[Nerevar]

I've had quite a severe depression two years ago. I had to move far away from my relatives and begin a new work. I moved to a place I didn't like at all (not my choice), that was not suited for me, and work was tremendously difficult because I had not been prepared for the practicalities of this job (teaching at an high school : academically speaking, no problem, but my vocation has always been teaching and research at university, and my four years at university could not make up for my lack of experience with high school classes).
Rapidly I fell into a quite severe depression and my health was bad (loss of weight although I'm very slim usually). But I worked nonetheless except for maybe three days of work lost. It was hellish. I was in no state to improve my competences in pedagogy and class management, while being depressed and trying to do my best to prepare lessons while I was at the lowest level. Let's say that my pupils were unruly, some even more than that, and my work seemed to have no meaning whatsoever.
Really, it was tourmenting. I managed to go on thanks to medication, antidepressant prescribed by my doctor.
Fortunately even though I had not a good reputation amongst my colleagues (I know that in my back my problems with authority and so on were criticized), some were very sympathetic and helpful.
The second year began catastrophically since the administration managed to put me in the same high school while a blank slate elsewhere would have been better for everybody. But let's keep simple. It was hard, but less so than during the first year.

So, where is the rub ? I'm conflicted about these two years. It feels like my brain tries to make me forget those "existential" experiences (if you see what I mean). It is not utterly bad per se : when I ponder about it I feel that I was utterly miserable sometimes, at an unbearable point.
Medication allievated that, of course.
But I've found out that if I'm quite able to intellectually think about it, a part of me would prefer to forget things directly linked to that experience. Despite my efforts I have not managed to send messages to my sympathetic collleagues back there. The reverse is true, actually.
I feel very bad about it because some colleagues have been really helpful. It's strange to be in such a state of having cut those ties to such an extent. But I'm quite ashamed of this reaction of mine, even though it is not exactly a voluntary one.

Sometimes I feel as if these two years had even not existed. Truth to say, they have been quite empty.
But I wonder if this kind of defense mechanism is really helpful or sane. It's probable I'll still have to work at an high school in the future if I don't get a contract next year at university and if I don't choose to quit my secondary education tenure. Thus I wonder not only about my past but also about my future, because I fear that the fact I can't quite look directly at this past experience could be quite an obstacle if I have to prepare myself again to this work.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing these experiences. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. I simply wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you well...

[bpcyclist]

There is no doubt that my memory tries to protect me from trauma by "forgetting" about some of these things. It has been this way all my life.

[Nerevar]

Yes but actually in this precise case I guess it's a bit different. I've got very few memories of two years at school when I was a child because I was surely at least a bit bullied by other pupils there, but it's really kind of utterly suppressed.
Here it's a bit different actually, it's a bit like forgetting but there is also a kind of distanciation, or as if it has happened to someone else and not really me.
Actually I sometimes feel like that in altogether different situations, when I go outside of my comfort zone, sometimes I feel distanciated (it's not really "me").