Thoughts on Being Very Depressed

I am a mess . . . and all around me has become a mess. I would rather be dead than feel like this . . . but I tell myself that this is temporary. So - no - I'm in no danger of self-harm. The self-loathing is the worst. I'm not used to that, as I normally like myself pretty well. I don't have a history of lacking self-esteem. Maybe that's why this feels so wretched. It's like I just discovered a few hours ago that I've been kidding myself my whole life, thinking that I was a reasonably alright human being. I feel like Dorian Grey, seeing the revolting portrait of who I really am for the first time. How could I have deluded myself for so long.

Then there's that practical, inner voice telling me to not go overboard in self-recrimmination. Calm down and figure out what's really going on. I had no energy all day . . . stayed on the couch. Tired. Nauseated. Neglecting my S.O., who was fairly content to doze most of the day. And I let him. Didn't make him lunch. (He didn't ask for any, so I felt let off the hook . . . free to indulge in being utterly useless.) Experience tells me this is a transient condition. Just ride it out.

Well, writing this helped a little. I'll wash some dishes. The kitchen is littered with dirty dishes, glasses, pots and pans. While I managed to turn out some meals over the past day or so, I didn't manage to clean up behind myself. Did you ever go into the kitchen to start cooking, while surrounded by the mess left from the last two meals? Did you ever just shove aside dirty pots on the range to make room for the pot of what you want to prepare now? To reduce the danger of fire, I did take off the stove some dirty, crumpled up pieces of paper toweling and a dirty, paper plate put there to hold a spoon. I guess I'll get up and start.

Memo: Getting off the couch and over to the chair has made the prospect of standing up seem less daunting. I'll have to remember this tomorrow. It was too much of a leap to go from lying to standing. I needed to sit upright for a while, as a means of transitioning gradually to getting completely up on my feet.

Hello Rose76, I was moved to read your post titled "Thoughts on Being Very Depressed" that you wrote on 3/20/2020. I am sorry you are going through this "I am a mess" thing. I can’t imagine what you must be going through with being unable to move around much. This must be very hard to talk about being similar to Dorian Grey. Thanks for opening up about what it must have felt when having no energy at all. How are you feeling about everything? I want you to know that you do matter and that you do exist. I just discovered that I truly had the symptoms of severe depression all of my life but I didn't notice it until now. I cannot remember when I was neglectful to kitchen duties. I pretty much made a habit of cleaning up the kitchen every time after dinner each night. How can I help you? Tips? Ideas? Regards -- SaraC

I am so sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation Rose. This type of depression can be incredibly daunting.

That said, I have totally been right where you are. More than once. I remember vividly one day in 2007 standing at the bottom of my steep stairwell, needing to get back up to my bed in order to sleep my life away and thinking, just utterly despondent: There is no way in hell I could ever make it up those steps.

Are you taking anything to specifically help with the energy-robbery/massive fatigue aspect of your depression? I have tried Ritalin, Adderall, and Provigil (modafinil). The Ritalin made me dysphoric--it was terrible. But the other two were basically miraculous for me. I have been on one or the other for 12 years now. I prefer the Provigil, personally.

I would strongly urge you to talk to your pdoc abou trying one of these medications. The quality of life improvement can really be just incredible. I hope you look into it.

Does your pdoc know how much you are currently struggling? Do you need an anitdepressant/moood stabilizer/ atypical antipsychotic med change of some sort, do you think?

Sending you strength and support! Don't give up! Just do what you can do. One hour at a time. Don't worry about big goals right now. Just do what you can. The dishes will get done when they get done. Try not to judge yourself--you are doing the best you can. But that said, I really do believe they would get done a lot sooner were you on Adderall or Provigil. That's just been my own experience as a patient with similar symptoms to yours.

Rose, thank you for writing this.

SaraC, you have helped me with this post. It is hard for me to believe I would be the slightest bit worthy of anyone taking the least notice of my thread. But you have noticed and don't seem to feel I'm only getting the misery I deserve for not taking care of things. I don't judge others harshly, but I've been told I can be hard on myself. For anyone to show me some compassion, when I feel little for myself, is like being offered water in a desert.

