I'm alone since my boyfriend died yesterday and getting in bad shape. Please help me

((((Rose)))) It is OK to feel the emotional roller coaster. The sorrow of grief can come and go in waves. That is what it felt like when I lost my Bob. I would be OK for a few months... and then I just wanted to be with him. This world had no meaning to me.

But those were waves and I knew I could ride them out. I had to be true to myself. Acknowledge your loss. Accept the heartache. And reach out to professionals if you need to do so.

The one thing that helped me the most was to think about what I could do here on Earth with my life that would help other people. Focusing on myself was pointless. But others need us (you and me) to be there for them. We understand loss and grief. We know what it feels like to loose someone we love so deeply. And we know how to ride those waves of grief. We can help others now.


You will grieve like this in waves. But you will get stronger and stronger with each one. And those lows will get further and further apart. Keep your head above water. And allow yourself to just feel the waters of emotion. Be true to yourself and your heart. And remember that others are there to help you if you need a raft. Just ask for a rope :-)

Besides the grief, I have my old problem with depression. They are two different things. One can reinforce the other, but they each are independent. Right now I'm having a worse time with my old foe, depression.

I miss my love of many years, but I am kind of relieved to be free of the constant caregiving. It was like I had been losing him in hunks, one after another, over the past 7 years or more. Dementia took a lot of his personality years ago. (I was lucky in that he didn't have the kind of dementia that made me a stranger to him. Our bond was intact. The love got even stronger.) But he was very diminished by his set of illnesses. Mobility was gone. In the end, he couldn't stand. He needed me to do everything for him. Respiratory infections would bring delirium, which was awful for him. He would be horribly restless and anxious. Those infections were coming closer and closer together (related to his lung cancer.) He came home from the hospital on a Friday, feeling pretty okay. It was Memorial Day weekend, and we enjoyed it. By Monday, he had signs of becoming acutely ill again. His oxygen level was dropping. He lost interest in eating. He was more confused. By Saturday of that week, I knew he was dying. Another trip to the hospital would be torturing him for nothing. In 24 hours, he was gone. I am glad he was released from that suffering. Physically, I coukd not have lasted much longer. It had become around the clock constant tending to him. So I was ready to let go of him.

Now I am out of his apartment and back in my own, which is quite a mess. I have to organize this place, which is in chaos. I have freedom, but it was easier when his needs kept me on a daily schedule. It's almost 3 p.m. and I'm just getting up and dressed. I'm free to vegetate, and I've been vegetating. This is my old tendency to be inactive and anxious and depressed. I don't have his needs driving me. I have a house that's topsy-turvey, and I don't know where to begin. I'm unmotivated.

Last night I kind of hit bottom. I was calling hot lines to say that my anxiety and depression were beyond what I could cope with. I was crying for help, and I was dissatisfied with what I was being told on the hot lines. Today I'm facing that I have a lot of work to do and I just have to do it. A lot of it can't be delegated, and it's tedious, and there's no medication or therapy session that is going to put a bunch of wind in my sails and speed me along. I have a lot of boring, painstaking work to do. I have always had some hoarding tendencies, and that's what my apartment looks like now. I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies about cleanliness and orderliness that are horribly frustrated at the moment. Because I'm not living in a neat, orderly environment I want to give up trying to look after anything, including myself. It is hard for me to make myself brush my teeth or fix my hair.

This is depression. But I'm willing to try to use what's left of the day. I have to clean and sanitize a refridgerator that was ignored for over 3 years. It's not awful with food rotting in it. I never let things here get that dirty. But my neurotic anxiety over cleanliness is obsessing over feeling I can't put fresh food into that refridgerator, until I perform some ritual of purging it of unseen contamination. So I have no food in it. I've been driving to McDonald's once a day to buy a hamburger and fries . . . when not eating has me so hungry I have to do something. I have this bunch of neurotic tendencies that I can't even explain to anyone. They make me irrational, and I can't explain that to anyone. I find myself taking forever mulling over tiny decisions. His daily needs kept me on track. Now nothing is keeping me on track.

I'm going to get up now and tend to a few things - like the refridgerator. Maybe I will gain some momentum and feel better. I think this is going to be a hard slog. I won't have the gratification of someone smiling at me because I've made things better. The refridgerator won't smile and thank me for rendering it clean . . . the way he would after I showered him and made him feel nice and fresh. I am surrounded by inanimate objects that are without souls. Yet they need a great deal of attention to make them part of an orderly environment fit to live in. I have to interact with all this stuff. Nothing in this apartment will respond to me as a living person does. But I have to attend to it. Nothing here is warm, or has a pulse. But I must pay a great deal of attention to it, or I'll be in too much chaos to be able to get organized enough to do more gratifying, purposeful things. That is the long range plan. When I'm organized, I can find things to do in my community that will have meaning for me.

