Improving self-esteem and self-confidence in the face of insults and beration

Regarding my threads about being 30 and virgin/single despite not wanting to, I was thinking about techniques to maintian and even improve my self-esteem and self-confidence when people are constantly criticising, insulting and berating me for being single/virgin so old at age 30.

Ever since around age 12/13 I was made fun of for never having a girlfriend, and since then the virginity issue has spurned others to make fun of me on a regular basis up to now in the present. I have been called all sorts of names like "reject", "loser", "virgin loser", "scummy virgin", etc., plus being told, "Women would rather have sex with a retard" or "Women would rather pick a midget than be with you". This hurt quite a lot, especially if it were a woman who told me this.

So I was wondering how to improve my self-esteem and self-confidence, even when people have and continue to make fun of me for being single/virgin. If I had to do a count, I would probably say that I have been insulted or made fun for being single/virgin well over 1000 times. Probably over 2000 times, I would not be surprised. And not only do dates or prospective women berate me, but also supposed friends/acquaintances, plus relatives from extended family on both sides of the family.

In the past two months, I have made much progress. However, it is hard because as I ascend the "hill" of self-esteem and confidence, there are those who constantly. try to push me down the hill, figuratively speaking.

I'm sorry people have said such hurtful things to you.

I have been single my whole life too, and I'm 37. I have had sex, but not with anyone I cared about. Because I'm a woman, I feel like it's easier to find a sexual partner if you're not too picky.

I am wondering how so many people know you're a virgin and have always been single though. Most people don't know my sexual history. I prefer to keep that private. Frankly, it's not anyone else's business but yours.

Like from my other thread, I found this article:

Later-in-life virgins – ‘At my age, it becomes a red flag’

The guy says,

He is articulate, even wryly humorous, about his virginity, even as he says it causes him day-to-day unhappiness. “It’s like trying to date with an STD that’s not contagious and easily curable, but still puts people off.”

An article from just yesterday:

The joy of sex for the first time at 37: ‘We celebrated and high-fived afterwards’

The woman says,

Libby is sceptical of the “just get on with it” attitude many people expressed towards those featured in the original article, particularly for those who struggle, as she did, with their mental health. And she adds, it is probably harder for men: “There’s pressure on guys to know what to do.”

So you may be right that it is in some ways easier for women in this regard. I often get a lot of insults precisely because I am a male virgin and not a female virgin. For some reason being a male virgin makes people want to viciously insult me, but not as much as a female virgin.

I was asked this question a lot since around 12 or 13 or so. And gossip spreads like an epidemic. I used to answer honestly to one friend or acquaintance, then the next day ten people know. Within a week 50 people know. It spreads like wildfire.

In my 20s, I started attending meetups. People talked about sex on a regular basis, even with strangers. And of course, gossip spread. So I could tell one acquaintance, then suddenly at the next meetup 20+ people already know about my situation. Some would come up to me and ask me about why I am a virgin. When I asked how they knew, they said that person X had told them.

You've known some really crummy people, Lundi. It's a reflection on them and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Some people respond to our own insecurities by attacking ourselves and believing our cruelest critics, especially when those critics are inside our own minds. I've been this way all my life and apparently you have too. A lot of us here on this forum are (that's probably why we're here). Others respond by ripping other people down, especially those who are already in pain. They have wolfish instincts and can easily spot someone who will be wounded by their attacks. That's what they do to feel better about themselves. You are not flawed. They're projecting their own flaws onto you to feel as if they've shed them for a little while. It isn't rational and it's vicious, but some people are just like that. Trust me, a woman who has faced the same ridicule you have, or has experienced abusive relationships, would think your virginity and general innocence is a plus, not something repulsive.

I'll say this again: you are not flawed because you haven't had a romantic and sexual relationship with the women you have tried so far. It really sounds like you're trying to make yourself an extroverted NT in dating situations. You aren't going to find success, or happiness, if you do that. Meetups and dating sites only work for people who are very conventional. Heterosexual ones depend on those who fall on extreme (and in my view, disgusting) gender stereotypes. A female is expected to be an exceptional beauty, can't be "too smart," and can't make too much or too little money. A male is expected to be exceptionally handsome and muscular, macho, and financially successful. All are expected to enjoy dancing and drinking and casual meaningless sex. I don't think any of that is what you want.

