[giddykitty]

I'm feeling good again. Was very productive today and managed to have fun too! A little nervous about what hubby will thi k though because we don't always see eye to eye on things...also a bit nervous about a message I sent to my GP this morning... well, I'm nervous and energetic all at the same time e! I'm afraid I'm going to crash when hubby gets home because I didn't sleep a lot last night (or as much as I usually do). I hope he's in a pleasant mood so we can both be happy together. Wouldn't that be great?!
I'm excited (but also nervous) about our upcoming trip. Always nice to get away and see family, but it can also be nervewrecking. Anyway...

[StaticScream]

I am sick.
That means I have to stay inside and rest but I always had a problem with that. It makes me feel guilty and feeds into my depression, that whispers in the back of my head that I am not productive enough.

[will19]

Not much of a day today. Was slow at work. I got talking to one of the guards (a woman who is ten years older than me) for a bit this morning. Our talk went alright. She was asking me what I do with myself during my off-work times. I told her "nothing much". She's very social and outgoing. She eats out practically every night. I never eat out. I basically just stay with myself. I didn't feel comfortable talking about what I do with myself. She seems to have a lot of friends. I hardly have any, except for one who is not the kind of friend I really want. It's not the way I really want my life to be like. It just ended up that way for me and I don't know why. Well, I know why, but I feel like I can't change.

[3rd rock]

Holy **** this medication duolexetine (cymbalta) is the absolute worst thing in the world. I can't even stand up because the oppressive anxiety borders on full blown panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to die because my heart might just suddenly and arbitrarily stop.

I sold a drawing. My first commission. That excited me. and she is having me draw another portrait (a repeat customer!). My art has become fertile, virile! I’m so happy and I want to keep this up.

And training at work is going well (but my learning pace is slow and I feel that if I weren’t so not in control of my life I’d be better at retaining the info and studying). One of the managers was in there and saw me doing something on my own while the trainer watched! I think I should have a conversation with management soon about my prospects. Idk how to do that and it freaks me out.

I got my hair cut. That’s a big thing off my checklist. I got an undercut. That amuses me.

I’m exhausted most of the time. I spend a lot of energy trying to maintain the big picture

I don’t often think about my identity. But sometimes I wonder how it shifts and turns. When I “look down” from where I am in life now, it’s like I am looking down from a great height. You know you’re not supposed to look down when you climb up high. Anyway. I did. I haven’t even gotten that far yet but I still feel like some huge shift has happened. I’m still me though I think. I don’t know if I should be afraid of someday not understanding how I got to where I got to. I think my life is random. Sometimes that makes me upset. I’m from no particular place. Sometimes idk how I got here where I am now. Maybe it’s ok. Without it I can’t grow or move. The things I do for me are a learned selfishness. But without it I would lose myself. I would be adrift. I grew up outside of society. And didn’t see myself as part of its rules. All I have is myself. Maybe that’s the best and worst thing.

As an aside, it weirds me out that my hypothetical and most likely never to exist children would have every advantage that I give them. When I had none from my parents except a feeling. Perhaps I am looking too far though.

[giddykitty]

Well I lost most of the day because I took a long nap. Bleh! But at least I worked out. Mood is stable.

[Yzen]

Looking forward to a long 3 day weekend off from work. I've been distracted by worry over something I shouldn't be worrying about.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs and kind thoughts to all in this thread

[will19]

The morning started off good and then it sunk. The good part was that I'm getting a little extra cash from my "reward card" and went to the dentist to have my crown put in. The bad things outweighed the good stuff for this morning.

First I got a result from a blood test I took and was not pleased. I'll be seeing the doctor inquire on what can be done. Not great news! And my friend and I had planned to have lunch together on Saturday but that will probably be cancelled again because his wife is not well. It sounds like a serious problem with his wife as she's been having pain in the stomach and has not been able to eat and move. She's up there in age (87) and it almost sounds like she's nearing the end.

Been feeling depressed and upset later in the day. The "whys?" have been on my mind. I worked out after work. It went alright but I felt like I had hurt myself.

[3rd rock]

I think I'm feeling nauseous because of the medication's side effects. I don't want to go out and get any Pepto-Bismol because there's too much snow and ice in the street for my rear-wheel drive truck to easily get into and out of its parallel-parked spot. Also I need to save money.

[will19]

A pretty good day, despite that I woke up feeling very depressed. Did my usual cleaning and shopping. The good part of the day was that my friend came over to visit me today and we had lunch at the place near where I live. It was a place that he was anxious to take me to. It was alright. Kind of crowded and very pricey. But we had a good time together. His wife was doing better this morning but had complained of stomach pain when he called her after lunch.

Nothing much for the rest of the day. Just got a movie that I hope would be good.

[will19]

It's early morning now and so far today is different than yesterday. It has turned and not for the better. At first I went to the laundry room and all of the washers were taken. So I've had to wait an hour.

And while I was down in the laundry room, my friend had called. I called him back and he said that his wife will have to go to the ER. I guess she's taken a turn for the worst. I called him but he was on another call. He mentioned that I may have to take them to the ER. Right now I'm waiting on this. I hope I don't have to go, but we'll see.

So far this has not been a good year. I had a feeling about that before Jan. 1st. I was feeling pretty good yesterday. Now I feel different.

[Breaking Dawn]

So far, I'm feeling much better today.

[3rd rock]

I am thinking of the possibility of returning to work by the end of February. I am not feeling well, and I don't believe I'll be any more capable of working at the end of February than I am now, but long-term disability doesn't pay enough to live off, so I may have no choice. I feel trapped.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t know if it’s depression or if It’s because I have been off from work but I’ve just been bored lately. I’ve just been thinking to myself every morning “same **** different day.” The other day when I got in the shower at the exact same time I thought to myself “another shower” I think the seasonal stuff is starting to hit me now. My meds have also been off kilter too.

[will19]

It's funny how weekends seem to go for me. One day can be pretty good and then the other day is bad. That's the way this weekend has been for me. Nice yesterday, funky today.

My friend's wife is still at home. He said that she has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will take it from there. I personally think that she should have gone to urgent care or the ER by now.

I spoke to my sister today and it went fairly well.

I ended up taking my bike to the shop today because I got a flat tire on the back. There was a big hole on the tire plus I felt like the tire needed to be replaced because it looked worn. It's been a long time since I got a flat tire on my bike.

Feeling funky and blue today. I have a doctor's appointment next week, which followed the blood test I took that didn't come out too good. I'm really dreading it.

[downandlonely]

My day has been ok except I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I think I'll take trazodone tonight. I can take it as needed for sleep.

[3rd rock]

A derelict building across the street from my apartment is burning, which means the neighbourhood is filled with hazardous smoke. It's in my apartment too. I've belatedly closed all windows, but it still smells strongly of fire smoke in here.

At first I thought the building I live in might've been burning, which bothered me only inasmuch as it would've meant having to find a new place to live. I hope no one was injured. All the firefighters on the scene seem to have it under control.

[Breaking Dawn]

Well, you know, things kind of go this way & that way. But overall, I don't think I'm really in complete agreement with myself. But then, who is?

[giddykitty]

I'm depressed today. **** going on in my life I have to deal with and I fear it won't change for the better, maybe even change for the worst. God! Now I'm anxious again! *deep breath