Discouraged

It's been a really rough 4 weeks for me. And now I find out that the treatment that I need, I can't get unless I pay for it. I hope my T has something that can help because I don't know what will happen. I held it together for 4 hours, then cleaned my room and rearranged my room It gave more room to exercise in.

the part of you that wants to stay-- hold on tight to it.

in my own backstory, i was on-and-off (mostly on, and i wish i was kidding) suicidal for the better part of my (still) young life. i'm 24 and feel like i'm 50 some days.. most days.

i'm not now, even as i'm speaking to you in the worst depressive episode i've had in some time. I suppose the thing that got me to actively see that my own hand was never going to be an option -- this will probably get some **** -- was one night and an acid trip. yeah, that's right, i essentially had a good extensional trip. i'm not saying this is what you need because everyone is different. what happened during this experience was almost an entire change in mentality. i was not hopeless, because there's no such thing for someone who's healthy and strong as i am. i can change anything, with words that i don't believe at first. i said "i can do this" way before i ever believed it. over time, i believed myself; just as i would have with negative thoughts telling me the opposite. i told myself everything i didn't start out knowing for certain. now i know (unless something unforeseen happens that drastically uproots my life) i will be fine. even if something awful happens, i will still be able to control enough variables to control my own response and outlook.

depression isn't always as simple as how that paragraph makes it seem. its a beast that, if i can, will alter anyone's mentality into hopelessness. but that's why we hold onto the the part of us willing to keep going, because that part of us is certain we can improve-- while the rest, i dare say, is the depression or- sickness rather, bullying you into believing only in a hope for an end.

i hope my rambling can offer some comfort or even hope. really, i just want you to know that you aren't alone. suicidal thoughts pass in and out of my mind nearly daily since this episode began, but i know for a fact i will never act. i'm not ready to tie the bow on this life- this journey. i really did believe, at one time and for a long time, that i was a hopeless case. i'm not. you're not.

I know u r struggling, puzz. I am sorry. Do not give in to ur illness. This will pass. It will.

Depression is a monster. But there are tons of med options. I cannot recall what all u have tried, but there are always other things.

My depression is a problem. If it doesn't improve soon, may have to try ketamine. No clue how I will pay for it.

I urge u to talk to the doc about other med options soon.

Hugs.