A good place to start would be to think of what qualities you'd want in a girlfriend. Do you want someone with whom you could talk about science, art, lit, and current events? Do you want someone who will help you explore possibilities you had never considered before? Do you mostly care that she's kind and gentle? Don't fall into painting a picture of the perfect mate, but you do need to consider what values you need a life partner to share, what you'd accept as compatible life goals and world views even if they don't 100% align with yours, and what you'd consider a red line. From there you'll be able to find someone who will really appreciate you. If what you're doing isn't working, you have to try something else. These people are causing you damage and you deserve better than that. The whole bar crawl scene only works for people who live on life's surface, not those who want meaning form their life and relationships. People who go out of their way to rip you down aren't going to accept you. Please don't think that every person (and most of all every woman) in the world is like that. As a scientist, you certainly understand the concept of sample bias.

Thanks a lot for your kind words. Some of the few that I have read (or heard) this year.

It does seem true what you are saying. Since I was a boy, since I could remember anything, age 3 or 4, my peers have picked on me. I notice that they often leave other alone, but when they see me, it is like they found their scapegoat. Up to now, I notice that the people who tell me these things usually (not all the time) pick on me, but leave my other acquaintances alone. Of course there are some, quite a few even, who pick not only on me, but on all my acquaintances. Those people probably just think that everyone else is not at the same level as they are. But I do sense the wolf-like attitude in these people. I should not have to mention this because it is quite apparent from deduction, but a lot of these people believe in the "alpha male" and "alpha female" comparisons in humans.

Social Darwinism is very popular here. I am like those weak wolves in a pack, to use their analogy, whilst they consider themselves the alpha male (or alpha female). "Oh, you are a virgin?", "Oh, you make less than six figures?", "Oh, you have never had a girlfriend?", "Oh, you did not attend Stanford or MIT or UC Berkeley?" then I am not an "alpha male" like those guys. Using Social Darwinism reasoning, they think that I am a weak male like in the animal kingdom, and thus should live a live without mating or courtship, just like in the animal world.

I do notice that meetups, i.e. the general socialising meetups that are not even dating meetups, that I attend, are filled with neurotypicals. Just two days after my 30th birthday two months ago, I attended a Halloween-themed meetup that really was hellish. A woman pointed to the two books sticking out of my jacket pockets, and I explained to her that they were foreign language textbooks. She looked at me with a face like . Then a DJ arrived and the dance floor opened. I just stood there like a rock on the dance floor. Then she kept pleading with me to dance freestyle, told me to try, over and over. Eventually, I just felt so weird that I left. Sometimes I just feel like I am a different species of human.

I do see those gender stereotypes in meetups. A man who does not have expensive clothes, numerous girlfriends plus countless sexual adventures and charisma, plus is overly loud and brash/arrogant is often deemed as unworthy. I read up on this on my city, and apparently this is true. I read and heard recently how any man making less than half a million a year is basically considered too poor to date women here. Well, I am really screwed on multiple fronts there.

As for qualities in a girlfriend, what I like the most is sincerity, honesty and intelligence. I absolutely cannot stand talking in riddles and when things are said where one has to intuitively guess the subtle meaning that is often hidden between words. I prefer direct, honest communication. I am still searching for some nerdy groups, which I admit, I definitely am a nerd. I do not like loud bars or nightclubs, but I do quite like quiet pubs where you can actually talk and hear each other because there is little noise. No shouting necessary.

I do understand sample bias, true. I have a degree in mathematics, but statistics is not exactly my forté. I would think that having three STEM degrees would be at least a little plus in my favour, but 100% of the women whom I have met do not seem to think that it is anything. Of course, this is just 100% of the ones whom I have met. Surely others out there would not think like this.

My mother has given me some advice over the past months, because she knows how I feel. I have been suffering a lot in the social scene here. She told me that I should probably consider not trying dating here, and retrying dating when I move to a different country. That does sound plausible as a strategy, but hopefully somewhere in the city I could at least try where there are more open-minded women. Where, that is the question.

Maybe my last date in August 2019 might give a bit of an insight into how I fare here. I had met this woman at a meetup. We are both Americans, but by coincidence, we had attended the same university in the UK, so we were talking about that. She suddenly switched the conversation into birth control and condoms. I was very caught off guard by this sudden veer into this topic. She started talking about her ex-boyfriend from Norway and her sexual encounters, etc. I was thinking, "Why is she telling me this?". Then, as expected, she turned the topic on me. She asked me about my ex-girlfriends and my sexual past. I reluctantly admitted that I had none. She just looked at me like . I was thoroughly embarrassed, and I blushed bright-red just like a ripe tomato. I did not know what else to say. I started shaking from nervousness, then went to the toilet. I had to urinate for almost two minutes straight due to the nervousness, which made my bladder to fill to the brim. Then she asked me after I had returned, "What were you doing in there so long, hm?". I felt so low. So disconnected from what society calls "normal".

