Just ignore this - idc

I hate fking life. I hate myself. I know everyone hates me too. I dont care anymore. I try to help everyone- just to be told I need to work for happiness when it's me that needs help. I go to fking lifeline trying to get support ...... they NEVER put me thru chat - just drop me. I dont matter. I dont exist. I'm just a piece of s. .. ignore me. Crap on me. I don't care anymore. I just dont. Because I do not matter... everyone else does... fk this life and everything in it!

I'm so sorry. That's heartbreaking... And so cruel when you have to beg for help from the medics or charities... who then ignore you!

I feel like a piece of crap quite often. The lowest of the low. Nothing.

Do you need to go to the ER, Crypt?

I am sad you’re hurting so much. People do care. I am worried about you. I wish I could help.

The most they'd do is send me to psych hosp. Psych hosp.would pump.me full of drugs n send me to the same counselors that made my life worse.

I want to go to a diff counselor but not sure which ones my ins takes n my hubby keeps saying "maybe we'll have the money next month" - so it's all a bunch of bs

I just melted down n cried buckets in front of him which I dont usually do bc it usually just pisses him off- but this time he got concerned n said we will try to get me in next month. So maybe it will work - maybe - hes good at changing his mind.

Thank you for caring. Tbh I am worried about me too. Been begging for counseling for 6mo. I cant take much more. I just cant.

I'm sad that you're hurting so much It's very cruel when you have to beg them for help and they ignore you
I'm sending hugs

That's good, that you broke down and cried in front of him. There's no point in pretending.

Yes, focus on that then, maybe, the new counsellor. I totally understand that some of them aren't good.

Big hugs, Crypts. Hang in there, friend.

Life sounds pretty tough just now

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.

I am have been there many times, from my experience they do pass....
Hugs, thinking of you

Were you abused too? (Curious not sarcasm)

Yes, a lot of abuse.

My brain is not the same....

Crypts

Same - screwed with my mind bad. It was the first time for physical abuse (open hand hard hitting n water spray bottle swung at me). First time for abuse period in over 5yrs. Back then the it was emotional and psychological abuse - n counselors said it was understandable he was doing it bc I had turned to internet affairs for positive attention. So - after the fight we had a couple days ago - I was left wondering if I deserved that too - plus trying to figure out why he became that abusive again. Then trying to figure out how to.escape with my 2 small dogs if needed. Then trying to figure out if i.really needed to leave. Then circled into suicidal ideation both bc of constant physical pain (not associated with abuse) n all this other crap now.

So yea .. my mind is all over the place. Sometimes I feel at peace n even safe. Other times I am so mad I could spit nails just thinking about my current situation. Other times I just cry buckets - or keep the tears in for fear he will get mad if I cry. Other times I want to off myself. Other times I am just confused. Other times I am completely hopeless yet not suicidal. I went thru all those in the past 2 days. My mind I'd an utter mess. 💔

I'm so sorry, Crypts. I understand what it's like when the mind swings wildly from one thing to another, desperately trying to find a solution.

Dear friend, I seem to remember its practicalities that are making you feel trapped?

First - he has never been physical prior to this
Second - it has been over 5yrs since he was abusive in any way
Third - the fight started bc I was protecting our puppy from him so I cannot leave our dogs with hi
Fourth - I have not had time to develop an escape plan

Those are the reasons. I am not sure if it was just a onetime loss of control thing - he has psych probs too .. or if hes gonna go back to full time abuse either.. do that makes it hard too

I'm not going to judge in any way. But I'm obviously keen for you to leave.

The 'affairs' are irrelevant. As you said yourself, if the relationship was decent, they wouldn't have happened. People provoke their partners all the time, in all sorts of ways, but it DOESN'T turn into a man's hand flying through the air towards your face.

I know - it doesn't seem reasonable but there are things about him nobody here knows - that give way to the possibility it was just a onetime loss of control due to stress

Agreed - back then it was psychological n emotional abuse not physical. This is the first time for physical. So I guess they considered those types somehow different ...

I dont - in fact the physical abuse he gave me the other day was much easier to handle than the emotional n psychological abuse he used to dish out...

Crypts you are the only one who can make your decisions. Sounds to me like you are doing your best.

I made excuses for too long. Many think physical violence is a good reason to leave. I don't disagree with that but it has to be that person's choice. For me the emotional abuse is much harder to live with. Physical is always emotionally traumatic too.

Our minds have lots of thoughts to process at such a time. You are worth much more than how you are being treated. Try not to give up on yourself. I left, it was the right decision, I don't ever regret it.

Hugs

I get it. As Thirty Shades said, you will have total support no matter what. Please try to be kind to yourself.