So bad just want to sleep

Thanks for the support everyone. I had been very depressed for a while and struggling with a lot of grief as well.

You're a survivor Open eyes! After all this, anything good that happens, like the hay will seem sweet. I truly believe that your sister will answer some day for what she did.

Yesterday was such a hard day for me. My older brother was in full agreement in how my sister lied and took advantage of my parents while they were declining. He did express a desire to fight back legally even though he did not really want anything of my parents money or material things they left. Yet, when things were getting more and more toxic my brother was busy fighting not only a bad hernia where he was literally forced to wear a special belt to keep his intestines in place, but he was also diagnosed with prostrate cancer and involved with learning how to best treat that challenge. He called our cousin who is a top surgeon for advice on who is the best to handle that challenge. So he ended up being treated in California and had he not he would be dead due to how other specialists were not going to be as agressive as he needed to survive.

I also learned just recently from him that this particular cancer spreads or is fueled to spread via Testasterone. So he had to be treated where the testasterone was depleated and that would greatly affect him psychologically (his brain). He experienced bouts of weepyness and sudden over emotional states out of the blue. So, he had to be put on a medication to help him with that. Even though he had surgery, he had to deal with not having control of his bladder and having to wear diapers too. I also learned that he found out that the cancer spread to his pelvis and he had to fly out to California for special treatments where they target this area with special radiation treatments to stop the cancer from spreading even more.

Even though he was dealing with this, he still tried to work but he also made it a point to spend more time with his grown children too. It's actually a good thing that he was able to do this before Covid hit. He was also trying to make time to visit our parents too. And my sister made it a point to manipulate me and my parents that my brother was making trouble and causing upset when THAT WAS A LIE. He was VERY nice to my parents, would bring his youngest son to visit them, took them out to dinner and breakfast and was extremely caring and respectful and kind. It was my sister who got all upset and felt threatened. And once I saw the accounting I realized it was because she did not want my brother to find out how much money she was taking from them.

What my sister chose to do was horrible in that she manipulated our parents to think both me and my brother were a major threat. She also manipulated my parents to think that I was stealing from them just like she did in her accounting where she accused me of withdrawing money from my mother's money when I had not even known about that until I saw the accounting. My parents did say something to me one day and I had no idea what they were talking about until I saw that accounting and I have to say it haunts me constantly in that they were manipulated to believe something that was a total LIE. The look on their faces that day too, I just can't get it out of my mind. It did confuse me but because I had no idea about that money or that my sister was taking it more and more, and manipulated them to think I was the one that had been doing that, I did not have the chance to defend myself leaving them to believe that lie.

While my brother and I obtained my lawyer to take my sister to probate, the judge told her to present and accounting from the beginning of when she was first given POA in my parent's will back in 2012. To my horror, my sister gave him an accounting with many withdrawls of my mother's money that she had control of when she set up a joint with her own name and withdrawl after withdrawl for all kinds of sums, like 500, then 700, then 2,000, and then 1,000, and so on and she put my name down and stretched over a few years until all my mother's money was gone.

With the other hearings only the lawyers sat with the judge and basically it was negotiating items that my brother and I listed that we wanted. However, even when I did my list I was not able to even see what my parents had, I only thought about items that I could remember having a personal connection to my parents with. I honestly never even thought about my mother's jewelry or antique vases and so many other things in their home. I had also wanted to be able to visit my parent's home and have some private time to just sit and grieve them too. Yet, when I did finally get that chance, my sister had to have the police there and treated me like a criminal. She would not allow my husband to enter which ended up with me being alone which is what she wanted so she could enact her cruelty and invade me over and over again.

When I got inside my parent's home I was so shocked in that all their personal things were out everywhere on tables and I was so completely overwhelmed and it had been clear how my sister must have been doing that before they even passed away. It became clear to me that when my mother's money ran out that my sister had been grabbing things to sell where she could pocket the money. It was so cold and calculating and violating, I was not prepared for that at all. And my sister's presence is SO COLD that it's literally bone chilling.

At least my older brother did make the journey and was there. He did hear her keep bothering me when I tried to just sit down in my parent's living room to weep. I did not even know he was below in the basement so he could hear. It was so bad that I got severely triggered into multiple flashbacks and THANK GOD my brother was there as he had to go out and talk to the police three times to ask them to tell my sister to leave me alone. I will never forget how my brother's protective kind presence helped me that day. I was not prepared at all for what I had been experiencing.