Thinking about this a lot, I noticed that I have not felt the "butterflies in the stomach" feeling since I was 16 or 17. I suppose that throughout my 20s, whilst living here I insofar never met a woman who made me feel those nice feelings of love, since I never met any who were similar to form an emotional connection with. At times I feel numb, rather cold since it feels like I forgot what love feels like.

I'm sorry you have all these terrible, even traumatic experiences. I've been in those kinds of toxic environments too. Going the standard route for friends and love just doesn't work for someone on the spectrum. Your mind is wired in a different way than an NT. You need someone who understands that. Sometimes the culture that surrounds you is just something you have to remove yourself from. Those kinds of Social Darwinistic attitudes are common, but not universal. Are you still in school? If so, then you might try going to honors societies or professional networking societies in your fields of study. If you have graduated, you might try alumni associations. It's important for anyone, but especially someone on the spectrum, to understand the difference between perseverance and perseveration. Plugging away at the wrong path isn't going to bring a good result.

Those values and needs in a future girlfriend are great ones, and will resonate strongly with someone else who feels the same way, and who has been hurt in previous relationships, or who like you has been lonely for too long. Your mom gave you great advice. And you'll feel the connection when you find someone you click with. You just need to take a different route. And don't beat yourself up for not succeeding when you were in the wrong place. A fish isn't stupid for not being able to climb a tree. Find your pond, even if you have to go someplace else.

It does seem like your city is a REALLY toxic environment, @LundiHvalursson. I hope this doesn't offend you, I am so sorry if that's the case, I didn't mean it and I apologize in advance! I, too, like Your Mother and likethe wise and wonderful @Serpentine Leaf have already wisely and wonderfully said better than I possibly ever could in my whole and entire Life, believe that in another city you may have better luck finding people who TRULY understand you and Love You for WHO YOU REALLY ARE! I really like what the wise and wonderful @Serpentine Leaf has already wisely and wonderfully said better than I possibly ever could in my whole and entire Life: Find your Pond! Stay true to yourself and do what you can. Remember that there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are who you are and that's more than enough! If you need some help, perhaps you could try to buy some self-help books that may teach you how to socialize better, if you want. Having some social skills doesn't hurt in my opinion as long as you sstay true to yourself! I'd also suggest to see a Therapist since it does seem like you've been through A LOT fo Trauma and Pain and I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY FOR THAT! I hope things will improve soon for you one way or another! Keep looking for someone who may be right up your alley and if things don't work out, don't blame yourself. Keep looking as I am SURE that there is at least SOMEONE out there who is wondering how it is to be with a guy like you - Virgin or not! There's NO SHAME in that! Keep us updated and let us know how things work out for you! Keep writing here if it helps even just a little bit! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LundiHvalursson, your Family, your Friends, your Mother, your Future Girlfriends, your Doctors, your Nurses, your Therapists and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I graduated already a few years ago so I am not in university, for now. I do plan to go to Europe and start studying anew when I can. My mother knows how people are here, as she has experience in having to interact with people here. Both genders are immature and superficial, not to mention being very judgemental as they have insulted her for other reasons as well. She has got into numerous verbal arguments with women here because they have also called her names and judged her, so my guess is that she told me to consider looking to dating after I will have moved to avoid ending up with someone who treats me badly, judges me and/or does not even care about me.

I do now see how the NT social circuit of high-paced ultra-extroverted, outgoing environments is failing me. I forgot to add that during that same date from August 2019, after that sex talk episode, she later asked me when was the last time that I had vomited from drinking too much. I was quite baffled by what kind of question this was. I said that when I drink, I never drink so much to the point of uncontrolled vomiting and overintoxication. Then she said that the week before, she had gone to a nightclub , drank too much tequila and had spent the early morning vomiting in her toilet bowl. I thought to myself, but is not age 30 a bit old for doing these types of things. I thought that this was a thing that university students did. Since we shared social media accounts (Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, etc.), even though we no longer see each other, we see what the other does via social media. I notice that every week she has an update that shows her in some nightclub, and then sometimes with some meme that talks about vomiting from drinking too much. I guess that she does this on a regular basis. Perhaps this is something normal that people in their 30s and 40s even do, but just recently I figured out that I just cannot relate this way.

I could try some alumni groups or other groups if I can and if there exist any here. It is hard to find suitable meetup groups. Other acquaintances have told me the same thing. It feels like often the choice is binary, between the NT outgoing social crowd or just not socialise at all. I think that the fact that introverts by definition do not even attend meetups but rather stay at home most of the time is probably why I rarely meet introverts and almost always meet extroverts.

