I feel ashamed

Maintenance showed up today. I didn't see the notice on my door yesterday. I was only alerted to them coming when I saw them out my window. I had just enough time to put my cat up. My apartment is a mess. I feel so ashamed that they saw that. I try my best to clean. It's just very hard with mobility issues. My place is too cluttered to hire anyone to clean. I'm very upset now. I feel awful. I can't even think straight.

I'm sorry to hear that. I been there myself. I'm sure that this is normal for maintenance.

@Deilla

((((Honeybunny)))) I am so sorry you went through this! I can relate; I have struggled with cleaning and upkeep myself. I wish I could help you out somehow.

Thank you! I feel a little bit better after getting something to eat. I guess it isn't anything new to them. I have thought about seeing if my mom could help me out one Saturday. But a lot of it is stuff I have to organize. I guess I can make a list of what has to be done and then try to work on that list a little every day. Thanks again! I appreciate the support.

@Deilla

Or a little once a week. I try to set realistic goals for myself. I would love to be able to clean up my apartment in one afternoon, but that is not realistic for me. I do what I can and let the pattern emerge on it's own.

Does that sound reasonable to you? I ask because I know when I set goals for myself that aren't in line with what I actually CAN do, I feel worse about myself. Am I making sense? I am not trying to tell you what to do, I am just sharing some of my experiences in cleaning and keeping up my apartment.


For example, I try to clean up a little at a time where it needs it the most. Like, when I go to the bathroom, I do a little there. If I am up to it, when I am in my kitchen, I do a tiny bit there, also. When I go back to those rooms and I see what I have done, I feel a little bit better about myself.

Take it one step at the time and don't feel guilty about it. You can only do what you feel like doing. No pressure! Try to clean something every day, without pressure. Do what you can. Take baby steps and remember that you're in no hurry. Every time you're able to accomplish something, reward yourself for what you've done and do something nice for yourself, like buying a nice dress that you've been wanting for a ling time or eating an ice cream or some other food or relax and watch some TV or do a nice walk or anything like that. Hopefully that will help a bit! Remember to only do what you feel like doing and that that's ALL that someone can ask out of you, whether they like it or not! Try not to think too much of what others may think, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Deilla, your Faily, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Remember that we're ALL here for you when you need us! Keep fighting! We'll ALL be REALLY HAPPY and REALLY GLAD to help so please feel free to PM me or the others ANYTIME when you need ADVICE AND SUPPORT! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

Big hugs. I really feel for you.

When I can't face a chore, I put on one song that I really like singing along to. And do some cleaning to it. Abba, or something... The singing switches off my mind so I don't become overwhelmed by thinking too much.

Yes, that makes sense. Every day would be hard for me since I have a basic routine I have to follow each day. I like the idea you have of picking up where I go. I think I will try that on days I clean. I may just set a couple of days a week to work on my place.

Another thing that occurred to me: I cannot plan ahead. I mean I have to wait until that day to see how I am that day. It is almost impossible for me to set appointments and promise that I can keep them because I don't know how I will be until that morning.

OMG, it SUCKS!!! Sorry for the bad wording but that is the truth. It completely and utterly sucks in the worst way and it also makes me NUTS!

sigh

But, it is my reality and I have to accept it. Some days are better than others, of course, and somehow I try to keep moving forward. I think that is why the tiny bits at a time helps me because I can be washing my hands and clean off the bathroom sink and wipe it down. Then, when I go back in, I put some items back in place. The little 30 or 45 seconds of cleaning helps because it adds up. And I see it add up in front of my very eyes. Plus, it is really nice to walk into my kitchen and see my sink empty because my dishes are washed and put away.

Thank you! You're absolutely right. I can only do what I can do. And really there's no one judging me but me. If I manage to get my place together, it will be for me. I like the idea of rewards. I'll have to get creative. Thanks again!

Thank you! It seems fun to do work to some music. I usually run around with my wireless headphones on. That way the sound is crisp in my ears no matter where I go. If I could sing and not disturb the neighbors, I would lol! I think if the neighbors heard me sing, they would shriek in agony. Haha!

I feel for you and I’m right there with you often. I care for a disabled brother and an elderly mother both of whom can’t live alone and the house is a constant struggle to keep presentable even without depression. Sometimes I cringe when people come in.

You are doing the best job you can and I hope you’ll give yourself some credit for that. I wish you the very best in coming up with a system that works for you and helps you feel better. (((safe hugs)))

I can relate to what you're saying. I've tried to plan a day ahead, but that doesn't work for me very well. Like you said, I don't know what my energy level will be like until the morning. If I'm feeling really good one day, I find I am more productive around the house as well.

Thank you! It really helps to know I'm not alone. We're all doing the best we can.

You know what. Unless you have deliberately done something illegal or completely immoral I don’t think you should feel shame or guilt. You’re doing the best you can to get through each day, just like the rest of us. That said...sometimes when I have felt embarrassed, that feeling has motivated me to change something about my life. So it would be reasonable to feel a bit frustrated and embarrassed if you didn’t like the appearance of your home when visitors came... and use that as motivation to make a change you’ve been wanting to make... but there’s no reason to feel ashamed, especially in the comfort of your own home.

I had such an experience years ago. It is terrible! Hope it helps a bit to know that you are not the only one with such an experience!

Hi Deilla, I can SO relate. There is nothing I love better than a beautiful clean home, but I despair of ever having one. And the thing Happy said about not being able to plan ahead because you don't know how you're going to be that day, is so so true. Heck, you may hardly be able to get out of bed.

Recently I had a physical therapist coming to the house twice a week to help me post total knee replacement, and I nearly perished from shame. It's not that I don't see the mess, I just don't have the energy to do anything about it much of the time. (By the way, if you pay attention to your energy curve you may find that there is a certain time of day that you generally have a little more. Mine is in the morning, so if something really matters to me I try to get it done then. After lunch my motivation returns to 0.)

A suggestion: I learned about a compassionate cleaning book right here on this forum called "Unf*ck Your Habitat: You're Better Than Your Mess" by Rachel Hoffman. I got it for my iPhone Kindle app through Amazon, and I like the author's tone. She realizes that not everyone is a Martha Stewart or has the energy of a Martha Stewart. She realizes some of us have a mental illness to deal with.

Anyway, hang in there. Truly, you are FAR more than your mess.

Maintenance showed up again today. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and when I got home, I was tired and took a nap. While I was sleeping, maintenance opened my door and came in. I jumped up out of bed and asked why he was here. I didn't even have a bra on. I felt like my personal space had been invaded. He said he had a work order to fix my tub stopper. I didn't put the order in and I didn't know anything about it. He said maintenance yesterday put the order in. Why did no one tell me? It doesn't seem fair that someone can enter your home while you're dead asleep. This guy is still working on the tub. He left for lunch but will be back soon with a chisel and hammer. He says the stopper broke in the drain. He warned me it's going to get loud. I could care less about how my place looks right now. I'm more upset about this intrusion.

Thank you so much! I will look into that book. It sounds helpful!

@Mopey I just read the intro to that book, I'm excited to read more of this book and see how it can help me. I like the way she writes. And it's so true what she is saying.