Why do i..

I try and not think about the day or it gets me ..scared it's like my hell is in my head. Last 2 days i have just gotten in my car and driven around on the country roads..i live in the country..blast some music and just drive as fast as i want...and think. I have been welcoming a voice again in my head. Actually, it is because of this voice that i have any happiness at all. This other entity in me tells me how i am better than i think and i can do what i want..now the other voice is like nope, and has examples of where i am a failure. It's like a argument in my head but lately i am enjoying the kind one. I have always felt like there are 2 of me. I am not schizophrenic..seen a psychiatrist.I am not bipolar either. Complicated grief...my Mother was dying when i was 6 and i became her main caregiver until she died when i was 12. I lived with my Aunt and Uncle (Love them like parents) my older sister and brother and many many cousins...etc...so i have felt blessed somewhat because of all these people. Wish my Mother had never been sick but can not change past. I feel i am onto discovering myself sometimes and something stops it..work for one that's a big one yet i love most of the aspects of my work.This is hard to achieve..feelings of no guilt. Thought i could save my Mother and than my husband 3 years ago. I want to feel motivation for myself but do not know how is it want..? So used to feeling this way..

Hello, Shelda.
Personal Opinion Only: You may be closest to discovering yourself when you are not attempting to discover yourself.

Your drives in the countryside sound most mentally refreshing.

I personally agree with this. ((( hugs )))

I have felt misery for so long its become a part of me. Changing voices in my head... i just got a phone call from this other widow . Her and I may start doing things together. Like yoga and book clubs..i am not sure if i want to do anything. Have been so used to being alone and not doing anything with anyone else but myself..its like getting back into living is scary.