My mother probably understands more than my father, as she had also admitted to me to being not only an introvert who struggled with relationships, but also being a virgin until age 27. There are differences between the stigmas of being a female virgin compared with being a male virgin, but often both feel serious self-esteem issues and are seen as outcasts in society, even more today than before.

You might have better success in Europe when you study there. Americans aren't exactly known for being civilized. MickeyCheeky was right: your city really sounds awful. I've lived in some terrible places too where the people will cuss somebody out at the drop of a hat, or stay almost permanently intoxicated. Some places have made me feel as if I've been dropped into the middle of Steinbeck's Cannery Row. The only thing to do in an environment like that is to get out of it.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet with that barf queen. Would you seriously want to kiss that mouth?

"Normal" depends so much on the specific place and specific time. Thinking in terms of "normal" and "not normal" only serve to cause pain and confusion, at least in my view. Acceptable and not acceptable, for you, seems much better. Some people always want to live like college freshmen, and others want to grow up and find a meaningful, fulfilling life. Party life and seclusion are not the only two options available to people. You are certainly right that it's harder to meet introverts because of our nature, but there are lots of us out there, Lundi! We just aren't standing on a table shouting that we're available.

Males are far more stigmatized for virginity, but the right woman for you won't hold it against you. The most important thing when you're out is not to try to put on "the NT show." A date, and a potential friend, needs to accept or reject the truth of you, not an act you're putting on for the sake of companionship. I had a long habit of compartmentalizing myself, and it did me a lot of damage. We can only heal when we can be whole.

And @MickeyCheeky: thank you for your kind words; you're an angel!

It is funny that you mentioned that book, because I live in San Francisco, just three hours' drive away from Monterey, California. I have not read that book, but I have been to the actual Cannery Row there probably about ten times in my life. Right now it is a sleepy tourist area with tourist seafood restaurants.

If you wanted to know a bit of the dating culture here, here is what I found immediately upon an internet search:

Why is everyone in San Francisco a temperamental asshole?

Why are people in San Francisco so rude?

Are people in San Francisco snobs?

This Is What Makes Dating So Hard in San Francisco

8 (Completely True) Reasons Why Dating in San Francisco is so Difficult

5 Reasons Dating in San Francisco Is so Freaking Hard

Here Are 5 Reasons You're Still Single If You Live In San Francisco

Just a half hour or so I came back home from an event from meetup.com. It was quite striking what I heard from some people here. I saw an acquaintance whom I had met two years ago. He said that he has totally given up on dating women in this city, because it is not only way too difficult and heartbreaking to keep dealing with the same rubbish over and over, but that he hopes to move soon to New York City away from West Coast California. Then I met a guy probably in his mid-40s who told me straight, "I need a wife. I am getting older, and it seems like none are serious. I date, but everyone is so superficial. One says that she is staying for six months and does not care about meeting anyone, another says that she just looking for fun, another says that she is moving out permanently the next week. What am I supposed to do?" and he seemed quite depressed about it. Another guy told me that dating is hard in a place where the gender ratio of people in their 20s and 30s is over 70% male, and that nothing is working. I am not sure how other guys are exactly having a hard time compared to my own experiences, but from what I hear, there does seem to be a pattern. So you are probably right, the only way is to just leave, i.e. move permanently without looking back.

Yes, that woman put me off quite a bit about the vomiting, as if the part about birth control and condoms were not enough. Just right now I look on my Instagram feed, and there was an update on her profile about yesterday going to a nightclub, with three cocktails in her hand. The past weekend she had a meme on her profile that basically has a cartoon with someone vomiting into the toilet bowl with a caption that I am guessing is meant to be funny (?) saying, "Remember when I was 22 and I could down those tequila shots one by one?". I have met people in their 40s and 50s at meetups, both men and women, who have told me how they go to nightclubs, drink too much then vomit all over the place, as if they were teenagers or in a university fraternity/sorority.

I see what you mean about normality. I think that I often compared myself with society's definition of normal here. Apparently one night stands, dancing to hip hop, rap and techno on a massive dance floor, plus getting drunk to the point of vomiting, even in one's 40s and 50s, is "normal" here. That probably sounds like an introvert's nightmare. I think that I am exception for introverts. I force myself to go out and meet big amounts of people in social settings, mostly because I felt that I needed to have some way to have a social life no matter how odd it is to me due to being introverted.

