Don't know what to do

r/depression
Don't know what to feel
u/seffymond5m
Hi. I'm really sorry for this long disorganized rant but I just need to let this out of my chest. First of all, I haven't been diagnosed with depression because in my family, it seems like depression is non-existent so it's really hard to talk about it.

For as long as I can remember, I've been labeled by my cousins as gay because I am a bit effeminate. I play with my girl cousins a lot. And it turned to be true. I became aware that I was really gay since 2nd grade because even my boy classmates tease me for it. It wasn't really bullying I think, it was more like the type of trying to make me shy or nervous around them. What they don't know is that when I go home, I cry by myself because I didn't even choose to be gay. I didn't even care about boys at that time. Also around this time, my mom and dad were slowly drifting away without me and my older brother noticing their break up. Everyone in my family knew I was gay but no one talked to me seriously about it even my mom who I love so much, so I didn't bother opening up to anybody since I thought that was normal. I didn't even hear an explanation about my parents' annulment and I thought it was normal. So yeah, my family is somehow dysfunctional but I never felt lacking because I felt that our mom loves us so much. I just realized that my mom is never hands on with what is happening in our lives.

Until around 3rd grade, our mom, being a single mom, hires maids and a male helper (one at a time of course, I assume that our dad supports us financially until that time). The last helper/maid was a teenage boy (a family friend I guess) and my mom helped in sending him to school. After he moved out, it left me a lot of questions and made me insecure and anxious about things, most especially, made me more secretive to anyone. Thus, hampering my social connections.

In highschool then college, I had great friends but I never really opened up and didn't rely on them. I thought it was normal.

Fast forward to my job hunting, I had 2 jobs but I quit both of them because somehow, I ended up being assigned to jobs that needs talking to a lot of people. First I applied as a call center agent but couldn't handle the toxicity. Next, I applied as a finance associate, somehow got assigned to Accounts Receivable, quit because it really exhausted me calling customers. Lastly, my brother helped me get a position in the government but somehow, I can't secure the requirements because of strict policies. I've been on training for a week for that govt position. It was easy for me but stopped because of that. So now, I don't even know where to go and what I want anymore. And after typing this, I got more confused but somehow, laughed at myself for typing this long text.

Well what I want to say is despite having tried my best to do good, even though I have anxiety in dealing with people, nothing really goes our way. I've been unemployed for months and single since the last 2 years and the slightest words from my family and friends hurt me so I cry myself to sleep. I came out to my friends btw but it didn't really do much.

I hope being here helps.

this is a lovely comunity of friends.

I'm sorry to hear about your family, mine wern't understanding either and I know how much that sucks.

you'll find lots of support here. keep reaching out