Self-Sabotaging & I Don’t Know How to Stop!

Do you ever feel like, try as you might, you’ll never get better or be better... consistently.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. Though my relationships aren’t perfect, both my parents are alive, I have a huge family, made lots of friends since being in law school, friends from back home, & I graduate in less than 6 months.

But the problem is (or perhaps one of the problems), I have SO MUCH SELF-DOUBT & negative self-talk, I can’t even see my progression over the years!

I’ve been battling depression since I was 15, found out the root cause of it is hormonal at 22 (it’s in relation to my menstrual cycle). I’m 27 now & anyone who’s known me throughout that time would tell you I’ve done a complete 180. As I write this, I’m fully aware of that as well, but there are still issues relating to my mental health that I’ve not fixed & I don’t really know how to begin fixing them.

For instance, I’ve been prescribed Wellbutrin for about 6 years now & when I first got on it, the benefits were amazing! But for about a year now, I haven’t taken it consistently because I don’t notice the same benefits, despite being prescribed a higher dose. But I haven’t taken the steps to get a new drug prescribed either. Nor have I gotten a new therapist in the past 2 years since I’ve been in law school.

Also, the med situation affects my absenteeism at school. My school is very small & thus, my absence is noticeable; so it’s very embarrassing when a classmate of mine will ask me “why weren’t you in class yesterday” & I can’t conjure up a good enough answer for fear they’ll judge me.

Next, although I’m currently a lot more social than I was in college & towards the end of high school when I became increasingly more isolated, I fear that the isolation is happening again.

For about a year and a half I’ve been in an on again-off again relationship with a girl I met & cant seem to shake. We hit it off really really well in the beginning but I was conflicted because (1) she had 2 children with 2 guys whom apparently weren’t over her (note: I don’t have kids & never dated anyone with kids); (2) she wanted me to cut all contact with one of my recent exes before she & I were even exclusive, but failed to take inventory of her own relationships, i.e. her kid’s father sending her sexually inappropriate texts; and (3) she didn’t have a steady job & seemed perpetually down on her luck.

Nevertheless, I grew to love her & the kids so much that I ignored those red flags 🚩...until things came to a head this semester & she demanded I stop talking to one of my male friends because he made a pass at me while drunk a year ago 😒 to make matters worse, she found out we were still talking & began contacting his friends via his instagram page in search of his gf! Let’s just say that in light of all this (& I could be completely oblivious as to the real reasons), my group of closest friends no longer hang out with me nearly as much.

& every time I try to address it with them, they don’t answer directly. So I feel isolated & alone which makes me feel even more dependent on a relationship that clearly isn’t fruitful or healthy. As I write this, I’m at her apartment while she’s sleeping...after countless times of breaking up & getting back together, all because I don’t wanna be alone & I don’t wanna seem “thirsty” or desperate for friends so I don’t reach out to those I feel are shutting me out.

Idk...I try to keep a clear head about things but I do think there’s some validity to what I’m feeling. I mean...who would want to put up with someone who brings so much drama anyway?

Anyways, thanks in advance for reading all of this & I welcome your comments. ❤️

Hi @TorturedSoul92:

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Originally Posted by TorturedSoul92 For instance, I’ve been prescribed Wellbutrin for about 6 years now & when I first got on it, the benefits were amazing! But for about a year now, I haven’t taken it consistently because I don’t notice the same benefits, despite being prescribed a higher dose.

If you havent been taking it consistently it makes sense that you dont see any benefits. Those types of meds build up in your system and do not work here or there.

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But I haven’t taken the steps to get a new drug prescribed either. Nor have I gotten a new therapist in the past 2 years since I’ve been in law school.

So does this mean you see your old therapist still or no therapist?

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Also, the med situation affects my absenteeism at school. My school is very small & thus, my absence is noticeable; so it’s very embarrassing when a classmate of mine will ask me “why weren’t you in class yesterday” & I can’t conjure up a good enough answer for fear they’ll judge me.

This makes sense. If the meds are not working you would feel down and isolated. But your classmates have no business knowing why you missed class. I am sure its just a general query but you are not required to answer so do not worry about being judged.

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For about a year and a half I’ve been in an on again-off again relationship with a girl I met & cant seem to shake. We hit it off really really well in the beginning but I was conflicted because (1) she had 2 children with 2 guys whom apparently weren’t over her (note: I don’t have kids & never dated anyone with kids); (2) she wanted me to cut all contact with one of my recent exes before she & I were even exclusive, but failed to take inventory of her own relationships, i.e. her kid’s father sending her sexually inappropriate texts; and (3) she didn’t have a steady job & seemed perpetually down on her luck. Nevertheless, I grew to love her & the kids so much that I ignored those red flags 🚩...until things came to a head this semester & she demanded I stop talking to one of my male friends because he made a pass at me while drunk a year ago 😒 to make matters worse, she found out we were still talking & began contacting his friends via his instagram page in search of his gf!

PLease tell me you are no longer with this girl. Its 100% toxic and inappropriate on so many levels. I understand you like the kids but they are not your kids and they have fathers. You should not have to compromise your well being for them. And she should know better than to introduce a man into the situation when it could confuse her kids.

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Let’s just say that in light of all this (& I could be completely oblivious as to the real reasons), my group of closest friends no longer hang out with me nearly as much. & every time I try to address it with them, they don’t answer directly.

Have you apologized and told them you have left this woman? I think that may be the way to have them back in your life. She breached your friendships and I can see why they would be wary to start up again if she is still in the picture.

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So I feel isolated & alone which makes me feel even more dependent on a relationship that clearly isn’t fruitful or healthy. As I write this, I’m at her apartment while she’s sleeping...after countless times of breaking up & getting back together, all because I don’t wanna be alone & I don’t wanna seem “thirsty” or desperate for friends so I don’t reach out to those I feel are shutting me out.

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do
This is how I see it. Her back and forth is controlling you and she has all the power because you are vunerable. A lot of changes could be made in your life but I believe she is the catalyst and nothing will change or get better as long as you keep her in your life.

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Idk...I try to keep a clear head about things but I do think there’s some validity to what I’m feeling. I mean...who would want to put up with someone who brings so much drama anyway? Anyways, thanks in advance for reading all of this & I welcome your comments. ❤️

There is tons of validity to what you are saying. I dont mean to hammer you but I promise you as long as you are with her nothing will change. She wont change because she hasnt yet and you cant control or change other people.
Keep your chin up.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond! Your comments are really helpful.

I probably should’ve disclosed my gender just for clarity, but I’m a woman. Doesn’t change much, but just wanted to clear that up.

I’m not seeing a therapist although I know I should be.

As for the girl, I know there’s so much wrong with the situation & you’re right! Things will not change as long as she’s still in the picture. My best friend has told me this, I spoke to another friend who’s in a similar situation with her bf & she also said the same; that I shouldn’t try to rekindle these friendships until she’s out of the picture.

It seems I’ve gotten myself in such a bad situation & theres A LOT more but considering just what I wrote here, it says a lot that you’re able to assess the toxicity. It’s almost like a drug & I have to find some way to quit cold turkey.