL person that you TRULY are... I'm here, friend, if you want to talk to me as well. Everyone will be glad to help in any they possibly can, I am sure. Please stay safe, my friend! STAY SAFE AND PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF! Call ANYONE who may help... an hotline, an hospital... anyone. I know you're feeling pretty hopeless but please do make that one call. Just that one call for help... because you deserve to get help. You're a WONDERFUL human being and you deserve to Live. I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you can't see that because it is the TRUTH! Please, get help... your deserve to Live. You deserve to Live a Good Life. THAT'S A PROMISE! I can ensure you that the world WON'T be a better place without you... You will be missed by many, certainly here, and probably In Real Life as well. Just be kind to yourself and avoid doing anything dangerous... I beg you! I hope you'll reconsider what you're doing. I'm here if you need help. We're all here. We all want to help you. THAT'S A PROMISE! Please be kind to yourself and most importantly, STAY SAFE!

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

No, it is not. It is much, much worse than no happiness. Even if I never hear from her again, I can't regret it but it is much worse than if I had never met her or anyone. If she is gone, I will never make the mistake of trying to meet people again.


I don't even know if she is gone for good or why. She is never shy about telling me things I need to know. She still follows various things in my area and likes the photos on instagram. She hasn't unfollowed me on insta or FB. She has gone stretches of time like this(but getting close to the longest amount of time), it was just unexpected this time since we had such an amazing visit.

The last thing she sent before disappearing was a video telling me she loves me and to hold on but she looked very sad. It is not likely that she met another guy, at least not locally because her situation is very complicated that would pretty much preclude it. I guess it is possible but extremely unlikely.


Maybe I am in denial but it doesn't matter. I deserve to be mocked as you know. It seems to be enjoyable for people.


If I am here for my upcoming birthday I will be 51. Since my 30th birthday I have had an accumulated a total of maybe 10 months not alone. 2 weeks last July and before that was 2002 for about 3 months.


Apologies to @bluekoi for posting again.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I am sorry. I hope the video wasn't too harsh. I was trying to make you laugh but I now realize it is too early for that. With time, hopefully the pain will fade and you will be happy for the happy memories. I hope. Sorry you are in so much pain right now. I try to watch things that make me laugh whenever I can. Lately, it's Parks and Rec. Ever watch that sitcom?

Don't apologize for posting, @qwerty68! I am REALLY HAPPY you're still here!! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting SO BADLY and that you're struggling and going through ALL OF THIS! I do believe there's a part of you that still wants to Live and carry on, however small it may be! So please try to hang on to that! I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT BOTH TUNEDOUT AND SO' LEIGHEAS HAVE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! Please ALWAYS remember that you are important, you matter, you're worth it, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! THAT'S ALL ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I am ALWAYS here for you when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! TunedOut and So' leigheas are here as well and you know it! Please PM me if you need it! You know I'll ALWAYS be available for you! THAT'S A PROMISE! So please, stay safe! Try to do something nice for yourself! I am sorry if my posts are bothering you! That is not my intention, believe me! I just care about you and want to see you happy and safe! I hope you'll be able to hang on despite your struggles! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well as this thread has already BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY shown! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @qwerty68, Your Granddaughter, Irvina As Well, Your Daughters And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting SO MUCH and that you're struggling and that you have to deal with ALL OF THIS! I TRULY, REALLY AM!!