I am sure that there is some idiot males out there who make fun of female virgins, but I do know from experience how embarrassing and degrading it is when in the past women used to do things like make the "L" sign with their fingers to taunt me upon finding out about my virginity, or other things like telling people in a group when I am present or reacting like, "Oh my god, stop, this cannot be possible…" as if I had revealed something so horrible like I had twelve fingers or three hands or something.

Like that guy in the newspaper article, he said that he felt like if he had an STI, so bad was his reputation for being a male virgin at 31. I do feel something similar, I do remember in the past being told that those with chlamidya and gonorrhoea were even of a higher "class" of male than I was. I remember some really questionable comments that I received, when told that even non-virgin guys with horrible STIs like syphilis or AIDS were not losers like male virgin adults, since at least the syphilitic or AIDS guy were not a virgin.

So you obviously are not the only one having issues with dating people who are absolute jerks! I never knew Frisco was that bad. If even NTs are having that rough a time, that should ease the self-recrimination on you, Lundi. I really think your life will change when you get out of there. No one can heal their heart in the emotional equivalent of a superfund site.


It might be a good idea to refrain from looking at those profiles, and be more selective about the meetups you attend, unless you genuinely find the connections fulfilling. If all it does is make you wonder why you can't be part of it, or feel disgust for all of humanity because of how you see them behave, then it will do more harm than good. That's just a suggestion of course, and I would never direct someone on what they should or should not do. But it's important to consider how what you do affects how you think and feel. That has a huge impact on mental health and I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

In my view, it's weird to intentionally intoxicate yourself to the point of puking and passing out. Life is too short, precious, and fragile to dull your awareness of it. Trying to force yourself into a life that isn't right for you is only going to cause damage. And you won't meet anyone who will appreciate you for who you are. I'm sorry if I'm sounding bossy or preachy here, but I don't want to see anyone damaged because they aren't living their authentic selves. People who live for the party scene don't respect themselves or even life itself, so of course they are incapable of respecting anyone else. That is not a good environment for someone who wants genuine, deep relationships.

You walked into a snake pit and expected yourself to flourish in it. Most people aren't such big a-holes as the one's you've encountered. Look for different kinds of people and you might be surprised at how differently they react to you, and treat you. And please keep in mind that you don't have to tell people about your virginity in a social setting. Directness and honesty are beautiful aspects of ASD, and something the world needs so much more of, but at the same time you don't have to wear a sandwich board proclaiming personal things about yourself to strangers.

San Francisco has become quite bad, in many ways. Dating is just one of the more extreme examples in which San Francisco has declined. True, even the NTs have problems. It gives me a bit more solace knowing that if even they cannot stand the dating scene here, but still is annoying since I have to deal with being single due to a very abnormal dating scene in addition to my own faults.

I just looked up some statistics. No wonder San Francisco leads the nation in being the city that has not only the lowest birth rate, but also the lowest marriage rate plus the lowest percentage of children in the population compared to any other American city. And dating as a 30 year old when the male-to-female ratio in the age group 20-40 is almost 4:1 is not exactly the easiest either.

I agree that binge-drinking to the point of vomiting makes no sense. I think that this is considered normal in society, because hard partying with zero limits is seen as being a popular person with many friends. Someone who is more introverted and quiet is seen more as a loser. Logically, this makes no sense at all, but so many societal norms make no sense as a whole.

I have been looking for new groups for the past months, but it seems like there are so many bad groups, one can hardly see any good groups. I try to at least see my old acquaintances during meetups, in case that I do not meet any good new people. It is annoying, but as a stopgap, it seems to be the only thing at least for now.

Since I had turned 30 in October, I stopped revealing personal information as much as possible. Some people do call me rude and stand-offish for not agreeing to do so, but if they try to shame me for not giving personal information, it seems quite likely that they would shame me for my personal details.

I never knew that ordinary people could be so terrible, honestly. Perhaps it was the naïveté that I had in the past, but when I see people with my own eyes act so cruel and judgemental, it makes me think how many people whom I already know actually think this way but never voice this publicly.

I do remember when I had gone on holiday to Europe right before my birthday, I felt a sense of tranquility. People did not treat me like shïte. True, I was not looking to date the women or anything, just relax and enjoy my time there in the last days of my 20s. But I had the feeling that if I were there longer, that doing so would be more fruitful and enjoyable. At least that was my general feeling.

Please never let yourself believe that you are fundamentally flawed. What we tell ourselves about ourselves has a huge impact on every aspect of our lives. There is no person on the planet who has no strengths and no weaknesses. Yes, you are an Aspie-- that's just a label for a way of thinking and of perceiving and experiencing the world in a way those under the label of NT or ADHD do not. Different is not flawed, it's just different.