I think the priority should be your refrigerator. You need to put healthier foods in it so you can eat healthier Rose. Mac Donald’s food is not good to eat every day. Maybe if they have the salads but you need better fuel to help you get going. Are you taking vitamins?

Also your PC friends are here to praise and appreciate what you accomplish. Many know depression and how much effort goes into getting your place put back together. ((((hugs)))

I finally started sorting through mounds of disorganized paperwork.

I came across a post card I sent him one time when I was away. I had written on it how much I wished he was with me. Suddenly all the pain came flodding back - the pain of him not being with me anymore. I got so much happiness from being with him. This freedom I have now is just emptiness. He was my greatest joy. For 35 years he was there. I don't know how I manage to keep breathing without him.

For weeks I've been thinking of the very sick man he was these past few years, and I was glad his suffering was over. The card was something I sent to him before he got real sick . . . back when I could leave him for a week, and he'ld be waiting for me to return. He'ld be waiting at the airport. He'ld be so full of joy to see me back. I'ld be so happy to see him waiting for me. That will never happen again. I wish I had left this world with him.

This is how I was June 23rd when I got sent to the psych hospital. I got better once before. I suppose I will get better again. Or will this pain keep coming back.

So much has gone wrong.

You will get better again. Things always swing back and forth.

I'm so sorry your old depression is back again. Are you still in IOP?

Thank you, MntnTime. I did that IOP program back in 2004. I'm not currently in any kind of therapy. I don't think I necessarily have to get therapy now. I need to not give up on getting things done.

I've recovered from depression a thousand times. I just got awful discouraged because I just recently had a horrible bout of depression - back on June 23rd that landed me on a psych unit for 8 days. Then I was fine for several weeks. When attacks of depression come close together, I start thinking that I can't sustain being well mentally for very long. Then I start thinking there's no use even trying.

But, this afternoon, I got feeling like I'm coming out of depression. Now, if I can just make this frame of mind last a decent amount of time.

I believe in you and will continue having you in my thoughts.

Thank you.

I've gotten back to where I was when I started this thread. I managed to be okay for a while here and there over the past 2 plus months. That has fizzled out.

I feel so bad. He was what made living feel worthwhile to me. I don't know what to do.

It’s only been a couple months, he was a part of your life for 35 years it’s going to take time to adjust to him being gone. This not something anyone can prepare for either. It’s something we have to live through. You will have these periods where you feel this. It’s going to be ok.

I know this is grief.

Good, it's ok to experience this grief (((Rose))).

Yesterday you felt grief, but you also were able to accomplish some things too. You did GOOD!! You managed to get up and get dressed and drive yourself to get those errands done Rose, that was GREAT!

Rose, you are amazing. You are such an inspiration. And so are you, Open Eyes.

Huge hugs and much respect to both of you.

I appreciate everyone being so hopeful for me. I'm grateful for the understanding and encouragement.

I know grief can be expected to be painful. But it's worse than I expected. I feel in despair.

I did do a few constructive things yesterday. Today I'm in way worse shape. I try to tell myself that this is temporary. But I know what my life was like before I met my s.o. It was desperately lonely.

I've got this pile of psychotr

I appreciate everyone being so hopeful for me. I'm grateful for the understanding and encouragement.

I know grief can be expected to be painful. But it's worse than I expected. I feel in despair.

I did do a few constructive things yesterday. Today I'm in way worse shape. I try to tell myself that this is temporary. But I know what my life was like before I met my s.o. It was desperately lonely.

I've got this pile of psychotropic meds that have been prescribed in the last couple of months. I'm not taking most of them.
Seroquel is letting me sleep at night, so I may stick with that for awhile. Then there's the amitriptyline that I've taken for years.

I think living alone is not working out too good. Some friends have tried to help. My family, though they're far away, have tried and been very caring. I'm still disintegrating inside.

(((Rose))) right now you have two challenges going on with both the depression and the grief. Both these challenges are lonely. I have been going through that myself. Even though I have my husband around is still been lonely and even more so in that my husband has been frustrated and impatient watching me struggle and all that did was contribute to my feeling guilty and that I was a burden.

