I think im depressed.

Hey everyone. I actually posted my last thread here in 2015 and kind of had a lot happen between then.

First, I stopped seeing my therapist after 2.5 years. I went to my GP after not going for 6 and had 2 physical checkups so far + blood work all normal. Im not sure if you remember me or not but heres a bit of a backstory.

I have severe hypochondria. So I didnt go to my GP for like 6 years. Finally, I went because I was (still am) convinced that I have cervical cancer. My doctor ordered ultrasounds (I also thought I had uterine/ovarian cancer) all that came back normal. I was on antidepressants for a year but then I realized that nothing AT ALL will help me at this point.

Fast forward, a few months ago I lost my grandpa. He was my everything. He made me feel calm, relaxed, loved. He had cancer. Now, I feel like this is my end. I feel ****** suicidal. I am angry ALL the time, and tbh i'm scared to drive because I get angry and Im surprised I havent gotten into an accident yet.

Like at this point might as well die than find out something wrong, especially after what I saw my amazing grandpa go through.

Here is what I am currently going through:

* The reason i am convinced I have cervical cancer is because since like 2014 I spotted in between periods. So maybe like a year ago I started birth control, which minimized the spotting but still happened. Then a few months ago my doctor switched it to another birth control pill which actually stopped the spotting unless I skip the placebo pills. BUT i read an article that a girl would get spotting if she skipped her placebo pills and the doctor didnt take her seriously and she died *

1- My doctor (who is super smart) told me that I dont need to have a pap smear unless I am sexually active (I am NOT and have never been)

2- My grandpa had tests done that didnt show anything then a month later boom he had cancer... so clearly im not trusting my doctor or anyone for that matter

3- I googled A LOT of articles about girls who were not sexually active yet still got cervical cancer and died + google says that girls should get it at 21 regardless of their sexual history

4- I am afraid to go tell my doctor I want a pap smear because then it means I have to get naked + worry for WEEKS about results so I would probably do god knows what waiting

5- Im at the point where it's like okay I want to get tests done (now or in the future) but if theres something wrong I dont want to know so i'm basically STUCK. I stopped taking medication for my anxiety because my doctor said it meant I would need blood tests every 6 months.. Imagine that. ON TOP OF THAT I have to take ativan or xanax just to get my HPV shots which I skipped on in grade 8

6- I have an appt with my GP this week because I want to tell her what I feel like how I dont trust her because of what happened with my grandpa and all but I dont know how to say it. I know shes just gonna say go to therapy and start medication again but none of them worked.

I'm so so sorry if this is long but i really REALLY need some help. Thank you <3

You're going through A LOT, @AnxiousGirl! Yes, I can definitely see how you Hypchondria may be at play here as well as your Anxiety. You've said you've stopped seeing your Therapist. Can you tell us why? I feel like a Therapist may be REALLY useful to you right now. It does seem like you're having some troubles when it comes to trusting your Doctors. I feel like a GOOD Therapist may help you to cope with EVERYTHING that is going on right now, ESPECIALLY since your Grandfather passed away. I am SO SORRY for your Los! :sadhhug: You will need time to Grieve so please do take ALL the time you need to process the Loss of your AMAZING Grandfather! Don't forget to take care of yourself as well, too! It is hard, but I am afraid that you will have to trust your Doctors. You've said that your current one is super smart so I'd put your trust in Him or Her. After all, He/She is there to help you! Yes, that won't give you 100% certainty, but at the very least you can stay reasonably assured. Plus, your Grandfather probably had a certain age and unfortunately "surprises" of this kind can come up when you're Old! However,y you're young so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Also, please avoid reading articles on the Internet as it seems like they may fuel your Anxiety. Please do stay safe! I am not sure whether you should ask your Doctor to make a Pap Smear, but if you feel like it may make you even more Anxious, and that you may be even MORE dangerous to Yourself or Others, perhaps it's best to wait. I certainly hope you'll be able to find a good Therapist. If your last one didn't help you too much, don't give up! There are plenty of them and hopefully you'll be able to find the right match! Please be kind to yourself and STAY SAFE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @anxious, Girl, your Family, your Friends, your Grandfather, your Parents, your Relatives, your Brothers, your Sisters, your Buddies, your Pals, your Cousins, your Uncles, your Mates, your Comrades, your Compatriots, your Nephews, your Doctors, your Therapists, your Pdocs, your GPs, your Psychiatrists, your Neurologists, your Nurses, your Social Workers and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

Thanks so much for your message <3