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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I find it comical . . .
Me too. Comical, in a sad sort of way.

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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 12:24 PM
  #22
It's like I fell off a cliff. I am in bad state of mind. The place that was supposed to provide me with out-patient follow-up has turned out to be nothing like what I expected. They can't offer me counseling. They don't even have a psychiatrist. I would get meds ordered by a nurse practitioner working under a psychologist with prescribing priviledges. This nurse practitioner lives in another part of my state distant from me. He does all his work with patients over the phone or through video conferencing. This sounds like a shakey operation to me.

So I feel very alone. I wish there was someone I could call. I wish I was in some kind of a day program where I had somewhere to go that was a source of support. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a bad spell that is going to be hard, and there is nowhere I can go for help.

No point calling people who just want to talk about themselves. My sisters were very kind to me when I was in the hospital. They live far from me and have done the best they could from where they're at. I don't want to make myself a drain on them.

I was doing so well from when I left that hospital up until about 2 days ago. I felt like I was not anxious and not depressed. I expected I would continue that way and get my apartment sorted out and have my affairs organized and then reconstruct my life. It's always just a matter of time before a depressive episode comes around again. I will keep having to deal with these episodes. Feeling really well does not last with me. But here's the other side of that. Depressive episodes don't last forever. Eventually, a depressive episode blows over. I'm telling myself that right now to try and give myself hope. But I'm not succeeding at getting ahold of some hope. I feel like my life's a mess that will only get worse. This awful darkness won't last forever. It always goes away eventually. I have to keep thinking of that.
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 12:56 PM
  #23
Well a lot of people function under the impression that keeping another person company is by filling conversations by talking about themselves. They tend to think they are doing you a favor just by talking.

You are probably quiet when chit chat happens right? However, when you are engaging with individuals who are engaging and involved you fair better. Like the staff at the facility you reached out for help at. You were able to interact with them on a more professional level. So part of your discussions tapped onto your own personal knowledge.

Often people think that because you are intelligent as you are, that it means you are strong. It’s a strong point in you for sure but it’s nice to have emotional support too.

It was not a bad thing that you stayed up last night and sat and read you know Rose. Interesting that you described sleep as nothingness. Maybe you would fair better if you made time to feed your mind more. You could fit that in to your day and only do some organizing each day.

I think when you spent time in that facility you got to eat, have therapy, and enjoy discussions with the staff. You felt better because you got a good combination of things, things you missed in all that caregiving is that right?

You know, healing isn’t about just getting your place in order. It’s taking steps to self restoration. So what if you sit and read? Or sit and watch a good movie or documentary. Maybe investigate YouTube and see what kinds of talks they give about loss and grief and how to reclaim your life after caregiving. It’s ok to explore a bit. YouTube is great for that.

It’s true that it can be hard to find someone that can engage you so you don’t end up giving so much to these individuals that keep you company with their problems. That’s why so many have therapy as therapists are professional listeners.

Is your local library open? How about checking that out and look at the bulletin board and see if there are any book clubs etc. These other women are nice but I think you need to meet others more like yourself on the intellectual side.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Aug 05, 2020 at 02:34 PM..
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 01:56 PM
  #24
Thank you, OE. I believe these friends of mine do mean well in their conversations. They fill up the space between us by talking about what is meaningful to them, which is whatever is going on in their minds about themselves. Sometimes I'm very content to just listen to that. It's company. Right now though, I'm in an awful state. I need someone to understand, a little bit at least, what's happening to me. 3 of these friends I've know for many years. They have never been good to talk to when I'm having a bad attack of depression.

I spend loads of time reading and watching youtube.

I just took some Ritalin. Maybe that will help.

There is so much more help for people with substance abuse issues than there is for people like me.
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 03:48 PM
  #25
You know what? I have felt the same way in seeing how there is a lot of support for addiction challenges. There are a lot of meetings and groups that meet pretty much every day and people that have several years become sponsors that you can call when struggling so you don’t drink or use.

My husband has been active with that for going on 29 years now. He knows a lot of people from all walks of life. Often people one would never guess having a problem. The anonymity is very respected too. I admit I have been a bit jealous in how busy and supportive AA is. Many times I found myself wishing there was something like it for ptsd. I did look too and that’s how I found PC. Other than that no in person support groups around me.

What I will say is this COVID pandemic with all the social distancing rules has made it extra hard even for those trying to maintain their sobriety as for a while they were not permitted to have meetings. They had to learn how to set up zoom. But that was not the same as meeting in person.

I wonder if the out patient support you were supposed to get involved with is not up and running due to COVID and that may be why you have not been contacted? The only in person gatherings for AA groups so far have been held outside and distance rules have to be respected. And that’s been just recent.

You are still dealing with grief. You have gained on that from what you share but it’s still going to take you time to adjust and get used to living your life differently Were you able to find any online support groups for that?
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 09:45 PM
  #26
The social worker at the hospital just did not know what she was referring me to. She envisioned something that wasn't there. It's not due to COVID. This place was just not a provider of comprehensive psych services, and she didn't realize that. All I'ld get from them would be a phone call once a month to adjust meds.

