Set a Boundary and Now My Mom Won't Talk to Me

My relationship with my mom is very difficult. She has no filter on her mouth. Whenever I call she tells me all kinds of negative and horrific stuff about her immediate family and the people she has to deal with. But there are times I call and we focus on cooking and spirituality. So I keep trying.

Recently she told me about someone who was abusing animals. She went into awful detail about it. I was traumatized hearing all that. I never dump on her. I talk about fun and happy things. The worse I talk about is my health. But never whining or complaining. I felt ill all day after hearing that. So I sent her an email and asked that she not discuss things like that with me. I took it one step further and asked that she not discuss this individual with me at all.

It's been a week now. She won't answer my phone calls. She ignores my texts. She's ghosted me without saying a word. So I guess now I'm scum of the earth. I was just trying to protect myself yet still have a relationship with her. I don't understand.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you really want to have a positive connection with your mom. Has she given you the silent treatment like this before? I think you did the right thing to set a boundary with her. If she’s not used to you doing this then maybe this is her way of pushing back to “test” the boundary?

Thank you! I set a boundary like this before with my mom. She didn't like it then either. She just argued with me. But now she has ghosted me. She's not done that before. I know in the past she has cut ties with my sister. I'm not sure about my mom testing me. It feels pretty permanent. I unfriend her from facebook, removed her from my phone and deleted her email address. I don't want anymore contact with her. If she can do this she's not much of a person. She's always been a problem for me. I am starting to think that I am better off without her. After all, it's obvious she doesn't care or love me.

Good for you for setting a boundary with your mom! I’ve been setting boundaries with my mom lately and at first she resisted. It didn’t feel good. She’s coming around though. I think your mom will come around. She may not be used to boundaries and is having to process this change. Hang in there. Sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you! Maybe she will change her mind. I don't really know. But I guess there is hope. For now, I will carry on like she doesn't exist.

I’ve endured this mother/daughter dynamic my whole life. Cutting her out completely was too hard on me emotionally. All you say is true, but still I wanted to have a mother.

Mine has laughed at my attempts at boundaries and ran over them. She has given me the silent treatment. She has slandered me to the rest of the family, even making stuff up.

But then there’s the good side of her and the mother I want to have. So, now I keep a safe distance. I call (but less often), I don’t fight with her. When she goes on talking about people who she knows treated me horribly and I don’t want to hear about, she doesn’t care. She insists on doing it and told me “too bad” when I asked her to stop. She also did nothing to help to situation, only made it worse between me and my sisters. And she lied to them again me to vilify me. Nice mom?

But she’s also very good sometimes, and entertaining to talk to. She’s been nice and supportive. It’s a mixed bag and complicated, as I’m sure it is for you.

I eventually accepted minimal contact and no boundaries. I don’t call her as much as she’d like and she doesn’t respect my boundaries as I would like. My mom is 85, so I figure she doesn’t have much life left and I’d rather have contact.

I know you have a very difficult, personal choice. There is no right answer, only what’s best for you.

Yes, there is a nice side to my mom, but I rarely see that. I was hoping to go visit her once lockdown was over. She has a big place with a garden. It would have been nice to sit outside with coffee. But I have my patio, which is nice too. I'll make due with what I have. I'm glad you've come to some sort of understanding with your mom. You're right. Better some contact then none. Especially if they're aging.

I finally heard back from my mom. I sent her an email last night and she replied this morning. She said writing emails is better. She can censor what she says. She also said she's too busy to talk on the phone. But that doesn't make sense to me, cause her other children and grandchildren call her. She doesn't have to lie. She must still be angry. Oh well, I tried.