Desperately looking for help

I am depressed for some time. Severely. I have to go to work every day because I want to provide for my child. But I hate every minute of commute and most of sitting at work. I think those people at my work at worst hate me (some told me that, but they did not state the reason as they really don't know me and I didn't do anything to hurt them even a little), at best they are totally indifferent. I could as well die there in the office they wouldn't even notice. I have no friends, no one really likes me and I fear that I am a really bad parent (single parent, father is far far away with his second family) because my depression and anxiety are affecting my child and I can see that. People either don't like me, with no reason at all, I am just unlikable, or they do not notice me, which is kinda worse. As I am older they notice me less and less. I suspect one day I will just disappear as person. I tried to seek help EVERYWHER, I tried, I really did. Meditation, neurologist, medications, therapists, sports, crafts, work, nothing worked. I am so incredibly alone. No one likes me, no one wants me. I even failed as parent and I tried my best. Wherever I go, no one likes me, even my therapist visibly disliked me although she tried not to show it. I was working so much but it seems there are no results, my work is never apprecciated, I even liked when I got negative reviews, better than just nothing. Sport I liked, but my stupid health issues and age are getting on the way more and more, it sucks all the joy from working out.
Men tell me that I look good, but no one ever approaches me. Even if someone does, it is just to get physical. No one wants more from me. They even tell me that. They don't care to know anything about me, they don't want any future but well sex would be nice. I am so tired.
I tried to seek help on different web sites too in oh so many ways. Again, no one cares. No one sees my work, my drawings, stories, no one cares if I write that I am incredibly sad and need, really need help. I am always ignored. I deleted FB, twitter and instagram accounts because there were no followers for me, and no one cared about my stupid "art". No one cared about anything I have to say, just like in real life. I do not exist. I could be prostitute maybe, because it seems, at least until I am 50 (which is close) I am only good for that.
Let me tell you, people do not like introverts and depressed people. No one likes me because I am quiet, sad and alone. I can not find help. I do not expect it here either. But I can say at least I tried.

I think at first you must love yourself.you have a job,a child,you can breath ,see,hear,walk .you must pray for them i think at least your child loves you.you are one and precious even i do not know you i wanna you to be happy,loved.sorry if i disturb you what i have written.

Well, you sound quite likable to me @Biba_yu, and I know those feelings of isolation as well. Of trying your best but feeling like you're always going backwards. Backwards into the swamp. Yes, it's a strange lonely world all right Biba_yu. That's why I logon to this site - I don't feel so alone in my struggles here and I hope you don't feel so alone as well sometimes, friend.

I've been posting in the General Social Chat section on this site quite a bit lately, which has been good for helping me release some of my inner thoughts and feelings - which no one would ever know otherwise. So, that's been taking away some of the loneliness for me. Seems to help reduce my depressive episodes a bit quicker too, but it's early to say.

Keep reaching out friend. We're all in the same boat, I feel.

Thank you, Mode.Of.Soul. I already been to this site few years ago but I did not found any relief so I tried different things, other things, so many things. It doesn't help. Nothng help. I know, life is short. I know I should enjoy what I have, but still fail to do that. Even worse, I feel pressured to be happy, to enjoy things, because tomorrow might be late. Because bad things can happen, I could feel like I had it all now, but I did not enjoy it and then it's too late. Do I sound confising? It's like when you save for some great vacation trip you always wanted, and when you finally can go you feel pressured to enjoy every moment of it, and that feeling, that pressure, ruins it for you. Life is leaving, my youth is leaving and I still can't enjoy life as it is. Why? What is wrong with me? And why can't I just be alone and not care even if no one in the world likes me? Why do I need approval?

Very welcome @Biba_yu.

No, it's not confusing. What you're saying is very familiar to me actually, and I think these feelings of not being enough, not doing enough, not being able to enjoy anything, stem from the twin nemesis of anxiety and depression, yes. I have terrible anxiety in conjunction with depression and it does rob a person of enjoyment, Biba_yu, just as you describe. It's awful.

But years ago now, I said to myself, no, I need to be able to enjoy at least the natural things in life; the forest, the beach, hiking, the birds chirping in the trees. And so that's where my joys come from today. But also appreciating - when I'm not feeling so messed up - the goodness in people. They're like lights that help me through the dark tunnel. Enriching my life a little, Biba_yu.

Yes, anxiety & depression. Very stubborn beasts, friend, and I'm hoping you will find, very soon, some things to decorate your inner being with. Some nice things.

I'm sending you a hug, Biba_yu.

What other thoughts are troubling you? (((hug!)))