HOW does one explain what this is like? Where someone can cause you to fall into such a state like I experienced? That I was so debilitated that I was not even aware that my brother had to talk to the police three times? That because my brother was there, so kind and caring and understanding that he pulled me out of the state I was stuck in. His WARMTH literally pulled me out of this intense cold I had been stuck in where I was simply not present. It's really SCARY that I can experience that. All I know is whatever it is, it's something that completely debilitates my entire body and mind. Whatever it is, IT'S VERY COLD and my sister triggers it. And my sister most definitely can be very dark and cold.

I had thought my brother was going to move forward, he was expressing a determination to do so. Yet then he got quiet and did not send our lawyer the money to proceed. I didn't know what to say either and he was acting strange too. So I just did not know if this was due to his health and the medication he was on. What I have learned is that he tend to go from sharing and expressing his own anger and grief to not wanting to experiencing anything "emotional". So I really did not know WHAT to do and I certainly did not want to stress him either as I did not want to say anything that might affect his sense of well being and his health.

I did not know what to say to my lawyer either and time was passing and she too heard nothing. It's as though my brother is there, then not there mentally. I think perhaps this has something to do with the cancer treatment, whatever medication he is on that helps him deal despite being void of testasterone. I also know that while he wants to help me, and he knows my sister has been abusing and lying, he is also trying to distance at the same time.

Then I ended up getting a letter in the mail from the judge that stated that the accounting was accepted. When I saw that notice I felt horrible and ended up having the dry heeves. You see, AGAIN I never once got the chance to say to this judge that what my sister did present was A LIE. There was a hearing about the grandfather's clock that my sister was not releasing where my brother could not travel and wrote that he wanted me and my husband to get for him. He could not travel due to Covid either and that he genuinely is at high risk. So that hearing basically was my sister once again LYING and making excuses for not releasing the clock. And that hearing was done via phone due to Covid and I was at least able to call in to be a part of that hearing. I waited and listened to the lies my sister presented and then I took my turn to speak to the judge and right away my sister interupted me and tried to keep me from talking. I did stand up for myself and said, "excuse me, but I did not interupt you while you talked, and now I am talking to the judge". Good thing I was using my phone where no one could see me, because I was sitting here literally shaking, it's that damn cold I experience and I was glad I could not see my sister so I could fight through that cold and talk. All I got to say is the accounting is incorrect though. My lawyer spoke up and mentioned her plans for another motion and the Judge responded with setting something up where he could hear me privately too.

Well, in order to get that my brother had to help pay for it and he was being quiet when it came to actually coming through with that. So, when I got that letter it really hit me badly because it was like things were closing before I got that chance to talk to the Judge about the accounting. That night was horrible, did not really sleep, many nightmares. I did call a hotline in hopes to just be able to vent somehow too. Then I woke up the next morning in a very bad state. I did not want to experience all this emotional overwhelm. So I called a help line again hoping that would help me at least be able to vent and to my horror that led to suddenly having the police inside my home literally standing in front of me.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE? It's like being told I am NOT ALLOWED to be able to FEEL what I FEEL about the fact that my older sister isn't going to have to answer for LYING and literally ABUSING me. The police gave me an ultimatum. They told me either I agree to go with them or they would take me by force. And it was not just one police officer either, there were a few of them and it was HORRIBLE. They would NOT listen either and I sat here looking awful too because it was not like I was expecting some people to suddenly appear and I had been so depressed with it all that I had not showered in a few days either. I was just trying to function and feed and care for my ponies and clean up after them in the heat that even if I did shower I typically would end up drenched in sweat due to he horrible heat waves we had been having. Yes, this year has been the hottest in many, many years. And everytime I do go out there, I come in literally soaked with sweat and even my hair is literally soaked. So, no, I was not going to win any kind of beauty contest that morning.

