So Frustrated

This isn't something I've worked out in my head, I don't know exactly how I'm going to end up typing this all out, but honestly I've prepared to be a complete asshole, I guess that's your warning.
To begin with, I know what I've been diagnosed with so far, I've been consistently seeing someone for about 6 years now, I begin to question whether some are right, or some just haven't been addressed, but I feel like I know what the majority of my symptoms are. Yet at the same time I can't pinpoint the absolute beginning, which is frustrating.
Of course it's in the title, it's frustrating. What I find particularly obnoxious is any amount of positivity. I'm immature and stubborn. I don't want to be told "it get's better" First of all define better. If I was buried ten feet in the ground and managed to dig my way back up two, yeah that's "better", but I sill have 8 feet of dirt and worms above me. For that matter define "it" does anyone actually know what the it is? Life? Experiences? Go ahead tell me that someday rainbows will pop up and nothing bad will ever happen again. Except you can't, not even the most positive of people can. That's not unrealistic on a fairy tale level that's unrealistic on an incomprehensible level. I have no interest in waiting to see just in case. Everyone said "it will get better" 5 years ago. Everyone said "it will get better" 15 years ago, and the opposite happened.
Do I dare to bring religion into this? I'm just going to avoid thinking too hard about that. I am simultaneously hoping there is not God, and thus no kind of afterlife....But then I grew up in a strict Christian community, it's hard to completely wipe that all out of my life. But I still hate it, because I don't even like this life, why would I want another? Frustrating is have those two thoughts living next to each other.
It really just wants to come down to the idea that life and everything in it is utterly pointless, without rhyme of reason and certainly not any sort of hope.
Honestly I can't really state what the point of typing it all is, because over the many years I've been posting in forums like this I have yet to believe anything I've been told in response, same basic principle with therapists. I guess that saying SOMETHING indicates a desire to change, but then to me that sounds like something you'd read to a 5 year old while putting them to bed, it's not in any way realistic or achievable by human standards. And I guess that is what's most frustrating.

Because in truth, I am that monster.
We are an awkward little system that obsesses over things. We are Sam, Beyond, Stacy, Kevin, Kitty, Shannon,Link, Peyita, Stephen, Nicole, Damon, Pumpkin, Illonor, Daran,LIly. Feel free to send random cute things.

How about telling your treatment provider what you typed above. Also, you can get evaluated by others...a second or even third opinion.

[/QUOTE Of course it's in the title, it's frustrating. What I find particularly obnoxious is any amount of positivity. I'm immature and stubborn. I don't want to be told "it get's better" First of all define better. If I was buried ten feet in the ground and managed to dig my way back up two, yeah that's "better", but I sill have 8 feet of dirt and worms above me. For that matter define "it" does anyone actually know what the it is? Life? Experiences? Go ahead tell me that someday rainbows will pop up and nothing bad will ever happen again. Except you can't, not even the most positive of people can. That's not unrealistic on a fairy tale level that's unrealistic on an incomprehensible level. I have no interest in waiting to see just in case. Everyone said "it will get better" 5 years ago. Everyone said "it will get better" 15 years ago, and the opposite happened[/QUOTE] Not sure why the quote is not formatting.

I relate to this and being told repeatedly that “it will get better.” Someone used to just loudly exclaim “Be Happy”! and it upset me a lot. However, I know he meant well and is just not understanding that they cannot relate.

Kind of like how some people do not know what to say to someone when someone they loved died. I never knew what to say until I personally experienced a loved one died. For example, many people that believe there is a “Heaven” and say the deceased is “in a better place after being sick for so long (ex: terminal illness).” That isn’t helpful if you do not believe in “Heaven.”

On being told things will get better...I think they are well-meaning but cannot relate. I think they are trying to say they hope things will get better for you. Personally, I remind myself life is not static.

Things will change at some point. And I try to remind myself there is a possibility things will get better, or maybe worse. But the mere fact it is possible that things will improve can help one remain hopeful.

I relate to experiencing depression and things getting worse. I am going through this right now. My DH relates and will simply say “I hope you feel better soon, I love you and I am here for you.”

Perhaps you can politely tell them they cannot know what your future holds...and that you know they mean well, but simply saying “I’m thinking about you and I hope things improve for you soon. I am here for you. You are not alone.”[/QUOTE]

[/QUOTE it really just wants to come down to the idea that life and everything in it is utterly pointless, without rhyme of reason and certainly not any sort of hope.
Honestly I can't really state what the point of typing it all is, because over the many years I've been posting in forums like this I have yet to believe anything I've been told in response, same basic principle with therapists. I guess that saying SOMETHING indicates a desire to change, but then to me that sounds like something you'd read to a 5 year old while putting them to bed, it's not in any way realistic or achievable by human standards. And I guess that is what's most frustrating.[/QUOTE]

Yup. I relate to this. However, things will change in your life. It is possible it can get better. It is possible it will get worse...but I hope that isn’t the case for you.

Thinking life is pointless may be your “depression talking.” Something that is helping me is reading books about people who have it worse than me. It makes me have more gratitude for what I DO have...I am not homeless, I have a roof over my head while many people do not.

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (author of American Psycho) is my go-to book. It is fiction and I literally think it is horrible...like nothing could happen worse than what the protagonist experience.

If you think that strategy sounds interesting and decide to read Glamorama - I warn you that it is great literature but filled with graphic language and themes that are horrific. There are some true LOLs in it, too, which helps me. But do not read it if you are sensitive to tragedy.

Here are two runner’s up:

A Fine Balance by Rohinton Minstry is another one I like because it fills me with gratitude. Kind of like the saying, “Don’t ever say things can’t get worse, because they can.” That is a personal mantra of mine.

The House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III ... highly recommend but very intense and tragic. It was made into a movie that was actually pretty good, in case you can’t concentrate on reading right now.

That’s just my two cents. Typically, people say watch comedies. I have a sense of humor, absolutely, but they can actually make me feel worse. It makes life feel more futile, for me.

PM me if you read Glamorama! I have never met anyone that has read it. I will follow this thread. I hope you keep us updated on how things are going.