Hopeless

I find myself opening this paper again, completely hopeless and lost, just about as much as I was last year. I have drunk maybe once every three months from that, it is incredibly rare for me to go out and party which is a good thing. I don’t really know how to deal with this anymore, and I did something rash today. About a year ago from today I went into my garage with [REDACTED]. I could not fully commit however because I couldn’t bear the thought of having my family find me like that. Today I [REDACTED] but unfortunately, he has it locked. I feel an edge like no other, one that could only be let up by killing myself. I’m depressed, sad, feel like no one wants me (which isn’t true, but that’s how it feels). I am sick and tired of Earth, and all the poor choices I have made, and living with the guilt of hurting all the people that I have. I know I will never truly get what I want out of life, but even if I did have what I wanted I wouldn’t change. I feel like I used to be a whole different person who was optimistic and loved life, but now I hate everything that it brings to the table. I know I won’t ever find a suitable woman; I know I will never be a famous athlete or musician; I feel like I am just put here on earth to suffer. I am tired of being a financial burden on my family and on my friends, it is extremely embarrassing. I have been thinking about killing myself nonstop, constantly for what seems like forever. Being sad is apart of life, but this is not, I cannot deal with this any longer.

Paradoxically, hopelessness can have its upsides.
What do you know does not work for you?