So, I had no choice but to agree to go with them and get into an ambulance and THAT alone is a big trigger for me in that my experience with ambulances were traumatic and I was actually dying both times. They would not hear me on that challenge either. That day turned into a day out of literal HELL. They told me I would be taken to a safe kind person, THAT WAS NOT TRUE. What I experienced was being taken to a place where they made me wait in a hall with other people that were drunk and drugged out and literally CRAZY. Quite frankly had it not been for my hat that I grabbed when I left that I could pull down over my eyes and hide under, I would have had to see things that literally scared the crap out of me. IT WAS THE LAST THING I needed to experience. You BAD GIRL OE for talking about how horrible you felt about what your sister was getting away with that is actually CRIMINAL. A sister that was literally lying and STEALING and getting away with blaming me for it? And she would threaten me and try to blackmail me that I would be punished if I dare say anything?

What I experienced that day was FRIGHTENING, the kind of people I was exposed to were TRUELY SCARY, from a drunk woman with no pants on dancing around so close to me, to a man yelling at the nurses about refusing to take medication to another man with a deep voice chanting about killing people and making them pay and getting out of his bed and stomping the floor. I wanted to flee SO BAD and couldn't. Not to mention the fact that I was in danger of being exposed to Covid virus too. As it was clear some of these individuals were coming off the streets and were CRAZY. Then they put me in this small little place with a bed and only a curtain and it was dark and I had to lay there waiting while at the same time listening to these crazy people saying some really crazy things. One guy was preaching about these special powers he possessed and this other guy with the deep voice would stir and talk about killing the police and how everyone would suffer and he would get out his bed and stomp and I had nothing but some CURTAIN? And I was locked in that area too. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT?

It seemed to take forever before the doctor came to talk to me. I just begged him to release me so I could go home. No way was I going to agree to end up in a psych ward with these other crazy people. That ain't going to help me AT ALL. And he finally agreed to release me. And my husband was called to pick me up. My husband was angry once again because he thought I should have agreed to stay. Well, I have been that route before and my husband did not get to witness what I had to deal with either. I KNOW it would have bothered him to see what kind of people I had to see. If anything I needed to feel SAFE, and not to be traumatized the way I was traumatized that day.

Well, about a week and a half ago my brother called me to let me know he sent our lawyer a check as I mentioned. After my experience of that awful day I agreed to try taking an antidepressant. Both my therapist and the pdoc did agree that I was severely depressed and I was. It was simply all too much to know how to handle emotionally, it was horrible when my parents were dying. How I stayed away because of how I knew my older sister would blow up or make some kind of scene. I honestly can't say enough how deranged she had been. How I kept trying to explain that it's simply not a "just ignore her and go anyway". It never is a just in that she is so deranged she goes out of her way to bait and create anything she can to get some kind of reaction from. And how she makes it so she stands there and hovers and her presence is dark and cold as ice. I am truely NEVER safe when she is present. She is prone to blowing up over nothing at all in any way she can create anything that can make me look somehow bad. It's totally unnerving in that she is relentless in finding ways to create negative drama. And the truth is, when it came right down to it, I felt the best thing to do is stay away in hopes the my parents might at least die in peace. That WAS VERY HARD as I did want to have a chance to be with them, especially my mother as we were so very close. It's very clear to me now that this is something my sister hated and was driven to punish me for in ways I could never imagine.

So, I made it a point to take the antidepressant, to be patient while I experienced all the side effects and just work on doing my best to get through one day at a time. Many days I slept too, as the medication did make me sleepy and I also just did not want to feel or even remember or think about how horrible that day was that I lived through just because I needed to share how badly I felt about my older sister. I have felt so many times now that if I share how if feel I will in some way be PUNISHED. So many times I try very hard to avoid talking about it but just do my best to try and keep it to myself. Unfortunately, I am not always successful and it leaks out. It's as though that damn I try to maintain fails and the stream of emotions just flows out. It doesn't matter who I talk to about it either, my brother's reply, "no emotion, don't do the emotions" and my husband does that and I also do my best to TRY to not vent to my daughter. And due to Covid, it's been a bit of a challenge in that I don't experience therapy like I had either. That means I can't do the therapy where he practices the eye movement to reduce the way I experience these emotional flashbacks too.

