I'm alone since my boyfriend died yesterday and getting in bad shape. Please help me

Yes, it was special between the two of you. That is something you will always have and that no one can take from you.

It's good to read that his family showed you respect for taking such good care of him Rose. You loved him enough to put up with the negative behaviors he displayed at times, that's not something everyone can do. It's important that you give yourself a lot of credit for all that YOU did for him. To give yourself credit for YOUR OWN value in this relationship. It's important to recognize YOUR own value because that doesn't change now that he is gone. We tend to look for those gold stars from others to let us know we are worthy, yet, the important thing we all must learn is to affix our OWN gold stars for ourselves. For instance, you shared that the end was very hard, that he did not go easy and the reality was actually "traumatic" for you. YET, Rose, you DID IT, you stuck with it even though it was so very hard. Make sure you give yourself credit where credit is due. And that's what the people that showed you respect were telling you at his funeral. And to be honest with you, not only did you see it to his physical end, but you also accompanied him to his funeral and had to face his family and even your own family alone on that journey. Not one of those individuals made it a point to be there at the end for him. And you had enough respect for them that you would have welcomed their presence and their need for their own closure. I find myself wishing my older sister was like that because what I faced with my parents when they were dying was "cruel". For myself, it was traumatic that my parents were dying, but even more traumatic in how cruel my older sister could be and continues to be. Actually, I have been hovering around this depression forum because I AM battling depression and badly. Thats how I noticed your significant other had finally passed. Well, you never had it easy, and you deserve to have plenty of gold stars for all you had to deal with, so PLEASE make sure you allow yourself to recognize that.

I actually envy that you have time to sit in his place, feel him around you and have time to grieve that privately. Oh how I wanted to experience that for myself. I wanted so badly to have private time at my parent's home to just sit and grieve them and I was treated "so badly" not only when the door was open, but once I got inside and tried to just sit there and FEEL and grieve. My sister had alread set up the stage even with a police officer outside to completely intimidate me. She wanted me to get angry, well, that failed, even though she kept invading me and kept intruding when I just wanted privacy to sit and grieve. I ended up shaking uncontrollably and she was so bad that my brother had to ask the policeman three times to please tell my sister to leave me alone. I envy that you can quietly sit in his place and grieve him and that you got to be there for him until he passed. Please KNOW he was very lucky that you loved him and were so loyal to him despite the fact that he did not always appreciate that the way you deserved. Your title says "please help me" so I am trying to honor that request by trying to help you see YOUR VALUE in all that you have been through with this man you dedicated so much of yourself to. Just leave some room in your mourning to recognize your own value because that is important to think about while you slowly find your way to accepting that your constant caring for him has now been relieved by his passing.

It's going to take you some time to get used to not having to constantly tend to him. Each time you feel that old pattern, it's important that you remind yourself that you carried out your caregiving really well and it's ok to finally let go and slowly find your way to having time to yourself again. Watch a good movie, read a good book, fuss with your apartment, sleep in late if you want to. Eventually, think about going swimming again and finally doing for yourself again which includes allowing yourself time to accept and adjust.

Unless your name is on the apartment rental/lease agreement, you are not responsible in any way for cleaning it. It was not your apartment. They want you to clean their tenant's apartment. Good grief.

Just get whatever you want to keep, then inform them you are turning your boyfriend's keys in. Tell them as it's not your apartment, and you have health issues, you can't take on the responsibility of cleaning it. You have your own apartment to take care of.

Dear Rose, This is a novel that you should be writing, sharing. You are obviously a wonderful writer. And you'd be helping other people who are or have gone through many of these same things. I'm glad you can at least have till the end of June, regarding the apartment. But the best part is, you know the truth about your beautiful love for each other. It's wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. And by the way, we love you.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

i should go to sam's pharmacy for a med they have ready for me. i feel like just going back to sleep. but i got to not overdo the sleeping thing, which I'm inclined to do.

I just woke up from a brief nap. A thought went through my mind, coming from I don't know where. This is awful to share here.

The thought was: Now I'm not special or important to anyone. I'm not a student. I'm not an employee. I'm not a part of a family that lives together. I'm no one's significant other. What I do, or don't do, for the rest of the day doesn't matter to anyone.

His family never cared much about me and won't start now. I got one responsible sister far away who will make the occasional phone call because she's a responsible person. If I start having any real difficulties, I'll be a burden to her.

I'm alone . . . and I don't really matter to anyone.

I guess the Ativan I took this morning wore off. I was taking it when I would start uncontrollably sobbing. Then I'ld be reasonably calmed down for awhile.

But I'm not hysterical or sobbing now. I'm alone in a quiet apartment. I have this thought that . . . I'm unloved and I no longer matter to anyone.

