*tw* I Never Understood Depression Until Now

I use to cut, I stopped and I still don't anymore, the depression is back though and worst now then back then. I use to cut from 2012-2015. I was so proud because I conquered it all by myself without any help from anyone, and yes I have a been depressed off and on but I thought it was all situational because it's been a rough 4 years.
This year, oh God, this year I have been so suicidal. Not even the full year, the past like, three months and the only reason why I am still alive is because of my two year old but, my mom constantly reminds me he can do so much better without me anyway so now, I don't even know if that can keep me much longer.
I thought I knew what depression was, I thought I knew what it was like being suicidal.
No. This is worst, it's like, all I can think about is how much I want to die, all I can think about is how life never, ever gets better I don't want to be around for when it's gets worst. I don't want to be around for when anyone else does, I don't want to be around when this kid grows up to hate me just like everyone else, I just don't want to anymore.
I was so convinced I was depressed before but this has got to be much worst and I don't even know what to do.

hang in there.
post on here - there is a lot of supportive people here
reach out to a support line
go for a walk outside