So bad just want to sleep

The depression has gotten so crippling I struggle to function or stay awake even. Have no energy to do much of anything.

Just been retraumatized so much that the ptsd is really bad now and the depression is crippling. No matter how much I sleep I just don't feel rested or refreshed or motivated to do anything.

So sorry your depression is so crippling right now. I hope some energy and a spark of motivation returns soon.

Have you talked to your T? He knows more about your situation & what can possibly help you more than anyone else. Turn to the one person who can help you

I think I am experiencing another pts breakdown. The nightmare/terrors have been bad and I don't feel rested at all. I have an appointment with the pdoc this afternoon at 5pm. The grief has been bad too. And the Covid challenge has only added to an already very challenged everything. Much I don't share here too.

I have not had it in me to even post a thread in the Grief and Loss forum and this is the first time I have posted a thread in this forum admitting that I am severely depressed. Both my T and the pdoc know and both have talked about the fact that I have been repeatedly retraumatized.

I am weary of psych meds tbh. Had some bad experiences with those but I am so bad right now I just want to sleep and everything is such a huge effort.

So I had my appointment with the pdoc and she agrees that the depression is severe. She is writing a script for cymbalta and hopefully that will help. I have been gradually slipping deeper and deeper and the Covid situation has only added to some already big challenges that it has gotten real bad.

Other people really DO NOT understand and I hate the things they say that only adds to making it even harder.

God I have so little energy this is awful.

Hey OE,

Good on you for just acknowledging what you are going through.

((( Open Eyes )))

You have spent so much of your precious energy helping others. No wonder you feel so exhausted. Medicine can be a double edged sword. I hate being on it for depression... but I really hate those horrid feelings and darkness. But you have been through so much. AND you have overcome so much!!!! You are such a strong person. Whenever I see your screen name, I think of a "Super Woman" figure! I know that will make you LOL. :-) But it is true. You are very strong. You know this will pass. But man does it stink going through it. ugggg

I hope you feel better soon.

So sorry, Open Eyes. Depression so sucks. I hope your medication kicks in soon. It's so awful not to have any energy and to feel as if things will never get better. Please keep in close touch with your therapist(s).

Many hugs and much respect. :

I have only been on the cymbalta for three days now and been nauseous and dizzy and very tired.

I have a long thread about my challenges with my older sister and how horrible she was the last years of my parents lives right down to their last breaths. And even after it’s been horrible and I took her to probate and the judge made her present an accounting of what happened to my parents money. To my horror she listed many cash withdrawals from my mothers bank that she herself set up as joint in her and my mother and she put my name next to so many withdrawals over about four years. I had not done any of them nor did I know about that bank or money until I saw her accounting. I have not had a chance to tell the judge and have not had the money to do so.

I shared how awful my sister was and that I did not feel safe around her. She was very unbalanced and unpredictable to the point where she would blow up and create a scene and even call the police creating drama that never happened. She did not care if she raged in front of my parents who were too old and frail to get upset and frightened.

I realized once I saw that accounting that my sister did the same thing with my parents manipulating them to think I stole from them. My father was questioning how much power he gave her and now I know what she did to put an end to that behind my back. I also realized why she acted out so much as she wanted to and was taking that money and wanted to keep me and my brother from knowing.

All of this has really worsened the ptsd and I have developed crippling depression. And adding to that the challenge with COVID and not being able to work has made the depression down right crippling.

I struggle with horrible shame because the ptsd and the depression has been so crippling. I also am experiencing a lot of grief. I cry pretty much every day.

I am trying with this new medication. Today I was nauseous and dizzy again and passed out on the sofa

I am trying to be patient praying this medication will help. It was all I could do to get out and feed the ponies and I am so behind on the work out there.

I have not been able to share everything I have been dealing with either. And the get up and snap out of it and just deal comments only make it worse.

This is HARD. I made a doctors appointment today and had to cancel cause I was too dizzy and nauseous to drive the forty minute drive.

Just posted this thinking about the shame I have for struggling so badly.

((((( ))))) Open Eyes....

I’m so sorry. Some of us have it a lot harder than others.

Man, that sister stinks. I am so sorry. I hope my comment did not come out like that, because I also hate it when others tell me to snap out of it. Depression does not work that way. Even though we logically understand how depression works inside our body, it does not make it any easier to get through it. ☹️

Oh your input was fine WePow.