You'll undoubtedly do much better in a different environment. And not everybody is a highly extroverted, binge-drinking a-hole. The situations you're forcing yourself into are full of them, but isn't your cup of tea, so I urge you to just try something else. Forcing yourself into a bad fit is only going to cause further damage. I learned that lesson the hard way many times over. It pains me to see others making my same mistakes.

It takes time to find a good fit, but please have patience. Sometimes it all comes down to time and location. May I ask when you will be leaving for school abroad? That will be something to look forward to and prepare for. Maybe you can start looking to see what groups are available in the new area. Novelty can inspire new hope when it's been lost by long, bad experience.


Don't worry if people don't like it if you won't reveal personal information. People who object to that are only seeking information about you for their own ends. You discover a lot about who a person is by how they respond to your boundaries. Those who refuse to respect them will never respect you. Those who are okay with it are the people you'll be able to spend quality time with. The only way to have a healthy relationship is to set healthy boundaries early on. Another lesson I learned the hard way, many times over.


Naivete is part of being on the spectrum. Some people will try to take advantage of that. You've experienced bitter cruelty, as have so many others. Women on the spectrum face much higher risk of sexual violence than NT women. So many on the spectrum, of any gender identity, become embittered after repeated traumatic experiences and come to believe that everybody is like that. Not everybody is cruel. Not everybody is judgemental. Please remember about sample bias. You do need to keep alert, but please don't slip into misanthropy and paranoia.

The general culture of a place is important. And I've read a lot of articles about people on the spectrum who could not find successful relationships until they moved away, sometimes to other countries. Don't beat yourself up over not finding anything in such a toxic environment. You see who few others are succeeding either.

Many of us here do not tell things about ourselves prematurely because people just plain dont understand. Many of us are on these forums to be around people who do.
So there are two simple things to do: Dont say you are a virgin so soon.Sorry guys, many men care so little about pleasing a women that many would benefit from seeking advice about thatfrom experienced men and women , and reading about it first.
You are so smart that it is just astonishing that you are beating yourself up for being smart, not carrying an STD you cant get rid of which many people are, or being a predatory or superficial man.
Wow, applaud yourself for being what you are. Just go about this in a different way. Write a singles ad, showing how very,very intelligent you are. Find someone who takes the time to really know you. Ask a friend to have your back and mentor you .Please stop blurting out that you are a virgin.
ITS NOT A BAD THING. I know men who could use that to get sex.. The woman: Ill teach you. YES!

I see what you mean about the gatherings with very extroverted neurotypicals. Couchsurfing was another one that I used a few years ago, but stopped. It was similar to meetup.com, except it seemed less organised. For now, I am seeing if there are forums in Europe to connect over there. There are travel sites like TripAdvisor, but from what I see there, it seems to be just for travel advice rather than meeting people.

I plan to apply to universities in Italy. I plan to take the CEFR C1 or C2 Italian exam at the institute here sometime as well. I know Italian, but I am not at the highly advanced or near-native level yet. I also have to get all of my documentes officially translated and certified at the Italian embassy. Since Italian bureaucracy is notoriously disorganised and slow, I probably would not apply until the intake for autumn 2020 or autumn 2021, at the earliest. I also have to gather funds from working a bit to pay the tuition. One good thing is that the tuition is very cheap compared to here, at around 2000€-3000€ per year, even for foreigners. Italians actually consider this expensive, and often get their tuition at 1000€ or less per year due to receiving discounts based on income.

I dislike using stereotypes, but the oft-repeated stereotype is that Italian women are more caring and not as judgemental as their Anglo counterparts, for example in USA or Britain. Of course this is very general and not all are like this, but I do think that the general culture of Mediterranean Europe means that they most likely would be at least a bit more open to me compared to here at home. From my travels there, I do not get the feeling that the vast majority of women there would make the "L" sign with their fingers or call me names like "virgin loser" like here.

I stopped talking with people who keep pestering me about the details of my personal life. I remember how some people when I just had met them, they would get irritated then ask me again, trying to guilt me by saying, "Why can you not just answer the question? What are you hiding?" or call me rude or whatever. I am not sure why, perhaps my lower self-esteem back then, which caused me to believe that I was obligated to answer their questions no matter how invasive or embarrassing. There are basically four types of questions that you get asked here when meeting people. The first one is the obsessive, "What do you do?" as in what is your job. The second question is, "What is your race?". The third is questions about your relationship history and the fourth questions about your sexual history. Right now I often refuse to answer all four.

