Not doing what I need, ugh

Well that hospitalization did not do much but give me more body aches. I have the skills but don't use them. I've been through DBT, been in therapy for 15 years, and have attended grad school for counseling. Like I said I have the skills, why do I not use them?

I spent a lot of today listening to music. Has it helped? Not really. It's kept my mind occupied, but the very act of doing nothing is driving me nuts!! Then why don't I do something?? I know it would help! Yet here I sit, typing on PC. I know part of the reason is I don't feel like doing much, and I can't decide on what to do. I am down, and my body is telling me to rest. But emotionally I need to be doing something.

I just need to be accountable to do something. I need to feel that putting my oxygen mask on first is important. Yet, here I sit. I need to do something to get me out of this deep pit! I need to decide, and take action. In therapy, I have discussed this I decision, and saying I don't know often. I need to build the skills up, but I'm scared that my life will change. But it needs to change.

I'm frustrated that I have suffered this long. I need consistency. But for some reason, something holds me back. I know I'm not the only one. I need to hear from you, do you let fear hold you back, and how have you overcome this feeling of fear?

Thank you @puzzclar for sharing this.
I am sorry you're going through so much and that you feel your fear is holding you back.
I know that feeling all too well and I still have to overcome this fear of failing/harming that I have. Somehow my mind is always finding a way to paralize me with that. But I am trying to learn more about this fear so that it's not this big, dark shadow swallowing me whole and squeezing me breathless. Regarding some aspects of my life I'd like to think I've grown stronger and am maybe even able to channel my fear. And with others I am still struggling ...still trying.
But reading how you haven't given up and it sounds like you've had quite the journey so far gives me hope,too. Thank you for that and I wish you all the strength to keep on. You are marvelous.

Hello, Puzzclar. Good to hear from you.
Me too.
If "it" is fear, I am not conscious of it as fear. I experience it as apathy or a paralysis of will.
I have not overcome it. That's my short answer. The longer but tentative, partial answer is that at times - times I cannot manufacture - focus and energy meet. At those rare times I can do a little. Regrettably, I am not doing a good job of stringing together these times and their tiny accomplishments.

I know I'm changing. I will ask and point out to my pdoc tomorrow, I hope, that the antipsychotic meds are not worth it anymore. I've been on too many and had too many bad reactions and side effects. It is time for me to get off that class of meds and see what happens. I know I'll be fine or I may need a short term medication but not every day. I have noticed that I have more hope now. Like things will start to change. I did email my t, and he wants a full discussion but it won't happen until the June 13. I'm on my own. I hope I get support on this decision, and not a look of are you nuts, you just got out of the hospital. All I have had for the last at least 6 years is more hospitalizations and more failed medications. I haven't had progress and I've been stuck!

I'm tired of this constant trial and error. It's time to let the tools work that I have learned for behavior modification. I know I have this, but I can't do this alone.

Besides, I have had a few auditory hallucinations, and have not been helped by medication.