I think maybe movies and popular series are doing a lot of damage, maybe even social medias. Everyone has a lot of caring friends, all around are perfect relationships, everyone is ready to help... especially when someone is severely depressed. They want to help, like everyone wants to help, even if depressed person refuses it at first. We have expectations of life. And we see... how we are getting older and older. I can see that literally in mirror, in photos, and most of all, my health and my stamina which are disappearing slowly. My life is slowly passing by. And where are my friends? Where are parties, vacations, fun? Where is my, if not boyfriend, at least, lover? Where is love for me? If I say I am depressed, people just leave me alone. They just go. I had friends and they also left me. I was too much of work, not enough fun at depression times.

Where are those people who will help me? Where are my friends? At least someone who will like my work which I offered for free? No one? I know there are things forbidden to write on this forum, which I understand as it could push some people over the edge. But what about us who are thinking about it? Who will help us? Where are those lovely friends and boyfriends we see on tv? Where are those parties and sun and life? Why am I just older and sadder every day? And I can't even say what am I thinking about because it is too horrible? And I could get banned. My life is very very lonely.

Sometimes having a pet makes you happy .when you are with your cats and dogs.you do not fell alone.they love you ,they miss you. You can play with them.you can watch them eating,drinking...i am the luckiest person who have the friends like balsac and snowball which are my cats...

I do have cats, two female kitties, I especially love the older one Marcy, she is black and white, but I really need people too. I am beginning to think I am really just a trash of person when no one likes me. And yes, I fell in love with most cats and dogs I see and I always carry treats for strays, but people... people don't see me, I am invisible, or at best, just unlikable. It makes me think how awful I must be, I can't even get a freaking date, and I don't even look bad. So it must be my personality, I am just bad as human. Something is really wrong with me.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are a WONDERFUL human being just the way you are! Unfortunately other people can be really mean and quick to judge people they deem "different" from them! That doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you're doing anything wrong, really! You are trying to do your best and that's ALL and EVERYTHING we Humans can do, right? Please keep trying. I am sure your Child loves you very much. I am sure he/she's seeing your effort in raising him or her alone and all by yourself. He/she will appreciated when he/she gets older, I am sure of that! In the meantime, please keep taking care of yourself. Don't waste your time with people who DON'T like you for whatever reasons. Look for friends near your zone based on activities you already like to do. Sports is a great idea to meet some friends and some new people in my opinion. Perhaps start from that if you haven't tried it already? It doesn't have to be anything too fancy, even just a short walk can be ok! Please do give it a thought! I am REALLY HAPPY you have your Pets there with you at least! Please keep writing here... I hope ALL of this helps you a little at least! Keep trying your best for BOTH your own good and for your Child as well! I am SURE He/She will recognize your effort and will be thankful for EVERYTHING that you're doing right now! Hit me up when you need someone to talk to or vent to. I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY happy and REALLY glad to help you out as well! Keep fighting and keep rocking! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Biba_yu, your Family, your Friends, your Children, your Relatives, your Therapists, your Pdocs, your Doctors, your nurses, your Social Workers and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

That is really sweet of you, @MickeyCheeky! But regardless of me being nice person or not, I still have no friends. I have no idea what am I doing wrong, but obviously something is wrong. I always had trouble getting and keeping friends. Even when there were people I genuinely liked and considered friends, they obviously did not have same opinion. Everywhere I look they say "you have to love yourself", and "you should be comfortable and happy alone" and such... Do things, be busy, have hobbies... until when? I am getting old, I have hobbies, I have job, it's not that I don't love myself (in normal amount), still alone and always alone. Friends that I had just leave me with no regrets whatsoever, why? No one misses me, even little? I think I am too lonely, yes I have child but I am noticing same problems with her and it bothers me a lot. I am bad influence, really bad.

I don't know what else to do. I work out, love sport, I was a writer (failed), an illustrator, comic artist, I have a job, I don't have much free time, I tried therapy, medications, meditation, all of that. When I joined sport club (I now work out alone) I still did not got to know anyone. Still alone and it bothers me, bothers me a lot. Why I can't even get a date? Dating apps are just horrible, I even tried that, some men lied about their marriage status, and other dates were just boring without any spark from both sides. I gave up. I am tired. I am maybe too old to get friends, and don't even know where and how anymore.

I love your positive energy but it seems I am so much older than you. I used to be very positive up to several years ago. Then I started to slowly give up. Now as I am getting older and it really starts to show it freaks me out, really it's scary, and I am desperate to start to live, to love, to have friends, but nothing happens. It's not that I didn't try but nothing works. If I failed in any social contacts when I was 25 or 35 and much more happy and positive person than I am now, and wasn't even depressed at the time, how am I getting to meet anyone now?

@Biba_yu

Yes, love and support - in real life.

Well, the truth is, I'm one of the worst people to offer solutions to love and loneliness as I'm basically in the same boat. Have been for years. That's why I logon to this site, to relieve that loneliness, to relieve that depression. I have only two newfound friends in real life, and I had to become a rock bottom alcoholic to find them in the first place - at Alcoholics Anonymous, you see.