My husband was capable of being active and busy and here I was often feeling like I was literally trudging through a heavy molasses. I was grabbing at bricks trying and he would often come home pointing out things I did not do rather than helping me feel good about what I did manage to do.

Mornings tend to be hard too which a lot of people dealing with depression experience. Adding to that the grief is even harder. Yet if you do manage to do something it’s definitely a gain. In my case the ongoing toxic I have been experiencing from my sister has made the grief even worse. Then I got real bad and made that tearful lonely call only to end up with the police suddenly in my home and that turned into a horrible day which was the last thing I needed.

So that’s when I made the decision to try the cymbalta. It was not an instant fix either. It really has been taking it one day at a time. I started to feel improvement at two weeks. At least I was not having weeping spells every day. It’s really been one day at a time and some days I slept most of the day too. And it’s still been for the most part a lonely journey and I often feel pressure to somehow be better as my husband is watching and in all honesty it makes it harder. It gets frustrating because my husband isn’t experiencing what it’s like for me.

So I have been working on ignoring that challenge and been sticking with the medication and taking it one day at a time.

So it’s the challenge itself that tends to be lonely and adding the grief is hard. When you accomplish anything I honestly know it’s a big deal. Some days will be better than others. It’s ok if you have a bad day yet you may find part of your day that you manage to do something and that’s a positive.

So that being said did you get the Latuda yesterday? If so how about starting that to see if it helps. It MAY help Rose. I know you have tried other meds but this one may help.

I'm sorry your husband is such a poor source of solace. That is a very lonely situation.

I did get the Latuda. I guess it's the latest, hottist thing that they're making a buck on. I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but a lot of experience has brought me to why I think as I do. After picking up the Latuda, I researched it. It costs abouy $1500 for a one month supply. The reviews I read, some written by highly credentialed doctors, don't see this drug as much better than what's out there for cheaper. It's being hyped big-time because guess why? The drug company that makes it stands to rake in a fortune selling this stuff. It was supposed to be for schizophrenia. There are a lot more depressed people than there are schizophrenics. So all the big drug companies claim the stuff they sell for the truly psychotic also can help the depressed. And doctors jump on the band wagon because they do want to help their depressed patients, who seem to keep getting depressed, despite all the drugs they've already tried. I've been put on so many of these drugs over the years that ended up doing nothing for me. The idea that a person is depressed because their brain is sick and needs medicine underlies all this. I think a lot of depression is a problem in the mind of a person whose brain may be working just fine. People get bad ideas in their minds that cause a lot of difficulty, even if their brains don't have any real neurological disorders. But every patient wants to believe that they are a victim of some kind of damage to their brain, rather than consider that they are not using the quite decent brain that nature furnished them with.

Cymbalta costs about $5000 for a year supply. If the insurance company or the government said, "Here, O.E., take this $5000 we are going to give you. You can use it to buy Cymbalta, or you can spend it any other way you like." I bet you'ld think of something a lot better to do with the money, rather than spend it on Cymbalta. I think you'ld be happier too.

Antipsychotics, like Latuda, can do very bad things to a person. One of them is to cause a "movement disorder," like akathisia. I've experienced akathisia. Having that is way worse than being depressed. In my case, akathisia has been temporary. I remember seeing people in nursing homes with "movement disorders," from being on antipsychotics for years. It is horrifying. Now there are even commercials on TV about people getting tardive dyskinesia from taking their "very important medicine for bipolar disorder." They are referring to antipsychotic medicine, which probably harmed these people way more than it helped them.

Cymbalta is not an antipsychotic. It's potential for doing harm is probably less. Studies have shown that Cymbalta does help alleviate depression, but not any better than older antidepressants that are cheap as dirt. My amitriptyline goes for less than $20 a month. If you had that $5000 to spend as you liked, you might rather get that amitriptyline at $240 for a year's supply and spend the balance on something else.

I think a lot of what passes for "psychiatry" is a farce.

I don't think meds are going to help me much. What helped me in the hospital those 8 days was the human contact. I got it from staff and from peers. I told myself to interact as much as possible, and I did. Now I am home alone, which is not working out. I got phone calls today from others who are concerned about me. That helps while I am talking to them. Soon as I get off the phone, I am back feeling awful, missing my guy who is gone and won't be back.

When my dog died in 2006, the grief was way worse than I expected. It took 5 years to feel fully over it, where I could think of my dog and smile.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I need someone to be with. Maybe I should get a other dog.

