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LundiHvalursson
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Default Jan 08, 2020 at 06:55 PM
  #41
I think that having VD is also a way that they can rub it in my face that I am a virgin and they are not. And even if not referring to me, they can use it as evidence that they get more sex than other people at the meetup group. But yes, it is similar to getting scars from accidents with wild animals than battle scars.

I grew up feeling like I had to be like a caveman, similar to my father. He is high-tempered, aggressive and often challenges people in person, i.e. shouting “The ***** you looking at?!” if someone looks at him too long. He has also admitted to having had numerous one-night stands when he was a teenager and in his 20s, something that I never did. Not that I ever had the chance in the first place even. In fact, I have three half-brothers because of this. He messed up and got women pregnant when he was young. That is why all three of my half-brothers are in their mid-40s. Having zero relationship and sexual experience at 30 means that he often sees me as a flawed loser who failed his masculine duties.
I suppose that since I heavily take after my mother, in that I am shy, reserved, timid, anxious, plus have Asperger’s and several anxiety disorders, all of which she has as well, that I never really got along with my father like with my mother. That is not to say that my mother lets people push her around—she does not take ***** from anyone and is quite outspoken. Similar to me right now as well, I guess.
Making relationships has been hard, and it does not help that I already have multiple problems. I feel like I never really relate here. My interests are on a different planet compared to others. My interests are deemed as weird or useless.

I am a very stoic, serious person who shows close to no emotion in terms of neither facial expression nor body language. I am essentially a stick figure with a poker face. However, when I have serious problems, I do sometimes cry. Like when I think about this issue. There are very few other issues that affect me more than this one. However, since I was a boy, my father often told me to shut up and stop crying. My mother did not really mind. I feel messed up internally and externally. Tears are in my eyes when I think about how much of a failure I feel, and in public this is not the best look. As if I did not already appear weird physically to other people without this.

It is a black hole. And I hope to not be hospitalised due to depression. I am already close to 2015 levels though, like back when I was 25-26. I think that what has happened is that the total collection of insults and negative comments has become internalised, and they keep repeating over and over in my head like a broken record.

I try to tell myself not think of myself as a failure due to being always single at this age, but it is like my brain provides evidence to prove the contrary. Then I end up stuck in this circular cycle.
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Default Jan 09, 2020 at 01:39 PM
  #42
No wonder you had to cut off from your father's side of the extended family if they all embraced that way of thinking. Am I correct in assuming they're all supporters of the giant orange?

One of the earliest ASD online support groups is called Wrong Planet. I looked at it several years ago and at that time it wasn't very active, but it might be different now if you care to look it up. You're in a place of raw, unrestrained id but you have deep intellectual interests. You won't fit in there and can't beat yourself up for that. It's great that you have that closeness and connection with your mom at least. Some people don't even have that.

The "boys don't cry" nonsense is one of the many harmful aspects of toxic masculinity. Emotion, and its expression, has no gender. Expressing emotion is doubly difficult for you with that kind of a father and family, and being on the spectrum. Added to that is being immersed in a culture that demands even greater over-the-top extroversion that most of the US. I really think that once you're in a different place, your views and feelings will change in a more positive direction.

That cycle is very hard to break and has swirled through my mind too. I'll again recommend the self-compassion website if you haven't had the chance to go through any of it yet. Some other things that have helped are journaling to get it out and immediately focusing on something else to prevent myself from ruminating over it, and working out to activate my mind and body together.

Please listen to the voices that uplift you, not the ones that drag you down. A lot of us have been trained to think badly of ourselves, but that cycle has to be broken. I know first-hand how hard that is. You have support here, Lundi.
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LundiHvalursson
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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 03:55 AM
  #43
I know for a fact that quite a few of them do. My father’s family have a very clear vision of how they think that males and females should behave. However, since my father is half Spanish, quite a lot of my father’s family are also supporters of the fascist ex-dictator of Spain, Francisco Franco, who was essentially Spain’s version of a mix of Hitler and Mussolini. Not much explanation is needed to see why I often could not get along with them. I think that I often was asked if I were asexual, or gay, or mentally ill, or retarded or whatever because I was unable to meet someone and have a girlfriend. Their views of people who they think are not like everyone else, such as gays or vegetarians/vegans are not favourable. I am not even going to repeat them here.