I feel like this is thinking straight out of hell.

A lot of times, when family say, "I hope you'll be alright." what they really mean is, "I hope you're not going to become a crazy person who can't take care of herself, so now we've got to be burdened with worrying about you. I don't want to be the person whom those who know her have to feel pity for . . . and wish she wasn't a worry to them.

I better get up and go to the store.

Without him, I'm not anything important to anyone. This feels awful lonely.

Up until now, I thought I was in grief because I missed him and his love. But now I realize that I didn't just lose a man I loved deeply . . . . . I lost the only person in the world to whom I really mattered.

How am I going to figure my way out of this?

You have God, Rose. And you have us. And when you become a member of that grief support group, you will matter to them & will probably gain a new friend.

Rose, join a grief support group. There are specific ones for widows (which applies to you) or generic ones.

There are some on meetups in my area (probably resume after pandemics or some virtual), the rest you can find online for now, I sent you a link. Or PM your location to me and I’ll find some for you if you are too overwhelmed at the moment.

A friend of mine, a widow, made couple of good friends in widow support group. You’ll make friends and you’ll matter to them

When you feel better you can also volunteer. Doesn’t need to be anything strenuous. Soup kitchen. Food pantry. Etc etc When I volunteer at a homeless shelter (occasional) I noticed that several people know each other well. Seemed to be friends. They volunteer together on the same days and became friends

I know it’s hard to see it now but you will matter to people when they get to know you. You matter to us

There are things you can do that can bring you a feeling that you matter Rose. You can adopt a little dog that needs a person to love it. It’s amazing how a little dog can get you up and out for walks and provide you with unconditional love. It’s been learned how that can improve a persons life and extend a persons life.

You have not even checked out support groups for others who are grieving. For all you know there may be a lonely man that lost his wife and is also lonely.

Up to this point your life revolved around your SO. Well now you are free to explore. You HAVE value, you just need to explore and find that out. Once you get things finished and your life is yours you can explore.

You can make it. I hope the best for you.

Thank you . . . I mean it.

And Rose, Before anything or anyone else, you have got to matter to yourself. You are worthy, you know yourself as an individual soul before God, better than anyone. You know your life, your trials, your successes, failures and challenges, better than anyone else possibly ever could.

Do you really think you are lacking in the eyes of God, because you have just completed an extremely taxing mission of putting another soul before yourself for many years and are now alone?

Please, give yourself credit. You don’t require someone else needing you, to give you value.

Please, please at this point give yourself permission to rest with the knowledge of a job well and faithfully done.

I remade the hospital bed. In the daytime, we would do it up to look like a daybed- like a couch. He loved when I got that done in the morning.

I thought once I got started that I'ld pick up momentum. I always did when he was here. I'll try to do more. I have to do it.

You've all done your best. I don't expect handholding every hour. Even patients in psych hospitals don't get that. Far from it.

I feel like I have no reason for doing anything. Oh, I know I could chose to do nothing for tonight. But that will just make me feel worse.

My boyfriend and I were a family. Every human needs to belong to a family. I'm not young anymore. Not that I'ld want to go re-live one of my younger years. I know I'm seriously depressed. Aside from the grief, I'm depressed. I've known all along that my main fear wasn't bearing the grief, but being overcome with depression. I'm not completely overcome yet.

Depression, I believe, is more of a symptom than a disease. I'm depressed because I'm very lonely.

I'm not lonely just because I'm alone. I'm afraid I will always be lonely. That's based on experience. Before I met him, I was very lonely. I lived alone for years. When I was 30, I was almost to where I couldn't stand it. I met him when I was 31. I'm afraid it's going to be like when I was in the years leading up to age 30.

It's not normal for a person in fresh gruef to be all alone. That's what family and friends and neighbors are for. My family are 2000 miles away. Being with them didn't work out too good either. My sister got drinking and turned hostile. So I spent 4 nights in a hotel. The place wasn't cheap, but it was pretty grim. But I didn't feel as bad there as I do here now.

Yes you could choose to do nothing. Yet doing “something has always helped you more Rose. It’s important to know yourself and what works for you.

You probably do have some depression. That may be what contributes to that alone feeling you are describing.

Right now you are experiencing a lot of feelings and some reflection. You are very intelligent so your mind will come up with a lot of thoughts.

Yes you and your significant other were like a family. And like all relationships not perfect. We all can experience a certain “aloneness”. It’s part of being human.

I know it’s early yet but I do think it would help you if you sat and searched for a grief support group. You are not the only one that has lost a life partner and is experiencing loneliness. You have to push yourself a bit to make an effort to connect. You never know what’s out there unless you explore.

I get it that it’s too fresh yet. Just don’t talk yourself into giving up.

