no words left

i don't want to do this anymore! it is destroying me......

i don't want to see or talk to another doctor or nurse for years to come!!! i've done 42 doc appts in less than 10 months!!! (physical health) and it kills me to think that the complete opposite is actually true -> i'll be seeing them for years!

i don't want to do the appts; i don't want to do all the traveling for the appts; i don't want to have the pain; I don't want to have the knowledge that this will impact my life likely long term; i don't want to take meds for the rest of my life (or long term); i don't want to have to bounce around from med to med until we find the right/best one- uugghh; i don't wanna do all the symptoms; i don't wanna do the worrying & contemplating & stressing & more; i don't want to do the worsening mental health along with all this (ie depression, anxiety, ptsd...); i don't wanna feel like i'm in this all alone; i don't want to have all the fears; i'm scared to feel/be this awful......
i don't want to choose between mental health and physical health cuz i can't handle both at the same time! (been there before and don't like doing it cuz NO ONE understands what that is like or just how hard it actually is)

i literally can't do this anymore. part of me just wants to say 'screw it - who cares - i'm done - no more'!!!! just let the D consume me.....

I am so sorry you are struggling with all this, jrae. It sounds overwhelming. But you aren't alone. You have us. And we support you, no matter what.

Try not to focus on the giant picture maybe. Maybe try to just focus on how to get through the next hour. When I am overcome with too much, I try to do this. Chop the giant thing into little things that are more doable. Not sure if this will help you, but it helps me.

bpcyclist is on target. I think the only way to deal with such overwhelming demands on your mind and body is to break it into pieces you can handle. And do something nice for yourself each day, it can be small, but just something that Feels Good for a half hour or so...I hope you have someone you can talk to when you want to talk, or just someone you can walk with or sit with without talking---I find reading helpful as it can take me far away from where I am mentally and physically...audiobooks also...the right music...museums can be soothing...quiet, beautiful, places to sit and not be bothered....(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

thanks. I'm trying to do that, and I often tell myself things like 'just another 16 hours' or 'just another 30 hours & then you're done'. and I try to do the 'day to day' thing, but that is extremely hard when you are scheduling doc appts weeks to months in advance!!!

[QUOTE=winter4me;6729794]bpcyclist is on target. I think the only way to deal with such overwhelming demands on your mind and body is to break it into pieces you can handle. And do something nice for yourself each day, it can be small, but just something that Feels Good for a half hour or so...[QUOTE]

I did that last week. I was super busy, didn't want to be & couldn't change it, and was just really struggling with things. so on two of the super busy days, I treated myself to a fast-food treat!

I use to have someone but they died a few months ago!

and I've got my two pets but they are outside ones so I don't spend a ton of time outside with them in the winter cuz it's so cold. it's a different story when it's above freezing outside

even my interest in TV shows/movies is declining - and I know it! although the other day, I did watch the first three Jurassic Park movies on tv! [I'm a visual person so movies work better than books, no offense]

Dear jrae, I really do know how it feels to be so overwhelmed, there are no words. It hurts so deeply, no energy left, feeling plowed under. It feels like there's nothing left in you. But myself seeing you from an outsider's point of view, & how you are about your kitties, I know how sweet your heart is. Thank goodness we have each other, here at PC. Many of us can identify with you. Sometimes members don't say much but they are feeling a lot, maybe not able to say anything. Maybe just reading & not even clicking. Sometimes you are speaking for them & you don't even know it. I hope things start getting better for you pretty soon. God bless you!

there are just times i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take

Think Spring and Out of Doors-----I do the "just another..." time thing too---trying to focus on the moment...not easy
I do find doing something with my hands helpful---and painting colors (no I am no artist), ...(((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))hang in there

You can do this, @jrae! Unfortunately things can get Overwhelming. Don't let that stop you. Definitely take things slowly and one step at the time like the others have WONDERFULLY SAID! Keep posting here as I certainly hope that things will improve soon for you! At least a bit! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @jrare, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Jrae, how many different individual doctors do those 42 appointments represent? I am concerned you may be poly-doctored and poly-prescribed.

@Rohag, thanks for the concern. i'm thinking that's not it though.

when it comes to head/brain injuries, especially ones like mine, one doctor cannot tackle every single symptom. it all depends on the symptom and location. for example, ears would be ENT; jaw would be oral surgeon/dentist; eyes would be optometrist and/or ophthalmology; brain/nerves would be neurologist; and then there's the rehab doctor, which in the brain injury community PM&R doctors are considered the 'new' primary doctors for the patient!

some times a patient only sees a specialist 1-3 times and that's it. either the symptom has been treated or things have been ruled out and 'cleared'. it all depends - every patient and every brain injury is unique!

and i'm as unique as they come! one doc appt was because i nearly broke my finger. i also had a hypotensive episode which included 2 ER visits (were separate appts). and i also have ongoing spine injuries/issues from a car crash, which made up for 9 of those - needed updated MRI scans as well.

all that physical trauma, on top of massive emotional/mental trauma and there's a valid reason i dubbed it 'the year from h**l!!!!

I'm sorry, jrae! I sure do hope things get easier for you soon!