I think that WrongPlanet have more activity now. However, for some reason, especially on the Love and Dating section of that site, there are, how to say, quite a lot of arseholes who seem to get a kick out of making fun of others instead of answering questions of people who need serious advice. Not sure what their problem is.

I definitely hid any sort of crying or tears as a child with my father was around. Again, I was a bit odd in that I did not cry as much as other children. Even my mother said that as a baby, strangely I often did not cry that much, but rather had that blank facial expression that I usually do. But still, if I did feel like crying, I usually just held it in.

I have a souvenir journal from Europe, but I have not written in it for a while. I suppose that I just felt too down to write again. I can try it again, though. I will probably have to return to that self-compassion website. My mind is really scattered for the past week, and I cannot seem to remember simple things.

It is hard. I think that the passing of time and my 30th birthday three months ago plus the new year/new decade thing has affected me a lot. It couples with my fears that I feel like I will remain single year after year.

The hardest part is blocking thoughts about how this or that person did A or B and accomplished X or Y at a certain age, and I have not. Talking specifically about relationships, love, sex, etc. It is soul-crushing to even think for a second about how I have not experienced these things.

There is not much that I can do to change that—the past is done, my 20s are done, I cannot change the past. It is hard to look forward to the future, although it is my only option.

I am a bit calmer than yesterday, but still feeling unpleasant. My obsession with empiricism means that I need to see concrete evidence that things will definitely get better. But I suppose that life does not work that way. The uncertainty of the future always makes me fear the negative. Thinking over and over, “Will I be loved?” and going in circles even more. I think that what feeds the uncertainty is the fact that it has insofar never happened.
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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 12:06 PM
  #44
Woah, Franco supporters! Nope, no explanation needed of why it's hard to get along with them. Nor is any explanation of their views.

People on the spectrum can be just as big of assholes as anybody else. Highly extroverted NTs certainly don't have the monopoly on that.

Difficulty with emotional expression is a part of ASD; that isn't unusual in your case. Difficulty with memory and concentration are part of depression, anxiety, and OCD. Once you're able to do so, journaling is a good way to help get things out and put them into perspective. One of the self-compassion exercises involves writing things out and then writing a letter back to yourself in the form of a supportive friend. It helps to objectively analyze the issue for what it is, and place yourself into the third person. One of the biggest traps of mental illness is being stuck in the feelings and swept away by them. It leads to a false sense of isolation, that we're the only ones feeling the way we do. Placing it in the third person, as well as reading the posts on sites like this, makes us realize that our pain unites us because it's something every human being is capable of feeling. Our pain is not unique, and does not define who we are. It's just something we're all capable of feeling. That certainly isn't intended as a statement to trivialize anyone's experiences or trauma; it's just that we aren't at all alone in what we feel, even though it can seem that way when we're wrapped up in it. I was there for decades so I'm not judging anybody, just speaking from experience.

The turning of a new year can trigger both hope and despair. I was feeling it too with my job prospects. It has eased by focusing on bigger things like the coming election, plus keeping my eyes open for possibilities, and seeking community connections.

Constantly comparing yourself to others only leads to feeling superior or inferior to others, and either way is unhealthy and possibly dangerous. You can only compare you to you. Nobody else has had exactly your combination of experiences. We all share the same capacity for feeling, but everyone has unique challenges others may not face. And time only moves in one direction in a 4-dimensional universe.