I feel better now. I did enough picking up to where I made a serious dent.

But I did something else. My leg had been bothering me for hours whenever I walked (Maybe from walking yesterday all over a very large airport, lugging stuff, during the layover where I changed planes.) So I dug out my meds from a suitcase and took Vicodin. What I took was 15 mg of hydrocodone. Besides relieving physical pain, it tends to make me feel mentally better. I think it reduced my mental pain a good bit, along with my satisfaction at getting some tidying up done.

Now I want to go to sleep. I'm tired.

Dreamed a lot. One involved a cousin of mine who passed away.

Main thing this morning is to take a shower.

Tomorrow I want to leave a message for the psychiatrist over where I get my healthcare. When he gets back to me, I want to tell him that this is too painful for me and that I want him to prescribe Ativan for me. I'm afraid he'll say "no" because I already get hydrocodone for physical pain. So maybe I better not ask for the Ativan.

This is too painful. I want to tell them I can't take the pain. I want to tell them, "Don't leave me in this much pain. It's too much."

I had some Ativan that hospice prescribed for my boyfriend. So I've used it a few times - in the hotel room and on the layover coming back by plane. I got almost hysterical on the layover and was surprised how the Ativan interrupted that.

I need that help. But I'm afraid to ask.

I'm in too much pain since waking up - psychological pain. My heel is sore. I was trying to hold off taking a pain pill for it. Last night the pain pill I took for physical pain calm my mind to where I felt okay mentally. So I'll take a Vicodin now. Maybe it will relieve my mind. It takes an hour to kick in.

I'm starting to feel easing of the mental pain, along with lessening of physical soreness. Looking at the time of my post above, I see it's about exactly an hour. This relief will actually increase over the next 2 hours. Then plateau for a bit. Then start to gradually wear off. It might make how I feel bearable for 6 hours. When it was just physical pain, relief could last even a good bit longer, if I wasn't engaged in activity that was physically stressful.

Emotional pain affects the same area of the brain as physical pain so it's not surprising that medication for physical pain reduces the affects of your emotional pain. Don't be embarrassed or afraid to talk to your doctor and let him know what's going on and what you found brought you some relief. He may prescibe more vicodin for you or have you try something that may work better that addresses the emotional and anxiety.

Remember that you had a pattern for a long time where you got up and were busy. You are going to feel better if you do things because of that pattern. Part of how you feel is very similar to a person that retires and is suddenly no longer living a routine. And this feeling of being useful or that you matter that you don't feel now is the same thing a person can feel once they retire unless they have something else they get involved in that keeps them in a "functioning" pattern. Actually, this pandemic and how it has affected people's normal patterns has caused a lot of people to struggle and feel depressed, it's that same challenge.

Rose, lets take advantage of your intelligence and logical mind. The human brain is set up to "navigate" and the human being does best when engaging in using the navigational that the brain can engage everyday. You did not choose be totally seditary, instead you made that hospital bed up and when it was done you looked at it and FELT better. That's because you engaged in some kind of "navigation" that got something accomplished. If you sit and think about it Rose, that's ALWAYS been your pick me up.

Not for nothing, but I remember how you had to have your own place because you were not always appreciated the way you deserved by your boyfriend. He would be nice and then get grumpy with you so you had to have your own place. He would contribute to your feeling bad so you would go to your own place, feel depressed and your place got to be a mess. Then you would get sick of it and clean and make your place nice and that ALWAYS made you FEEL BETTER. It was YOUR own place and you fixed it up FOR YOURSELF and when you invested in making it nice FOR YOURSELF, you always FELT BETTER. That is what you need to do MORE of, take pleasure in doing things FOR YOURSELF.

Do you know that when a person is kept so busy caregiving like you have and the person they are caregiving for dies, they actually feel "relief"? Oh, they don't always say it, but they do feel it and often think it's awful that they FEEL that sense of relief. Well, it's not being a "bad" person to have that feeling or means you should feel guilty. It is a part of finally having time to "self care" better.

You talked about getting off the plane and feeling lost because he was not there "waiting for you" right? Well, you loved him but he was not always appreciative. And part of what you love that you don't realize is navigating with a sense of purpose. Well, you DESERVE to have a sense of PURPOSE for yourself. And I KNOW when you engage with that you end up FEELING BETTER. Your list of all the things you are "not"? Well, you can find a way to be a student, and contribute to others, you are certainly smart enough. Yes, his life is over, YOURS doesn't have to be. You are free to explore more Rose.

What a blessed relief! I'm actually okay now. I wish I could remember for sure whether I took 10 or 15 mg of hydrocodone. I think I took 10. Often that's enough. I hope it was 10. I remember telling myself that I want to not run out before I can get a refill.