I am now in my third day of the medication and it's a little better today. Someone mentioned to me that it takes time and that my system has been so used to being stuck in fight and flight along with too many stress hormones that it's going to take the medication time to calm that all down. It makes sense as I have been dealing with so much these past few years, constant toxic.

Now from seeing where the money went in the accounting even with her blaming me for her own withdrawls, I can see her entire method was to keep me at a distance so I would not learn she was taking so much money. She is a minipulator, liar, and thief. It was pretty much all about the money and the power for her.

It's taking me time to see she is a very different person than I thought she was.

It's caused me a lot of pain because how could I think I could love and trust her? She had her issues, but, I never aniticipated any of this. It has been very deeply disturbing. All she does is gaslight and lie.

This weekend was the estate sale at my parents home. Family is not allowed. I only had that one visit last November where my sister was horrible and would not leave me alone to sit and mourn. She kept talking about HER time and how I better hurry up.

Been sad and depressed as all that’s left of them is going to be gone. And my sister has still been lying and selling for her own profit as she has been doing from the start.

I try to tell myself than soon it’s going to be over. Sigh...idk had a nap today and woke up with bad dreams like three times. Ugh

Sorry to hear about you struggling so hardly with depression.
I do understand these times of confinement and all that stuff about the pandemia didn’t help a bit but in the contrary.

Hope you are feeling better now, remember that meds need a time to do their work, ones more than others. But it normally takes a time. You body also have to assimilate the changes.
In regards to nightmares, many antidepressants have the effect to produce nightmares. What matters if that you feel a little better little by little.

Blah. I can relate to just wanting to sleep. Something (a few things) (NOT connected to the current “situation’ in the world...) have triggered me. distractions and the “usual coping mechanisms” are not helping



Hugs and respect to all

I am really trying to be patient with this new medication and so far I have been dizzy and nauseous and still tired and depressed. I was told it takes at least two weeks to accumulate in the system where I will begin to hopefully start noticing the positive effects.

It's been hard in that I just dealt with how my sister had the estate sale at my parents home, that I only got that one short visit and she did not even allow me to just sit and grieve but instead kept intruding on me to hurry up and tag the items I had picked, yet, I had to do that from my memory and not seeing what was there of them. Truth is, I never looked at their possessions and only picked things I remembered helping my mother get. My sister kept me locked out and SHE went through their stuff and had plenty of time to sit and grieve and come to terms with them no longer being there. Yet, I now know that she was also looking for anything of value that she could take and sell where she could pocket the money for herself.

I had another bad night again last night, and I woke up feeling horrible and all my muscles ache.

I am having a hard enough time this morning when my husband came in and told me that a big tree limb fell on my car last night in the storm and my windshield is shattered and the windshield wiper is bent. Neither our auto or homeowners insurance will cover it. Can't drive it like this, no way!

God, I FEEL CURSED. This is just horrible!

Take cover, Open Eyes, take cover! This is obviously not your month.....

So it’s was just two weeks yesterday and I do feel an improvement I did a job this past Sunday and I was very nervous about doing it but I really needed the money. It was god awful hot with the heat index at 100. Trying to wear a mask in that heat and function was horrible. But I got it done so I can buy some feed for the ponies. It was hard in that I still felt a lot of anxiety. What I do was not allowed due to state social distancing rules. And now I have certain guidelines and can do only small gatherings. I admit I do get nervous as I am the center of it all and can’t get the 6 ft distance. I am 63 now so am in the risk group age.

By the time I got home and fed and watered all of them I was totally exhausted. And to my surprise my daughter came and brought me some bails of hay left over from a horse show she worked at. And some bags of feed left too. These people are mega rich so they just leave whatever they don’t use. We are talking people that easily spend a quarter of a million on each horse they have and often have two sometime three show horses. It’s incredible how much money these people spend. Yup still people with lots of money out there.

Well anyway it felt good to have some money and some nice hay given to me all in one day. I desperately needed some positives. And at least I am not having these constant crying episodes I had been dealing with daily. Yes the depression had gotten severe.

Truth is I had been overwhelmed with grief for a while.

Sounds like a really hard time in your life, Open Eyes.

I'm so glad for the recent positive turn: your daughter, the ponies, the hay.

Depression is one thing, grief another; both bad. My heart goes out to you.
((((( HUGS ))))) Hang in there.