I actually had the same opinion you have Rose. I too felt that antidepressants were prescribed too much and that a person should learn how to function better other ways. I was really trying to do better without drugs. I too had tried a few antidepressants and did not like the side effects or did not like how I felt on them.

Yet I was getting worse and genuinely losing the battle and finally decided to try the cymbalta. I have noticed an improvement. I noticed that when I go out to feed that I don’t feel like I am running a marathon. I also noticed that I was not weeping everyday either.

So I do see improvement but it did take about three weeks as the pdoc and my therapist mentioned it would. Also I met people that said cymbalta works great for them and they too mentioned it takes about 3 weeks. So I decided to bite the bullet and try it. Also I am on state insurance so it costs me nothing. So it’s not about expense.

I agree that some problems are due to the mind but I also think that people can suffer with chemical imbalances that can cause them to genuinely suffer.

Rose when it comes to losing a life partner there is a period where interacting with others helps and most people at first are stunned. The challenging part is what you are going through now in facing the reality of the individual no longer being part of your everyday life. Most do speak of the loneliness you describe too. Also questioning how they can move forward alone.

So what you are experiencing is more normal than you realize. Actually even when a person experiences an unexpected divorce that too is a loss and incredible challenge to figure out how to move forward despite this loss too.

Yes this is hard. (((Hugs)))).

Thanks. Yes, it's hard. I'm glad you feel better on the Cymbalta. Stress definitely can disrupt the normal working of the brain. I'm in favor of taking anything that makes you feel improvement in the quality of life.

O.E. you are new to the use of psychotropic drugs. I'm not. Like I mentioned, I've had the experience of doctor after doctor trying me on drug after drug. I didn't fail to give all that stuff a reasonable try. It just became obvious to me that recurrent episodes of depression would be part of my life, regardless of what psych meds I took. My guy gave me something to look forward to in between episodes. He was my source of human warmth.

It was a lot of work, taking care of my source of love and warmth. The caregiving got harder every year. I thought it might be good for me to be free of that one day . . . free to do 100 things I couldn't do while his needs kept me busy around the clock. I thought taking care of him was causing so many of my needs to go unmet. I thought I might even find more joy in life, after he was gone. Now I see how much he was my joy in life. We had a troubled relationship. There are plenty of threads here where I complained about him. (I probably should go read some.) But, in between the times when I was mad at him, I knew times of full contentment. I loved being with him so much of the time. Feuds came, and feuds went. In between there was the joy of being in love together. The last few months, it even seemed like we were more in love than ever. I knew he'ld be leaving me and that day was drawing closer. I did plenty of "anticipatory grieving." But I would say to myself, "Be glad that he's here now. Live in this moment. Leave the grieving for when he's truly gone. You'll do enough grieving then. Look at him sitting there now in his recliner. Talk to him. Go stroke fingers through his hair and share a small kiss." I almost believed, in those moments, that I could hold on to him being alive by just refusing to let go of the moment."

I'm hungry. I can't even cook for myself. I tried to make a nice dinner for him every night. I, who all my life had been useless in the kitchen, learned how to cook from YouTube. I had to produce meals because he no longer could. And I learned. I started to have some love for cooking. I thought it would be one of my hobbies I'ld take with me, after he was gone. I have stuff in the fridge I bought to cook. I can't make myself go try to fix something for myself. I had enjoyed cooking for him and the two of us sitting cozy together having the dinner I made. I was gaining weight on my own cooking too. Now I'm losing weight. A thing I liked about being in the hospital was that they fed me 3 meals a day, and I ate them with my fellow patients. They were a nice group, and we tried to be nice to each other. I wanted to do my part to be a good member of the group. My peers in this psych unit were people who were hurting and lonely. I wanted to offer my company to them, if they wanted it. And they did. This place didn't have "groups" going, like they were supposed to have. So we created our own groups. My boyfriend had dementia. It took effort for me to draw him out and engage him, so he wouldn't sink into confused passivity. I was lucky. His dementia wasn't severe. His interest in me was as strong as ever. I just had to take the lead more. So, with my fellow patients who were introverted, I did the same thing. I tried to be a good presence. We all helped each other. Psych patients can be amazingly sensitive to what others feel.

So now I'm home. He's gone almost 2 and 1/2 months. I made it this far. But I, since last evening, can't stand that he's gone from me. I think it is more than I can bear.