I'm just like my parents [Trigger warning]

I am a 20 year old mother. I have a 2 year old and am pregnant with my second. I have had depression since I was 8 after taking care of my grandpa for months before he died from cancer. I started self harming at 9. I attempted suicide twice by the time I was 13. I love my husband so much, and when I met him, most of my problems seemed to go away.

But, 3 months after having our first son, my mother committed suicide and she left a note blaming me for her death. My family kicked me and my newborn out, and shunned me for months. I lost all of my friends, I dropped out of college. I was forced to marry 3 days after being kicked out because my husbands family is very religious and wouldn't agree to us living together without being married.

It has been over a year since this all happened. Yet I still barely talk to family, my husbands family just puts up with me, as they know I am not super religious. I'm a stay at home mom. I have not spoken or even texted someone outside of in laws or family in over 2 years.

Now my husbands parents are starting to separate themselves from us as well, because they do not like my husbands choice of who to have a family with.. he is suffering without his parents. I often go weeks or months without directly speaking to anyone other than my husband and toddler.

If I died and he didn't say anything, no one would know. Now that his parents are starting to shun us, I believe he and everyone would be better off if I was gone. I think that after i have this baby, i might go out. But without the dramatic notes and guilt trips. I don't want anyone to feel guilty. If I die before him, I just hope my husband can find a better wife that his family can accept and move forward in life.

Hello Booear: I see this is your first post here on PC. So...welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you have experienced so much difficulty in your young life. Hopefully being on PC can be of some comfort & support.

Two additional forums, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Relationships & Communication forum & the Grief & Loss forum. Here are links to these forums:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

https://psychcentralforums.com/grief-and-loss/

You might also check out the Coping with Emotions forum:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

You wrote that after you have your baby, you might go out; but without the dramatic notes and guilt trips your mother left behind. You didn't mention if you're seeing any mental health professionals (a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist.) But if you're not, I'd like to strongly encourage you to do so.

The thoughts you're struggling with are depression talking. One thing that happens, when a person is feeling suicidal, is that their ability to see the options that are available to them gradually narrows until it seems as though suicide is the best, perhaps the only, option. However there are almost always other options. And while suicide, if it's successful, (there's no guarantee) may end the pain for you, it will echo down the generations to come starting with your children. Is that a legacy you'd want to leave them? Please reach out, in real life, for the help you need.

Here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) can be of some help:

Cognitive Distortions: The Lies Depression Tells

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...ing-mechanism/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Aww I’m so sorry to hear this.
I can relate to being just like my mother in many ways, mostly bad.
I hope you will like this community in here.

Hi Booear,

It sounds like you're going through a pretty rough time. Is there any social relationships you (and your husband) can make? Maybe some people that live nearby or maybe meet some people in the park if you can bring your 2 year old? Sounds like you're pretty isolated and it's great that you realize that. You're very self-aware which is great. I'm sure you would make a great friend.

Hang in there!

All the best,
GordenLing

Skeezyks is wise.
Please do try to find social outlets for you and your child, check in your area for mom and toddler groups (the Y often has good programs and scholarships if you don't have the money for a membership), the feelings you are having and the situation you are in is intensified by your isolation. If you can't do it for you do it for your child. (also there are places that have activities (crafts/other) for parent and child). Do you, husband and child do things together just for fun?
I am so sorry for all you have been through, it must be difficult to manage each day. Hang in there & welcome to PC. (((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))

also---there are peer support groups for people who are dealing with the suicide of another----