The antidepressant has been helping "some" where I have managed to function and it's helped in terms of calming down the emotional disturbance, but NOT completely. After my brother sent the check, I waited a couple of days and then tried to contact my lawyer. I called and left messages a few times and had not heard back from her. That just made me feel like maybe she was angry or it was too late somehow. Then finally yesterday morning she called. She had not filed the motion yet and mentioned that she was waiting for a check to come in so she could add to what my brother sent her so she could file the motion. I finally explained to her that I was sorry and that I was very embarrassed by both my siblings as each of them had issues and I knew it was a challenge for her. She was very nice about it, she had asked me how I was doing and I was honest with her, and a bit tearful which I so did not want to experience with her. I told her I was severely depressed and working on that with my therapist and have been taking medication. My lawyer HATES my sister, she sees how nasty and mean my sister is. Yet, what she has seen is only a fraction of how bad my sister can be. I found myself wishing my lawyer could have been there to witness what I had to experience when I went to visit my parent's home that day. And also how horrificly my sister treated the people that my husband had help him when he went to get the items from my parent's home. One friend was so disturbed by how horrible she is that he refused to go near her ever again. Not to mention how completely embarrassing it has been to see all that my husband has witnessed of how horrible and rude and mean she can be and she was really mean to him many times when he did nothing to warrent that kind of treatment.

So yesterday was a hard day, truth is any day that involves anything having to do with my sister has a bad affect on me even with the antidepressant.

Truth is, I do need to be able to personally tell the Judge that all those withdrawls she has listed in that accounting are LIES and that not one of them ever happened and that I did not even know anything about that money until I saw that accounting. And there is no way I could have done any of those withdrawls either.

I also am looking forward to when everything is finally liquidated and divided and then I NEVER want to have anything to do with my older siser EVER again for the rest of my life. I don't want to know anything more about her and don't want her to be a part of my life in any way.

Once it is over, I am fairly sure you will never see that sister again.
As far as the stuff goes, you, your brother and your parents are much more important than things. Your parents couldn't take any of it with them and neither will your sister. If she doesn't not eventually feel guilt and depression over the evil she has done then she must be mad (as in more mental than either of us)!

I want to say that I appreciate the effort it takes to even read my long post above. Depression not only makes it an effort to write but also to be able to sit and read it. Forgive any errors as I did not have the energy to read and correct.

Thanks TunedOut in all honesty I think my sister is demented as I could never do the things she has done and been able to live with myself. That’s what has made it all so hard to wrap my mind around.

It has not even been just me but pretty much everyone that encounters her. Even when my parents were In Hospice where my husbands brother works and is highly respected he would not go anywhere near her. Normally family like that would at least pop in to pay respects. Instead no one wanted to deal with her. It’s been extremely embarrassing on so many levels.

Just thought I would give an update. I lowered the dose of cymbalta to 20mgs and added a dose of 5mg Lexapro. And that’s helped a lot. I still have depression but not nearly as bad as it was.

I was not able to share everything I was dealing with here. Could not share how I was dealing with all the extremely toxic things my sister was doing. How my lawyer was helping me combat each very toxic thing she pulled. It’s been so embarrassing on so many levels. I would sit across from my therapist constantly stuck in disbelief.

I did not realize just how evil my sister really is. I could have never done all the horrible mean things she chose to do. That I could have loved and cared about someone capable of doing all the terrible things she has done has left me feeling stupid and ashamed that I did not see her true nature.

Boy when her mask came off what’s really there is just horrible. So very cold and very dark and twisted. She is such a dark person that people can’t bear to be around her. I don’t even feel angry anymore just sad that someone can be ok with being that dark and twisted. She has a criminal type mind.

This has been a deeply disturbing experience for me @TunedOut, I had loved my sister and never imagined she would ever do all the things she chose to do. I had no idea she carried all this jealousy in her. Turns out the nicer I was, the more she got jealous. The person I thought she was and loved, never really existed. The fact that she can be so cold and calculating has shocked me so badly.

I have repeatedly said how my wheel house simply doesn't think the way she thinks, it's true. She has shown me how it actually pleasures her to cause me hurt and anger and pain. I could never write a letter to her letting her know all this either because a letter would actually make her feel pleasure and empower her. I think that's sooo sick. I sure do look at her in a very different light now. The person I thought she was is "dead" now. I never thought I would EVER feel that way about her. It's been a very different kind of grieving and effort to come to terms with. I innocently embraced something that never really existed. I have to say that experiencing this level of deception can really bring about questioning self. It sure did blindside me. I could never have done any of the things my sister chose to do.

You are right TunedOut, what she has taken is just "things". And no matter what she takes, she can't take away the closeness and all the good times I had with my mother and father.