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Rose76
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 10:23 PM
  #1
My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.
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Heart Jun 01, 2020 at 11:27 PM
  #2
Dear Rose, I was thinking, it might be good for you to find a grief support group, where other people are going through the same thing. You would feel like you are all going through it together. And you could help each other. Even give & receive a hug now & then. You might even end up with a new friend. What do you think? God bless you, Rose!
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 11:42 PM
  #3
That is a good idea. I will look for one.
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 06:52 AM
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Rose very sorry to hear it. I have followed some of your posts...
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 08:32 AM
  #5
My sincere condolences to you, Rose. You honorably cared for him for a long time. You are not alone and there are good times ahead.

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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 09:30 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.
I saw what my family member went through who constantly cared for another family member who was also lost to cancer. You haven't had time for yourself for years. I was only there the last week and going from checking and worrying 24 hours a day to nothing to check on was strange.

Your actions show how caring and compassionate you are. It was tough but you can be proud.

It will get better. As time passes, you will think more and more of his best qualities and his best days. Right now, you are picturing him as he was at the end. But this does fade. It really does.
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 01:07 PM
  #7
You can get through it, Rose. You are one strong lady and you gave 120%. You will make it, one day at a time.

I've followed your situation since I joined the Forum in 2018, and though I stopped responding because I didn't think my posts were helpful to you, I've continued to read yours.

I think the grief group is an excellent idea. Many have found them helpful.

My sincerest condolences on your devastating loss.

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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 01:16 PM
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I saw what my family member went through who constantly cared for another family member who was also lost to cancer. You haven't had time for yourself for years. I was only there the last week and going from checking and worrying 24 hours a day to nothing to check on was strange.

Your actions show how caring and compassionate you are. It was tough but you can be proud.

It will get better. As time passes, you will think more and more of his best qualities and his best days. Right now, you are picturing him as he was at the end. But this does fade. It really does.
You do understand what it's like inside my mind now. The last few hours of his life on Sunday morning were pretty rough. He did not slip away easily. Yes, as you realize, those last hours dominate my thoughts. Thanks for your reassurance.

I have to get busy and ready to fly across the country. I must start doing the things I need to do.
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 01:20 PM
  #9
Thank you all above for the posts and hugs. I feel less alone.
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 09:11 PM
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I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry for your sadness, pain, and loss. I hope you get through this.
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 11:15 PM
  #11
My heart goes out to you, Rose. Prayers and love to you.

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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 08:17 AM
  #12
May all our shared condolences bring you comfort and may our prayers ease the pain of this loss and loneliness💞
You are a very brave and strong person to be able to do that for your loved one. Hope you won't forget that.
May the Lord give you strength and love to last until you can fall back into your families warm embrace.

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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 08:44 AM
  #13
Oh Rose. I just see this post. I am so sorry so sorry. What can we do, if anything.

We are with you in spirit. Sometimes to get through this is to stay busy. And grief support could help. I send you many hugs.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 08:53 AM
  #14
The 7 Best Online Grief Support Groups of 2020

Also if he was supported by hospice in his last days, they provide free counseling for a year after the death of your loved one and they also have resources, they should be able to help
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Default Jun 04, 2020 at 11:41 PM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.
Hugs and much love to you Rose76
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 02:10 AM
  #16
hi rose, i spent 26 years caring for my pets. they occupied my days and nights, my thoughts. my dearest friend was my ex but he was my ex. my mother was the only other constant in my life. when my pets died and my mom died, i was left purposeless and adrift and feeling so lonely. i still feel that way at times but that is only because i am very passive. you took such good care of your boyfriend. your posts were filled with all that you did for him despite the ups and downs. he was your world. now that he has passed, it might be quite an adjustment for you. you will have to find a new purpose. i really feel for you. you try to help others everywhere on pc. you really deserve to be happy.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 10:42 AM
  #17
Rose, my thoughts are with you. I've followed some of your posts. You sound like a very caring and loving person. You're not alone. I know you will make it. As someone suggested, a support group will be good. Sending love and prayers.

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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 06:51 PM
  #18
You all have given me a wonderful collective embrace.
Today I traveled with his body from the southwest to the northeast. Now being drive by family to be with family.

Sitting in the back seat, reading these posts was a comfort. Thank you, my friends.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 08:11 PM
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Thanks for letting us know what is going on. Im sure im not the only one here who is concerned for your wellbeing during this difficult time.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 09:00 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.
I'm sorry that you lost your husband to lung cancer. I lost my dad to lung cancer. Keep in yourself busy is one way to fight depression during this dark time.
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