I'm glad that you're feeling a little calmer. You're right in saying life doesn't always give us concrete evidence. It's murky and uncertain much of the time and people can disagree on the most fundamental interpretations of what's happening. It makes it even harder that we're living through such an uncertain time. The future is only uncertain because that chapter hasn't been written yet. We all play a role in the words that will be on that page. I handle it by living my values and keeping my eyes open for new opportunities. Other people handle it in various ways, some of them healthy and some of them not.

Thought spirals can quickly suck us down like quicksand. I've been there too. If the support group here and the self-help resources aren't helping you as much as you'd like, then counseling or medication might be necessary for you. Those don't have to be permanent things, just long enough to help break that cycle.
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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 11:55 PM
  #45
A lot are Catholic too. Kind of strange since I thought that Catholicism teaches empathy for the misfortunate, the sick, the poor, etc. But like Franco, who was ultra-Catholic himself, hypocrisy reigns.

That makes sense. I usually write in the first-person in my journal, but I could switch to the third person to act like someone giving advice to myself. I do feel like I were the only one sometimes, but I suppose that getting “tunnel vision” and thinking that no one else has this problem is a fallacy. Perhaps because of the crowd here, most people do not have my problem, or are too ashamed to admit it. But since I have seen and heard so many negative comments, I built this up in my brain that I am just so weird that everyone else is ahead of me in this respect. I forget to think about others who may be going through the same thing.

That comparing myself with others has often destroyed me in many ways. Sometimes it feels like almost a reflex in my case. Like my brain defaults to this a lot. It is true that others did not have exactly my combination of experiences. A lot had good luck in some way too. When I think of all of the things that happened to me since childhood, perhaps it is true to say that many guys would end up single and virgins at my age as well if they were in my situation. It still hurts, though.

I think that since I always am close to addicted to seeing evidence, doubt fills me quickly. If I am told something and do not see evidence, I tend to get nervous and then wonder if A or B is true in the first place. But I am also impatient sometimes, I forget to be patient and wait. The future is uncertain, and by definition nothing is 100% sure except pure mathematics and science in a vacuum. Like when my mother tells me that she is sure that I can find a girlfriend, not here but elsewhere, I think now, is it true. I am stuck here for the time being, so I keep thinking, how long must I wait before luck turns in my favour. I get nervous from my impatience. I keep thinking, “When will I met her?” and then I fall into depressive states because I start ruminating about who, where, when, etc. I guess that the time that I spent single up to now just added additional anxiety. Maybe I just need to relax and follow my own timeline. It is not easy at all though.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 10:39 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by LundiHvalursson View Post
Regarding my threads about being 30 and virgin/single despite not wanting to, I was thinking about techniques to maintian and even improve my self-esteem and self-confidence when people are constantly criticising, insulting and berating me for being single/virgin so old at age 30.

Ever since around age 12/13 I was made fun of for never having a girlfriend, and since then the virginity issue has spurned others to make fun of me on a regular basis up to now in the present. I have been called all sorts of names like "reject", "loser", "virgin loser", "scummy virgin", etc., plus being told, "Women would rather have sex with a retard" or "Women would rather pick a midget than be with you". This hurt quite a lot, especially if it were a woman who told me this.

So I was wondering how to improve my self-esteem and self-confidence, even when people have and continue to make fun of me for being single/virgin. If I had to do a count, I would probably say that I have been insulted or made fun for being single/virgin well over 1000 times. Probably over 2000 times, I would not be surprised. And not only do dates or prospective women berate me, but also supposed friends/acquaintances, plus relatives from extended family on both sides of the family.

In the past two months, I have made much progress. However, it is hard because as I ascend the "hill" of self-esteem and confidence, there are those who constantly. try to push me down the hill, figuratively speaking.
I'm sorry that you been treated this way. I been treated horrible and shame by my assistant manager all because of a sibling told private information to other people.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 05:46 PM
  #47
I really took a step back in terms of self-esteem and self-confidence. I am not sure that I can go on trying dating any longer. My mind is sunk deep in a hole right now.
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