Today I went and visited one of my friends because she is a kind and caring person. We knew each other from a job we both worked on. We lost touch for years and just recently reconnected. Today we talked. I wound up listening to her tell me how abusive her mother was to her. She brings her abusive mother up just about every time I meet with her. After I left visiting her I got bad chest pain from anxiety. It didn't last long. I don't get it very often. When I do, it's a hallmark of me being very stressed.
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #27
The last thing you need right now is to listen to people go on and on about their own life. Some people just can’t help it but non stop talking about themselves. And is often same story on and on like a broken record

Are there widow support groups in your area. I know right now probably not face to face but some might be face to face. If I know where you are at I can look them up for you as sometimes it takes too much energy to look things up. Also hospice that your SO was affiliated with would maybe have support group, they provide free therapy and support groups for a year after death in many hospitals .
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 10:19 AM
  #28
I know it's hard Rose, but you need to set boundaries. You need these friends, but at the same time, in midst of this person you mentioned yesterday, could you interject for a moment. Say, I'm having so much anxiety with this recent loss, I'm on medication and I can only listen for a while. This is making me anxious to hear your story.

You'd have to put it in your own words. But myself, I have one friend who will go on about her own problems, and not realize how much I am affected by my own situation at the time. I just will refuse to meet with her if her only goal is to talk AT me, and not WITH me. It's lonely this way, but we all need real friends that are not all about themselves. I'm sure this woman cares, but again, some kind of BOUNDARY is necessary. Much love and hugs to you Rose.
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 10:30 AM
  #29
I think that what will help you more is in filling the void. I think that the reason you are experiencing how others end up sitting and talking about their heartaches to you is these individuals never moved forward in their lives where they found other things to do in their lives that have helped them find purpose again.

It’s a major life change when ones life purpose revolves around another person like what you experienced. That is not something anyone just fixes quickly.

People that find a way forward Rose tend to be those that find ways to be involved with other things and some get part time jobs or find different social groups that get together to do something.

I think part of what helped you in that facility was interacting with others that had challenges but were still working and active so you got to talk about other things that you have knowledge and interest in.

Maybe it would help if you looked into getting a young dog that you could train and take for walks and have as a companion. I recommend a smaller dog as they are easier to walk and take care of. It would also be a presence that is in your home waiting for you because you are important.

It is a known FACT now how much a dog can add to a persons quality of life.

Just something to think about adding to your life
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 01:30 PM
  #30
Thank you all for these posts above. I feel I'm on the right track trying to connect with these friends of mine and not be isolated. However, I do have to manage these friendships so they aren't just a source of more stress. These women are good people who care about me and value that I care about them. They've know me for years. They know I have a longstanding problem with depression. Each one thinks she knows the answer to my troubles.

The one who keeps telling me how mean her mother was is very into religion. She is "born again" and she wants me to "get saved." I respect her commitment to her faith, which is a source of strength to her. I can listen, while she shares her beliefs with me . . . for a while. But she goes on and on too much. She denigrates the religion I was brought up in. She is a kind and loving person, always ready to generously help anyone she can. I appreciate her concern for me. Still, she stresses me out. I will re-read the posts above. I like the suggestion about having boundaries. I like the concrete suggestion about telling her I cannot keep listening to stuff that is unsettling to my peace of mind. I can use that as a way to defend my mind from what is unhealthy for me.

I don't know why I am so susceptible to people who want to browbeat me with their opinions. I listen tolerantly to others. Somehow they get the idea that it's okay for them to become very overbearing. What could be a nice social visit becomes ruined. I notice that, in their own lives, they are avoided by other people. The lady I was just mentioning has 3 adult children who seem to have almost nothing to do with her. I can see why. But I still like her. I see the golden qualities she does really have. I sense that she is lonely a lot. I often am myself. So I think we can be good for each other. But I have to ward off the browbeating.

Now I'm already mentally exhausted, and I've done nothing today. I have done some thinking. Some of it was healthy. Some has just tired ne out. I'm going to lie down now.
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 06:40 PM
  #31
The important thing to focus on Rose is that you did get up and out. So it’s not like you did nothing with your day.

I am sorry you had to sit through a sermon. I guess that has been something this particular friend gravitated to in an effort to fill her own void. It’s interesting to learn what different people gravitate towards to fill their lives. Yeah I don’t see you getting involved with the born again movement.

I still think you should check out the library and see if they have book clubs or groups that meet. Maybe there is a bulletin board that you can check out online too.
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 07:15 PM
  #32
The libraries are all closed. Otherwise, I certainly would have been in them. I am a library lover. It would do me a world of good to be meeting others who share some of my intellectual interests. I don't have that in my life . . . not for a long time. I did think that, once I was free of my caregiver role, I would pursue exactly the sort of things you suggest. COVID changed what was available to me. It has changed the world we operate in and how we operate. I'll have to adapt.

