Sober depression

Hello everybody, this is my first post.

I haven´t written in a mental health forum for years (at least 4, I guess). I used to suffer from severe depression until I was 21 or so. I am 24 now, and am surprised to have come back to this point.

I have been one week sober today - not that I had a heavy alcohol addiction before: I stopped drinking just when I noticed I was close to become an alcoholic. Right after stopping, I have been struck by severe depression as I did not experience in years. I am not talking about being sad about my current life situation (could be worse; I have a girlfriend, I am not starving, I am not fighting in a war, etc.), but rather re-experiencing that absolute, universal depression I used to suffer from. Just constantly thinking of death, the quick passage of time, the purposelessness of things - but especially the passage of time. I am a history lover, and I tend not to see much difference between the living people and the dead people of the past. After all, they were like us, we'll be like them - sooner than we think, or at least that's my thought.

The reason why I'm writing this to you all is that I noticed my severe, "universal" depression left me just when I started heavy drinking a few years ago, and it's reappeared now that I've stopped drinking. So my fear - my absolute terror I must say - is that I'm not just depressed because of the current withdrawal, but that I'm depressed because I'm not unable to prevent those thoughts from popping up due to the fact that I'm not drinking. Hence, the terrifying doubt that my alternative is between depression and drugs - which I know it's not: I know that there's therapy and much more, but I'm being caught by the fear that in all these years I have not become more mature in the deep, which is something that instead I do believe: since the time I was in severe depression, I believe I have grown up a lot, and that I'm no longer a kid. I'm no longer afraid to have a real job (even though I don't have one, I have been up to several interviews for very interesting positions). I have graduated in time from my bachelor and I'm currently doing my masters. I've published three novels in the last 4 years and I'm working on my fourth one; I have acted in movies and I have written and directed my own short movie, composed lots of music for piano besides my unrelated economics studies - which I enjoy very much - but then again, I feel that all this development has just been a distraction from those horrible thoughts, and that I'm back to the starting point without much difference from the scared kid I used to be.

I'm therefore posting here just to hear any kind of thought about this.

Note: I'm not the kind of daylight-drinker. Even in my heavy drinking periods, I always drank after dinner or so, as still that evening non-sobriety has always let me sleep without much trouble, without many heavy thoughts.

Hello & Welcome, Vitreousbody.
How is your sleep now that you have stopped drinking?

After reading your post ,all I can see is despite of your suffering you have done a great job of being productive.You have managed to do a lot of positive things.You are truly an inspiring person.I think you can work on the part of you that is creating a problem in your life.You can do it.I agree with you that all the things you did have acted as diversions from bad memories.I take these diversions when ever I can,when an ugly memory tries to pop up in my mind.You did a great job.

Welcome @Vitreousbody! Well, it's just like Mendingmysoul and Rohag have already wisely and wonderfully said! You've been able to accomplish A LOT despite your struggles so please be kind to yourself for that and be proud of yourself for that! You deserve it! Definitely seek the help of a Therapist you can. You DID mature throughout your years. You're just struggling right now but that doesn't mean that you DIDN'T improve as a person! So please, keep working on yourself like you're already WONDERFULLY doing! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need someone to talk to or vent to or if you need advice and support! I am SURE plenty of others will ALSO KINDLY, GLADLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Vitreousbody, your Family, your Friends, your Girlfriend, your Relatives, ALL of the people you Love and care about who ALSO Love you back and care about you as well and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking, my dear, sweet friend! I am SO SORRY that you're struggling!

Thank you all for the kind words, they are all very helpful for me in this dark moment, and provide me with a sense of human warmth and hope.

In response to Rohag, I don't see much difference in my sleep now, compared to before. Maybe I see no difference yet, but I know it must happen, sooner or later.
For now, my awakenings are filled with tiredness just as if I had been drinking the night before. To tell you the truth, the very first days I stopped drinking I woke up telling myself I was an idiot for having been drunk yet another time, only to realize a few seconds later that I had not.

Hey @Vitreousbody

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vitreousbody Thank you all for the kind words, they are all very helpful for me in this dark moment, and provide me with a sense of human warmth and hope. In response to Rohag, I don't see much difference in my sleep now, compared to before. Maybe I see no difference yet, but I know it must happen, sooner or later. For now, my awakenings are filled with tiredness just as if I had been drinking the night before. To tell you the truth, the very first days I stopped drinking I woke up telling myself I was an idiot for having been drunk yet another time, only to realize a few seconds later that I had not.

Are you doing this on your own or do you have a support group like AA? You do not have to buy into the parts of aa that you think are bs. Being amongst peers trying to stop drinking or having stopped drinking is really helpful. I have 7 years sober now.
And not to nit-pick but there is no in between with alcoholism. You either are one or you are not.

May your sleep improve. And may that happen more swiftly than gradually.