I'm sorry to hear you've had your own long history of being troubled by depression. Not everyone has that experience, despite the fact that everyone has known sadness and discouragement.

SaraC, you have helped me with this post. It is hard for me to believe I would be the slightest bit worthy of anyone taking the least notice of my thread. But you have noticed and don't seem to feel I'm only getting the misery I deserve for not taking care of things. I don't judge others harshly, but I've been told I can be hard on myself. For anyone to show me some compassion, when I feel little for myself, is like being offered water in a desert.

I'm sorry to hear you've had your own long history of being troubled by depression. Not everyone has that experience, despite the fact that everyone has known sadness and discouragement.

bpcyclist - thanks for this very supportive post. To hear someone say he's been in my shoes and describe specifically a similar challenge makes me feel so much less alone. I feel less of a human freak.

I take amitriptyline 50 mg every evening. I've been on this for decades. It helps a lot. I rebound much quicker than without it, which has been demonstrated over and over again. I have been prescribed many other drugs like lithium, antipsychotics, mood "stabilizers and anti-parkinson's agents that did nothing. I am interested in your experience with stimulants. I do have Ritalin. Lately I've not taken it regularly. It tends to make me want to sit and ruminate. Sitting is not what I need to do. It does give me a bit of a "lift," and I found taking 10 mg in the a.m., instead of 20 mg, is less likely to set off that amped up thinking that is just a bunch of mentally going around in circles. I will start taking at least that small does daily. Ritalin is the only stimulant I've taken. I am interested in your experience of finding Provigil preferable to Ritalin. I will ask about it next time I see my pdoc.

My pdoc only follows me very loosely. I see him very infrequently. He's elderly and seems kind of disengaged from his practice. Last time I saw him, I asked him to order a thyroid blood test for me, which I was overdue for. He said doing that was inconvenient for him, but he did it. I thought: "How lazy can you be?" I think it took him all of under 2 minutes. I'm on Levothyroxin. Pdocs should care about my thyroid function and my getting appropriate thyroid supplement. I keep my visits to him short and sweet . . . just going in to get the script for the Ritalin. I don't bend his ear about anything, as he's never struck me as interested. He knows next to nothing about me. My 15 minute visit costs several hundred dollars. "Med-management" visits are quite a racket for these guys, IMO. But I'll see if I can get him to try me on an alternative stimulant. It intrigues me that you find this category of drug so supportive.

I did manage to climb out of the pit. What a relief! I was so afraid I was going to be stuck down there for a while. Once I started on the backload of dishes, my mojo started coming back. Just now I've been going through a bag of unopened mail. This lets me regain some semblance of self-respect.

I know I'll probably always have depressive episodes. I accept that. What I fear is getting stuck down in one for too long. I also fear having them occur too frequently. So I'm fairly okay now. I just need to maintain that for a spell. Then life becomes manageable.

Hello rose76, I was very happy to read your response! That must be hard how you were expressing as if you somehow felt like a someone who crawled out from a big, hot, windy desert relieved and drank a big cup of chilled, clean, refreshing, and clear water! My heart really felt compassion for you because I realized that my own depression truly was the main reason which started all of my mental illnesses from the beginning. This must be hard to talk about. Thanks for opening up to me. Let me share my story with you. I was born in the middle seventies to young immigrant parents (with a disability I rather not mention) and it curbed my life out mainly. I was a victim of witnessed trauma event between my parents. Afterwards I was sent out to foster homes at tender age of three years old. Eventually I was adopted to new parents (both have same disability as mine) I began to battle my "dark behaviors" that were performed without my true awareness from age 3 years to 23 years old. My parents (adopted) never took me to a mental health counselor because they did not believe in doctors. Eventually I was sent to mental professional help by my spouse (or husband). It took 15 years for doctors to figure out to diagnose me. I finally (after trial and error) settled to the correct SSRI. Now, I rely on my medicine to help myself survive ever since. My adopted parents have both passed. I still love them very much. It won't be another 6 years when I realized it was depression after all that have shadowed over me since I was 3 years old. It means that I would have to identify my own traits that are automatic depression related. It means I will have to transform myself to a new set of traits that are positive, kind and compassion. There! Pretty much of my life story here. Actually only small percentage (of my life story) shared here. I want you to know that from my own first instant impression/inner sense about you that you seem to be of a courageous, determined and motivated person yourself, you just didn't realize this yourself yet. You DO matter! You are a warrior! Warm wishes, SaraC