Thank you, OE, for understanding a lot. Just getting up and getting out was a small victory.

As you perceive, my friend who gives sermons, is filling a void. She survived childhood emotional abuse and domestic abuse in her multiple marriages. She is quite alone in ways. I think she has grandchildren, but she never sees them. She gravitated toward a certain religious movement, and she defines herself constantly through that. I am all for anyone having a spiritual life, but her preaching becomes oppressive to listen to. Still, she is a friend. I value the warmth she has toward me. If she didn't talk about religion, I don't think she would feel she had anything to talk about. It's kind of sad.

I sit frozen for long periods. That feels bad. Yet I start to get up, and I feel worse. So I go back to sitting frozen. Much of the time sitting, I am cruising the Internet, finding an unlimited supply of things to divert myself with. It's all just escapism and procrastination.

Tomorrow I have a telephone meeting with this nurse practitioner who is supposed to be managing my meds. I'll ask him if any medication could help "unfreeze" me.

I will try now to put down this electronic device and do something of what needs doing.
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Default Aug 06, 2020 at 09:01 PM
  #33
Oh wow sorry to learn the library is closed. The different states are all different in what is being allowed to open up. I guess it depends on how each state is doing in terms of COVID cases.

Sadly I can relate to sitting frozen the way you describe. I also got so bad I called a help line and that ended up with the police coming to my home it was horrible and ended up being a day of hell which was the last thing I needed.

Were you put on an antidepressant? I think that it’s not just depression but a combination of grief and trauma too. It’s very hard to watch someone you love decline both physically and mentally.

While there is a relief when it’s over that doesn’t change the grieving process. I actually did a search on YouTube how to get over the loss of a spouse several video talks came up so maybe check that out. You never know what might produce inspiration.

I remember you were swimming for a while and enjoyed it. Is that facility open? There is something very freeing and rejuvenating about swimming. It’s hard to know what your state is allowing. Is there any way you might qualify to have a meal delivered to you once a day?
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 04:40 AM
  #34
Here I am, awake since 3 a.m. This is happening every night. Sleep gives me escape from problems. I wish it could last longer. I don't want to get up now. But I'm wide awake. Bad thoughts come to my mind, about permanently escaping all problems. I don't really have despair that deep.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 05:55 AM
  #35
Suddenly I'm cold. I turned off the evaporative cooler that cools the apartment. I'm tempted to draw a bath and get into the tub to warm up. That's what I did last night around this time. But I'm tired of having to keep getting into a tub of water to either warm up or to calm anxiety.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 07:03 AM
  #36
Still awake and cold. I put on some warmer pajamas. The sun is coming up, but I want to get more sleep. I'm having anxiety. I feel like I need more psychiatric help than I have in place right now. I'm scared.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 07:49 AM
  #37
I just took Vistaril. It's supposed to help with anxiety. I still feel cold. Some of this cold sensation I think is really anxiety.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 12:10 PM
  #38
Have you eaten enough today? I know you are having gastroinstestinal issues, diverticulitis and bleeding ulcers etc. but being so cold may have something to do with your blood sugars as well as all this anxiety, low iron??. I hope you can get the medical help you need for your physical problems as well.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 01:02 PM
  #39
Rose these are trauma chills I experience them myself. And same here where I tend to experience them around 3am in the morning. Yup I wake up too and I often come down and sit at the computer and read.

Do you have a heating pad you can sleep with? I find that helps me. I don’t know why it happens at that time other than it may be when I am entering rem sleep and my brain is not ready to process.

I honestly feel you are experiencing post traumatic stress. Yes hot baths can help even though it’s inconvenient. I have used a hairdryer and blow hot air on my legs and arms and that works too.

I have read how some use hot showers to help too. Yet I don’t want to get my hair wet I just want the chills to go away. My trauma therapist kept blankets to give to patients during therapy as often these chills present during trauma therapy.

Just letting you know it actually normal after trauma to experience this challenge. This isn’t just depression you are experiencing. This was a traumatic loss for you. So can’t say enough patience. And it would help if you found a trauma therapist to help you too. Even if you have to do therapy via phone or video conference.
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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 04:35 PM
  #40
I'm waiting for my primary care pro. to call me in a few minutes. I'm scared of talking to her. I'm scared of being labeled as an attention hound or drug seeking. But I've gotten to kind of trust her.

In the same clinic is a pdoc I've seen a few times, just to get a Ritalin prescription renewed. I had a phone meeting in June with him because I felt I was becoming a mess beyond normal grief. He was very dismissive. He said everything I was experiencing was normal grief and to be expected. He did order a few tablets of Ativan. Then said we'ld talk in a month or so. He's an older guy and just seems to be too tired mentally to be good at what he does. He put minimal effort into finding out anything about me. I would not want to try to condide in him. He makes quick assumptions and thinks he knows more than he knows.
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