My only reference whom I know is both female and has Asperger's in person is my mother. Over here, I do not remember ever meeting a woman who displayed obvious Asperger's signs. That might be because I could not read them properly or they might be masking them. In any case, my mother told me that in her early to mid 20s back in the early 1980s, dating confused her a lot because it took her a long time to figure out that men just wanted to get to know her to eventually have sex with her and then leave. I think that they call that the "pump and dump". A neurotypical woman would probably pick up on those bad vibes much quicker than she could. So I can see what you mean about ASD women having problems with relationships like that.

I have to remind myself to not be paranoid, that is true. I have had some bad dates, up to now haunting me. Like when on Valentine's Day 2016, a 28 year old woman whom I had known for since we were both around age nine since we are both chess players asked me out to dinner. It was obvious to the both of us that we had liked each other for over a decade. Due to San Francisco extreme flakiness, I asked her the night before to confirm our plans. Then she said that actually she had changed her mind and had decided to go with some other guy. I felt emotionally devastated and internally was hurting a lot since that day, to the point that I felt sick to my stomach and almost vomited from the feeling that I was not good enough as a guy. Up to now, I get doubtful if any woman does ask me out that she will not do this same switch thing that she had done to me in 2016. It is hard to erase that memory, but I keep having to try.

You make a good point about change of scenery. I notice that some of my friends and acquaintances from years ago found girlfriends in very short time frames after having moved away permanently to somewhere else, whether a different state or a different country. I have heard stories of people who live in San Francisco who have been single for a very long time, i.e. decades, but find partners in the first week after moving away permanently to a different place. Perhaps the environment is simply more fruitful elsewhere.

Keep on searching for Euro groups. You're probably a lot more tech-savvy than me so you'll be able to find something I wouldn't.

A more socially conservative woman, or a very religious woman, would likely see your virginity as a plus. A genuine liberal who values each person would as well. Americans are well-known for being rude. But as luvyrself said, you don't have to announce it, especially early on in the relationship. That doesn't mean lie, it just means you don't have to volunteer personal information if you don't feel comfortable doing so. The people who are pushing against your boundaries are not interested in you for you, just for their own entertainment. You do not have to play along! The "what do you do?" question is inevitable in small-talk. I dislike it too because I'm looked down upon for my custodial work. But in regards to that question, unlike the other 3, it usually isn't intended to be intrusive; it's actually intended as a conversation starter.

You're very right about the masking in female ASD. Girls, far more than boys, are expected to have top-notch social skills, and a little girl who's struggling to understand social cues or the like will get direct instruction, or will face ostracism at much higher rates. Masking is a survival mechanism. And as teens and young adults, your mother's experience was, sadly, not at all unique.

I'm sorry you had that horrible experience with someone you really cared about. That kind of pain cuts deep. But the actions of one woman do not speak to the actions for all. And it doesn't at all speak to your worth as a human being. Memories can't be erased, especially form an Aspie mind, so that isn't the right approach. CBT techniques of restructuring memories and challenging automatic negative thought patterns would be good in this case. Considering the extent of your social anxiety and traumatic social encounters, a CBT therapist is a very good idea.

If your area is a social superfund site, your only option is to fly free.

This might sound quite odd, but actually most people who are even decades older than I am have better tech skills than I do. I grew up in a low-IT family. I used a 1960s manual typewriter up until I was 15 or 16. I had a twist-knob TV until around age 20. I did not use the Internet until around 2002. I did have a computer which was an Intel 1985 model on which I played solitaire and Minesweeper, but it had no Internet connection. My personal method for listening to music throughout my entire childhood was with my mother's record player and a cassette player. The only cars that I drive were models from the 1970s and 1980s. Just a couple years ago, we switched to an electronic phone--we used a 1950s-style rotary dial telephone complete with circular dialing pad up to around 2017. Naturally, since San Francisco are the de facto IT capital of the world, being so ignorant of tech at age 30 in my case means that many people find me very weird just for that.

I can relate about feeling uncomfortable about the "What do you do?" question. When they hear that I am a written translator, they just say, "...Oh" and that is about it. They usually start talking about themselves, about how they are in IT, how they are a successful CEO of a startup, in finance, whatever. Many here gloat. I met once a few months ago this guy at a meetup who was insufferable. He said how he is a rocket scientist. He went on and on then about how people like me who are not making six figures should just move out of the city because poor people have no right to live here and occupy the housing when there are so many "intelligent" people like himself. He then stated that he deserved to pay 0% in taxes because he was much smarter than most people, and that taxes only help less intelligent poor people like myself. My naturally very honest self wanted to say, "You are completely full of *****", but I just left.

