Saying no

Fuzzybear · Dec 02, 2019 at 03:35 PM

Some people have no problems saying no. And in so doing, probably hurting others.

Have people here found a way of saying “no” gently?

Even when I say no, some people find a way of violating my boundaries

TishaBuv · Dec 02, 2019 at 04:43 PM

Sure, I’ve said ‘no’ in a gentle way, and given logical reasons for why. Sometimes the person understands and is accepting. Sometimes they get angry. The ones that get angry are usually the ones who were looking to take advantage of you and weren’t really a good friend in the long run.

Thirty shades · Dec 02, 2019 at 05:39 PM

Even when we say

kindly, there are some who will go ahead and violate boundaries. It is more of a reflection of who they are.

Sending much love to you dear Fuzzy

sarahsweets · Dec 04, 2019 at 12:24 AM

I never say no right away, I hit the pause button and ask if I can get back to someone. Then if after thinking about it I say no but without explaination other than its just for me.\

Thirty shades · Dec 04, 2019 at 03:34 AM

I had to say no to someone being unreasonable yesterday....

I felt awful but I realised that I am worthy of some respect too. I found some self respect and calmly and friendly declined...

It still has not been taken well

LilyMop · 11:20 AM

I have always believed in being direct and giving honest answers. I prefer to just be up front and say no. It causes problems though.

It seems to be generally well accepted if you lie and make up excuses or don’t even give an answer at all. I find people don’t mind that at all.

Recently a friend kindly declined an invite to dinner, telling me she wanted to stay home that day. She was extremely nice about it but I had a funny feeling. I felt annoyed and didn’t know why I felt annoyed.

Then later I heard her talking about how she went over to a neighbors house that same day I had invited her out and how much fun she had.

It wasn’t that big a deal but I would have preferred she just said no and that she had other plans. I will never invite her to do anything again. Not because she said no but because she wasn’t up front with me. It made me wonder what else is she not saying.

I don’t mind people telling me no and I prefer if people just be honest. If someone tells me no and I get a funny feeling, I am not likely to ask again.

Mendingmysoul · Dec 04, 2019 at 11:40 AM

Always had hard time saying no .But I am trying to change now.I am fed up with manipulators and selfish people.Guess what?? I started enforcing boundaries saying no to manipulation and deciept. And instantly I became A bad person ??????A couple of long term relationships have gone sour.

LilyMop · Dec 04, 2019 at 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Always had hard time saying no .But I am trying to change now.I am fed up with manipulators and selfish people.Guess what?? I started enforcing boundaries saying no to manipulation and deciept. And instantly I became A bad person ??????A couple of long term relationships have gone sour.

Yes. This has happened in my life too. It’s a difficult challenge.

Thirty shades · Dec 04, 2019 at 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Always had hard time saying no .But I am trying to change now.I am fed up with manipulators and selfish people.Guess what?? I started enforcing boundaries saying no to manipulation and deciept. And instantly I became A bad person ??????A couple of long term relationships have gone sour.

Manipulators are the worst people to say no to. But do we need them as friends? It is always sad when someone we care about cannot accept us with the same respect we afford them.

Mendingmysoul · Dec 04, 2019 at 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

Manipulators are the worst people to say no to. But do we need them as friends? It is always sad when someone we care about cannot accept us with the same respect we afford them.

I could decipher the manipulation, but went along because of my own fears.I feared loss of relationship,even a fake one.Thats my pathology to own.But I am working on my own weaknesses. So started to enforce boundaries.And poof....People are becoming strangers in an instance.

Mendingmysoul · Dec 04, 2019 at 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyMop

Yes. This has happened in my life too. It’s a difficult challenge.

So sorry lily that happened to you. And yes it is a challenge.

Serpentine Leaf · Dec 04, 2019 at 01:26 PM

We live in a culture that thinks "not taking no for an answer" is something admirable. A refusal to accept someone's "no" is a refusal to accept that the person has rights that should be respected. Too many of us feel like we don't deserve respect and affection and that in order to have any kind of companionship, we have to give whatever the other person wants without regard to our own needs or feelings. The first time we finally start standing up for ourselves, the manipulators and users in our lives will push back against the boundaries we set up, or will take off and find a new source of whatever they're seeking.

Saying no can be hard, especially when it leads to someone pulling back, but even though it hurts to be alone and questioning yourself, it hurts much worse to be manipulated, used, and abused.

Thirty shades · Dec 04, 2019 at 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I could decipher the manipulation, but went along because of my own fears.I feared loss of relationship,even a fake one.Thats my pathology to own.But I am working on my own weaknesses. So started to enforce boundaries.And poof....People are becoming strangers in an instance.

I don't think it matters how we handle things with manipulators.

I have stood up for myself kindly but the same result. I think we have to be true to ourselves while respecting others. If someone is unreasonable then nothing we do will help unless we fawn and give up on any self respect.

will19 · Dec 04, 2019 at 06:38 PM

As I've gotten older, I find it easier to say "no" than I used to. I had a friend who would ask me to take him somewhere and I didn't want to go. I'd say "no" and the request would not stop. That irks me. I think that when people don't take no for an answer, it's usually means that something they had asked you for is a favor for them. It's all about doing something for them but it's not about you.

There had been many times when I lost out on some friendships because of saying "no". When that's the case, then they were not good friends to begin with.

Rohag · Dec 06, 2019 at 07:48 PM

Difficult. I was not "programmed" to say "no".

Here are a couple techniques I've used in different situations.
1. Offer a non sequitur on an unrelated subject that ignores their request.
2. Tell them you are taking their request "under advisement".
???

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Saying no

My Support Forums

Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,325 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Dec 02, 2019 at 03:35 PM #1 Some people have no problems saying no. And in so doing, probably hurting others. Have people here found a way of saying “no” gently? Even when I say no, some people find a way of violating my boundaries __________________
	Reply With Quote

Thirty shades Grand Magnate Member Since Jul 2018 Location: UK Posts: 4,799 (SuperPoster!) 5 16.2k hugs given	Dec 02, 2019 at 05:39 PM #3 Even when we say kindly, there are some who will go ahead and violate boundaries. It is more of a reflection of who they are. Sending much love to you dear Fuzzy
	Reply With Quote

sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Dec 04, 2019 at 12:24 AM #4 I never say no right away, I hit the pause button and ask if I can get back to someone. Then if after thinking about it I say no but without explaination other than its just for me.\ __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
	Reply With Quote

Thirty shades Grand Magnate Member Since Jul 2018 Location: UK Posts: 4,799 (SuperPoster!) 5 16.2k hugs given	Dec 04, 2019 at 03:34 AM #5 I had to say no to someone being unreasonable yesterday.... I felt awful but I realised that I am worthy of some respect too. I found some self respect and calmly and friendly declined... It still has not been taken well
	Reply With Quote

Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Dec 04, 2019 at 11:40 AM #7 Always had hard time saying no .But I am trying to change now.I am fed up with manipulators and selfish people.Guess what?? I started enforcing boundaries saying no to manipulation and deciept. And instantly I became A bad person ??????A couple of long term relationships have gone sour.
	Reply With Quote