Thanks for sharing so much, Sara. You had a lot to deal with from very early in life. I'm glad you found a spouse who knew to get you to some professional mental health care. A supportive partner can make an enormous difference.

Maybe you're learning, as I have, that managing a chronic problem with depression takes effort on the part of the depressed person. An antidepressant can be valuable as an aid, but it's all about doing what should be done, even though you don't feel like it. Thar's why I get alarmed when I see myself vegetating and neglecting things I'm responsible for. That just snowballs into worsening misery.

My biggest problem, when I fall into the pit, is getting started on anything - like the dishes, or the mail. I feel like I'm never going to be interested in anything again. Starting those dishes was like trying to role a boulder uphill. I know it will get easier. But it can take me a long time to talk myself into starting. I need to shorten that time.

I hope today's a decent day for you.

Hello rose76, I was very glad to read your response. I am happy that you are observing your method on how to shorten your waiting time to complete a house task. I myself need to push myself to motivate myself to do my house task too and it's mostly mental drive to push mr to do the task. I am happy you could understand me smd and can relate to me without making fun of me where I could feel comfortable expressing my concern over my problem of delaying a house cleaning task. Do you think you may be able to find a motivation startup idea that will make us complete the house task? I remember it was a reason that a guest was coming to my house and it made me clean or work or complete my delayed house task before the house guest came. Perhaps it is the "rewards ideas system" at the end that might help us get up and do the house task? Maybe a positive response from another household family member(s)? Maybe treat ourselves to a homemade aromatherapy good smelling aroma around the house? Maybe it is the desired relieved feeling we get after cleaning or working on house task? The reward at the end has to be very real to us that would make us get up and do it? Kind regards, SaraC

Hi Sara. When I just now finished a housekeeping task my bf was nagging me to do, I said "Can I get some applause?" So he clapped, good-naturedly.

I want to get the bedroom fixed up as my retreat. He stays in the living room 24/7, so he can sleep semi-sitting. I'ld like to know I could have the bedroom as a cozy place to repair to alone. Right now that room is cluttered. But I could sort through that.

Hi Rose76!! I am very happy on what you did recently with your new achievement in cleaning a single room, one at a time. I was glad that your boyfriend was able to give you a positive, honest feedback. Your efforts means a lot to me because it also helped me to push myself to do a backyard cleaning task too just this evening. Thank you for taking the time to update me today. You are responsive, steadfast and clear-headed on what you are noticing about your depression symptoms and how to find ways to get out of it. What do you need right now? Some ideas on what a retreat might look like? Some tips how to determine on decluttering? I’d love to help you with that. Keep up the good work!! I’m so proud of you! Best planning for your future retreat, SaraC

bpcyclist - I've been in the doldrums. I did take a Ritalin two hours ago. It helped, but the help's already wearing off. It was 20 mg. Maybe I'll take another.

When it kicked in, I got more talkative and gelt more interested in getting moving. I guess that's when I should have got up off the couch.

Part of my problem is this Corona thing. I'm in the house too much . . . kind of afraid of going to the store. Getting groceries is my main recreation from being home, caregiving most of the time. Now my main outlet from household drudgery is not safe to engage in. The worst thing about being a caregiver is how constraining it is. I don't get much break from it. I'm needed continually, around the clock. Throw another layer of constraint on my options, and it feels so oppressive.

I know I'm making it worse than it has to be. But the threat is real. Leaving the apartment entails some danger. I hate feeling constantly under this threat. So does everyone else, but most people aren't giving in to giving up.