My mother probably learnt to mask hers better. From what I understand, we were both considered weird as children. I still have second aunts and uncles who say that my mother was a weirdo as a child. But right now, she more or less blends in with society. I, however, stand out quite a lot. My mannerisms, anxious demeanour, along with awkwardness plus weird voice tonality plus lack of facial expressions mean that quite a lot of people can tell that I am unlike the so-called "normal" people.

That episode on Valentine's Day 2016 did hurt a lot, true. I still think about it and my self-esteem and stuff up to now. It feels like I were indeed close to maybe a relationship, but now at age 30 up to now not even having kissed nor held hands, not to mention no sex, does hurt inside a lot. My health insurance is poor (no pun intended), so mental health sessions talking with a therapist are not covered. I actually have anxiety to the point that I was diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26. Despite having a poor family history of heart disease, my doctor told me that the anxiety is the one that is really a big factor. But since my health insurance basically does not cover mental health stuff, I would probably have to wait until I go to Europe. It would be most likely be free of cost, or at the very least much cheaper than it is over here.

Recently, as in when I turned 30 in October, I decided to not answer anyone's questions about my sex life. I actually have to make this decision for the future, because there absolutely will be people who will ask me about it. Just last week for example I was asked, but declined to answer.

I suppose that I never really considered myself smart. It may be that I used to hang out with people who got straight A's at the bare minimum, people who went to universities such as Stanford, Berkeley, MIT, Columbia, Cambridge, Oxford, LSE, etc. So compared to them I am just average at the most.

Here people like to judge people based on which university they attended. I live ten minutes from UCSF (only offers the medicine degree and postgraduate degrees), one hour from Stanford and half an hour from UC Berkeley. People like me who attended none of the above are considered as below average.

I would be flattered if a woman told me that she would "teach" me. I have often received the opposite comments, i.e. the "Ew virgin, go home!" attitude.

Regarding the actual act itself, when I get to that point, I would not mind at all helping her orgasm multiple times even if I do not at all. Apologies if that was too much information.

The one positive that I am proud of is that I have zero STIs. It is impossible by definition given that I have zero sexual experience full stop. For some reason, a lot of people here think that having STIs makes one a good person in popular culture. Just like how someone who got drafted as a soldier into some war comes home with no legs, people praise him/her for their physical toughness. Someone with for example chlamidiya or gonorrhoea is considered a "battle-hardened warrior" or some other weird stuff.

Hi. I gew up in a similar environment with family who regularly insulted me even as an adult but I have managed to keep high self-esteem.n Though I have other issues like not trusting people and being slightly agoraphobic.

I think someone in your situation needs to remember that people who insult you are the real losers. Their insults compensate for their own feelings of jealousy or failure. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. An added benefit is that you don't have to worry about nasty STDs and any future partner would not be harmed by your sexual history.

When someone insults you, remind yourself that they are small and insignificant. You say that people you want to date react negatively to you. I think it may be that being often subjected to insults make you relate differently to people in general. I have a similar problem.

Maybe it would help to think about how you may be behaving that is different from other people (not the people who insult you, but normal decent people). You may be habitually or unconsciously doing something that is annoying to others without realizing it. Something that occurred to me recently is that if a large percentage of people do the same thing to me, something in my habits or behavior is probably causing it.

Overall, I think you sound really smart and nice. Your manner of expressing yourself in writing gives the impression that you are an attractive person. I hope you figure out why people rect badly to you. Maybe you just need to find a place with nicer people?

True, it is quite a benefit that I lack STIs. I have had acquaintances who have had STIs. In some cases, bizarrely some were even proud enough to share it publicly not only with friends/acquaintances, but also with strangers. It is a rather weird culture here. Right now I am letting insults just slide off.

I know for a fact that I am socially awkward and often have non-standard mannerisms, such as my voice modulation, having no body language or facial expression, my arms are always at their sides like a stick figure, etc. It is quite hard to change these things, but I think that it is not as bad as before. As you can tell from my writing, I am quite formal and obsessed about grammar, even in casual conversation. I think quite a bit about which verb tenses to use. Things like being unable to know when someone is joking, sarcastic, using a metaphor or hyperbole and other literary devices probably annoys people, but that one is very hard for me to change.

This way of writing is my most casual register. Usually I write more formally than this. But thanks for your kind words, that is the first time that I have been told that my writing makes me sound attractive.