[will19]

Feeling pretty blue and lonely tonight. I got a movie. My friend told me that the libraries (that's where I get my videos) are going to be closed for three weeks starting this Monday. I felt like an idiot for not knowing that. When I went to the library early this afternoon I didn't notice anything on the front door saying that.

I called my friend and told him that I'll come to his house tomorrow. I'd rather not but I feel like I have to. I feel embarrassed to say this but he has some toilet paper to give me. I can't buy any because all of the stores I've been to have all run out. I would like to have him visit me at my place but I didn't want to ask him because he'd be afraid to take the bus with the Coronavirus business going on.

I was so extremely depressed that I called out sick. My manager was fine with it but asked it I had the corona virus. So I’ll have to go back tomorrow in order to avoid being tested for it before returning. I think it will be fine. I don’t have it. I’m just so depressed and haven’t been able to take care of myself. It was an impulsive decision where I just couldn’t care less about my job. If I lose it due to the corona virus then fine. I’ll find something else.

Now I’m listening to adult bedtime stories. I don’t think I can get out of bed today. I’m too scared. I feel very alone. I’m not strong enough.

I’m already regretting calling out but I think it will be fine. I’m going to sleep the day away. Last night I cried thinking about it this awful fatherless void I have. I feel very confused and lost. I woke up wanting to self harm.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm so sorry, @the walls. God bless you. And I'm praying for you.

[giddykitty]

and how are you today, @Breaking Dawn? (hope it's ok to ask)

I'm hanging in there. Got off to a slow start today-little guilty about that. And I'm a little anxious about this new chicken recipe I'm doing here in just a few...but it's pretty easy. Hopefully it will taste good. Oh, actually, I ought to eat first...if my wrap is still good from yesterday (really hope it is!). Um...

idk I guess I'm in a decent mood, not too low nor too high so decent. Got Blurry by Puddle of Mudd stuck in my head atm. Good song at least though! Just trying to stay positive!

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm ok right now. Thank you for your thoughts, @giddykitty.

[Rose76]

After being real depressed on Sat, I managed to recover on Sun. What a relief it was! But it was a hypomanic kind of recovery, so I stayed up late Sun. night doing stuff. Actually, I didn't sleep. So Mon I was exhausted.

So 4 a.m. this morning my s.o. ends up on the floor and I have to call 911 to get them to lift him up. They were real nice. In first trying to get him up myself I resprained my left heel. Here I am awake for past few hours. I'm trying to avoid sinking down into depression again.

This lack of a normal sleep pattern makes it impossible to maintain a regular daily pattern of activity. That sets the stage for a depressive episode.

But I'm not back into depression. I think I can avoid going there, if I just put one foot in front of the other getting stuff done.

[winter4me]

Jagged morning so far. Woke up uneasy, need to pick up meds today but not 'ready' to do that yet...down, ok, down, anxious, ok, ...and grey sleety weather doesn't help...too soon to tell.

suicidal mostly

ugg

and it really doesn't help that everything's about this virus (not that I'm saying it shouldn't be, but their are other asspects of life also)

[zapatoes]

Ok, trying to survive and telling myself this too will pass, the Coronavirus crisis. I’m looking at things I can do to pass the time, study for certification or recertification actually. Other things I can do include read a good book, watch a funny movie, walk my dog while practicing social distancing. May have to apply for a new job, and may apply to go to college online to get another masters degree. It’s difficult as feel low sometimes and forced isolation doesn’t help but will set a goal to call a friend, my cousin, my mom and/or come on PC. Hugs to everyone during this difficult and trying time, and I will try to be the positive and helping person to brighten someone else’s day.

I feel pretty depressed still.

[Rose76]

I am really fouled up. It's not depression exactly. But it might as well be. Been awake for hours. I don't see many options . . . and none that I like. Sometimes you gotta just pick one . . . maybe at random . . . and maybe a path gets uncovered.

I am a little upset that the coronavirus song (handwashing one) has been removed from alexa, as I quite liked using that when I washed my hands

been struggling a bit with voices too, and anxieties about the meeting I don't want to attend (but have to)

but I've kept myself distracted with things I enjoy

wednesday is a good day for me I get to listen to a favorite podcast

[Rose76]

I'm staying in bed. I'm sort of depressed. Mainly I'm sore. So I'm doing a lot less. This Corona thing is starting to creep me out.

[will19]

Went to work today and hardly anyone there. It's so depressing. Draggy day as it was very slow. Took a bike ride after work. I wasn't sure if I could go since it rained a little bit an hour before I went. The bike ride was nice but the depressing part of it was riding by the bars and restaurants off the streets that are bustling with people were empty. It felt weird.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER ON NEXT PARAGRAPH

Tomorrow I have a couple of tests about the follow-up with the prostate cancer I had. Since the surgery five years ago, I've had what seems to be a trace showing up on blood tests since then. I'm dreading the whole thing. I'm hoping it will be alright. In my opinion, this is worse on my mind than the Covid19 business.

[3rd rock]

I'm freaking out about the possible loss of work if enough businesses are shuttered due to Coronavirus and my employer might have to have mass layoffs due to a loss of business as a result of so many customers cancelling orders. After having been off work for so long due to medical concerns of my own, I really, really need the money.

[zapatoes]

Went to work today and it as nice in a way to be back at work after being at home 3 days in a row. Thought maybe we would need to stay home, not yet. Have a plan if need to stay put at home.

Hugs to everyone during this difficult time.

[Breaking Dawn]

Just plugging along. I am ok. I wish all of you the very best!

I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep. I think the corona virus is depressing me and I am not doing anything to stop my depression when I usually have it under control.

The self isolation/cancellation of things that is being encouraged kind of gives me permission to indulge in depressive behaviors. I hope this virus situation ends soon. It’s revealing how I am always at least a little suicidal. I have no self preservation.

I had a dream where my supervisor took the last of my rice and gave it away. I felt angry in the dream but covered my emotions and pushed through it. I knew he was baiting me.

I thought I had a five pound bag of rice (bought a few months ago). But yesterday I was making rice and realized I only have one pound or less left.

[puzzclar]

Do I call my t? Do I need intervention? Or can I just text?
I don't know what to do! And I've been up for 1:.5 hours. Something needs to change.

[giddykitty]

@thewalls I actually understand you finding this virus bs to be fuel to want to regress to depressive behaviors. I've been tempted and sometimes indulge a little myself, however, I think I'm doing pretty good...because I have to! Don't give in to harmful thoughts though. We really want to see you around here...but in a good place too! Also, I hate that when I feel like I have enough rice (or whatever ingredient) and I come to find out I was low. So many damn things to keep track of. sucks!

@puzzclar not sure what's going on exactly (sorry, i am forgetful sometimes with who's posting what). I'd say if you even are thinking about calling your t, do it!

As for me-

I posted an update in my journal if anyone is still interested. Just sharing my day basically, but thoughts or words of support or just hugs are always welcome. Hugs to all! <3