Not much of a childhood?

Hello all. It's been a while. I hope you've been well. I'm not sure if this is the right forum. I just didn't know where to post because there's so many things going on.

I had a rough childhood. I have trauma and I've grown up in rough neighborhoods, so I had to grow up quickly. I've always been mature for my age. However, it's all beginning to hit me the older I get.

I'm in my late 20s and I'm really beginning to notice that I didn't have a good childhood. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It just...was. I was always focused on being perfect, on succeeding, on being the best from a very young age, since elementary school. All of this while trying to survive in a tough neighborhood and dealing with an abusive relative.

I'm just really confused. Physically I'm in my late 20s but mentally I still feel like someone in their late teens.

I've also come to terms with my gender identity and that also contributes to me feeling like I didn't have much of a childhood.

I'm not sure how to deal with all of this. I've never let myself go, I have a hard time being silly in front of everyone, I'm very self-conscious, I'm very stiff and rigid, I'm socially anxious (which also really affected my childhood and early 20s; it's still affecting me). I just hide myself a lot.

And then I'm stuck in a job that I hate. I'm grateful for an income but it's a horrible job. I work on a hotline and the people who call us are straight up abusive and the employees aren't protected as much as we should be. So it's bringing up all of my childhood issues and trauma.

I have a few close friends who are great but because I've always been in survival mode, I feel like I have to go at everything alone. I wish I had a squad, a group of friends. My friends all have conflicting personalities so hanging out in a group wouldn't be the best idea. I just wish I had a group of friends like my other friends do. They all have their own squad and I'm by myself. =/

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this. All what I know is that I'm getting older and I'm missing a childhood I didn't really have. I'm getting older and I'm trying to find my way into a career that I truly like. And I'm getting older and don't know how much longer I'll have to wait until I can get gender affirmation surgery. I know, I sound like I'm 80something and not in my late 20s but it's still bothering me. Things just seem overwhelming and impossible at times, even though I know they're not. =/

Is there anyone else who felt like they didn't have too much of a childhood due to experiencing some form for abuse/trauma? Or is there anyone here who feels like they have to go at things alone even though they have close friends? Or is there just anyone out there who has felt the same way, in general?

If you read all of this, thanks a lot. <3

Thanks for sharing this. I had to smile when you mentioned sounding like you're 80-something because, although I'm not 80-something yet either, I'm a whale of a lot closer to it than you are. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Of course, for me, it's all mostly in the past now except for the residual effects... which are surprisingly still strong. (I'll spare both of us the details... to the extent I can even remember a lot of them!)

There are articles, in PC's archives, on the subject of healing one's inner child. Here are links to 5 of them just in case you're not already familiar:

Healing Your Inner Child

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child

How I Healed My Inner Child

Healing My Inner Child

3 Therapies to Heal Your Wounded Inner Child

All of the things you mention would be stressful in themselves, StarryPrince, but I can't imagine what you must go through dealing with them all. My heart really goes out to you.

Like you, I also feel that I didn't have much of a childhood due to the volatile nature of my father and my own nature.

I also feel that I am going it alone for much of the time even though I have a couple of close friends. Well . . . one really.

Sometimes it can be a kind of quiet distress where depression and anxiety about the future feed off each other in a vicious cycle.

Those who haven't experienced these kinds of things cannot really understand them deeply, in my opinion.

So sorry for what you are going through. I definitely relate to it.

Hope things improve for you! -- Yaowen

I feel like I can relate, at least, a little bit of your life. For almost my whole life I believed that I had wonderful parents. And then I was reading articles on Psych Central about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). I was curious to read into it just to see what it is. I didn't think it could apply to me. But I read the articles and, WOW!, it described my childhood to a tee! I didn't think it could, but it did.

I grew up in an upper-middle class family. So we had everything we wanted and a little more. Also we lived in nice places. I was an envy of other kids my age at where I lived. My parents were great providers for me. So I guess, because of that, I felt like my parents were wonderful. Well, when it came to emotional support for me from them, then I realized that they were terrible. Money seems to talk.

Also they were pretty much "pillars of the community". My father was an owner of a resort business and I had worked for him. Previously he was a teacher; and was considered the best teacher that school ever had. But he sure wasn't great as a father. People loved my mother a lot, too.

There were a lot of times I would hear nothing but put-downs and criticizing. A lot more of it than good things. Also they got angry very easily. I had heard that they didn't want to have kids when they got married. I sure heard a lot of how "kids can ruin life". My late brother turned out to be gay. I think he ended up like that because he didn't get proper love from my parents. For some strange reason, they came down very hard on him. Much harder than me. My late brother never succeeded in anything and that was sad. So was his death.

I hope this is of help to you. I don't have any suggestions or anything. Best to you.

hey @starryprince
I can really relate to your post. I'm sorry that you've experienced a lot of abuse - and that now you're having to wait for gender affirming surgery. I'm transgender and can really relate to the feeling that I've missed out on my entire childhood/teenage years because I felt so horrendous in my body. Now I'm 30 and have had surgery and feel much less dysphoria, but now feel like I need to go through a childhood because I never developed the "right" way.

Can also relate to not having a happy childhood and feeling much younger than I actually am. Unfortunately I'm not sure how to help with these feelings. With surgery, where you live can you get it through government healthcare, or do you have to finance it yourself? It is really painful not knowing when it will be.

Hello everyone! It's been forever! Sorry i haven't replied to your messages but I just want to say thank you all for your support!

@nikon: And I can get surgery through my insurance! It'll be a hassle but I really hope that they can end up paying for all of it or at least some of it. >__<

Thanks a lot and I hope you're all staying safe during these trying times!