I think focus all your love and energy into your little baby Biba_yu, giving her that love which you aren't receiving yourself. And, of course, I believe you're doing just that for your child. Friends, boyfriends, lovers - I don't have the answer I'm sorry. And I don't know why God needs to create these challenges for us either, unfortunately.

I'm sure you've tried this suggestion before, sorry if I've forgotten, but what about the tired old dating websites? I'll never use them myself, though, because my circumstances don't make me a good catch. Mental illness. Unemployment.

Continue to stay very strong in your spirit, friend. Endure the path of solitude with courage and self dignity, self love, and let go of any thoughts that make you want to make that final decision to leave the earth, please.

Support groups of some sort might be available in your area, Biba_yu.

Thanks @mote.of.soul, I think I understand you, maybe not completely, but in some extent for sure. I knew people who were quite alone and with no friends but who also did not need anyone. They were fine like that. Problem is, some of us aren't.

There are other problems with loneliness that makes it worse. The more lonely and depressed you are, it is harder for people to get to know you and to want to know you. You can have great personality, talents, you could be funny, smart, but thanks to depression you will be reduced to whiny, sad, miserable person that no one wants to know better. Maybe that is the problem with depression, it destroys personalities or rather hides it. Most people do not want to bother with sad, depressed persons, even on this or similar forums.

Question is, how to get out of that prison, made by depression, forget seeking permanent apptoval of others, which you will never get, be just happy with yourself and who you are, with life, sun, and the fact you can breathe. How to be alone and happy? How to enjoy life even if everyone you ever loved betrayed you? Why is it so hard?

Yes, very, very good questions @Biba_yu. Questions to which the answers don't come very easily for me. And questions which I myself have asked many times, as well.

Stay strong in your heart and soul friend, and I'd like to respond to your post a bit later on, as I need to log off for a while.

Sending you peace of heart and mind, Biba_yu.

Hi @Biba_yu, I hope you're managing okay today.

Well, I've been pondering these questions of, "How to be alone and happy? How to enjoy life even if everyone you ever loved betrayed you? Why is it so hard?", and all I can say is that in my struggles with my own life, I was taken so low to the point of suicide [you will relate to that part] that all I was left with was my spiritual relationship to a higher power - sorry if you are now feeling a little annoyed. But I'm lucky because that higher power - my spiritual side, if you will - responded in a very concrete way. And through that, I was able to see and appreciate the value in many of the coping skills, strategies and ideas, which had already been shown to me, I had tried to utilize in the past, but that had not worked for me. Now though, because I had come out of a very dark, dark hole, I could appreciate the value in those things. Because there is value there.

I'm not floating on a cloud nine, though. As I say, I'm coping.

So, that's probably not helpful for you at all, but I felt I needed to think about and respond to those questions you put forward, in an honest way.

But if you have a spirituality Biba_yu, a belief in a God perhaps, what about the church? I've never been to church voluntarily but it's obvious to me that, in one way, they're all there for support, friend.

Hi @mote.of.soul,

thank you for answer! I understand what you are saying, I think. I was searching for this kind of spirituality that would suit me, still haven't find it. But I am hoping not to give up. My problem is, I am very impatient, that gets me in a lot of trouble, and I can't find my peace of mind because that mind is always wandering somewhere. Maybe I have ADD or something, never checked it. I tried meditation but (and I am REALLY sorry to say that(, I found it boring. I am still not spiritual enough for church, and art... I loved art up until I became too critical of my own work to enjoy the process of creating. It spoiled everything. Sport is still great, but sometimes can feel like a chore, because it requires so much discipline. Still, I would not like to give up that, hope not.
People and friends...
Maybe I am so desperate for approval of others, I am not even myself, and I am so tense that I look strange to others. I think about every word I say, I am very self-aware, I try so hard not to say something stupid, boring or hurtful, that every little conversation exhausts me. Maybe that is the problem. I am also introvert, and communication is hard for me, always been. I would love to have friends with whom I would be comfortable, but I still haven't found any. I feel like a failure. Everyone can have friends, why can't I.
I have gone a little off topic now, sorry, I understand what you wrote, and I think maybe I know the feeling, at least partially. I see value of things, but sometimes, I see time passing by and it frightens me. I think we should learn technique of mindfulness, but I need to find out how as I have no idea what that is. I just know it's a technique that teaches you to live in moment.

Do you think it’s possible someone has reached out to you and you haven’t realized it? I ask this because I have felt like you are feeling at times in my life and I haven’t noticed when people actually were making attempts to connect to me because I was so closed off I didn’t see it. I also focused so much on the people who were closing doors on me that I didn’t see where others were standing at open doors for me. When I feel really low I am convinced nobody cares and that I will always be alone. Anxiety and depression is indeed a mean and vicious cycle. I’ve gone through it recently and I’m still trying to fight my way out of it. I know how much it keeps sinking you down further and further. Don’t lose hope. Believe in yourself. Put your head up and keep going.